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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pick my Daughter up early and be really angry with her?

229 replies

Canshopwillshop · 08/08/2018 14:23

My DD is 13 and has started going out and about in our local market town to meet a group of friends. I am ok with this generally as long as I know roughly where she is and can contact her if needed. However today I texted her at 1pm to ask her something and got no reply. Another txt 10 mins later - no reply. I then tried to phone her and she didn’t pick up - tried for about half an hour to make contact, all the time getting more and more worried. In the end I drove to where I thought she’d be and found her with her friends. I made her come home with me (half an hour earlier than we’d agreed) and I have had a real go at her about worrying me unnecessarily and keeping in touch etc.

The thing is she is normally glued to her bloody phone and uses it to tell me what time she needs picking up, asks for extra time etc etc but when I need to get hold of her she doesn’t pick up Angry. She said she’d put her phone in her friend’s bag and didn’t hear it ringing. She’s now sulking in her room. Did I over-react?

OP posts:
Winterbella · 08/08/2018 16:08

Your the parent you set the rules she lives by them that's the way it works. Don't apologise for being the responsible adult you are, I wonder how many people wish they had worried a bit more about their teenagers, and equally how many wish their parents gave a dam about where they are.

afrikat · 08/08/2018 16:08

I think it would be better for you to agree curfews or a time she needs to check in rather than expect an instant reply when there is no reason to think there is a problem

When I was 13 my parents didn't know who I was with or what I was doing every minute of the day - we didn't have mobile phones so we would agree when I'd be home and that was that

I would try and chill out a bit or you will end up smothering her and pushing her away

SendYouUpInFlames · 08/08/2018 16:09

How utterly embarrassing for her. She's 13. A teenager. You need to let go a little, you said 'not in constant contact only when needed.'

That was not needed. You were being paranoid.

It wasn't even 3PM. What a complete overreaction.

You should apologize publicly in front of her friends.

Imagine how she felt being pulled home from her friends at barley 2PM for not texting mummy where she was??!!

Cake
Oblomov18 · 08/08/2018 16:10

I'm liking Pictish's list!! Grin

"Ha ha - I put it in my friend’s bag and didn’t hear it ringing...the first in a long line of excuses for ignoring you that will also include:

Sorry, my battery was dead
Sorry, I didn’t have any reception
Sorry, I put it on silent and forgot to take it off again
Sorry, I accidentally put it on ‘do not disturb’
Sorry, I didn’t hear the phone
Sorry, I didn’t get your text
Sorry, I didn’t look at my phone

And more besides.
Teens can turn ignoring their parents’ calls and texts into an art form."

Couldn't agree more!! Grin

rainbowstardrops · 08/08/2018 16:10

I would have probably gone at the agreed time to pick her up and then spoken to her about how she has to be contactable but I can totally understand that you were worrying about her.
I have made it quite clear to my DD that if she's going to be significantly late home from school or whatever then it's just courtesy to send a quick text. Just like I would do if I was going to be later than expected.
Yes, your DD needs her independence but she also needs to know the boundaries

SendYouUpInFlames · 08/08/2018 16:12

She may not if emvarrezed her friend infront of them. Seen as though you pulled up and she came to you...

But imagine what she'll have to say to all them when they text saying

'why did you have to leave so early?'
' Why did your mum make you come in at 2pm'

What exactly is she going to say?

Embarrassing.

liz70 · 08/08/2018 16:13

At that age I was regularly taking the bus or train into town and mooching around, often on my own, for hours. Needless to say, this was before mobile phones - as long as I was back at a reasonable time that evening, my parents didn't fret. Time to start letting your daughter have some independence.

RiceandBeans · 08/08/2018 16:13

tried for about half an hour to make contact, all the time getting more and more worried

Crikey! When I was 13, we didn't have mobile phones. I was trustworthy to be where I agreed with my parents, and they let me go off by myself.

I'm still alive, with all my limbs, fingers & toes, and my safety wasn't compromised.

She's 13 - give her a bit of (managed) liberty. She did nothing wrong: she was out with friends, with an agreed home time. You've punished her because she wouldn't do an errand for you, which you hadn't asked her to do before she went out.

SendYouUpInFlames · 08/08/2018 16:14

Wtf :S she may not of embarrassed her in front of her friends* fucking phone 😡

MrsSnootyPants2018 · 08/08/2018 16:16

She's was just engrossed in being out with her friends. If she'd been an hour past the agreed time to be home I'd be annoyed and start phoning but early?

No. You were unreasonable. Worried yes, maybe be give her a bit more of a chance next time.

MrsFezziwig · 08/08/2018 16:16

So could the thing you needed to check not have waited until you picked her up?

