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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you ever regret having had children?

216 replies

Snomade · 06/08/2018 22:05

Apologies for the thread title. I'm not sure how to say this.
I am late thirties so, if I am going to have children, it would be soon I suppose.
However, I have a horrible anxiety that I would not enjoy it and that I would regret it. So I haven't, but I do worry that I may regret it if I don't.
No one really admits to this in real life so its difficult to talk about, but from the outside, some parents that I know, do seem very unhappy.
It is such a monumental decision. I admire people that just know that they want to be parents. I kind of wish I feel like that.

OP posts:
Faster · 06/08/2018 22:07

Honestly yeah sometimes. I wouldn’t wish DS away, he’s frigging amazing and I love him fiercely. But it’s hard work. PND drove me close to ending it all.

PaulRuddislush · 06/08/2018 22:08

No, never.

FrozenMargarita17 · 06/08/2018 22:08

I was about to come on and basically type what PP said except I have a dd.

Believeitornot · 06/08/2018 22:10

No. It has been hard but to not wish to be a parent would, to me, mean wishing that my children didn’t exist. I suffered from really bad mental health issues when they were younger and it’s made me reflect long and hard on how my Mum parented us (I feel sadness mainly). It also brought up some demons.

Being a parent has made me realise I need to sort out those demons.

Original poster
Snomade · 06/08/2018 22:10

Thank you, Faster. I really appreciate your honesty. I'm so sorry to hear that you have been dealing with PND. Do you have support around you?

OP posts:
niceupthedance · 06/08/2018 22:11

Yes I have done and if I had my life again I probably wouldn't have children

Rosie342 · 06/08/2018 22:14

No but I have thought about what my life would be like if I waited longer. Sometimes I wish I could have had a bit more me time, time to get to know myself better before children. I had my eldest at 19 second at 24 and I'm I'm having my third at 27. I don't think anyone enjoys all aspects of parenting, it's hard but I do love it after the bad parts fade and they do always.

Metoodear · 06/08/2018 22:15

I do sadly if I had my time again I wouldn’t it’s a huge stress all 3 have sn

And my husband can be a arse hole

Furrydogmum · 06/08/2018 22:16

My dh didn't want dogs so we had children, then he agreed to a dog - now have 3 dogs and 2 children and I think we both prefer the dogs 😉
Seriously though I adore my boys but wish they had never discovered motorcycles! They are ageing me too quickly!
I also had pnd and it really is the pits, I still suffer from anxiety which I had before the boys anyway..

Arkestra · 06/08/2018 22:17

Having kids has worked out well for us but I absolutely don't think it's the right thing for everyone.

Apart from anything else there's a lot of a risk. I think it's easier to deal with downsides if you go in clear-eyed and ready to take on the risk, rather than feeling like it's something you should try out.

I have many friends who are very happy with choosing to be childless. It's absolutely not a second-class path, and I say that with two children who I love.

The important thing is to pick the right path for you.

VladmirsPoutine · 06/08/2018 22:17

You have, in a round-about way, answered not so much the thread title but rather your own question pertaining to whether or not parenthood is for you. I usually approach life with a bit of a 'fuck it let's just do it and see what happens' mentality but would absolutely not approach parenthood in such a manner.

Hopeandeggs · 06/08/2018 22:17

Yes.
Like Faster I wouldn't be without my dd and love her fiercely.
But honestly if I'd known I would end up a single Mother with health problems and a child with Sen on my own with little support and no financial support I wouldn't have chosen this.

user1469751309 · 06/08/2018 22:18

No it's hard and I'm always exhausted and broke and some of me whishes I had them later - I was 24 when I had my oldest so not very young really but they are wonderful and I love being a mum. I was never maternal when I was younger and I never wanted to have children EVER! But as soon as I fell pregnant it was like a switch went on. I'm still not the most organised mum in the world but I wouldn't swap being a mum for anything.

GrumpyCatwoman · 06/08/2018 22:18

If I went back in time, if I knew it was my DD that I was going to have, I'd definitely have her. If it was just going to be a random child, and not my DD, then I probably wouldn't have had a child. Even though I know I'd have loved any child as much as I love DD.

