to not have my mum at the birth

[BluePandas]

I will try and keep the background short , basically I have an odd relationship with my mum.
We are just two very different people , she can be very full on and likes to be the centre of attention, she is really into social media and she acts almost like she is famous. Whereas I am quieter mostly keep to myself. My mum also favours my sister and has done our whole lives. My sister is the sort of daughter my mum always wanted (pretty and girly) and I have never been any of those things.

From my mums perspective I have always been a difficult child, I hated shopping and trying on dresses I was rubbish at dance and gymnastics and scared of horse riding. I also hated the name she gave me and referred to myself by a different one. As soon as I was old enough I changed it . and I know she was really upset by my decision and she still refers to me by my old name.

So I am currently pregnant with my first DC. It has been a really tough pregnancy and I have had lots of complications along the way. I am booked in for a c-section in a couple of weeks time which I am both looking forward too and am very scared about.

DH and I have talked about it and I wouldn't like my mum to visit until I am ready. It will be a stressful time and I don't want her to be making it all about her at a time when I am worried about DC.

So yesterday my mum called me asking about my plans for the birth as she want to know if she can film during the c-section. I said that only DH will be with me during the birth and that either DH or I will call her once the baby is born to discuss when she can come and visit. But that when she visits I don't want her to film anything because I don't want to be on her social media having just given birth

She was annoyed that we are dictating when she can come and visit her grandchild and that she wants to share our story with her followers and that they will see the highs and lows and emotions she is going through and it will raise awareness of the complications that can happen during labour.

I said I we will contact her as soon as we can but because of the complications we want to see how everything happens before we decide on an exact plan. But that we definitely won't want her to film us.

She was upset saying that we were destroying the bond between her and her new grandchild just because I don't have a great relationship with her. She said that she was trying to have a better relationship with me but that I was pushing her away. She also said that most people want their mums during labour and my sister found her a great help when she was giving birth and she just wanted a chance to be as close to me too.
I tried to explain that I was just worried about the birth but she cut me off saying that we will have to talk about it again as she is busy and she will call me again tonight.

This morning she has written a blog about grandparents and how they are so important in a child life. How worried she is about my DC being born but how some parents can't understand that grandparents care just as much as parents and she deserves a close relationship with all her grandchildren. She then goes on to say how she is a great grandmother to my niece and how close they are and how amazing she is as a grandparent and how parents need to understand that it takes a village to raise a child.

She has also posted a load of facebook statuses throughout the day saying how some people make her feel like a rubbish parent and how grandparents deserve rights too.

My sister has also called to tell me how amazing my mum was at her birth and how tastefully my mum filmed it and how great she was and how my mum means well and that she is trying to make a better relationship with me and make up for the past but that I won't let her.

I am dreading her calling later on because I know she will push the issue but I just don't want her there. But then I feel guilty because I know that she wants to be there and maybe this is her way of building bridges because we haven't been close in the past. But then I don't want to be filmed and even if she agrees not to film I still don't want to risk having her there in case she makes it more stressful than it has to be.

So aibu to not have my mum at the birth even though she wants to be there.

She's mad. She wants to film you having a c section so she can talk about how it feels for her?

Does she know what date your section is booked for? I'd be telling her it was the week after and keeping her at arms length.

Sounds like a nightmare.

I only had my husband it never occured to me to have my Mum.

To be honest I don't get the whole having the world and his dog at the birth but hey ho each to their own.

She sounds fruity.

She can obviously fuck right off. Be firm.

Not sure she’d EVER meet her grandchild IIWY

She has absolutely no intention of prioritising you and your needs, so I doubt she has any intention of prioritising your dc’s needs

@BluePanda - I would say something along these lines:

”Mum - if you really do want a better relationship with me, the best way to work towards this is by LISTENING to me and RESPECTING my opinions, feelings and choices. Passive-aggressive blog posts and FB statuses achieve nothing positive - they just make me feel that you don’t care about me at all, and will simply push me further away from you.”

YADDDNBU! She sounds like a bit of a narcissistic personality to me.

YANBU. It's entirely up to you who you have at the birth. Your mother needs to back off. I didn't have my mother at any of my 4 children's births, but I was at the birth of two of my grandchildren (one a c-section and one vaginal), because my daughters asked me to be there - and I was of course thrilled. I would never have asked though. Stand your ground.

I had my mum at ds birth thirty years ago. I was just a teenager and scared and he was 8 weeks early. She was a fantastic support but would never have made it all about her.
But in your case YANBU. Say no firmly again and again. Filming you at such a vulnerable time is awful. You dh and dc are not a soap opera! Stand firm OP and good luck with the birth

I have only read your OP and subsequent response so apologies if I'm repeating.

I do not know anyone who had their mother at the birth and I would have been horrified at the thought myself. I had a home birth, in my mum's house, as we were living their temporarily and that was weird enough. But, as we were more or less enclosed in a room the whole time and she knew to stay clear it was fine. (Home-made cake afterwards was a fabulous silver lining - for me and the midwives!)

