to not have my mum at the birth

[BluePandas]

I will try and keep the background short , basically I have an odd relationship with my mum.
We are just two very different people , she can be very full on and likes to be the centre of attention, she is really into social media and she acts almost like she is famous. Whereas I am quieter mostly keep to myself. My mum also favours my sister and has done our whole lives. My sister is the sort of daughter my mum always wanted (pretty and girly) and I have never been any of those things.

From my mums perspective I have always been a difficult child, I hated shopping and trying on dresses I was rubbish at dance and gymnastics and scared of horse riding. I also hated the name she gave me and referred to myself by a different one. As soon as I was old enough I changed it . and I know she was really upset by my decision and she still refers to me by my old name.

So I am currently pregnant with my first DC. It has been a really tough pregnancy and I have had lots of complications along the way. I am booked in for a c-section in a couple of weeks time which I am both looking forward too and am very scared about.

DH and I have talked about it and I wouldn't like my mum to visit until I am ready. It will be a stressful time and I don't want her to be making it all about her at a time when I am worried about DC.

So yesterday my mum called me asking about my plans for the birth as she want to know if she can film during the c-section. I said that only DH will be with me during the birth and that either DH or I will call her once the baby is born to discuss when she can come and visit. But that when she visits I don't want her to film anything because I don't want to be on her social media having just given birth

She was annoyed that we are dictating when she can come and visit her grandchild and that she wants to share our story with her followers and that they will see the highs and lows and emotions she is going through and it will raise awareness of the complications that can happen during labour.

I said I we will contact her as soon as we can but because of the complications we want to see how everything happens before we decide on an exact plan. But that we definitely won't want her to film us.

She was upset saying that we were destroying the bond between her and her new grandchild just because I don't have a great relationship with her. She said that she was trying to have a better relationship with me but that I was pushing her away. She also said that most people want their mums during labour and my sister found her a great help when she was giving birth and she just wanted a chance to be as close to me too.
I tried to explain that I was just worried about the birth but she cut me off saying that we will have to talk about it again as she is busy and she will call me again tonight.

This morning she has written a blog about grandparents and how they are so important in a child life. How worried she is about my DC being born but how some parents can't understand that grandparents care just as much as parents and she deserves a close relationship with all her grandchildren. She then goes on to say how she is a great grandmother to my niece and how close they are and how amazing she is as a grandparent and how parents need to understand that it takes a village to raise a child.

She has also posted a load of facebook statuses throughout the day saying how some people make her feel like a rubbish parent and how grandparents deserve rights too.

My sister has also called to tell me how amazing my mum was at her birth and how tastefully my mum filmed it and how great she was and how my mum means well and that she is trying to make a better relationship with me and make up for the past but that I won't let her.

I am dreading her calling later on because I know she will push the issue but I just don't want her there. But then I feel guilty because I know that she wants to be there and maybe this is her way of building bridges because we haven't been close in the past. But then I don't want to be filmed and even if she agrees not to film I still don't want to risk having her there in case she makes it more stressful than it has to be.

So aibu to not have my mum at the birth even though she wants to be there.

Stand your ground, Op. YADNBU, but she is.
It is entirely your choice who to have with you, not hers. It is nothing to do with 'bonding', bollocks to that.
Your having your baby is about you and your baby, she is making it all about her. She doesn't give a shit about how you feel, it's all about her.
Don't tell her, or anyone connected with her, when you are going to have your baby, lie and give a later date if pushed.
Best wishes for your new baby.

Good grief. Is this for real?!
Does your mum have no understanding of personal space and boundaries?!

FILM it????

Also got what it’s worth I don’t know anyone who had their mother with them at the birth.

Christ on a bike. Can't believe your sister weighing in on top of this insanity as well. It's like they think you are their property. It's sick.

I'd give DH free rein to police the ward, have your phone/tablet etc while you're recovering. He sounds like his feet are on the ground and he will protect you and manage this bullshit so you can focus on yourself and baby.

You do not need to justify anything to these nutters! So stop now. Do not justify anything to them. You don't owe even the briefest explanation. No is a complete sentence.

They can fuck right off and not see you or baby until you are good and ready. 6 weeks after birth at earliest!!

It's not the norm for the grandmother of the baby to be at the birth.

Some women want their mother there, but they are a small minority.

It's jaw dropping that she assumed she would be at your cesarean section operation (significant abdominal surgery) and that her question was about filming! That's staggeringly narcissistic.

