to not have my mum at the birth

[BluePandas]

I will try and keep the background short , basically I have an odd relationship with my mum.
We are just two very different people , she can be very full on and likes to be the centre of attention, she is really into social media and she acts almost like she is famous. Whereas I am quieter mostly keep to myself. My mum also favours my sister and has done our whole lives. My sister is the sort of daughter my mum always wanted (pretty and girly) and I have never been any of those things.

From my mums perspective I have always been a difficult child, I hated shopping and trying on dresses I was rubbish at dance and gymnastics and scared of horse riding. I also hated the name she gave me and referred to myself by a different one. As soon as I was old enough I changed it . and I know she was really upset by my decision and she still refers to me by my old name.

So I am currently pregnant with my first DC. It has been a really tough pregnancy and I have had lots of complications along the way. I am booked in for a c-section in a couple of weeks time which I am both looking forward too and am very scared about.

DH and I have talked about it and I wouldn't like my mum to visit until I am ready. It will be a stressful time and I don't want her to be making it all about her at a time when I am worried about DC.

So yesterday my mum called me asking about my plans for the birth as she want to know if she can film during the c-section. I said that only DH will be with me during the birth and that either DH or I will call her once the baby is born to discuss when she can come and visit. But that when she visits I don't want her to film anything because I don't want to be on her social media having just given birth

She was annoyed that we are dictating when she can come and visit her grandchild and that she wants to share our story with her followers and that they will see the highs and lows and emotions she is going through and it will raise awareness of the complications that can happen during labour.

I said I we will contact her as soon as we can but because of the complications we want to see how everything happens before we decide on an exact plan. But that we definitely won't want her to film us.

She was upset saying that we were destroying the bond between her and her new grandchild just because I don't have a great relationship with her. She said that she was trying to have a better relationship with me but that I was pushing her away. She also said that most people want their mums during labour and my sister found her a great help when she was giving birth and she just wanted a chance to be as close to me too.
I tried to explain that I was just worried about the birth but she cut me off saying that we will have to talk about it again as she is busy and she will call me again tonight.

This morning she has written a blog about grandparents and how they are so important in a child life. How worried she is about my DC being born but how some parents can't understand that grandparents care just as much as parents and she deserves a close relationship with all her grandchildren. She then goes on to say how she is a great grandmother to my niece and how close they are and how amazing she is as a grandparent and how parents need to understand that it takes a village to raise a child.

She has also posted a load of facebook statuses throughout the day saying how some people make her feel like a rubbish parent and how grandparents deserve rights too.

My sister has also called to tell me how amazing my mum was at her birth and how tastefully my mum filmed it and how great she was and how my mum means well and that she is trying to make a better relationship with me and make up for the past but that I won't let her.

I am dreading her calling later on because I know she will push the issue but I just don't want her there. But then I feel guilty because I know that she wants to be there and maybe this is her way of building bridges because we haven't been close in the past. But then I don't want to be filmed and even if she agrees not to film I still don't want to risk having her there in case she makes it more stressful than it has to be.

So aibu to not have my mum at the birth even though she wants to be there.

The birth of your baby is such a special thing, one you will likely experience very few times in your life. You as the mother are the most important person, your wishes being met are fundamental in enabling you to have a positive experience. Any negative influences that may cause you unnecessary stress/ fear should be avoided at all costs. You only want your DH there, that's it, no further discussion. Any other set of circumstances will lower your oxytocin production during birth and may make the experience less positive, it may also make your post-natal period more difficult in terms of bonding and feeding depending on your wishes, again due to hormone inhibition. Everyone is different and some may want their mum present but many don't and that's totally normal and justified. Stick to your guns OP. I won't be telling either set of parents when I go into labour, it's too special a time for us to be interrupted by phone calls etc .

There was no way my mother or my mil would have been allowed at my birth, my DH nearly got sent home when I had DS1 for being an annoying twat.
Both of mine were by c-section (1 emergency, 1 planned) and you were only allowed 1 person in with you anyway so she wouldn't have been allowed at either of the hospitals I gave birth in.
Your mum seems to think that you having a baby is all about her - it isn't, it's about the baby and it's parents. My boys have a fab relationship with their grandparents and none of them were present at the birth and didn't get a phone call until afterwards - my dad didn't meet them til weeks after that were born and they both adore him.
She sounds like she'd have a strop whatever you do so I would just ignore her.

WTF? Does she think she's Kris Jenner or something? Is your life her personal reality show? Fuck that!!

You need to block her on social media. Don't even look at it. Let her carry on with her 'blog' and her 'followers', you really needn't subject yourself to that narcissistic bullshit. I'm not on Facebook and I'm damned glad I'm not.

And you don't have to call her, either. If she wants to 'talk' harangue you she can call you. And you can not answer your phone.

If I were you I'd give her a false day for the C-section. Tell her you're scheduled for 2 or 3 days later than you really are. Then you can go quietly to the hospital and give birth in peace. And most midwives and nurses are more than willing to take all responsibility for 'banning' people from labour and delivery areas at the request of the parents. Just tell them you don't want your mum to come in.