As for filming? No fucking way on earth I would agree to that. Ever.

I don't think your mum is truly making an effort to build bridges - otherwise why would she try and guilt into doing it rather than listening to your POV?

And as for the followers and educating bit? Tell her she's welcome to do that with any of the resources available to her - of which you are NOT one!

Assuming your DH is on your side for this, I would talk through with him the strategy for dealing with her and the response you will both give.

Don't apologise for choosing/wanting something different. It's for her to understand the position you're taking.

"So aibu to not have my mum at the birth even though she wants to be there."

Even without the back story-no.

With the back story-hell no!

She sounds er hard work??!!

Building bridges?

I'd say it's too little too late tbh-and it's still all about her.

Your mum sounds like a narcissist who has drafted your sister in over a lifetime as her favourite child and enabler of her bad behaviour. This is your time. Put your foot down, put all your faith in yourself and don't let her interfere for a moment in how you bring up your child or carry on trying to steal your happiness and sanity from you.

Look at her behaviour objectively. No normal mum who loved their child and wanted their happiness above their own, as normal mums do, would say the things she is saying or do the things she is doing.

Fucking hell! She sounds like reallf bloody hard work. Tell her to give you a break. Poor you OP how exhausting having a mother like that! She’s a narc!

Your mother sounds very self-absorbed, OP. Everything seems to be about her. Please stick to your decision and tell her she will not be at the birth and that you'll let her know when you and your DH are ready for her to meet your baby. Might be worth thinking about whether you want her to be able to take any photos at this point, too, if you don't want your little 'un all over her social media.

Yanbu and stick to your guns. Even people I know who have brilliant relationships with their mums haven't had them there at the birth. She sounds extremely self absorbed and just how is doing something you're not comfortable with meant to bring you closer??

I became a Granny 4 weeks ago. As much as I would have liked to have been present at the birth, I didn't even mention this. If my DD had wanted me, she would have asked. I did, however, tell her I wold like to know as soon as baby is born, regardless of the time of day or night. Also, i said I would really want to visit her asap.
I found out baby had arrived In the early hours, an hour after he was born, with a beautiful photo of him. I visited him that afternoon still in hospital and that was such a special moment. I didn't post anything on social media until my DD said it was ok.
I'd love to see them every day, but I know that would be intrusive.
So, OP, you are absolutely not being unreasonable, your DM is. If you don't want anything posted by your Dm in SM, don't send her photos. Don't allow her to take photos of the baby when she visits if she can't promise to not put them in her blog! Yo could, however, take photos for her with your own camera and send them to her once the initial announcements have been made,

I’m close to my mum, but I didn’t even tell her I was in labor, I thought it would be a nice surprise to find out when DS had arrived. Your DM sounds crazy, stick to your guns. It’s about you and your family, not her and her followers!

She's proving you right.

I didn't have my Mum at either of my births

Tell her she can visit on a given date. If she brings it up again, add on two days to your given day - each time she does it.

She sounds unhinged...

When mum suggested it was 'normal' to invite the prospective grandparent to the birth

What? All fucking four of them?

I'd never tell any pregnant woman what she should or shouldn't do - and nor should either one of the 'expecting' couple's parents.

She wouldn't be able to be there- luckily for you.
You will wait to go to theatre on a ward where only one other person is allowed to be with you. Then you will go to theatre, after which you will go to recovery where again only your birth partner can be.
Only then will you go up to the postnatal ward where you will be monitored etc.
So you do have a 'get out of jail free' card.

"She said that she was trying to have a better relationship with me but that I was pushing her away."

No-she doesn't get to decide on your relationship with her-you do!

Seems as if she has done her fair share of pushing you away over the years & I'd be very wary of letting her step back in & it for sure wouldn't be on her terms.

" we were destroying the bond between her and her new grandchild "

Does she deserve to have one?

"I am dreading her calling later on"

Then don't do it, or don't get drawn in/tell her no/hang up.

I don't know anyone who had their mother when they gave birth. Anyone. And the anecdotal stories I've heard are about bullying, domineering mothers insisting upon their presence.

No fucking thank you.

I'd block your mother for a while, OP. Just block her on everything. SHe sounds like a self-absorbed cow who will happily bulldoze you to get what she wants, unfettered access to your child so she can show off to her friends.

When and if you decide to talk to her again, make sure you make your boundaries very clear or tell her you won't be spending time with her, which means your child won't be spending time with her. And tell your sister to stay out of it.

.......... as she wants to know if she can film during the c-section
This alone would justify going no contact!!!!

Your mother is already making it all about her. She is not being supportive. There is no reason for her to be at the birth. I don't know anyone personally who requested their mother be at the birth. That said, if you had a strong bond and really wanted her there then that would be great! However, she's blatantly not interested in your thoughts, concerns and decisions and more concerned with what strangers think of her. Please do not in any way feel obliged to spend one of the most special times in YOUR life be dictated by a group of her 'followers'. Spend time alone with your new family without worrying about strangers zooming in on your newborn before you've even had time to look at them.