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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you ever regret having had children?

216 replies

Snomade · 06/08/2018 22:05

Apologies for the thread title. I'm not sure how to say this.
I am late thirties so, if I am going to have children, it would be soon I suppose.
However, I have a horrible anxiety that I would not enjoy it and that I would regret it. So I haven't, but I do worry that I may regret it if I don't.
No one really admits to this in real life so its difficult to talk about, but from the outside, some parents that I know, do seem very unhappy.
It is such a monumental decision. I admire people that just know that they want to be parents. I kind of wish I feel like that.

OP posts:
Summersup · 07/08/2018 11:09

Also, I had the right number of children for me. I knew I would find it hard to parent a more demanding child/one with disabilities or life-changing issues (from birth, you can't tell what will happen), so I didn't have a third as I knew that me enjoying my career would go out of the window as has happened with some of my friends. I wouldn't want to stay at home all the time, and being a carer is incredibly challenging and if that were my choice, I would (and did) go with a no.

nellierose · 07/08/2018 11:10

No but I regret having them so young

Rebecca36 · 07/08/2018 11:12

I am glad to be a mother and know my husband loves being a dad.
When I've felt depressed here and there I've thought I wished I hadn't bothered but it doesn't last long.

Most people have misgivings unless they are completely thoughtless but generally when the little 'un arrives, it fills you with so much love those misgivings disappear.

HollyGibney · 07/08/2018 11:14

No, never.

It's not easy, that's for sure and I get stressed and down sometimes but not towards them, only towards their deadbeat dad and family members that made it all so much harder than it needed to be - both my children have additional needs. But my kids themselves are the absolute best thing that ever happened to me.

MistyMistiness · 07/08/2018 11:16

No. I have never wished I didn't have kids. They have added so much to mine, my dh's and our families lives. However, it is hard work and I am very tired much of the time at the moment because my children do everything at 100mph. Today I wish I could hide in the wardrobe and fall asleep for a few hours because I'm that shattered. So to sum up, no I don't regret having them, but I would love to palm them off for the day so I can catch up on sleep 😄

Scifi101 · 07/08/2018 11:17

I always think when these type of threads are posted that the op would be better off asking people who have raised children and now have adults.

Replies from people who have toddlers and babies really have been parents for so little time!

Hillarious · 07/08/2018 11:23

Thinking of Sharon further down post and her 11 kids.

Overheard outside school a few years ago, one mum to another - "Babies, I love 'em. It's just kids I can't stand."

Never regretted mine, but as I can't really do anything to change the situation, it's not a train of thought I tend to follow. They don't make for an easy life, but they make for a lovely, interesting, rewarding life.

BellaVida · 07/08/2018 11:26

I never thought about having children. I was still really freaked out when I was pregnant with DC1, as I just couldn't see myself as a parent.

I now have 4 DC and I don't regret it. What bothered me more was the snide comments from male work colleagues questioning how I could possibly carry on working each time and do my job with children 😡

peachgreen · 07/08/2018 11:27

@Scifi101 I totally agree. Each stage brings unique rewards and challenges.

jarhead123 · 07/08/2018 11:28

No not now, but I imagine there were points early on where I would have said yes

NataliaOsipova · 07/08/2018 11:30

Never - I have loved having my two. Still don't like other people's children though!

MotherofPearl · 07/08/2018 11:37

This is a tricky question to answer because I think the response is partly determined by what stage you're at.

There's no doubt that parenting young children is damn hard work, and I'm sure teenagers bring lots of challenges too (we're not at that stage yet). But I see friends and family with teens and older children who seem very happy, and while I do struggle with the difficulties of parenting, I am so glad I have my DC. I feel like as I get older I will be increasingly glad of the sacrifices I've made while they've been little, to have 3 (hopefully!) interesting and lovely grown-up children in my life (not that I'm wishing away their childhoods!).

sticks2 · 07/08/2018 11:38

Yes. I wanted children desperately but they have such severe mental/physical health problems, they have no quality of life and both are suicidal. To watch them suffer day after day, is unbearable.

Namechangemum100 · 07/08/2018 11:41

I don't regret it for a second, but I do find it incredibly hard. You don't have to be one or the other, it's possible to adore your children but not enjoy motherhood.

MotherofPearl · 07/08/2018 11:41

Sticks Thanks
Sorry, cross posted with you. My post sounds horribly insensitive now - sorry.

holidaycountdown54321 · 07/08/2018 11:43

I have never regretted having children, but then again it's something I've always wanted even from being very young. It's the hardest thing I've ever done in many ways, far harder than I think I imagined. I think the cute baby pictures and nice Facebook statuses have a lot to answer for! Having children has put a lot of strain on my relationship with my husband, we did have 2 children within 18 months and the youngest has only just turned 1 so we are very much in the thick of it. The kids demand all of our time and it leaves very little time as a couple. My youngest would never accept a bottle, he still won't and won't settle at night without being by my side. We haven't had a meal out together alone in nearly 2 years!!

