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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pick my Daughter up early and be really angry with her?

229 replies

Canshopwillshop · 08/08/2018 14:23

My DD is 13 and has started going out and about in our local market town to meet a group of friends. I am ok with this generally as long as I know roughly where she is and can contact her if needed. However today I texted her at 1pm to ask her something and got no reply. Another txt 10 mins later - no reply. I then tried to phone her and she didn’t pick up - tried for about half an hour to make contact, all the time getting more and more worried. In the end I drove to where I thought she’d be and found her with her friends. I made her come home with me (half an hour earlier than we’d agreed) and I have had a real go at her about worrying me unnecessarily and keeping in touch etc.

The thing is she is normally glued to her bloody phone and uses it to tell me what time she needs picking up, asks for extra time etc etc but when I need to get hold of her she doesn’t pick up Angry. She said she’d put her phone in her friend’s bag and didn’t hear it ringing. She’s now sulking in her room. Did I over-react?

OP posts:
Lunde · 08/08/2018 15:27

Yes - big overreaction.

YearOfYouRemember · 08/08/2018 15:29

Yanbu
And lol at the pp telling you to stop it Hmm.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 08/08/2018 15:29

Pretty clear based on the majority view here that you have over reacted.

You need to think through your reactions and your fears.

She was due to meet you at something like 2pm, you tried to contact her an hour earlier for something that she was not expecting. She was not late, she did not disappear, she simply did not pick up the phone. Also, she may have chosen to ignore your text / call and leave it to discuss this with you in an hours time. Unless it was really urgent and important, this is all perfectly reasonable behaviour.

She will in the future, be late, forget to call and let you know where she is, stay out all night, lie about where she is, miss the last train home, not phone home for days / weeks, travel to the other side of the world and have no more contact that the odd instagram post. This is just the tip of the iceberg... time to think about where your boundaries are and how to manage the anxiety associated with letting your babies stretch their wings. We have all been there... regretting the 'come home when you are ready', 'call me when you want me to pick you up' and 'have a great time, see you when you get back, no rush' comments and have spent the next few hours biting our nails hoping they will not be swallowed up by dragons at the end of the road. My first exposure was when my 3 year old wandered off and when we found her, sitting at a craft stall at the fair we were at, she said but 'Mummy, I wasn't lost.'

AgentProvocateur · 08/08/2018 15:30

Huge overreaction. She’s 13, not 3. Think back to what you were doing at that age (in the pre-mobile era)

Hogtini · 08/08/2018 15:32

You completely overreacted. It would have been completely different (and understandable) if you had meant to be picking her up at said time and she was nowhere to be found and you couldn't contact her but that wasn't the case. Or if you had a pre-agreed 'check in every x hours' but that's not mentioned. It all about expectations and mutual respect and understanding.

Original poster
Canshopwillshop · 08/08/2018 15:35

Thanks for the constructive comments most of you and I accept I over-reacted a bit out of worry and anxiety. I will talk to her later when she’s gone from meeting another friend m. And no, I won’t be ringing or texting her - it was just that earlier on I really needed to check something important with her and then panicked at the lack of response.

@Rebecca36 And others accusing me of embarrassing her in front of her friends - I DIDNT! I simply picked her up a bit earlier than planned. Her friends don’t know why and I didn’t say anything in front of them. They were over on the far side of the field and DD walked over to meet me when she saw my car, she got in and we drove off - how is that embarrassing???

OP posts:
Oblomov18 · 08/08/2018 15:35

Actually, I disagree with all pp. Completely.

Have had similar with Ds1. Glued to phone constantly. Yet when out with mates, not contactable. Once minorly, once for quite a bit. Have told him when he got home that this was not acceptable.

Stopyourhavering64 · 08/08/2018 15:42

Yabu , and in future pick your battles wisely, otherwise the next 5-6 years are going to be hell for both of you

Trinity66 · 08/08/2018 15:46

Yeah you over reacted and embarrassed her just because she didn't hear her phone

BackforGood · 08/08/2018 15:51

I agree with the overwhelming majority - YWBU, and completely OTT.
To be fair, you have acknowledged this.

wanderings · 08/08/2018 15:52

@ShirleyPhallus What did our parents do in the days pre-mobile phones?

Even in the early 90's, my parents were very hot on knowing where I was. They gave me a phonecard to use at school. I wasn't allowed to go into London on my own until I was about 15.

When I started going on short trips by myself, aged perhaps 11 or 12, I was instructed to give "three rings", especially after dark: when I arrived somewhere, to call my parents' number, and put the phone down on the third ring, so it wouldn't cost.

There was one occasion when I was supposed to do this when coming home after visiting someone, except I couldn't because someone else in my house was on the phone... and stayed on it. I went out to a nearby phone box to do it, but there was a queue. Having waited ten minutes I was then lambasted for worrying everybody - most unfair.

