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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pick my Daughter up early and be really angry with her?

229 replies

Canshopwillshop · 08/08/2018 14:23

My DD is 13 and has started going out and about in our local market town to meet a group of friends. I am ok with this generally as long as I know roughly where she is and can contact her if needed. However today I texted her at 1pm to ask her something and got no reply. Another txt 10 mins later - no reply. I then tried to phone her and she didn’t pick up - tried for about half an hour to make contact, all the time getting more and more worried. In the end I drove to where I thought she’d be and found her with her friends. I made her come home with me (half an hour earlier than we’d agreed) and I have had a real go at her about worrying me unnecessarily and keeping in touch etc.

The thing is she is normally glued to her bloody phone and uses it to tell me what time she needs picking up, asks for extra time etc etc but when I need to get hold of her she doesn’t pick up Angry. She said she’d put her phone in her friend’s bag and didn’t hear it ringing. She’s now sulking in her room. Did I over-react?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 08/08/2018 14:24

Expecting to be in constant contact seems very OTT

PaulRuddislush · 08/08/2018 14:25

Yes. You did. You're in for a world of pain if you don't chill out a bit.

We all make mistakes, you'll both get there

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking · 08/08/2018 14:26

I think you did over react tbh, it’s hard because I would be worried in your shoes.. but she didn’t actually do anything wrong.

Original poster
Canshopwillshop · 08/08/2018 14:26

Sirzy - not constant contact, just if needed. I needed to check something with her. Other times she’s been out for hours without being in touch but it worried me when I tried to call and got no response.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 08/08/2018 14:27

I think it was a really big overreaction.

HolyMountain · 08/08/2018 14:27

Yes you did over react, I bet she's pissed off you embarrassed her in front of her friends.

Andtheresaw · 08/08/2018 14:27

YABU.
Sorry

ShirleyPhallus · 08/08/2018 14:27

Yes you did overreacte

Bet she was really embarrassed

LML83 · 08/08/2018 14:28

I understand your worry but 30 mins is not a long time, if it was at night and past curfew I could understand your reaction but not during the day. (Though I would have panicked too I wouldn't have shown it in the same way)

foxtiger · 08/08/2018 14:28

I quite often don't hear my phone in noisy shops, and I've got the loudest ringtone I can find (it scares the life out of people in quieter settings if I don't remember to turn it down a bit). There's nothing wrong with my hearing, but if a phone is ringing inside a bag, with lots of conversations and maybe music going on all around you, it can be genuinely hard to hear. If it's very important to you to be able to get in touch with her at all times, I'd suggest she puts it on "vibrate then ring" and makes sure it's in her own bag or pocket where she will feel it.

Having said that, I don't think a 13 year old really needs to be contacted every 10 minutes. She'd let you know if anything was wrong.

Racoon100 · 08/08/2018 14:29

YABU and definitely over reacted. She was out with her friends, it's nice that she wasn't glued to her phone the whole time.

Singlenotsingle · 08/08/2018 14:29

OP was worried about her DD, who after all, is only 13! If she did overreact, it's understandable. Hopefully DD will in future, realise how worried her mum was, and make sure she stays in contact. Next time she might find she's grounded.

Thebluedog · 08/08/2018 14:29

It’s a bit of an extreme reaction to her not responding after 10 mins following a text, and also half an hour of calling. Especially if you’d already agreed a time and a place for pick up that was in only 30 mins time.

I’d start reacting like that if she was half an hour late for pick up with no response.

Original poster
Canshopwillshop · 08/08/2018 14:29

Ok ok - still learning to let go.
@holymountain - I didn’t say anything in front of her friends. She saw me pull up and walked over. They had no clue what was happening.

OP posts:
chaoscategorised · 08/08/2018 14:30

Poor girl. You massively overreacted. Maybe apologise for treating her like a 7-year-old in front of her friends, explain that you were worried but that you realise now she needs a bit of independence and that you were wrong to do that.

OurMiracle1106 · 08/08/2018 14:30

You over reacted. Probably due to worry but YABU sorry.

Sandstormbrewing · 08/08/2018 14:30

Yes you did. Her explanation was plausible and she was where you expected her to be and with people you expected her to be with.

You owe her an apology (a small one).

chaoscategorised · 08/08/2018 14:31

She needs to feel like you trust her to go out - building that trust with her will help her feel secured and respected, which is important for a teenager and for your relationship.

ShirleyPhallus · 08/08/2018 14:31

What did our parents do in the days pre-mobile phones?

As a 13 year old, I certainly didn’t have to check in all the time with my parents

MargoLovebutter · 08/08/2018 14:31

Canshopwillshop had you set the expectation that you would be getting in touch with her regularly to make sure she was ok? Had you told her that you would expect her to keep an eye on her phone because you would expect her to pick up or text back when you did?

If you did those things & your daughter had broken your trust by not keeping her side of the bargain, then yes, you are being entirely reasonable.

If on the other hand, none of that conversation took place, then you are making the rules after the event and that is unfair/unreasonable.

Being in regular contact with young teenagers when you start trusting them to go out by themselves is entirely reasonable BUT you have to set the ground rules with them and agree the consequences as well. That way everyone knows where they stand.

Bombardier25966 · 08/08/2018 14:31

You need to apologise for your overreaction.

mostdays · 08/08/2018 14:31

You did a bit, but I get it- when you start to worry, you can't stop worrying until you get that contact letting you know it's all OK. Can you set some sort of agreement that she'll contact you every 2 hours or so?

Original poster
Canshopwillshop · 08/08/2018 14:32

I’m accepting being unreasonable in this case - thanks. But can I just make it clear that I do not text or call every 10 minutes normally! She’s been out for hours before with little or no contact.

OP posts:
mrsplum2015 · 08/08/2018 14:33

Yes you did over react. I feel completely the same if I can't get hold of my dd (same age). I go into a blind panic and imagine all sorts. I have also once or twice, or maybe a couple more times, been to find her! But I have then either just seen her and left without her seeing me or bumped into her and said I was shopping anyway. I will then later lightly ask why she didn't answer me, and explain I was anxious (my issue) but I don't tell her off or punish her. People miss sms and phone calls all the time. Not an offence, unless she isn't where she says she is eg late home.

Original poster
Canshopwillshop · 08/08/2018 14:33

And I said nothing in front of her friends either - I would never embarrass her like that. They have no clue that she was in trouble.

OP posts: