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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you ever regret having had children?

216 replies

Snomade · 06/08/2018 22:05

Apologies for the thread title. I'm not sure how to say this.
I am late thirties so, if I am going to have children, it would be soon I suppose.
However, I have a horrible anxiety that I would not enjoy it and that I would regret it. So I haven't, but I do worry that I may regret it if I don't.
No one really admits to this in real life so its difficult to talk about, but from the outside, some parents that I know, do seem very unhappy.
It is such a monumental decision. I admire people that just know that they want to be parents. I kind of wish I feel like that.

OP posts:
PrincessDaff · 07/08/2018 13:06

I definitely have the omg what did I do moments with my ds. I really underestimated how hard being a parent is and our ds was very much planned and wanted. He is however only 14 months but is the worst sleeper ever so it has been hell but I know that it will get better eventually. I would never regret him though, I love him more than anything and as soon as he smiles at me it makes everything worth it.

That being said we have made the decision to stop at him as I don't think we could make it through another child if they were to not sleep like ds.

Minimamame · 07/08/2018 13:07

No I don't regret having children but it is the hardest job I've ever had. It's never-ending exhaustion and worry and I feel like I'm constantly running on empty. But I can't imagine life without them. I do regret my choice of dh however but that's a whole other thread I think!

Moneypenny007 · 07/08/2018 13:16

Yes.
More the timing than the kids.
I got pregnant at college and had him. It seriously restricted me and my career. I'm catching up now but I'm 10 years behind my college friends.
The recession had hit when I finished college and we struggled with work.
I eventually got a job in my chosen field, got married and had another... only for an awful pregnancy that meant I couldn't go back to that company.
I am now back working but don't know do I want to sacrifice everything again for another kid. Yet I'm broody as anything.
I know I'm lucky to have 2 healthy kids and a roof over our heads.
I just would have like to have experienced more before settling down.

Donthugmeimscared · 07/08/2018 14:21

If I'm honest then yes I do regret it but I never really wanted kids in the first place. I just felt bad denying my ex that. Don't get me wrong I love my children and wouldn't change them but I definetly had them for the wrong reasons and now I'm a single mum without a second to myself working a min wage job it's not exactly great.

RedTulip86 · 07/08/2018 14:42

No. One with ASD which made family life a bit complicated but both are absolutely awesome. Would love a third but too old, too skint and too knackered. Love them to the moon and back

Failingat40 · 07/08/2018 14:49

100% yes. That is all.

SlothSlothSloth · 07/08/2018 15:03

OP I’m so glad you made this post. I am in very much the same position. Late thirties and continually going back on forth on this - for more than a decade now. I think the poster who was so harsh to you has no idea of the torture of being completely undecided on this at the moment your window is closing. I get the sense you just want someone to tell you yes or no. To take it out of your hands.That’s what I want too, but of course it’s impossible.

For me, I have no desire to have a baby at all. Babies aren’t especially interesting to me. If I’m honest, it’s mostly the fear of regretting missing my chance that’s preventing me from making up my mind definitely no. I’m so burningly envious of men, who can simply wait and see how they feel in five, ten, twenty years’ time.

I have a DSS just entering his teens so I’m not totally naive about parenting, but he’s mostly at his mum’s so I haven’t experienced that complete loss of alone time. He also came into my life at an age where he could manage most of his own day-to-day tasks.

Very interesting range of experiences here. Many posters here talk about the strength of love. I actually find this offputting in some way I can’t describe. It doesn’t sound like something I would choose; rather, something people can’t do without once they’ve experienced it. I think that’s different.

Theycouldhavechoseneve · 07/08/2018 15:33

I got pregnant by accident and have never regretted it but would never have had a child otherwise. I find the worry overwhelming.

SilageMarner · 07/08/2018 15:51

Not for a second. And I was older when I had mine. It’s hard work but they are my world.

However - there is no question but that MY life is not what it was. I’ve gone from being out every night to hardly ever going out; to spending what I wanted to counting every penny; from being spontaneous about holidays and weekends away to planning everything; the cleaning; the cooking; the washing... and that’s before you get to the intense 110% that is parenting an actual child!

You have to be honest with yourself about whether you are ready to put someone else first, all the time - there is nothing wrong with you if the answer to to that question is no!

Cuppaorwine · 07/08/2018 16:00

No and we have 5 but op unless you are totally sure don’t. Too many women feel pressured to.

tierraJ · 07/08/2018 16:57

I totally get it.

I'm 41, no dc & running out of time & always wanted a child desperately but due to being mentally ill haven't had one.

I have schizo affective disorder & if I was to ttc I would have to stay on my meds which the psychiatrist can't guarantee wouldn't harm the baby.

I'm at high risk of pre & post natal depression & Psychosis.

I'm not in a relationship & I know I couldn't cope alone with a child - some days I can't even care for myself - I'm poor financially also & don't have any family support.

