to not have my mum at the birth

[BluePandas]

I will try and keep the background short , basically I have an odd relationship with my mum.
We are just two very different people , she can be very full on and likes to be the centre of attention, she is really into social media and she acts almost like she is famous. Whereas I am quieter mostly keep to myself. My mum also favours my sister and has done our whole lives. My sister is the sort of daughter my mum always wanted (pretty and girly) and I have never been any of those things.

From my mums perspective I have always been a difficult child, I hated shopping and trying on dresses I was rubbish at dance and gymnastics and scared of horse riding. I also hated the name she gave me and referred to myself by a different one. As soon as I was old enough I changed it . and I know she was really upset by my decision and she still refers to me by my old name.

So I am currently pregnant with my first DC. It has been a really tough pregnancy and I have had lots of complications along the way. I am booked in for a c-section in a couple of weeks time which I am both looking forward too and am very scared about.

DH and I have talked about it and I wouldn't like my mum to visit until I am ready. It will be a stressful time and I don't want her to be making it all about her at a time when I am worried about DC.

So yesterday my mum called me asking about my plans for the birth as she want to know if she can film during the c-section. I said that only DH will be with me during the birth and that either DH or I will call her once the baby is born to discuss when she can come and visit. But that when she visits I don't want her to film anything because I don't want to be on her social media having just given birth

She was annoyed that we are dictating when she can come and visit her grandchild and that she wants to share our story with her followers and that they will see the highs and lows and emotions she is going through and it will raise awareness of the complications that can happen during labour.

I said I we will contact her as soon as we can but because of the complications we want to see how everything happens before we decide on an exact plan. But that we definitely won't want her to film us.

She was upset saying that we were destroying the bond between her and her new grandchild just because I don't have a great relationship with her. She said that she was trying to have a better relationship with me but that I was pushing her away. She also said that most people want their mums during labour and my sister found her a great help when she was giving birth and she just wanted a chance to be as close to me too.
I tried to explain that I was just worried about the birth but she cut me off saying that we will have to talk about it again as she is busy and she will call me again tonight.

This morning she has written a blog about grandparents and how they are so important in a child life. How worried she is about my DC being born but how some parents can't understand that grandparents care just as much as parents and she deserves a close relationship with all her grandchildren. She then goes on to say how she is a great grandmother to my niece and how close they are and how amazing she is as a grandparent and how parents need to understand that it takes a village to raise a child.

She has also posted a load of facebook statuses throughout the day saying how some people make her feel like a rubbish parent and how grandparents deserve rights too.

My sister has also called to tell me how amazing my mum was at her birth and how tastefully my mum filmed it and how great she was and how my mum means well and that she is trying to make a better relationship with me and make up for the past but that I won't let her.

I am dreading her calling later on because I know she will push the issue but I just don't want her there. But then I feel guilty because I know that she wants to be there and maybe this is her way of building bridges because we haven't been close in the past. But then I don't want to be filmed and even if she agrees not to film I still don't want to risk having her there in case she makes it more stressful than it has to be.

So aibu to not have my mum at the birth even though she wants to be there.

No way would I have let anyone film the birth, how tacky.
You have who you wnt with you, it's not a bloody circus, tell her no and stand your ground.
If your sister says anything else, tell her you are glad she had the labour she wanted, and you are having the one you want.
They both sound unbearable, tell the mw not to allow anyone except your dh.

My mum passed away six months before I got pregnant with my twins. If she were alive, there’s no chance in hell she would be near my birth - we became very close but not that close!

My emergency section was extremely distressing, I didn’t get to see my boys for hours, it was a really upsetting time where I wasn’t in my right mind and the thought of someone filming that makes me feel sick.

Put your foot down. Don’t call her until you’re ready. I can’t imagine treating my child like this. YANBU.

Is this birth for her or her followers on social media?

I was at the birth of DGD No1 (a c-section) because my DD wanted me rather than her DP. Her DP was at the birth of DGD no2 (also a c-section) as I made it clear from the start of the pregnancy that it was HIS place to be there rather than mine. I felt that it was a privilege rather than a right to be at the birth of my first GC. If they had been natural births then, probably, we would have both been there, her DPs DM had DGD no1.

If anyone had tried to film me giving birth, they couldn't have shared it without a warning as I spent most of it telling my now exH to STFU as I was having the baby not him .

Filming!!!! My mum won't be at the birth of my first, we get on fine but it's for me and DH. Also our local hospital only allow one person other than the patient in, so you might have an easy excuse...
My DM was at the birth of DN (SIL) I thought it was odd but SIL asked her to be there as she doesn't have much of a relationship with her own mum (with very good reason, she was drunk the first time she saw the baby for example). I've made it clear to DM birth is not a spectator sport to me and in all honesty I probably wouldn't even have DH there unless I felt it was really unfair not to. Just want to focus, and get it over with. We have a good enough relationship that I can tell her that and she's fine.

I don't know ANYONE who had their Mum at their birth (apart from a lone teen mother and a home birth)- and as I ran a playgroup and was a Nursery Secretary I have come across a fair few parents in my time!

Stick to your guns and ignore her drama. She actually sounds quite odd (filming for her followers! ) and intent on making it all about her. Your sister is free to make her choices, and you should make yours, with no reference to anyone else apart from your DH.

you're dreading calling her, just don't call. If she calls you, tell her that both being present at the birth and filming it are simply not up for discussion, and you are not going to waste any more time on it.

This ^^ she can't bully you unless you allow her to. You can't control other peoples actions, but you can control how you deal with them.

