to not have my mum at the birth

[BluePandas]

I will try and keep the background short , basically I have an odd relationship with my mum.
We are just two very different people , she can be very full on and likes to be the centre of attention, she is really into social media and she acts almost like she is famous. Whereas I am quieter mostly keep to myself. My mum also favours my sister and has done our whole lives. My sister is the sort of daughter my mum always wanted (pretty and girly) and I have never been any of those things.

From my mums perspective I have always been a difficult child, I hated shopping and trying on dresses I was rubbish at dance and gymnastics and scared of horse riding. I also hated the name she gave me and referred to myself by a different one. As soon as I was old enough I changed it . and I know she was really upset by my decision and she still refers to me by my old name.

So I am currently pregnant with my first DC. It has been a really tough pregnancy and I have had lots of complications along the way. I am booked in for a c-section in a couple of weeks time which I am both looking forward too and am very scared about.

DH and I have talked about it and I wouldn't like my mum to visit until I am ready. It will be a stressful time and I don't want her to be making it all about her at a time when I am worried about DC.

So yesterday my mum called me asking about my plans for the birth as she want to know if she can film during the c-section. I said that only DH will be with me during the birth and that either DH or I will call her once the baby is born to discuss when she can come and visit. But that when she visits I don't want her to film anything because I don't want to be on her social media having just given birth

She was annoyed that we are dictating when she can come and visit her grandchild and that she wants to share our story with her followers and that they will see the highs and lows and emotions she is going through and it will raise awareness of the complications that can happen during labour.

I said I we will contact her as soon as we can but because of the complications we want to see how everything happens before we decide on an exact plan. But that we definitely won't want her to film us.

She was upset saying that we were destroying the bond between her and her new grandchild just because I don't have a great relationship with her. She said that she was trying to have a better relationship with me but that I was pushing her away. She also said that most people want their mums during labour and my sister found her a great help when she was giving birth and she just wanted a chance to be as close to me too.
I tried to explain that I was just worried about the birth but she cut me off saying that we will have to talk about it again as she is busy and she will call me again tonight.

This morning she has written a blog about grandparents and how they are so important in a child life. How worried she is about my DC being born but how some parents can't understand that grandparents care just as much as parents and she deserves a close relationship with all her grandchildren. She then goes on to say how she is a great grandmother to my niece and how close they are and how amazing she is as a grandparent and how parents need to understand that it takes a village to raise a child.

She has also posted a load of facebook statuses throughout the day saying how some people make her feel like a rubbish parent and how grandparents deserve rights too.

My sister has also called to tell me how amazing my mum was at her birth and how tastefully my mum filmed it and how great she was and how my mum means well and that she is trying to make a better relationship with me and make up for the past but that I won't let her.

I am dreading her calling later on because I know she will push the issue but I just don't want her there. But then I feel guilty because I know that she wants to be there and maybe this is her way of building bridges because we haven't been close in the past. But then I don't want to be filmed and even if she agrees not to film I still don't want to risk having her there in case she makes it more stressful than it has to be.

So aibu to not have my mum at the birth even though she wants to be there.

I would start sharing media posts about narcissistic mothers, entitled mothers, over bearing grandparents and tag her.
Hopefully she’ll fall out with you and problem solved.

Personally I would comment on her post and grandparents and there bond with the grandchildren and say I have no problem with you having a relationship with you grandchild but I want it to be between YOU and your grandchild, NOT you, your grandchild and your followers!! And under no circumstances let her in the ward. I would pre warn the midwife's she may turn up.

Options...

You can tell her the date has changed.

Or leave it as is and instruct hospital staff not to release any information about you being there. You and DH should switch your phones off.

Or tell her you don't want to be filmed and in any event only 1 person is allowed in.

I love my mum to pieces but no way would I have her present when I gave birth. As for filing the birth .... is she having a joke?

I would, with your DH, tell her very clearly

• all the passive aggressive social media posts have to stop with immediate effect & permanently otherwise she won't be seeing the baby for weeks after it is born, if at all.
• your child =your rules, now & always e.g. No social media, ever. Etc
• if she agrees to the above then you will contact her post birth with visiting info.

For the record if making the facebook/social media announcement re the birth is important to you then I suggest you do it before telling your mum because I bet she'll be posting while she's on the phone gettting the news, even if she hasn't got a photo of the baby to go with the post.

"and that she wants to share our story with her followers and that they will see the highs and lows and emotions she is going through"

This reminds me of the time my Mom loudly declared that my sister's wedding wasn't about my sister it was all about her.

Guess who then later yelled at a doctor that she had the Right to be in the room when my sister gave birth?

Your Mom is making your birth all about her and the worst part is the emotional manipulation of claiming she is trying to better her relationship with you. Bit late isn't it?

Toomuchfaster has it! And repeat

You're absolutely not BU. It's up to you and your DH who is there.

My DM was present (through my choice) but there's no way that I would have been dictated to on this.

Stick to your guns and I hope all goes well - big hugs

Your mother in unhinged! What a selfish person she is!

She's using you; she needs something to interest her followers so she's lost all sense of perspective. By 'promising' this her followers have a hook and will stick with her until the next thing - whatever that might be (and I'd be asking myself how this will involve me and my child at this point). Step back from her OP, she does not have the building of a relationship with you at the forefront of her mind she has herself and her image.

Since blogging and Facebook are all she understands is there a way you can comment on the passive aggressive blog or the Facebook post? I'd be writing a clear and fair response about how sometimes, being the best mother and grandmother you can be involves listening to the wishes of those around you. Tell her followers hope you don't appreciate your life being documented or that of your child and that she can be a great mother and grandmother without oversharing. If you tell her followers this then it'll make her look like a twat when she posts about you. I'd do that, because talking to her is giving her more to write about as she deems life so unfair.

People like her love the drama and the attention. At the moment her followers only have her perspective, once any sane person hears the actual situation they'll be hard pushed to have any sympathy with her. I know one person who had their mother there birth, and that was because the child's father wasn't there. The second time she took her sister with her. I have a close relationship with my mother but there's no way she'd be in there with me.

Play to her audience and maybe she'll get the message, mainly because she won't want to look like a twat in front of her followers.

She really sounds like she needs to grow the fuck up and fast. I'd be seriously worried about her oversharing information and photographs of your child too, if she's a 'sleb' in the local area then your never know what weirdos are following her. Most 'famous' bloggers have some sort of security in place, your mother just sounds like a liability.

You're totally reasonable. When I saw thread title I thought hmm - I wasn't sure I wanted my mum at the birth of my first DS but it turned out to be great that she was, but she was a totally different kind of person, and she wasn't thinking of filming it for social media.

First, if you're having an elective/planned in advance CS, don't the hospital have rules that preclude her coming into the operating theatre anyway? You won't be in labour so that makes her script a bit irrelevant.

She won’t be allowed in theatre - one person only and that’s DH.

But you need to have a tough conversation with her - she can build bridges by considering your feelings, not by emotionally manipulating you and writing passive aggressive blogs. If she genuinely wants a good relationship with you, she needs to respect your feelings and treat you with some basic courtesy, not bulldoze and bully you.

If she genuinely wants a relationship with you, she puts you ahead of her ego and her followers.

She wants to film the birth and put it on social media? What the actual fuck? I'm dumbfounded!!
As for being at the birth I literally don't know anyone ever who had their mum at it, even people with the closest relationships ever! She sounds really difficult but stick to your guns. There'll be plenty of time for bonding afterwards

Would the midwife, nurses and medical staff stand up to her though?

Everyone is so afraid of complaints being made that I'm not sure they would stop her visiting or ask her to leave

You are right not to want her there. This special time is about you, your DH and the family your are creating.

I wouldn't worry too much about her just showing up. Maternity wards are pretty tight to get into. As you are having a csection you are in a better position as you will be on recovery ward for at least 6 hours usually and in my experience hospitals don't allow visitors on this side. So that will likely rule out the first day as this is planned. You can determine who gets in. If you don't want visitors just tell the ward and they won't admit them.

You could always lie and say hospital have changed your date by a day or two to give you some time if you are really worried.

Good luck, stay firm in what you want and need. You will only get this birth once so don't let her ruin it x

@FishesThatFly Hospital staff certainly would turn away any visitors who were unwelcome without a second thought about a complaint. Safeguarding mum and baby are our priority and no one will get in trouble for a complaint about actions which uphold the wishes of the mother.

Ugh. No. She's being ridiculous.
Having a c-section is a major operation, that I wouldn't want filmed! Also, I thought you were only allowed 1 person in with you? She's basically asking your DH to miss the birth of his child.
You can let the maternity ward know in advance if you have difficult relatives, we did for a certain member of DHs family (who I was concerned would be waiting in the ward after I was wheeled back from surgery ) the midwives just told them we would update them every bloody time they called the ward.

Ugh. No. She's being ridiculous.
Having a c-section is a major operation, that I wouldn't want filmed! Also, I thought you were only allowed 1 person in with you? She's basically asking your DH to miss the birth of his child.
You can let the maternity ward know in advance if you have difficult relatives, we did for a certain member of DHs family (who I was concerned would be waiting in the ward after I was wheeled back from surgery ) the midwives just told them we would update them every bloody time they called the ward.

She live streamed your sisters birth?!?? Jesus. Christ.
Limited contact OP, she is a narcissist. Also, at some point I would have the conversation with your DP about how you feel about your child featuring on her social media...because she clearly has boundary issues and if thats something you don’t want you need to make it clear from day 1. Good luck, not the stress you need when pregnant

I thought someone live streaming me giving birth is the biggest form of contraception.

You are only allowed one person in with you. They sit with you behind a screen where you are both prevented from seeing the business end of a section.

In our case, it was the nurse that snapped the first picture for us, DP would not be allowed to go over to the area they were cleaning DC to photograph because it's an operating theatre.

Anyway - this is a good reminder to have a good think about your DC and what limits you and DH would like to have with regard to them being mentioned /photographed on social media, and work out a plan of keeping intimate stuff away from your mother and her followers.

Several people I know do not put their children on SM and ask that others respect that, it's fairly common around where I live. I will only put my own DC on my own small social media and even then, rarely and I'm careful to consider that privacy and dignity is important so it's only stuff that would not be embarrassing to share. DC is only six and already quite a private child and aware of his entitlement to privacy.

Since she doesn't know the date, as I mentioned before give her a date 2 or 3 days AFTER. That way hopefully she'll be caught off guard and won't know until it's all over and you choose to tell her. If she decides to get pissy you tell her you felt odd so went to the hospital and they sent you in to theatre before you had a chance to think.

live streaming someone giving birth....that's incredible

I am hugely surprised that was allowed.