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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pick my Daughter up early and be really angry with her?

229 replies

Canshopwillshop · 08/08/2018 14:23

My DD is 13 and has started going out and about in our local market town to meet a group of friends. I am ok with this generally as long as I know roughly where she is and can contact her if needed. However today I texted her at 1pm to ask her something and got no reply. Another txt 10 mins later - no reply. I then tried to phone her and she didn’t pick up - tried for about half an hour to make contact, all the time getting more and more worried. In the end I drove to where I thought she’d be and found her with her friends. I made her come home with me (half an hour earlier than we’d agreed) and I have had a real go at her about worrying me unnecessarily and keeping in touch etc.

The thing is she is normally glued to her bloody phone and uses it to tell me what time she needs picking up, asks for extra time etc etc but when I need to get hold of her she doesn’t pick up Angry. She said she’d put her phone in her friend’s bag and didn’t hear it ringing. She’s now sulking in her room. Did I over-react?

OP posts:
MsBagelLady · 08/08/2018 14:34

No YANBU. Your daughter has a mobile phone and, as you said, is glued to it. She, along with many other young people, -probably- choose to ignore their parents' attempts to contact them and so you are well within your rights to look for her, take her home and bollock her for it.

MsBagelLady · 08/08/2018 14:34

Damn, I meant probably

5cats · 08/08/2018 14:35

The constant need to be contactable these days gets my back up. Maybe i'm old fashioned cos I'm old though.

mineisarossini · 08/08/2018 14:37

Op don't worry you are just getting used to your dd's newfound independence thats all. I felt the same for a little while.

It is a big step when they start going out alone, and they are still young and certainly impressionable.

The blind panic is normal and she is home safe now. I would leave it now, and next time she goes out explain the importance of her answering your calls (even if we a text if she can't call back at that moment) and then you won't need to keep calling.

JumblieGirl · 08/08/2018 14:37

Been through this with both of mine who are adults now. Yes, you over-reacted.
However, next time she goes out, she’ll have her phone on her. Don’t be angry, it’s a learning point for both of you.
I used to tell mine ‘Don’t make me worry, don’t make me fear for your safety. A scared parent is unreasonable.’

pictish · 08/08/2018 14:41

Ha ha - I put it in my friend’s bag and didn’t hear it ringing...the first in a long line of excuses for ignoring you that will also include:

Sorry, my battery was dead
Sorry, I didn’t have any reception
Sorry, I put it on silent and forgot to take it off again
Sorry, I accidentally put it on ‘do not disturb’
Sorry, I didn’t hear the phone
Sorry, I didn’t get your text
Sorry, I didn’t look at my phone

And more besides.
Teens can turn ignoring their parents’ calls and texts into an art form.

beachysandy81 · 08/08/2018 14:43

It's fine, she will pick up her phone next time.

rubyroot · 08/08/2018 14:46

She's 13 for god sake! At 10/11 I was riding around on my bike in my local town with my friends without a mobile and undisturbed by my parents.

A total over reaction- why should she be checking her phone all the time just in case you ring.

MargoLovebutter · 08/08/2018 14:47

Seriously, set expectations and have consequences. Mine don't ignore my texts or calls because they know that I will carry through. It is really simple. I ask them to pick up or respond, if I get in touch and ensure that they have enough charge on their phone for the duration of the time they are out - which means carry a charge pack if necessary (if they are at an all day event etc).

If they don't respond or get back to me in a reasonable amount of time (max 30 mins), then once they are home safely, they will not be going on the next outing - whatever that may be.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/08/2018 14:50

I expected my DSs to respond if I called or texted once they had phones. They knew that if I was trying to get in touch with them it was for a reason.

It's today's world, isn't it? Being instantly contactable is both a blessing and a curse. I expect our grandparents felt the same way when they had their first telephones installed in their homes.

And YY to what did our parents do when we were out and about. They had no idea what we were up to and the only way to know would be if they called a friend's parents and the stories didn't match up. Ah, the good old days!

fuzzywuzzy · 08/08/2018 14:53

Going against the tide here, I think YANBU.

I've had that excuse too from DD, I've told her she has a phone so I can contact her, I don't expect her to put it in her friends pocket or the bottom of her bag where she cannot hear or feel it ring, I expect her to be contactable if I have trusted her to be out on her own.

She's only ever done it once, clearly she thought the consequences weren't worth it.

Like you OP I rarely call her when she's out with friends, but when I do, I expect her to answer.

Hissy · 08/08/2018 14:58

My DS is almost 13 and I'd feel the same as you tbh

Topseyt · 08/08/2018 14:59

Errm, yes. You did overreact.

You only had half an hour left until you were picking her up, so you could have waited until then, and then just asked her calmly why she didn't respond to your messages.

I would tell her though that her phone should not be put in any of her friends' bags because of the possibility of it being forgotten there. She must keep it in her own bag/pocket. You do have some say there. If you are paying her bills, or a monthly contract for her, then it is really your phone, that she gets permanent use of.

Rebecca36 · 08/08/2018 15:00

Do you enjoy embarrassing your daughter in front of her friends?
For goodness sake, chill out.

sparklefarts · 08/08/2018 15:05

Yeah you over reacted

WittyFuck · 08/08/2018 15:06

You did not over react. Contactable by phone is expected basic in this house, but rarely used. If she wasnt picking up the phone, i'd want to know what she was doing.

User912 · 08/08/2018 15:07

I'm sorry OP but YABU.

You text her again because you didn't get a reply after ten minutes? Then started phoning her? The girl probably wants some space - she is 13.

I'm really sorry but in my opinion you sound overbearing and controlling. You definitely need to back off her a bit as that's unhealthy in my eyes. Totally unreasonable expectations.

Winterbella · 08/08/2018 15:09

I don't think you did overreact, at the end of the day its a mobile phone I expect mine to answer a message within a reasonable time whats the point of having it if people can't get a hold of you? What if there had of been an emergency at home. I think she needs to learn a lesson here.

Glumglowworm · 08/08/2018 15:13

Yes you overreacted

It’s seen as such a negative that teens are glued to their phones... then the moment they aren’t that’s also bad! They can’t win!

It was half an hour of no response, in the middle of the day, for a 13 year old who was having fun with her friends.

MsBagelLady · 08/08/2018 15:18

I think the point is that the OPs daughter is contactable and chose to become uncontactable with regards to her Mum. I don't know but I'm betting that Mum pays the bill, bought the phone and whatnot so daughter needs to respect that and also be aware that mums worry and if answering the phone is too embarrassing then text Mum back as soon as daughter sees missed call [which would be immediately let's be honest]. I stand by my YANBU in the slightest.

BertrandRussell · 08/08/2018 15:18

Blimey- yes, you did overreact! It was only half n hour- she could easily have been in a shop with no mobile signal for that time. What on earth did you think had happened?

Hoppinggreen · 08/08/2018 15:20

Ive got a 13 year old and she’s allowed into town with friends
It is worrying if you cant get hold of them I know but I think you did overreact and embarrassed her which is quite awful

SalsaLala · 08/08/2018 15:24

Actually I think you’ve probably made life easier for yourself down the line. She won’t ignore your phone call again (I wouldn’t buy that ‘at the bottom of my bag’ line!).

Cauliflowersqueeze · 08/08/2018 15:24

This is called Helicoptering.

Stop it.

ReservoirDogs · 08/08/2018 15:25

Yes unreasonable this time.

We have a tracker (Friend Locator App) with DS's knowledge and permission. That way DH and I can see where he is - and he can see where we are.

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