Only you get a say over who is with you. For my last birth I didn't even let my husband be with me because I wanted to feel relaxed about the older kids having proper care for as long as my labour took (less than 2 hours as it happened!).

If you think she may try to barge her way in, just warn your midwife and she can get all dragony on your behalf.

I haven't read any of the thread but I'll just say this OP: even without the background, the complications etc you would absolutely not be unreasonable to have just you and dh at birth. Even if you got on like a house on fire with your mum, it would still be perfectly normal and reasonable.

When you/dh answer the phone, just say, "Nothing has changed since our last conversation. We will let you know when we are ready for you to visit." End call.

Yup. And your sister was a classic Flying Monkey here, OP.

If you want to try and smooth things over with her, but still have it your way (the normal way).

Tell her you checked (don't say with Mumsnet, let her assume the hospital) because you heard how important it was for her, but (sadly) there is absolutely no-one allowed in the c-section except you & DH, and absolutely NO filming on the wards.

Would that help to appease her but stick to what you want?

If that won't work then just keep saying no - hang up if necessary. IF she's going to be like this you may want some space from her or she'll take over the experience of becoming a parent.

Thank you all for replying.

I didn't think about the hospital rules of only one person being allowed in for a c-section.
Though that still won't stop her trying to visit the first chance she gets which is why we are trying to make it so that we tell her when she can come and visit.

"Mum, we'll tell you as soon as we're ready to see you. Until then, the best support you could give us is giving us the chance to get to know our little son/daughter. I'm sure you understand."

You do need to put appropriate boundaries in place, otherwise in a few months she'll be pushing your buttons about sleepovers/weaning/breastfeeding/Easter chocolate/whatever else.

Fuck that. She sounds unhinged! Wanting to build bridges by filming you give birth??!!! I could kind of understand that if you were a vlogger yourself, but you're the opposite. I don't know anyone who has had their mum in with them btw.

Maybe show her this thread? Could help but also a large risk of major backfire.

For what it's worth I had a complicated pregnancy and planned c-section. The birth was an amazing experience.

I have 4 siblings - 12 grandchildren between us for my parents, and we’re all close. Not once did it occur to any of us, or our mum, to have her at the births and she’s very easy to have around.
With your dramalama of a mother, I would be even less inclined. Boundaries now - sounds like you will need them!

I'm sorry OP. Not only is she clearly bonkers, she's also a bully.

Don't reason with her. State when you would like visitors and don't open yourself to discussion. Don't speak on the phone if that's easier, just use texts/emails. Tell the midwives/nurses that you don't want her visiting you on the labour ward.

I know this is all easier said than done, but as other posters have said, she'll keep pushing as your child gets older, so best to stick to your guns now. Good luck.

Just remember - it's not easy, but nobody ever felt worse about themselves after sticking up to a bully.

Filming for followers? WTF!
Is your name Kardashian?!!

Seriously, I don't know anyone whose mum was present for the birth. Is this a thing now? OP you need to tell her to bugger off.

Blue do you know your cesarean section date? Do any members of your family know your exact due date?

If you don't know/ haven't told anyone else, push the date you make public back as late as possible. Planned sections are usually at 39 weeks or even earlier if it's important you don't go into natural labour. Give her/ any family members a date at least 2, if possible 3 weeks later.

You can always claim after the fact it was rushed forward at the last minute.

Don't tell anyone who is in contact with your family or who you can't trust to keep it to themselves that your baby has been born, until you are ready for visitors.

I was at the Labour and birth of my first grandchild. My daughter wanted me there because she had split up with the baby's dad. It was an experience I will never forget and I felt privileged. She also wanted me at the birth of her third child along with her husband but when she had to be taken into theatre for a complicated delivery, only one person was allowed so that was her husband obviously.
Our relationship hadn't been rosy during her teenage years and we forged a better understanding after the birth of her baby but that was because she wanted to!
The decision of who attends is entirely down to the woman giving birth, no one else.

There is literally all the information about labour that anyone could possibly need available out there, there is nothing that she can possibly add to it.

Ah, yes there is, the most important thing of all: how she feels about it!

You know, you absolutely know that if she were allowed to watch but forbidden to film, she'd whip out the phone as soon as everyone was too busy to notice. The good news is that, as it's a Caesarian, she'd be showing hundreds of near-strangers a tasteful photo of the inside of her daughter's abdomen rather than a close-up of her minge. So that's nice.

(I don't usually use the M word, but it seemed fitting in this context.)

I would restrict contact until she understands and respects you far more than she is doing at the moment. If you dont make a firm stand now as Essential Hummus says she will continue relentlessly.

Is moving an option (not right this moment obviously) - Id consider moving a safe 200 miles away.
I would make sure she doesnt know the proposed date of your CC (assuming she doesnt already know) and I would instruct the hospital that she is NOT ALLOWED in to visit you for any reason.

She sounds like a total nightmare just as everyone else has said.

I wouldn’t tell her the date. We were not allowed to film in the theatre. We could take pictures at the top end after he was born. Only one person in the theatre. It’s a very personal experience and the last thing I would have wanted is someone filming me for there bloody blog. Your mother suggesting your being unreasonable because you won’t let her film and share it says it all really. Where is this about her supporting you?

Don't tell her or make up a date that she can think she's involved with and attending. After the birth tell her all the plans changed as you were rushed in for an emergency section or something and no time to call etc.

Do not make any compromises. This is your time. Your baby. Your life. Your mother wants it for the FB glory. It's selfish.

Aww, c’mon folks! Maybe she just wants to be a Kardahsian for a day