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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pick my Daughter up early and be really angry with her?

229 replies

Canshopwillshop · 08/08/2018 14:23

My DD is 13 and has started going out and about in our local market town to meet a group of friends. I am ok with this generally as long as I know roughly where she is and can contact her if needed. However today I texted her at 1pm to ask her something and got no reply. Another txt 10 mins later - no reply. I then tried to phone her and she didn’t pick up - tried for about half an hour to make contact, all the time getting more and more worried. In the end I drove to where I thought she’d be and found her with her friends. I made her come home with me (half an hour earlier than we’d agreed) and I have had a real go at her about worrying me unnecessarily and keeping in touch etc.

The thing is she is normally glued to her bloody phone and uses it to tell me what time she needs picking up, asks for extra time etc etc but when I need to get hold of her she doesn’t pick up Angry. She said she’d put her phone in her friend’s bag and didn’t hear it ringing. She’s now sulking in her room. Did I over-react?

OP posts:
SendYouUpInFlames · 08/08/2018 17:17

Sorry can I ask what you'd love to do?
I can't make that link to my post at all :S

ShesABelter · 08/08/2018 17:20

Massive over reaction and I say that as the mum of a 13 year old daughter also.

ShesABelter · 08/08/2018 17:30

I think what alot of you are failing to aknowledge about your teens is yes they are glued to their phones when at home or with you. Because they are talking to friends but when they are actually with their friends they do put their phones in a pocket or bag and ignore it.

liz70 · 08/08/2018 17:30

"Sorry can I ask what you'd love to do?"

I think it was connected to your user name.

mumprincess12 · 08/08/2018 17:36

I would have been exactly the same if not worse. I have very few and very simple rules but one of the most important is being contactable.

TailEndCharlie · 08/08/2018 17:37

In a week when a 13 year old girl was murdered in broad daylight YANBU.... I understand it may have been an overreaction but embarrassing your kid is practically part of the job description. I am sure you will learn from this but don't feel bad about worrying.

lifechangesforever · 08/08/2018 17:39

Do you reply to every message instantly and answer every call? I know I don't.. sometimes you're lucky if I reply a week later!

morningtoncrescent62 · 08/08/2018 18:02

I think you've gone now, OP, but just in case...

I think you over-reacted but not massively, so don't beat yourself up about it. See it as one of those incidents that makes you realise some re-negotiation is necessary. Have a chat with your DD about keeping in contact and response times so that she knows where you're coming from, and the outcome is ground rules that you both agree are fair. Part of that, I would say, are some mutual expectations. It's one-sided if she gets a response time of, say, two hours, but you're expected to be on the end of the phone to respond to whatever she wants instantly, all the time. I'm not saying your DD expects this, but I know mine did at that age! Obviously if there's an emergency you'll want and need to respond straight away, but otherwise, you're not constantly on tap for her any more than she is to you. It works both ways, and learning that is an important part of growing up, just as important as becoming independent.

Goth237 · 08/08/2018 18:37

I completely DISAGREE with basically everyone on here. She is 13 years old and for you to not know where she is and her not to be checking her phone is unacceptable. She's a very young girl and you need to know where she is. Anything can happen with young children and they think they're invincible. You were not being unreasonable at all!

BertrandRussell · 08/08/2018 18:54

She's 13- that's not a young child. She didn't not reply-she just didn't reply quickly enough- 30 minutes is a very quick turn around. And "anything" can't happen in broad daylight in a town centre with friends. And the OP did know where she was, or she wiuldnNr have been able to collect her.

diddl · 08/08/2018 19:25

It does all seem a great fuss considering the plan was to be collecting her in 30mins!

SendYouUpInFlames · 08/08/2018 19:43

She she couldn't click on its a song eh 😂

SendYouUpInFlames · 08/08/2018 19:44

Good one though!!😂🤪

Layla8 · 08/08/2018 19:49

FFS ! How did we all stay alive before mobile phones ?

BlackType · 08/08/2018 20:03

Just thinking about exactly that, Layla. I think one big difference is that a lot of us had mums who were at home, so we could come and go as we liked, knowing for an absolute fact that Mum would always be at home.

I need to contact my DC because I am a divorced working mother (none of the above is my choice). My job involves sudden work and weird hours. I need to be able to contact my DC to tell them what's going on. This wouldn't have happened in the 70s, other than in relatively unusual cases. If I were still a SAHM (which I was for 15 years), I would not need to do this. Given that I do, I want them to acknowledge what the arrangements are.