But having said all that I have no regrets at all, the love I feel for them is indescribable, I couldn't imagine our lives without them.

What I do regret though is not taking more adult only holidays and enjoying our time as a couple more before we had kids. I had my first child at 32, we'd spent quite a few years saving hard for a house and a wedding so we didn't go abroad on holiday for a few years. I travelled the world in my early 20s for over a year (we broke up for a while), so I have seen and done lots I just think we missed out on a lot of nice couples holidays. We bought a nice house and had a big wedding though, I guess you can't have everything.

I'd only have kids if you really wanted them, the shitty bits probably do outweigh the good bits in reality. I'm mid 30s and my friends who don't have kids seem to have amazing lives, far more money, fantastic holidays, nicer cars etc etc.

sticks2 · 07/08/2018 11:51

MotherofPearl
Not insensitive at all. I'm happy to see well adjusted children and proud, loving parents. And there are difficulties at every stage of growing up.

PurpleTrilby · 07/08/2018 11:51

I'm child free. You may well not regret NOT having them, if that makes sense. I certainly don't. In my 20s I got a bit broody, but knew I was absolutely in the wrong place to have a baby. I also grew up pretty poor and I knew from my parents - who were simply honest about it, not resentful or blaming in the least - that kids cost money and I didn't ever want to be that poor again. I also met a man who didn't want them, so had to really think hard about it at that point, we're still together and very happy. That's when I knew I didn't want them enough to do it at all, or I would have left him.

MotherofPearl · 07/08/2018 11:56

I'd only have kids if you really wanted them, the shitty bits probably do outweigh the good bits in reality.

I guess what I'm wondering is whether people feel this is true overall - ie in the long run - or just while they are little and very demanding of parents' time, energy and resources?

Tomatoesrock · 07/08/2018 12:02

Yes at times it is relentless and I often remind my Dnieces & nephews there is more to life than DC. I love my DC dearly I do everything for them, there are definitely times I wonder how life could have been and I envy some friends that made the decision not too.

Oblomov18 · 07/08/2018 12:20

I probably wouldn't. My mum made it look so easy. Ds1 has Sn and is very difficult. He has bought me to my knees and I have sobbed, many times. Ds2 is easy.
I think I would have enjoyed life more if Dh and I had stayed as we were, just spent time together, as a couple.
So with hindsight, especially given that most of the mums on MN, as on this thread, wanted it really badly, and it was all they ever wanted, and I'm certainly not like that, that I guess, with hindsight, I probably shouldn't have had children.
Oh well. done now!!

hipposarerad · 07/08/2018 12:21

If I'd known that my decision to have kids would ruin both my life and theirs then I wouldn't have bothered. SEND with no support from family or services (which don't seem to exist around here), very short school timetable leaving me unavailable for work so I can't even begin to try to drag us up a rung or two. Skint, lonely, and totally fucked.
If you have family who care about you and are well qualified/experienced in your role you might be able to ride whatever waves your decision sends your way.
I was very naive - I thought women could choose to work/SAH and then choose differently as necessary. I didn't realise that once I became a SAHM I'd be stuck there for fucking eternity.

If you do decide to have children, then you for fuck's sake stay in work.

birthdaygirls · 07/08/2018 12:43

We had children later than average and, when childless, a few people with children admitted to me that they had regrets. I’ve read similar on here before, that childless people are confided in because presumably there is no oneupmanship or gloating from parents who don’t, or don’t admit, they have regrets.

Interestingly, every one of these people (with regrets) were academics. Probably because I was working in a uni and I knew a lot of academics lol! but I always wondered whether there was a link between career and parenthood regrets... or maybe the link is honesty or rationale?

LeighaJ · 07/08/2018 12:59

"I always think when these type of threads are posted that the op would be better off asking people who have raised children and now have adults.

Replies from people who have toddlers and babies really have been parents for so little time!"

Well the OP isn't going to give birth to an adult so the opinions of people with babies and toddlers are relevant. Also I think with decades having passed many people with adult children have forgotten just how hard it can be with little ones.

Postblog · 07/08/2018 13:05

My mum raised four kids on her own and now we have all grown up and buggered off and she's still slaving away trying to pay the mortgage I expect she's feeling pretty hard done by tbh!!