IceCreamFace · 08/08/2018 16:17

Your the parent you set the rules she lives by them that's the way it works. Don't apologise for being the responsible adult you are, I wonder how many people wish they had worried a bit more about their teenagers, and equally how many wish their parents gave a dam about where they are.

By that logic you could basically follow your teenager around under the guise of being responsible and caring. There has to be a balance between keeping your teenager safe and giving them some independence and allowing them to have a social life. At 18 (or earlier) they'll be off on their own and only calling when they want to. There needs to be some kind of transition between knowing where they are at every second and letting them go completely.

EuphoricNight · 08/08/2018 16:20

It doesn't really matter what we all did in the old days before mobile phones.

The fact is they have them now and tbh I'm with the op. A young teen out for hours with friends should respond to a parents text or phone call. It is helicoptering it's just basic rules.

Teens are on phones 24/7 even when with their friends. They should answer a parents text or call, It's not that unreasonable.

EuphoricNight · 08/08/2018 16:20

*Isn't helicoptering

Original poster
Canshopwillshop · 08/08/2018 16:21

Oh fuck off Cauliflower - I am certainly not a helicopter parent! RTFT - As I’ve said numerous times, I don’t normally contact her when she’s out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Canshopwillshop · 08/08/2018 16:23

@liz70 - she gets loads of independence and freedom.

OP posts:
BrokenWing · 08/08/2018 16:23

Ds(14) has always taken ages to reply to messages or calls, he has his phone on silent all the time because he gets fed up with constant pings from friends, snap chat etc. He says he can't turn off snap chat noise because he then won't get notifications either. I guess it's good he's not constantly looking at it and is enjoying being out.

If I need to contact him I occasionally use find my iphone and make it make a noise.

You did over react a bit, and all parents know the worry, but expecting them to constantly monitor their phone while out and not due home yet just incase you are worried is unfair.

Bouncingbelle · 08/08/2018 16:24

I actually think you didnt overreact. She has a phone so you can contact each other if needed. You needed to get hold of her and she didnt have her phone on her. You didnt make a scene in front of her friends. I wouldnt mention it again but i think she will have learned to answer her phone next time!

Cauliflowersqueeze · 08/08/2018 16:25

No I won’t “fuck off” - how rude. You asked for opinions and I shared mine, without offensively swearing at you.

Do you normally swear at people like this, or is this just a one-off, too?

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 08/08/2018 16:26

Jeez, lighten up. You'll need to loosen those apron strings a bit as she gets older.

Plumsofwrath · 08/08/2018 16:27

What’s the big deal about embarrassing the girl in front of her friends? FFS, the Mum was worried, the girl’s a teenager, it’s practically OP’s job to embarrass her.

I couldn’t give a shiny shit what my daughter, let alone her friends, think of me. When it suits them, their phones are always ready and available. When it doesn’t, the list of excuses is amazing (actually reassuringly so, shows quite some imagination and creativity).

I think two texts, a call, then driving out to find her was more about your level of worry than actual threat (probably). But you were by no means unreasonable to worry.

I think you just need to agree some rules together, this is a good time seeing as she’s stepping out alone more now.

And fuck all this embarrassing her shit. Jeez. As if it weren’t hard enough already, you now have to be a cool mum Hmm

BackforGood · 08/08/2018 16:27

Why you being so rude to one poster?
Virtually everyone is telling you the same.
You've asked a question, which people are giving you their opinions on - you know, what you asked for. You won't agree with many of them them all, but there's no need to pick just one out and start swearing at her.

EuphoricNight · 08/08/2018 16:28

'but expecting them to constantly monitor their phone while out and not due home yet just incase you are worried is unfair'

Have you every seen groups of teens out. They do 'constantly monitor their phones' Grin.

The op wasn't constantly contacting her she texted, she rang and got no response. I'd have been annoyed to.

Original poster
Canshopwillshop · 08/08/2018 16:29

@sendyouupinflames - (oh how I’d love to do that 😂). What she will say at leaving at 2pm is that her mum was meeting her to take her to meet her other friend to take them to the funfair (where they both are now). I just picked her up earlier than initially planned. Don’t make too many assumptions.

OP posts:
Original poster
Canshopwillshop · 08/08/2018 16:35

@backforgood - I object strongly to being called a helicopter parent that’s why. If she had read through what I’ve said she would realise it’s simply not true. I’ve accepted the majority of the opinions on here that I over reacted.
@Euphoricnight - thank you. You get why I was worried. It is out of character for DD to not be glued to her phone hence my worry when she didn’t respond. (which before anyone else jumps on me to say it, I know was a bit of an over reaction).

OP posts: