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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not have my mum at the birth

221 replies

BluePandas · 26/08/2018 12:59

I will try and keep the background short , basically I have an odd relationship with my mum.
We are just two very different people , she can be very full on and likes to be the centre of attention, she is really into social media and she acts almost like she is famous. Whereas I am quieter mostly keep to myself. My mum also favours my sister and has done our whole lives. My sister is the sort of daughter my mum always wanted (pretty and girly) and I have never been any of those things.

From my mums perspective I have always been a difficult child, I hated shopping and trying on dresses I was rubbish at dance and gymnastics and scared of horse riding. I also hated the name she gave me and referred to myself by a different one. As soon as I was old enough I changed it . and I know she was really upset by my decision and she still refers to me by my old name.

So I am currently pregnant with my first DC. It has been a really tough pregnancy and I have had lots of complications along the way. I am booked in for a c-section in a couple of weeks time which I am both looking forward too and am very scared about.

DH and I have talked about it and I wouldn't like my mum to visit until I am ready. It will be a stressful time and I don't want her to be making it all about her at a time when I am worried about DC.

So yesterday my mum called me asking about my plans for the birth as she want to know if she can film during the c-section. I said that only DH will be with me during the birth and that either DH or I will call her once the baby is born to discuss when she can come and visit. But that when she visits I don't want her to film anything because I don't want to be on her social media having just given birth

She was annoyed that we are dictating when she can come and visit her grandchild and that she wants to share our story with her followers and that they will see the highs and lows and emotions she is going through and it will raise awareness of the complications that can happen during labour.

I said I we will contact her as soon as we can but because of the complications we want to see how everything happens before we decide on an exact plan. But that we definitely won't want her to film us.

She was upset saying that we were destroying the bond between her and her new grandchild just because I don't have a great relationship with her. She said that she was trying to have a better relationship with me but that I was pushing her away. She also said that most people want their mums during labour and my sister found her a great help when she was giving birth and she just wanted a chance to be as close to me too.
I tried to explain that I was just worried about the birth but she cut me off saying that we will have to talk about it again as she is busy and she will call me again tonight.

This morning she has written a blog about grandparents and how they are so important in a child life. How worried she is about my DC being born but how some parents can't understand that grandparents care just as much as parents and she deserves a close relationship with all her grandchildren. She then goes on to say how she is a great grandmother to my niece and how close they are and how amazing she is as a grandparent and how parents need to understand that it takes a village to raise a child.

She has also posted a load of facebook statuses throughout the day saying how some people make her feel like a rubbish parent and how grandparents deserve rights too.

My sister has also called to tell me how amazing my mum was at her birth and how tastefully my mum filmed it and how great she was and how my mum means well and that she is trying to make a better relationship with me and make up for the past but that I won't let her.

I am dreading her calling later on because I know she will push the issue but I just don't want her there. But then I feel guilty because I know that she wants to be there and maybe this is her way of building bridges because we haven't been close in the past. But then I don't want to be filmed and even if she agrees not to film I still don't want to risk having her there in case she makes it more stressful than it has to be.

So aibu to not have my mum at the birth even though she wants to be there.

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 26/08/2018 15:56

Just remember OP
NO is a complete sentence

Flowers
KM99 · 26/08/2018 15:57

Stand your ground. She's going to make it about her no matter what you do. So do what you and your OH want and let her pour out the dramatics to her followers.

MiddlingMum · 26/08/2018 15:59

The only person I know who had her mother at her birth was someone who would have much preferred her DH to be there. Unfortunately he had been deployed to Afganistan and couldn't come back for the birth.

Your mother is bonkers. HTH Smile

MrsBobDylan · 26/08/2018 16:00

My Mum managed to get into the recovery room dressed in scrubs during my first c-section. I've had a lot of therapy since then and no way would the same happen now.

When she calls later don't pick up the phone. When she says you are pushing her away, say yes you are, because you are putting yourself and your child first as is right and proper.

Or tell her to fuck off. I wish I had with mine.

Thesearepearls · 26/08/2018 16:00

This is not about her. How dare she make it about her? I'm actually angry on your behalf OP. Who wants to be filmed/blogged about having just given birth? No-one (normal). It's a private time and I would resent the intrusion.

Stick up for yourself OP. And good luck. Hope you have a fabulous time. The first time after your first born is delightful and lovely and a whole new adventure. Enjoy it on your own terms.

redexpat · 26/08/2018 16:07

I wouldnt bother telling her about maximum people in the ot. The crux of the matter is this: you dont want her there.

redexpat · 26/08/2018 16:08

Dont be drawn into why, it will become a springboard for negotiation.

sparklepops123 · 26/08/2018 16:08

Sounds like she wants to make it into a side show, this is about you and your baby tell her straight - NO

0nTheEdge · 26/08/2018 16:10

My mum was there at all three of my births. It was lovely, but I wanted her there. My dad sounds very much like your mum. He said most of the things your mum did, about wanting it to bring us closer, etc. What he meant was, he never really cared for or respected me much, never would, but really wanted to stick a flag in my son and claim him as his own. After a couple of tough years, I cut him out completely and ignored the lies he spread about me. Best decision I ever made.
I hope you find the strength to do what is right for you, and please be kind to yourself as it's so hard when pregnancy and post birth hormones have us doubting ourselves.