My DD is amazing, and I cannot wish her out of existence, but parenting has been hard, harder than I ever expected, and I've not really enjoyed quite a bit of it.

Tistheseason17 · 06/08/2018 22:18

No. Never.
They give unconditional love and I have a deep responsibility to prove I deserve it.
Yes, they are hard work sometimes, yes, they are exhausting. But, these little faces were brought into this world by me and I'd never change it.

I would say the biggest responsibility you have is to only have children when you are ready to make sacrifices for them or you will resent them.

Magpiesarehuge · 06/08/2018 22:19

No - i just wish i had started sooner. I have been very very fortunate though. Have friends who have dealt with a lot of heartache.

Original poster
Snomade · 06/08/2018 22:21

Thank you, everyone. It is really helpful to hear of your feelings.
Flowers for anyone who is struggling.

OP posts:
Lynne1Cat · 06/08/2018 22:22

No. I had son 1 when I was 22, son 2 at 24. I'm 59 now, and they're grown men. It was very hard work, and we were always short of money - my husband worked, I stayed at home with the boys.

I envy parents nowadays, as there seems to be more help in some ways - family tax credits, buses where pushchairs can just be wheeled on, pubs where children are welcome (no smoking either, these days), indoor play centres, cheap clothes for children (Asda, Primark etc) and such a lot of choice of clothes.

I've got granddaughters now, and I love taking them for meals in the local, buying lots of clothes from Asda, going to Tumble Town.

Firsttimemum892 · 06/08/2018 22:22

I think if you feel like this then wait abit longer if you are anxious and overwhelmed by the thought of children now then it will hit you like a tonne of bricks once they are born , I was incredibly anxious I couldn’t have visitors or eat for weeks. There are times I think “what have I done” but the joy she brings far outweighs those feelings. Sometimes I look back on my pre baby life with rose tinted specs then I remember how actually I was bored of travelling and going out all the time, I needed something with more meaning I’m so glad I did x

Sunnybeachbabe · 06/08/2018 22:23

Yes, briefly when colleagues talk about weekend plans that involve sleeping until lunchtime then drinking in a sunny beer garden. Or when there's a party I can't go to, or when the sun's hot and I'm playing dinosaur rescue instead of sunbathing. Then she does something amazing and it all fades away.

AdoraBell · 06/08/2018 22:24

No. I have moments when I don’t want a manky teenager with her manky clothes, or a perfectionist teenager. But it’s just that, moments when they aggravate me.

I am sure that they would prefer to have parents who pick up after them and return their freshly laundered clothes, folded perfectly, to their wardrobes whilst sweeping/vacuuming their floors.

sourpatchkid · 06/08/2018 22:24

My son is the best thing that's ever happened to me. But I knew without doubt I wanted him, both me and DH were older and we had done all we wanted to in life. And because of this we are happy to give our everything to him. But my god it takes everything, parent Hood is much more work than I ever thought it would be. I just can't prioritise anything nice for me anymore (2 cuts in nearly 2 years) because your to do list is constantly building because you can't get through it in a way you can before children.

And I'm constantly washing and ironing and cleaning and cooking. I have one child, he's tiny but I feel like 20 grown men moved in the day he was born.

Plus - and this sounds odd, the strength of love is terrifying. I honestly can't describe it, if consumes me.

If you really want to be a mum then do it but if you're not sure I wouldn't bother.

mineofuselessinformation · 06/08/2018 22:25

To echo PP, I would have had children sooner (XH wouldn't let me).
Of my two dcs, one has a potentially life-limiting illness, and the other has a severe disability.
Would I wish them away? No, not for one second. They are the light of my life, and whilst I wish I could take their troubles and make them mine, I love them whole-heartedly.
I think that is the heart of what being a parent is.

JustDoOne · 06/08/2018 22:25

Yes. It's too hard. I have 5 though and 2 of them are teen DD's.

Poptart4 · 06/08/2018 22:26

Personally i dont regret it but i know 3 women who have admitted that if they had their time again then they wouldnt have children.

Their resaons range from struggling financially to loss of freedom to just never really taking to motherhood.

I think alot of people sleep walk into having children because thats what your "supposed" to do. Unfortunately no one can really know if they'll like being a parent until they are one and by then its too late to change your mind.