Do you ever regret having had children?

[Snomade]

Apologies for the thread title. I'm not sure how to say this.
I am late thirties so, if I am going to have children, it would be soon I suppose.
However, I have a horrible anxiety that I would not enjoy it and that I would regret it. So I haven't, but I do worry that I may regret it if I don't.
No one really admits to this in real life so its difficult to talk about, but from the outside, some parents that I know, do seem very unhappy.
It is such a monumental decision. I admire people that just know that they want to be parents. I kind of wish I feel like that.

For us, it was deciding that we would have a happy life with or without children that helped us to make the decision to have them. We didn't have any broodiness or urge to have them at all. It also helped starting late (36) so we had the feeling that we were bored of lazy weeknds, brunch and nights out.
It's been much easier than we expected and we're really enjoying it. Perhaps the key is going in with low expectations?
Doing 50:50 of all parenting, parental leave and housework also really helps. I wouldn't have children with anyone who wasn't up for this.

One thing I would say is even if you regret it doesn’t mean the child would. I mean presumably you have lived a life worth living and don’t wish you were dead or you wouldn’t even be considering this question. So in that case the risk you might regret it is punctuated by the fact your child may well be glad to be alive (ceirtainly if you don’t abuse them and they aren’t suffering from depression - which these days is often treatable).

If you did feel regret about your lost opportunities but your child was happy and excited to be alive how would you feel about that?

No. I didn't ever have a strong urge to be a parent and seeing my DB & SIL bring up 3 boys close in age didn't change my mind. I'm pretty certain I wouldn't have had regrets if I hadn't had a child. We had agreed no IVF etc if didn't happen naturally. However, was lucky to have DS in my late 30's and he is the just the best.

Glad you have found the thread helpful OP

I have found reading the comments fascinating too as there is such a mix - I guess no two persons experience of parenthood are the same .

I have never ever regretted becoming a parent - it's definitely harder than I thought but oh my goodness the love and laughter and pride I have in my life now has improved it beyond what I could have imagined .

What helped me I guess is having an amazing DH who would do anything for us and being relatively sorted with finances and work situations too .

I imagine you may get some bias on here as a lot of people find mumsnet when they are in need of support e.g. MH/PND , disability, relationships, finances , work issues , SEN so you may actually find there are more people cruising through life as a parent in the real world without any major obstacles and no regrets

I have no mh issues, my ds has got no SEN, I have a supportive DP and we are totally financially secure and I still find parenthood a struggle.

I love DS (11) very much,
I don’t regret him but yes I do regret my decision to have a child (IYKWIM)

I never wanted DC’s, but was swayed by my peers all having children, we were married and were constantly being encouraged to have children, we didn’t activity ttc but weren’t bothered by the contraception failure at the time.

But as soon as I found out I was pregnant I knew i wasn’t happy about it.

I can honestly say I have never enjoyed parenting, I love DS and enjoy his company but I don’t enjoy being a parent at all.

I desperately look forward to him becoming independent.

I imagine you may get some bias on here as a lot of people find mumsnet when they are in need of support

Very much the case I think. I used to post loads (under another name) of angst when I was struggling with PND.

Now I’m very happy as a parent I hardly post anything about it.

When it gets tough I sometimes think "wtf have we done?!" But regret? Not at all. We love them dearly and they make our lives so enriched. have just had number 4....ask me again when it gets tricky in a year or so

Sorry Bloodylovepotatoes ( so do I !)
I was aware as typing that there may well be other reasons some people would struggle - perhaps clumsily worded .
I wouldn't say I don't struggle at times either - my DC2 was a shocking sleeper and Mumsnet was a sanity saver then - so I guess was just trying to reflect that those sailing through it might not be on here .
OP asked about regret not struggles - I imagine we all struggle sometimes.

I did when they were babies sometimes. I found that stage very hard. I don't now they are a bit bigger at all.

Tbh, I would say if you aren't sure then don't have them. It is very hard even when you 100% sure.

I think I actually needed to read this thread too OP. When I had ds1 it was everything I'd hoped for and more. Then I had ds2 and I don't think its ever been the same since. My mental health is ruined. I'm fat. I have no patience. I worry about them CONSTANTLY. I have no life or person outside of patenting.

A pp said: No regrets, except ones coming from a place of my own sense of inadequacy

And I think that sums it up perfectly.

I don't regret them, even when I'm questioning my life choice to have not one but two kids, I love them so much it bloody hurts. But I don't enjoy parenthood as much as I'd hoped now and feel stressed constantly. I want to be a good mother but I think with no handbook I feel lost and at the mercy of my own constant criticism.. and sometimes my kids

No idea how to protect them from this horrible world or raise well balanced adults.

If i didn't have them I'd desperatly want them and feel like a big gaping hole in my life- as it did when we struggled to conceive ds2.

No real answer there op. I'd say if I was to write a pro and cons list retrospectively, there would be more cons.. But the pros... sigh, there's no words. It scares me how much I love them.