Returnofthesmileybar · 26/08/2018 16:11

Just say no, message her if you feel you can't talk to her, she sounds totally selfish and unhinged

"This is not up for discussion and frankly your supposed attempt to bring us closer will end up having the opposite effect. You have had my whole life to work on our bond but instead you are choosing the most important time in my life and when I am at my most vunerable to try and hijack it, make it about you, impose yourself when you are not wanted, ignore my request for privacy, try to make me feel guilty and publicy shame me and play the poor me card on social media. Your self praise about just how wonderful you are is totally contradicted in your behaviour. This conversation is over, we will call you when we are ready and not a second before"

Weepingangels · 26/08/2018 16:19

She is unpleasant isnt she, no?

Favours your sister.
Gets her to be a flying monkey
Guilts you
Plans to use your dcs risk birth and your postpartum pain to get more followers and attention.

What does your dh say? How about blocking them all until after the birth and telling the midwives the situation and that you don't want her there?

Weepingangels · 26/08/2018 16:20

Returnofthesmileybar message is perfect. Use that and block them all.

bellabasset · 26/08/2018 16:31

There are still women who would get more support from their dm rather than a nervous dh.

But a mother expecting to film her dd having a C section and then sharing it on social media without permission is intrusive. Nor should she be posting pictures of you and the baby without your permission.

Your dm needs to respect your right to privacy. Not everyone wants to post private moments on social media

genivert · 26/08/2018 16:32

It sounds like she's using a great opportunity to show support and demonstrating her same old self. She sounds suffocating, frustrating and utterly self absorbed.

You truly have more important things to think about, emotionally and practically, right now - and that should be on yourself and your upcoming arrival. I would honestly do as other posters are saying, push back, step away, don't engage in her hydronics - you don't have to spend energy worrying or endorsing her inevitable hissy fit.

MaryandMichael · 26/08/2018 16:33

Stop pandering to this woman. Tell her 'No!' and stick to it. Dd does that with me and it works just fine.

genivert · 26/08/2018 16:33

hydronics?! Hystronics!

ADishBestEatenCold · 26/08/2018 16:40

As lots of posters have said ...

"Not sure how it works at your hospital but I was only allowed one person in theatre with me for my c section."

... and even if that's not the case in your hospital, you can still tell her you are only allowed one, your DH. I'm sure the midwives will back you up.

Remember the more people around that don't know what they are doing, the greater the risk of things such as postoperative infection, etc.

Tell her 'no' and tell her the best way family can support a woman about to give birth, is by putting that woman's wishes and choices first, ahead of everyone else's.

AmayaBuzzbee · 26/08/2018 16:44

I would give her a date for the C-section, which is exactly one week after your C-section. Then hopefully you will have a chance to have your baby in peace and a week later you can inform family of safe arrival.

You can also choose that you do not want any photos of your child on the internet. Identity theft and all kinds of scams are real and getting worse. Just say you do not give her permission to post anything of your baby on the Internet (pucs, date of birth etc), for the baby’s sake. Keep your child safe, she can’t choose for her/himself yet, so you must protect their rights.

gamerchick · 26/08/2018 16:48

Your mother's nuts. Good luck and if she makes a pest out of herself then ask your bloke to screen her calls.

Oh and delete her off SM maybe for the minute.

killemwithkindness · 26/08/2018 17:18

I am very close with my own mum, but she wasn't at the birth. She knew DH and I wanted some time alone with Dc and waited until he contacted her to come and visit.

MrsFezziwig · 26/08/2018 17:33

One Born Every Minute has got a lot to answer for! I think it is procedure in all hospitals that only one person is allowed to accompany the mum into the theatre itself - it’s a surgical procedure in a sterile area, fgs!

DartmoorDoughnut · 26/08/2018 17:43

Fuck that!!

Just don’t call her back

lasttimeround · 26/08/2018 17:48

OP you have a narcissistic mother. Ignore the guilt. Bonding isn't you doing what she says. Its not about her.

Angharad07 · 26/08/2018 17:53

This is why grandparents really don’t deserve rights!

Nanny0gg · 26/08/2018 17:58

This is why grandparents really don’t deserve rights!

Don't tar us all with the same brush!

Actually I have been at most of my DGC's births - because I was invited. It never even occurred to me before the first one! And a few of my friends were at theirs too.

In your case however, your mother is a lunatic. And how can she be a help and support if she's filming?

Tell her no and instigate strict boundaries now or it will only get worse!