I remember also being a bit bemused by my mum's routine of when coming home after a long drive visiting our grandparents, to give them a call to tell them that we were home safely. (I suppose I was blissfully unaware of serious car accidents.)

Notevilstepmother · 08/08/2018 15:54

Just tell her your were worried and you know it’s annoying but it’s becuase you love and care about her. Tell her you would really appreciate it if she checks her phone in future in case there is an emergency and because you worry.

This is not a battle I’d pick to be honest, as it’s likely to backfire.

Notevilstepmother · 08/08/2018 15:56

Before mobiles we used these things called phone boxes to call our mums and let them know where we were. You put 10p pieces in them.

Notevilstepmother · 08/08/2018 15:56

I feel old.

Lovemusic33 · 08/08/2018 15:57

I did the same when my dd started going into town, she didn’t answer and I started to worry, turned out she had it on silent and hadn’t checked it.

I’m now a bit more relaxed and I know if she needs me she will message or phone.

It is a bit scary at first when they start going out and I think it’s normal for us as parents to worry and to panic. It gets easier the more they go out.

BlackType · 08/08/2018 15:57

If the OP were doing a constant check-up on her DD, she would BVU. However, there's no suggestion at all that this is what she's doing.

My 14 yo DD (the older boys don't use phones, as that would be too much like hard work) is also glued to hers. She would, like, literally die rather than relinquish it for 3 seconds. Yet she still won't answer the blasted thing on the relatively rare occasions that I need to speak to her.

It's either - allegedly - a) at the bottom of her bag; b) at the bottom of someone else's bag; c) on silent; d) "on 0 percent"; or b) without a signal.

Funnily, when I then text her to remind her that a) I pay her phone bill, and won't if she can't answer her phone, and b) that if iPhones have such crap batteries then she had better have a Nokia brick like mine, she tends to ring me straight back.

With a bit of luck, OP, your DD will answer hers in future.

Helloisitteaurlookingfor · 08/08/2018 15:57

YABU.

My mum used to be like this with me and in the end I was so on edge all the time checking my phone constantly, worried the whole time I was out that I'd miss a call by accident and my mum go mad at me again.

Pickleypickles · 08/08/2018 15:58

I think you weren't unreasonable at all. My parents were really laid back pretty the only rule I had was they had to be able to contact me. It doesn't mean you have to be in constant contact just contactable.

abbsisspartacus · 08/08/2018 15:58

I'm on the fence here see I remember when my dd was this age and to be fair I still do it now she is 18 I message her no reply I send oy gert! Message occasionally get a reply if no reply I spam her messenger with mad gifs or smily faces until she gets in touch it's a thing we do she actually doesn't mind this but we have an odd relationship I'm fortunate her friends find me funny too

ASimpleLampoon · 08/08/2018 15:58

YABU. How on earth would you have coped in the days before mobile phones and social networks? Do you remember those times at all? Was your daughter up to no good or just having a good time with her friends and didn't notice she had a message.

You embarrassed her in front of all her friends and she did nothing wrong.

You owe her an apology and you need to calm down. If you need to check in agree some reasonable ground rules on this for the future, and include her in the decision in what is reasonable.

If you carry on like this you are going to damage your relationship with her.

Admit you over reacted and move on. Don't let this escalate.

I hope you and your daughter work it out together. Good luck x !

Frogscotch7 · 08/08/2018 16:00

I don’t think you are unreasonable and totally get that you freaked out. I dont think you need to apologise either. You didn’t do anything wrong.

BlackType · 08/08/2018 16:01

And why do people keep on saying the OP embarrassed her DD in front of her DD's friends? I think the OP has cleared that one up several times...

Skyejuly · 08/08/2018 16:02

My Ds is 14 and I would do the same.

devoncreamtea · 08/08/2018 16:03

Yanbu in my opinion. It is tricky establishing boundaries when our teenagers start being more independent. If I were you, I would go up to her room and have a chat along the lines of 'look, I know turning up at the (park or wherever she was) might have embarrassed you, but if you are out with your friends I expect you to be responsible and part of that needs to be that I can contact you if I need to.' Then establish some ground rules, like if you text her she needs to reply to you.
My daughter is 15 and I have definitely had moments like this with her, particularly when we were both getting used to her having more freedom. Now she gets herself around and about mainly and I no longer need a text to say 'I got here safely' or whatever, but at first I really did. Setting up those expectations in the first instance has actually helped me to give her freedom as it developed confidence And trust. Go with your instincts. You can't make yourself feel as relaxed and ok with things as other posters do, do what feels appropriate for you. Parenting is tough enough! Flowers

SluttyButty · 08/08/2018 16:04

She's 13 not 3. The poor lass is probably now mortified at your overaction.

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