Even if you were the best of friends, that would still not give her one single entitlement to be there at the birth. It's a private time for you and your needs trump anyone else's. Even your DH. You decide what's best for you. A calm and relaxed birthing mother is optimal. No stress.

Best of luck to you!

Stop reading her manipulative commentary.

When you/dh answer the phone, just say, "Nothing has changed since our last conversation. We will let you know when we are ready for you to visit." End call.
Very best of luck.

Just say no.

My mum wanted to be at the births of my DC but I just wanted DH there so said so.

I think she was upset as DsIs did have words about it but mum didn’t tell me that directly.

I do get on with her generally and she has been a good mum to me and grandparent to DC but I wanted it to be a special time for DH and me only.

You are very clear that you don’t want her there so stick to it.

Good luck

My mother was at the birth of my child, and will probably be at the birth of the next one (if I’m lucky enough to conceive again). She always just assumed she would be and didn’t really ask or wait to be asked, but it didn’t bother me so I let her and I was pleased I did.

However this is a different situation and your mother sounds like she won’t respect your boundaries at all and thinks this birth is all about her! Do NOT let her attend!!!!!!

Jeez. She's not building a bridge to get closer to you - she's building a bridge so she can film herself standing on it singing, 'It's all about MEEEEEEE!'

Tell her no. She'll only nick your gas and air and make the theatre nurses adjust the lighting so it bounces off her halo better.

I wish I'd have told my mum to push off. She tricked her way into every birth and the last time was particularly bad as our relationship had gone completely sour. I found it degrading.
Please put yourself first.

Yet again, someone gets involved in a confrontational situation, responding to messages etc.. Say No, that's it, ignore everything else.

She sounds like the stuff of nightmares. Whatever you do don't be bullied into having her there. Who the hell invites themselves along to a birth and says they want to film it to share will their followers? Argh.

Just tell her a date 2 weeks later than the real one, have your baby in private and enjoy those precious first few weeks as a little family getting to know your baby (without being filmed or having it documented!)

I feel stressed for you just thinking about it.

I had my mum at DD1s birth but the difference is I wanted her there and asked her to be there - your mum is insane and needs to stop her me me me immediately. Stay strong OP

This is going to sound really harsh but your mum sounds like she has some form of personality disorder and I'd be worried her trip to a hospital would result in an extended stay! Is she Kris Jenner?

YADNBU! Agree with the suggestions of not telling her the date of the CS so she leaves you in peace and also blocking her on social media/not reading her blog. She is clearly a very manipulative person and you deserve to enjoy this special time without her dramatics.

the media thing is yuck I think your right she is basing this as all around her - not being excited & concerned about you & dc. a real mum might be concerned about your treatment & certainly want to see the baby asap but to see both you & the baby not to use it as something about her experiences.

And also pointing out the glaringly obvious here but this has fuck all to do with bonding. It's about her mini media storm! Im so embarrassed for her. Can you emigrate?

Wow that's insane.
I was worried when my DD was pregnant that she might want me there, she didn't'.

I agree with pp when she calls let your DH answer NO. I also agree with giving her the wrong date

Some people really are the stars in their own melodrama. They imagine themselves being filmed and watched all the time. I'm picturing her dressed to the nines and with a face full of slap even to put the bin out! Such divas also want to film/over do social media as it's part of the show. Will she be on CBB soon?!

She'a a nightmare. Do not let her anywhere near the maternity ward!

The whole idea of filming you during labour specifically to post on social media is ludicrous. I have never heard anything so completely batshit crazy.

When mum suggested it was 'normal' to invite the prospective grandparent to the birth, I told her that the only people I would be inviting to the birth were those present at the conception. She never mentioned it again.

This is clearly not about her building bridges, but her wish to have something dramatic to show to her social media followers. It is utter nonsense that most women want their mothers with them during labour: I couldn't imagine anything worse. Point out to her that grandparents have managed to bond for centuries despite being unable to film their grandchildren's births.

My DD is having a section this week and not once did it ever occur to me to be present at the birth. We are very close and she wants me there when she gets home but she did say she might not tell anyone when she is being admitted so that we won’t be worrying. Your mum is out of order and is obviously not respecting your wishes. She thinks she is famous, no, she is bonkers. Stand up for yourself, she’ll get over it and I’m sure so will her “followers”.

OP, your mother is so far wrong it is not even possible to describe!

In your position I would block all of your mother’s Social media so you can’t see anything. Secondly, I wouldn’t be answering her calls. Get your husband to screen her calls and intercept when necessary.

As for the birth, I would only tell her once you have had the baby and feel ready to face her. It may take you a week or more! She does not get to dictate how you live your life.

I would seriously be considering going very low contact, if not no contact, in the future. Her behaviour towards you is fucking insane and I really don’t understand what she brings to your life other than guilt, stress and grief.

Good luck with the c - section. Mine was a planned as well and was really relaxed and stress-free, I hope yours will be the same.

Point out also that it is not her role to educate people about labour. There is literally all the information about labour that anyone could possibly need available out there, there is nothing that she can possibly add to it.

If you're dreading calling her, just don't call. If she calls you, tell her that both being present at the birth and filming it are simply not up for discussion, and you are not going to waste any more time on it.