It isn't just technology that has changed!

Coffeeandcrochet · 08/08/2018 20:06

My Mum was like this when we were teenagers, even when I was at university. My sibling rebelled massively and ended up in all kinds of shit, while I remain a massive ball of anxiety. I'm not having a go at you OP, but being anxious and overprotective can have unintended consequences. I love my Mum, but I wish she had handled her issues better and not passed them to us.

madeyemoodysmum · 08/08/2018 20:17

This has happened to me too. I know it's hard but it is very worrying at the time and I get very angry too.

They just don't get how it feels for us.

My dd is 12 & 1/2 and never answers her phone if her mates are there. It's so annoying and worrying

Debfronut · 08/08/2018 20:23

Oh dear. An apology from you is due. If you have asked her to specifically have her phone in her hand and answer as soon as you ring that is fair enough but I doubt you said that. I regularly do not hear my phone in my bag. She must feel embarrassed and humiliated that her mum basically looks like a bit of a nutter in front of her friends and unfair to boot. Please do as you would do with an adult if you overreact and apologise. Its a good opportunity to admit you were scared and therefore overreacted but also you were wrong to do so. Parents are not perfect and you made a mistake in the way you handled it.

BrokenWing · 08/08/2018 20:31

@EuphoricNight

'but expecting them to constantly monitor their phone while out and not due home yet just incase you are worried is unfair'

Have you every seen groups of teens out. They do 'constantly monitor their phones' .
The op wasn't constantly contacting her she texted, she rang and got no response. I'd have been annoyed to.

Yes I see a lot of teens out and while some will a lot don't, I can say my ds(14) and most of his friends do not constantly monitor their phones when out, they are too busy cycling, climbing fences and playing footie etc. I have seen them together in groups and they rarely have their phones out because there is no need to snapchat each other when they are together and they have no interest in game playing on their phones when out. They do have their phones out when in my car, or at home, but not when out.

And it seems the OP dd is the same as OP says her phone was put away in her friends bag for safe keeping while they played. There is no suggestion the OP thinks her dd is lying so she must have not been constantly monitoring her phone. It is a good thing she isn't attached to the phone while out and is enjoying being with her friends instead, asking her to interrupt her play to check her phone every few minutes specifically for the occasional time her mum might text or phone is unfair on the child.

BlueberryPud · 08/08/2018 21:12

As a 13 year old, I certainly didn’t have to check in all the time with my parents

Heh. As a 13 year old in the school holidays, way before mobile phones were even on the close horizon, I would be out from 9am till dusk, in town and out and about with my friends. I even had a Saturday job in a café at 13, which was probably illegal, as you had to be 14 in those days, to work in an official capacity. At 14 I worked as a Saturday girl in Woolworth's, and met my friends afterwards to socialise. My brothers had paper rounds at 6am on their bikes, aged 12 onwards.
Nobody had mobiles to let their parents know what they were doing, or for parents to check up on them. At 15 you held down a full time job, and you were considered a very near grown up.

These days though, a 13 year old is socially immature compared to their grandparents, and I think this isn't helped by the fact that technology allows parents to be always 'watching them'. They don't develop, or are not allowed to develop, any autonomy or responsibility for themselves.

The only tabs my parents had on me, was that if I wasn't home by 10pm, then, and only then, should they start to be concerned.
The mindset in those days was so different that it's impossible to explain in this immediate WhatsApp world. Mobile phones simply didn't exist. You just had to trust that your kid was ok. You really did.
Either that, or never let them out at all. And by the same token, kids were more responsible and thoughtful. I knew if I wasn't home by 10pm then my mother would be beside herself. So I always made sure I was home before that. People were in general more mature.
Even 13 year olds.

Ethylred · 08/08/2018 21:25

YABU and hideously embarrassing.
To me. God knows how your daughter feels.

fieryginger · 08/08/2018 21:28

I'd have felt the same as you op. It can escalate from mild concern to borderline panic quickly.

WhoWants2Know · 08/08/2018 21:29

I'd have probably reacted the same.

BlueberryPud · 08/08/2018 21:30

And yes. You really did monumentally over-react.

Bezm · 08/08/2018 21:33

I would have done exactly the same as you, and she would have been grounded for a couple of days to make sure she didn't do that again. There's no way on earth that she put her phone in her fopriends bag and didn't hear it!