Do you ever regret having had children?

[Snomade]

Apologies for the thread title. I'm not sure how to say this.
I am late thirties so, if I am going to have children, it would be soon I suppose.
However, I have a horrible anxiety that I would not enjoy it and that I would regret it. So I haven't, but I do worry that I may regret it if I don't.
No one really admits to this in real life so its difficult to talk about, but from the outside, some parents that I know, do seem very unhappy.
It is such a monumental decision. I admire people that just know that they want to be parents. I kind of wish I feel like that.

I think so much depends on the circumstances - someone who has a baby unexpectedly at 17 is going to have a very different experience to someone who chose to try for a baby in their 30s, for example.

I didn’t think I could have kids and honestly the thought of having them scared me to death. I went back and forth on it for years and just wasn’t sure. When my mum died I realised I was being ridiculous and letting fear get in the way of getting on with my life.

We very unexpectedly had twins and my god is it hard work. We have no family around to help, one has some health issues and some days are super tough. I wouldn’t change it for anything though.

Same as Faster I had bad pnd but worth it all now

I love DD. DH would never have had kids, I think she is worth it. We didn’t have more. It is tough being a parent - I find the loss of freedom hard.

It's returned to you more quickly than you'd ever imagine. Mine are 12 and 16 and I miss having young children so, so much. I love that I can do basically whatever I want (my 12 year old is super-independent and is off to boarding school next year in any case) but I do find myself at a bit of a loose end.

No I have never regretted having children, it is one of the best and most rewarding things I’ve done. However it is certainly tough!! The first year in particular I found incredibly hard but it gets easier

I did not want children, and I took the plunge and was very worried not only about my ability to be a good mother (I am a free spirit by nature) and whether I could do it for all of those years, continue to love and look after them.

I should not have worried. My children have given my life such meaning, drive, energy and the realisation that I never knew unconditional love before I had them. They are the light of my life, my greatest achievement and the reason I feel happy and live well now.

If I had my life again I would have children earlier, and would have one more.

I regretted DS for the first year due to PND, colic and reflux. He is now 2.5 and I love being a mum, it is the best thing I have ever done. The worry is not to be taken lightly though, fear of something happening to DS often keeps me awake at night.

I would do it again, in my 30s with 2 small DC but it’s so, so, so much harder then I expected. DH & I really struggled going from 1 to 2 particularly as 1 was a very easy baby. The thought of anything happening to them would destroy me so maybe a regret from that point of view.

I will say I think many people underestimate how hard children are & the strain they put on a relationship/marriage. So many of my friends are splitting up. I didn’t realise how sexist the world was until I became a mother.

No, never. I have one DS 2.5 and another on the way in the new year. It is absolutely a massive shock when they're first born and you suddenly have that feeling of overwhelming responsibility, but you get used to that.

I loved my pre-DC life (was 27 when he was born) but honestly DH and I are always saying if we didn't have DS now, we'd honestly be bored. And we've always had a lovely life together!

I think a lot of it is to do with the child though, and the support you get. DS is delightful and has always been a dream sleeper, well-behaved etc. We have both sets of grandparents nearby who are young enough to offer to babysit a lot/have days of childcare when we're in work.

I expect a culture shock when number 2 arrives!

No, but I only have one and think that's probably the right number for me

I could never wish my children away. It would break me if anything happened to them. BUT. it's bloody hard. Before my first, I was never a maternal person. I'd almost recoil at other people's children. Never knew what to do. Now I have two. Some days it's happy and smiles, some days I quite literally hide under my duvet and cry because I don't think I can do it anymore. It's relentless. I don't think you necessarily have to be maternal to have children, but once you decide to have them, you have to accept whatever life, and them, will throw at you.

Honestly, I'm never sure this question is helpful. Nobody knows what their life would look like if they had chosen a different path - it could have been better, it could have been worse. Who knows.

I will say that I found the first 3 months of parenting my DD almost unbearable, but now I can't imagine life without her. It feels like it would be completely empty. What the experience has taught me is that nothing is permanent, good or bad, and I didn't have a baby for the experience of having a baby - I had one because I wanted to have a child and experience every stage that goes along with that. I like to think that one day in the future when I'm having coffee with my grown up daughter, I'll feel it was all worth it, and all the sleepless nights will be a distant memory.

It's harder than you'll ever imagine. But I'm glad I did it.

No. Never. Even when I had severe PND and DS2 was really ill and screamed and never slept, I never wished we hadn't had children, just wished that we weren't in that situation with them. Since he got better, I have never ever looked back. Happiest, best, most rewarding, valuable thing I ever did. I started at 39 btw, so had had plenty of life without children and didn't feel I was missing out on any fun by having them.

My children have given my life such meaning, drive, energy and the realisation that I never knew unconditional love before I had them.

@mineisarossini sums it up there perfectly.

No never regretted it. I have 3 dc including 2 year old twins, so life for me at the moment is quite challenging!

There are days where I wish things could be a bit easier but I'm hoping that will come in time.

No regrets, except ones coming from a place of my own sense of inadequacy (generally, and specifically as their mother). No regrets about having them and their effect on my life. I was never ground down - driven to exhaustion and frustration sometimes, yet - but never ground down by the long sleepless nights (three non-sleepers and night-breastfeeders-well-into-their-second-and-in-one-case-third-year - this one case is nearly 3yo dd who went to sleep last night at a quarter past midnight and was awake again at 7.30). The loss of freedom many people cite never bothered me, but I was never big into nights out or travelling. We go on family holidays and days out and I absolutely love showing my dc the world. Professionally I've worked around them since my first was born 13 years ago, but that's fine - I never wanted the whole 'career ladder' thing and I am successful in a niche area of a profession and have a holy-grail flexible WFH freelance job.

What gets me, as some others, is the fear, the responsibility (trying to get dd through an intense heatwave where we are now), the worry and also the sense that their behaviour reflects on me - my older two haven't always been entirely easy (far from being off the rails, but both have been tricky on and off in their own ways) and it always feels like my fault and I search in my mind for what I've missed.

It's an extremely odd post - approaching whether to have a child or not in same way as say whether to visit a particular holiday destination focussed on your own enjoyment? and treating mumsnet like trip advisor "did everyone else enjoy it?". Suggest you definitely don't have children op.

I don't regret having DS as he is amazing and wonderful and my little best friend - but when he has his bad days, it's hard. Sometimes I'd just like to run out of the house but its nothing a large glass of wine can't fix for me. He's 18 months and still not sleeping through the night - that is an absolute bastard.

I’ve never regretted it. Late thirties is a good time to have them if you’ve experienced everything you’ve wanted to up until then and so don’t feel like they are causing you to miss out of anything. But if you don’t have an overwhelming desire for children by now, perhaps you won’t regret not having then if you decide not to or can’t. For me it wasn’t such a big decision in the end - I was never bothered about having children throughout my twenties and early thirties, but then my biological clock kicked in hard! Good luck whatever you decide :)

I do. Becoming a parent meant saying goodbye to the career I was good at, loved, and had always wanted to do. I hadn’t realised how firmly the door would be shut.

I do. Becoming a parent meant saying goodbye to the career I was good at, loved, and had always wanted to do. I hadn’t realised how firmly the door would be shut.

I’m really interested in an elaboration on this, what career, what specifically shut the door?

I don't regret having them at all but sometimes wish I could have more time away from them. I don't get chance to do what I want to do much these days.
I was 35 and 37 when I had them and had many years of enjoying myself before then. I wouldn't have wanted them any sooner.

I was holding my newborn nephew today and had to cut myself short in the questions I was asking his mum (my SIL). I realised with shock that I was slightly projecting my own regret (I have a 7yo) onto her. You just can lose soooooo much of yourself, and some of that is forever.

It doesn’t happen often that I allow myself to think of the future I would have had if I’d stuck with my child free plan. Regret is probably the wrong word. But if you have a great life, why turn it upside down on purpose? Yes, I gained my darling girl. But I lost my mental health, loads of money, 3/4 of my marriage and the majority of my mojo.

It really can be a very very costly move.

Wow, KERALA, that's a lot of judgement in one comment. You have absolutely no idea why I am asking this or how tortured I am over this question. I don't owe it to the thread to lay my soul bare and frankly, I don't think it would have been helpful initially as it would have affected people's answers to me.

Thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to share their feelings with me. Hearing such a balance of views has been really helpful as I think I had begun worrying that, secretly, most parents feel regret. I've been thinking about why I 2ould come to that conclusion and realised that it probably has a lot to do with my own fathers very obvious regrets over having had me. I don't know why I couldn't see that before, seems like it should have been obvious now.

I’m almost 35 and pregnant with my first OP. I went through exactly the same thoughts and feelings as you and even though we started trying a few years ago I didn’t really feel ‘ready’ at all. I don’t know whether it was my hormones kicking in but a week before I found out I was pregnant I had a chat to DH and realised I finally felt truly ready to have a family. I’ve done a lot in my life, had some amazing experiences and I’m happy with where I am in my career so I feel like this is a great time for us. I’m a bit concerned about being an older parent but many people do it.

I would say if your gut is saying no don’t do it but if there is a slight chance you will regret being childless be careful not to leave it too late.

I regretted it for about 12-18 months but love having a 3 year old. Like others I was very settled in terms of career and things which has helped I think. I’m now agonising over whether to have another.