to not have my mum at the birth

[BluePandas]

I will try and keep the background short , basically I have an odd relationship with my mum.
We are just two very different people , she can be very full on and likes to be the centre of attention, she is really into social media and she acts almost like she is famous. Whereas I am quieter mostly keep to myself. My mum also favours my sister and has done our whole lives. My sister is the sort of daughter my mum always wanted (pretty and girly) and I have never been any of those things.

From my mums perspective I have always been a difficult child, I hated shopping and trying on dresses I was rubbish at dance and gymnastics and scared of horse riding. I also hated the name she gave me and referred to myself by a different one. As soon as I was old enough I changed it . and I know she was really upset by my decision and she still refers to me by my old name.

So I am currently pregnant with my first DC. It has been a really tough pregnancy and I have had lots of complications along the way. I am booked in for a c-section in a couple of weeks time which I am both looking forward too and am very scared about.

DH and I have talked about it and I wouldn't like my mum to visit until I am ready. It will be a stressful time and I don't want her to be making it all about her at a time when I am worried about DC.

So yesterday my mum called me asking about my plans for the birth as she want to know if she can film during the c-section. I said that only DH will be with me during the birth and that either DH or I will call her once the baby is born to discuss when she can come and visit. But that when she visits I don't want her to film anything because I don't want to be on her social media having just given birth

She was annoyed that we are dictating when she can come and visit her grandchild and that she wants to share our story with her followers and that they will see the highs and lows and emotions she is going through and it will raise awareness of the complications that can happen during labour.

I said I we will contact her as soon as we can but because of the complications we want to see how everything happens before we decide on an exact plan. But that we definitely won't want her to film us.

She was upset saying that we were destroying the bond between her and her new grandchild just because I don't have a great relationship with her. She said that she was trying to have a better relationship with me but that I was pushing her away. She also said that most people want their mums during labour and my sister found her a great help when she was giving birth and she just wanted a chance to be as close to me too.
I tried to explain that I was just worried about the birth but she cut me off saying that we will have to talk about it again as she is busy and she will call me again tonight.

This morning she has written a blog about grandparents and how they are so important in a child life. How worried she is about my DC being born but how some parents can't understand that grandparents care just as much as parents and she deserves a close relationship with all her grandchildren. She then goes on to say how she is a great grandmother to my niece and how close they are and how amazing she is as a grandparent and how parents need to understand that it takes a village to raise a child.

She has also posted a load of facebook statuses throughout the day saying how some people make her feel like a rubbish parent and how grandparents deserve rights too.

My sister has also called to tell me how amazing my mum was at her birth and how tastefully my mum filmed it and how great she was and how my mum means well and that she is trying to make a better relationship with me and make up for the past but that I won't let her.

I am dreading her calling later on because I know she will push the issue but I just don't want her there. But then I feel guilty because I know that she wants to be there and maybe this is her way of building bridges because we haven't been close in the past. But then I don't want to be filmed and even if she agrees not to film I still don't want to risk having her there in case she makes it more stressful than it has to be.

So aibu to not have my mum at the birth even though she wants to be there.

I would not want my mum there at all! Especially with a camera!

If you're still there OP:

How many followers does your mum have on social media?
do you think she may try to do a live birth update to boost her followers?

What did she do for your sisters birth? Did she film that too and live broadcast it?

I honestly can’t think of anything worse but there you go

Good grief. No, no and no.
Tell her your c-section date is a week after the actual date.

As for the Facebook stuff, tell her that under no circumstances is she to post photos of DC online and that you do not want to find your pregnacy and labour being discussed online, either before or after the event.

Sounds as though you are going to have massive boundary issues in the future so you need to be firm from the start. I'd be telling her that she either respects your wishes and privacy or she won't be getting the chance to have any kind of relationship with her DGC.

I had my mum at the birth of DD along with DH but we're very close and I was very nervous. And she definitely wasn't allowed to parade around with a camera! YANBU

Tell your mum the section date is 2 days after it actually is so if she does try visit, you'll be more ready,

My mum is my best friend, we are so close. However she wasn't with me during the birth and I didn't want her there. Didn't even cross my mind!
She met DS the next day when I was ready and they have a brilliant bond! He prefers her to me!

Your mum is a lunatic. Her and her camera can stay far away from the hospital.

Stop reading her stupid blogs.

Stop following her social media. Poor you, she sounds very difficult and very self centered. You need to tell her firmly, it is you going through the birth, your child who is at risk from complications and the birth is about you being calm and comfortable with only your DH and the medical staff there. Not fodder for social media and not about her feelings.

YANBU! Haven't read the while thread but imagine this is unanimous.

A section is an operation. I'm sure the surgeon would take a dim view and turf her out even if she did turn up!

I can't believe she is being so selfish. Filming a birth in no way creates a bond!

It doesn't sound like there is any point explaining or reasoning, she is going to flip it around to how she feels etc. I would either just say no, it will just be husband and you, repeatedly, and leave it at that...or tell her the hospital have said no (she might check though) or just bullshit her, tell her it's a week after it really is and then after the birth tell her you had an emergency section with no time to contact her. Don't normally like lying but think you will struggle to reason with her. Good luck

This is why grandparents really don’t deserve rights!

Because some grandparents may be like OP's mum?
There are parents who are nut jobs too....do they all deserve rights?