Yes. Of course there are many lovely, heart-melting moments, but also so much daily stress and trudgery that I sometimes just want it all to go away. With hindsight, I should have known that I would struggle with motherhood as I’ve never been the most patient person, but naively I thought it can’t be too bad if everyone else is doing it!

It's a slog. The children are wonderful but the parenting is hard going.

Never.
Like you I was in my 30s before I had DS. He was perfect(still is!). I was never particularly maternal but couldn't believe how great it was. He was an easy baby and I stuck to one, perhaps that's why I have no regrets.

Best thing I ever did.

No but have always wanted them , as a child and teen I knew it's what I wanted. I couldn't have imagined not having them by whatever means.

I do think that if everyone made the sensible decision, no one would ever have children. If I were to write a list of the pros and cons, the cons would be a much longer list! So, it isn't a decision that anyone (I think) makes from a wholly rational point of view.

That said, I bloody love being a mother. I adore having children (babies are cute but dull, children are ace) and I have so much fun with them and wish I had more time with them (school is annoying). I'm pregnant with number four and would consider another one after this one.

If you're on the fence then I wouldn't.

I often regret it, having her damaged my relationship with my husband, my mental health, and my body. I often thought about killing myself in the first 8 weeks and still do now sometimes.

The problem with being an older mother is you had all those years to yourself and a child can be a huge shock to your life.

People say they can't imagine their lives without their kids, well I certainly can as I had almost 40 without one.

I would say, having one is MUCH easier than 2 and I wouldn't worry about the only child doom mongerers. With one the adults outnumber the chn and you tend to fit the child into your life, with 2+ that changes a lot.My sister was never maternal, only wanted animals but got pregnant accidentally but happily. she was a great mum, didn't do the typical mummy thing, no mums n tots etc just took her everywhere. She was never spoilt, only with affection, was a very sociable child, did well at school and was happy and is a wonderful 31 year old now. She still says she never wished for a sibling.

I’ve posted this on other threads but I certainly don’t find parenthood “rewarding” or “fulfilling” that many people seem to. I love my kids but I certainly don’t see what’s “fulfilling” about parenthood.

Never. I wish I had been able to have more.

Baked Can only speak for me but I feel fulfilled because it was a maternal desire that's been fulfilled. Rewarding isn't a word I would use. but I guess I felt I had a lot of love to give and am caring in nature so felt very natural. Now mine are teens I find it harder as they don't need too much hands on love, learning all the time.

I’ve often regretted not stopping at one. I adored being a mother to one. I won’t go into much more depth in case I start crying at work, but it’s a struggle a lot of the time now.

We have one and like many others have said: now he is here, and is such a gorgeous, lovable little boy, I am very glad he is in our life. I would say most of the time I reflect on how lucky I am that he is here, and more importantly healthy and happy, and I have no real regret. Maybe that would be different if he had been born with serious disabilities? A PPs point on this really struck me, as I don't think I did go into parenthood with an acceptance of what it could actually mean, if that were to happen. Maybe worth considering?

Even with a healthy happy baby it is relentless though. I had a very rough time with pnd and a non sleeping baby, and I often thought why oh why did I do this?! I now work full time too and feel like it is such a balancing act. If I let one tiny thing slip I think everything would come crashing down. I am far more serious about life, finances and planning for the future, as I want to do the right thing by him. I often think, why didn't I enjoy more the absolute peace of mind that I had in comparison before I was a parent? And save a lot more!

I also do feel inadequate a lot, like I do not really deserve him, he is so innocent and lovely. I think that just because you have a child you do not suddenly become a 'sorted' adult. I look at my parents 'failings' quite differently now. All in all a very odd mix of emotions! And a rambling answer to what is clearly a very difficult question!

You are very likely to love your child immeasurably and therefore not actually regret it, as once they are here you can't really look at it objectively. For us it came down to whether we could decide NOT to do it and move on happily without any nagging what ifs? The answer was no and so we took the plunge.

We now know what we know and given how utterly life changing it is, our decision is to stick with one, for many reasons, but mainly why rock the boat again and risk difficulties we cannot even imagine?

I think you sound a lot like I was, and honestly I can now definitely see that not having children is just as valid a decision, and could lead to a very happy and fulfilled life. If I were you I would try and see where you fit in the range of replies here.

Your partners view is also absolutely crucial, I would say if you are going into it with a plan to do a 50-50 split of parenting and household management then you have a good shot at being happy with your decision. If you are unsure AND your partner is also not convinced, it could lead to a lot of regret.

Good luck with your decision. For us, it really was not easy.

No regrets here. I love being part of a bigger unit, interacting with older children is great, littlies are cute but tiring.

I have an interesting career and good friends, though, and family support, so in some ways it's not surprising that I've enjoyed the experience a lot more than some without those things.

No. For me It's not as hard as it is amazing and so overall it's just amazing.