My only 'hope' of a child would be to be in a good relationship but I hate dating it makes me feel ill.

Yet when I see a baby I feel so broody & I think I will deeply regret not having one but then I look at one of my friends who's finding having a child very hard and I think what if I find it impossible to cope with a child?

So I understand where you are coming from it's a hard choice to make.

Scifi101 · 07/08/2018 17:22

@LeighaJ

People who have had really difficult toddlers and babies seem to have that seared into their memory for ever! The first couple of years can feel hard but in reality it's a short period of time.

No the op isn't going to give birth to an adult but they will give birth to a baby who becomes a toddler, child, pre teen, teen and adult.

If you'd ask me before my child got to 16 if I regretted having them I would have said no. 16-18 has taught me otherwise.

@hipposarerad I could have written an identical post.

Cherubfish · 07/08/2018 17:35

I definitely don't regret having children. I always knew I wanted to be a mum so I never had any doubts to overcome.

hipposarerad · 07/08/2018 17:45

@Scifi101 I hope things will improve for both of us.

Nuffaluff · 07/08/2018 17:47

Being a mum is hard work. I could do with a bit more time alone and more time with DH for dates.
When it’s bad, it’s very bad and I just want to scream and escape to a desert island.
But I was absolutely sure that I wanted kids and I love them so much. It’s the little things that make it worthwhile like sharing a joke with DS 1 or cuddling DS 2.
If I hadn’t been able to have them I know I would be very unhappy.

sagasleathertrousers · 07/08/2018 17:50

The love is the most difficult thing to deal with. And the fear that goes alongside it. If something happened to my daughter I know I would have nothing left to live for. So suddenly your life depends on keeping them safer and you can't always do that - there are no guarantees. I think it's probably ruined my life in a way but I was a very anxious person before I had her so I don't think that has helped.

Original poster
Snomade · 07/08/2018 18:10

I'm so thankful to everyone who has shared their thoughts and feelings here, and very grateful for the advice.

I am quite anxious in general, so the idea of that becoming even worse, as some posters have experienced, is something I need to seriously consider. I also have no family support as they live abroad.

Sloth, I think you understand how I'm feeling. Its difficult to think straight when you feel like you're running out of time. But it's such a huge decision that shouldn't be rushed and will change your entire life, and the life of your potential child too. Either way, there could be regret.

To all the posters who have expressed regret, I just wanted to say thank you for your honesty, and I hope you know that there is no judgement here, just compassion.

OP posts:
Patienceisvirtuous · 07/08/2018 18:16

@sagas I feel exactly the same as you.

DS is our long-awaited, beautiful boy - but I am consumed with worry about him all the time. It’s exhausting :(

I had bad anxiety before him - now it’s magnified exponentially!

PepperSteaks · 07/08/2018 18:38

I don’t regret DD in the slightest. She is the light of my life. However I always feel like she was thrust upon me as I didn’t find out I was pregnant till I was very far on which I felt took away some of the decision. I felt in shock for my whole pregnancy (which was a bit of a horror show) and for months after she was born. Sometimes I think I wish it hadn’t happened how it happened but it did and she’s my utter treasure. However I never ever ever want another one.

geekone · 07/08/2018 18:44

Never never never. I can’t even imagine what it would be like. I have one DS and he and DH and DDog (who I regret buying when letting him out for a pee EVERY morning at 7.30 Grin) are everything. I like my job and have a reasonable but nothing is as fulfilling as motherhood. it’s going to be shitty when he’s older and leaves us

Oysterbabe · 07/08/2018 18:44

The anxiety is definitely hard. I don't suffer from it but am acutely aware that if anything happened to either of my children it would destroy me. It's like your heart is now wandering around separate to your body.

ToeToToe · 07/08/2018 20:22

It's like your heart is now wandering around separate to your body.

It really is.

And it gets worse, imo, as they get older. You can scoop a toddler up to keep them out of harms way, you watch them all the time - but then teen is travelling to school on his own, off out with friends...and you just have to trust they can fend for themselves.

I think the anxiety is caused by the incredible amount of love you have for them. Can't imagine life without them though - my life is richer for having them.

SlothSlothSloth · 07/08/2018 20:54

But it's such a huge decision that shouldn't be rushed and will change your entire life, and the life of your potential child too. Either way, there could be regret.

Yes, exactly. If it was a decision that only affected me I would be much more willing to just give it a go. But the idea that I could potentially create another life out of curiosity or fear of regret, just to mess it up, is terrifying.

I think making your peace with not having children does very often mean resigning yourself to some degree of regret and “what if” for the rest of your life. I need to decide if I can handle that.

You sound very thoughtful, OP. I wish there was an easy answer!

Very grateful to all who have posted. Every post is really interesting.

SlothSlothSloth · 07/08/2018 20:54

Also, endless Flowers to those who are struggling, for whatever reason.

allflownthenest · 07/08/2018 20:59

No. Times can be hard but no. They are amazing people