On a practical level it's unlikely two accompanying bystanders would be allowed into the labour theatre, she'd be in the way. A cesarean section is an operation with risks - not a spectator sport.

Good luck and be strong. She sounds like an utterly selfish, self absorbed, potentially dangerous liability and your sister like her flying monkey.

Me personally , I can't think of anything worse than having my Mum at the birth! She means well, but it's suffocating at times. In fact for my first baby I said I didn't want her there , was at hospital with the baby's Dad. My mum wouldn't listen to my wishes and came to the hospital ( we had stupidly told both sets of parents i was in Labour and heading to hospital). I was so stressed, midwives stopped her coming in as I didn't want her to, so she sat down in the relatives room chomping at the bit. Second birth she was looking after eldest while I went into hospital so that was better! She couldn't come.

• operating theatre not labour theatre

YANBU. Keep her the hell away. How dare she want to film such an intimate thing and put it on social media. What a narcissistic woman.

PS.

If you don't want to delete your facebook, at least block your mum/sister.

Shut down the avenues for this bullshit being tossed your way. You don't need that in your life and shutting it down is just one tap away!!

It sounds awful. I am shocked she expects to be there and film the c section. It is time to be strong, stand up to her and say NO or F'off either will get the message across.

Which country is she thinking of? out of all my friends I can't think of a single one whose mother was at the birth of her DC's kids. Even when a partner wasn't there, friend invited closest girlfriend. I wonder what OP's sister's DH felt about his MIL being in the room?

Stand your ground. Your mum wants to bond with you on her terms and doing things that interest her only. She is being very selfish, and in my opinion pretty ridiculous. As others have said I doubt she would even be allowed to film. Try not to engage in this and get your DH to be 'gatekeeper', keeping her away until you are ready.

My DD has a great relationship with my mum and there is not even a photo of her on social media, let alone her birth!

DMil and DFil were in Thailand when DC was born, - which I think was about near enough.

As the 'H' I couldn't imagine anything stranger than MIL being there, tbh.

Thankfully DW wouldn't have countenanced it either.

Your mum is a narcissist. Ignore her. She doesn't want to be close to you. You have temporarily higher value for her because you've got something she wants. Don't read her blog and block her on Facebook.

I only know one person too whose mother came to the birth and she was a midwife. I think its very odd TBH, its a time for you and your OH.

Just tell her its not negotiable, you're not changing your mind.

'she wants to share our story with her followers and that they will see the highs and lows and emotions she is going through and it will raise awareness of the complications that can happen during labour.'

Your 'DM' is an absolute disgrace

I don't think I'd want her anywhere near me or my dc.

•toomuchfaster•’s wording seems ideal.

And agree with Pp

Shut down 'their show'

There is no right to be at the birth and I don’t know anyone that had their mum there. I can understand her being disappointed if she was at your sister’s one. The other stuff is just batshit. The filming and social media stuff is unhinged. It is not for her to spread your complications around Facebook like it’s a bloody soap opera. I wouldn’t let her anywhere near you with a camera for your own dignity.

Tell her to bugger off no way I’d let anyone film me during the most vulnerable moment of my life . They only let one person into theatre with you anyway . Just no .

I think heartsease68 has it bang on, unfortunately.

Stick to your guns OP, and ignore the guilt-trip about bonding... what a load of nonsense. Good luck

I had both my mum and my partners mum with me with both of my kids. And i will do the same if I have anymore.

It does make me wonder does she want to be there to support you and everything she said. Or just for her followers? Either way aren't you only aloud 1 person with you if you need a section?

I had to sign for 1 just in case (with my first) and I was only aloud 1 person after that. (Which was my partner)

Oh and yes absolutely. She doesn’t want a stronger relationship with you (on her terms obviously. Sod what you want). She’s just using you. Now. Now you’re important to her because you can give her a grandchild. Dont kid yourself it’s to build any bridges with you.

And I’d be really wary about what she’ll be like with your child. There’s a thread on here about a lovely op whose mum was dripping poison in her daughters ear and turning her against her own mum. Thankfully she removed her influence (with help from the police)

Bloody hell lass! If anyone (and I mean anyone) had tried to film my labours then I wouldn't have been answerable for my actions.

The woman needs to grow up.

I'm sorry you have this added stress (and I speak as the type who loves to be involved etc).