Bloody stupid statement.

Ive never been able to understand why people want and allow their mums/mil to be at the birth! I think that's my worst nightmare! I'd hate for my mum to see me in that state, I'd rather she came once I'd had a shower and tidied myself up a little.

I was speechless for a moment when I read your post.
Your mum is batshit crazy.
She is not thinking about you or your baby, she is a narcissist.
Tell the midwives that she mustn’t be allowed in, and talk to your DH about your stance on your baby appearing (or not) on her blog/Insta/FB in future.

In the meantime, post a link to her blog and the vipers here will give her a dose of reality

Your mum is absolutely batshit. I dont know anyone who had their mum at their birth. Of course its lovely if thats what you want but I think most people just want the father there dont they? I love my mum and get on with her well for the most part but it never even entered my head to have her at either of my childrens births... and she never asked. She just told me to ring her when I was ready to have her come over and see the baby or go to her when I was ready if I wanted.... which is probably why we have a good relationship and why shes an amazing grandmother. Because she both loves her grandchildren but also loves and respects their mother and their relationship with their mother.

Don't have her at the birth, and don't have her to visit for at least two weeks. You deserve some stress free time to bond as a family and recover from the birth without dealing with your mother.

Also, if you don't want the baby's pictures on social media, you need to make that very clear to her as soon as possible otherwise she'll be plastering them everywhere

YANBU, not in the slightest.

Thankfully, I’ve not known a hospital yet which will allow more than one person in theatre with you, so she physically won’t be allowed in.

But I would also give her a false date for your section, maybe 5 days to a week after the real date? Then go have your baby, have a few days recovering on the ward with just your husband, and then ring her to tell he the baby is here. You can always tell her they had a cancellation so brought you in early.

I’d also get her to visit you in hospital for the first time, but before you leave. Because you can ask the midwives to help control the visit; they can tell her no filming and they can tell her she has to leave after say, an hour. If she comes to your home it will be harder to control.

Good luck OP, YA absolutely NBU.

Ive never been able to understand why people want and allow their mums/mil to be at the birth!

Personal choice?

I did not want my mom at mine. She showed up part way through labour to see how I was doing. Commented on how it wasn’t that bad🙄 My ex had to show her the graph that showed my contractions were literally off the chart and when the went down didn’t actually stop. I was constantly contracting, even when they “stopped” the graph showed I was still contracting. When I was contracting the graph couldn’t keep track as it was to high! But oh “it’s not that bad”. I knew she would be like that and it’s why I didn’t want her there.

I understood in hindsight why she visited as it had been all day and they were probably getting worried. They did just pop in and have a quick visit then leave. At the time it was sure aggravating as I was constantly contracting, one after another! I did have an epidural but it only partially worked as I was having back labour.

My moms and I relationship can be contentious but no where near yours. She did the same with my youngest but I had already given birth. Not as bad.

I would not give her the c-section date or give her a different one. If she already has the date beg your dr for a different one. Even by 2 days would make a world of difference for your stress levels.

She is not wanting it for your relationship, she wants it for her followers. Does she has a large group? Or is she just full of her self?

My mum still hasn't called yet so I haven't spoken to her about it.
Thinking about it and reading your replies you are all right I think she probably is just using me. I suppose maybe a part of me was just hopeful that this time she actually wanted a relationship with me.

My mum does know the date of my c-section which will probably cause us some problems as she might just turn up anyway.

To answer some of your questions she isn't actually famous she has a couple of thousand followers mostly people from her local area. She just acts like she is famous but she was like that even before social media for example she would do the school run in full make up and heels because she had to look her best if anyone was going to see her.

She did live stream my sisters birth so that people could see it followed by a full blog on what happened with highlights from the video but my sister is also into that sort of thing and was happy for my mum to do. Sisters birth was a straight forward labour so I don't know if she would have stopped filming had something happened.
I don't know how sisters partner at the time felt about my mum being at the birth as well.

DH doesn't want her anywhere near the birth they don't get on very well either though DH is always polite and civil with her.

Its hardly surprising your DH doesn't get on with her. I already don't like her and I don't even know her

I've had a C Sec. 1 person in only. Then I think from memory I went into the recovery room for around an hour, then back to the delivery suite until a bed was ready on the post natal ward.

Even if you wanted her there (which you understandably don't) there are rules about visiting time etc anyway.

The time for your sec may get pushed back due to emergencies etc so it may not actually happen until much later on. So she may end up missing their allocated visiting hours anyway.

Do you think she will ring the hospital? Can you ask them to tell her you haven't gone into theatre even if you have?

Speaking from experience you will be on a lot of pain relief etc after and you will need rest.

Make sure you tell the medical staff looking after you that your mum may turn up and you don’t want her there. They’re pretty skilled at ejecting nuisance relatives.

Tell the hospital staff you don’t want any visitors, but it’s likely your mum will try to get in and you specifically DO NOT want that. They’ll support you in it, and it’s easier coming from an “official”.

She sounds dreadful, I’m so sorry. Good luck for the birth. You need to concentrate on yourself for a while now.

Film it???? Just no!!!! That's one of the most self centred things I've ever heard.

Just say no and don't discuss it again!

Tell her they’ve put the date of your CS back by 3 days fir medical reasons