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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you ever regret having had children?

216 replies

Snomade · 06/08/2018 22:05

Apologies for the thread title. I'm not sure how to say this.
I am late thirties so, if I am going to have children, it would be soon I suppose.
However, I have a horrible anxiety that I would not enjoy it and that I would regret it. So I haven't, but I do worry that I may regret it if I don't.
No one really admits to this in real life so its difficult to talk about, but from the outside, some parents that I know, do seem very unhappy.
It is such a monumental decision. I admire people that just know that they want to be parents. I kind of wish I feel like that.

OP posts:
RedNed · 06/08/2018 22:38

I miss lots about my pre dc days but I would never regret having my dd's. I know 2 is my limit, 1 was easy, but I felt we were missing dd2 and when she arrived I knew that was it.

BakedBeans47 · 06/08/2018 22:38

Honestly? Sometimes, yes. I do love them of course though and would be lost if anything happened to them.

Freezingheart · 06/08/2018 22:39

No never. Best thing I ever did. I’ve never known laughter or love quite like being around them (even when they’re driving me crazy!)

ToeToToe · 06/08/2018 22:39

The love is all-consuming. So is the worry about them - I really do worry. About everything.

The stress of just keeping them alive when they're tiny - and keeping them healthy/happy as they grow older.

The demands on young people now - the pressure of school/exams/social media etc is a major source of stress for me at the moment. The obsession with secondary schools is huge in my area - I don't think it's healthy. But you know - you just deal with it.

But, no - I have never ever regretted having them. I'm responsible for bringing 3 new human beings into the world. They're good people. Caring. Kind. I think I've done ok Smile

SleightOfMind · 06/08/2018 22:40

I enjoy my children, but I was free to choose whether or not to have them.

I’m also lucky enough to have a well paid, flexible job and a very involved DH.
With DS1 I was struggling for work to fit around his needs as a single mother. I’ve seen it from both sides.
It’s not easy and you have to get to a place where you do not resent making sacrifices.

My mother would have relished being child free if she’d been born in my generation and had more autonomy.

Having children has given my life many shades more depth and meaning.

Having children for my mother was misery and drudgery.
I’m so glad we have a choice now but it comes with a weight of responsibility. Only you can decide what would be the right thing for you. Go with your gut OP.

PlaydoughBarbershop · 06/08/2018 22:40

I am 30. Been with Husband for 13 years. 1st was born when I was 21, 2nd when I was 26. Both planned and what I thought I wanted. But honestly, sometimes I feel like I'm screaming and nobody can hear me. I love my children more than anything and I cherish every single hug/kiss/wierd squiggle with cotton wool stuck on from nursery, but half of the time I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel so lonely as Husband works away a lot and they even though I work full time, I feel like even the 4 hours of a night are hard work. Hard to read that back!! I would say trust your instinct but even then it's not guaranteed :(

CardinalCat · 06/08/2018 22:41

No. I can't possibly imagine what my life would have been like without being a mother. I was 40 when I had my dc and had enjoyed two wonderful decades of child-free adult life. Everything is different now, in many ways, but better. I have a dp who is not as supportive as I would like, but it has made me rise to the challenge. It's made me dig deep regarding my career wants and needs, and oddly my success has soared since children- I have a proper and non-material purpose now. Don't get me wrong- I'm fucking exhausted and daydream about weekends lying in bed with a book and no commitments, but even when I do gets some 'me time', I pine slightly.

I have no regrets at all, and I can't wait for the future, whereas I feel I was coasting in the 2nd half of my 30s.

NorthernSpirit · 06/08/2018 22:41

I don’t have children of my own. I do have 2 stepchildren.

I never wanted kids. I’m mid 40ms now and have no regrets. Some might think i’m selfish but I love my way of life. I have a successful career. A successful business. A wounderful partner. I’ve travelled the world. Have wounderful holidays. A great social life. No regrets whatsoever.

MrsSquidney · 06/08/2018 22:42

Not for a second, even through pnd that is only now dissipating 16 months on. He is my everything and I would do anything for him (even when he is a sod Wink)

KERALA1 · 06/08/2018 22:43

No. But I always felt so strongly since I could remember that I wanted children it was visceral and it didn't feel like a choice so I didn't view it in the way you are.

chocatoo · 06/08/2018 22:43

Never, not even for a second.

LeftRightCentre · 06/08/2018 22:44

Yes.

PowerPlayed · 06/08/2018 22:44

No never. Not for a single second.

I've been fortunate that I have a supportive husband and have sustained a successful career. I think my life would be infinitely less rich and interesting without my DC and there'd certainly have been far less love

DramaAlpaca · 06/08/2018 22:45

No I don't ever regret having them, they have enriched my life in so many ways despite it being hard sometimes. They are all in their 20s now.

The only caveat to that is when one of them is unhappy and I can't fix it like I could when they were small. Someone once said that you are only ever as happy as your least happy child, and it's so true.

Tutlefru · 06/08/2018 22:47

Sometimes.

OhHelpNooo · 06/08/2018 22:48

Hmmmm.

I had my first at 40 and my second at 43. I think if I am honest with myself the reasoning was not so much that I desperately wanted children, more that I was not at all ready to decide that I didn't, and my age was not in my favour. And once we had one, what with being older and stuff, and she was such a lovely easy delightful child - well no 2 seemed like the right thing to do.
It is hard. I am not at all a natural at this and I have to try really hard sometimes to put them first and not be selfish and resentful that they take up so much (all!) of my time; and they shout and make a mess and are irrational talk at me ALL THE FUCKING TIME and cost so bloody much !! and really honestly drive me to the edge of my (admittedly not very elastic) tether.
But the upside is so much better than all of that. It is not (for me anyway) all hearts and flowers and awwwww cute lovely children. They are 6 and 3 now and they are bloody lovely human beings with minds and spirit and potential and a sense of fun and humour and god they are bright! and they make me work, and try to be the best I can be (though I constantly feel like I'm failing), they have changed my life and my entire being forever in a way that is impossible to describe if you have not yet been there.

I don't know if it is right for you. It was right for me, in not too dissimilar circumstances. Do remember though - it's totally fine not to. Try to resist the pressure (immense pressure!) of expectation and think about what's right FOR YOU.

MrsDeanWinchester75 · 06/08/2018 22:48

I didn't want kids at all and asked to be sterilised at 21 but then at 34 my Mom had a brain tumour and breast cancer and it was like a switch flicked and I realised how important family was to me and that the thought of not having kids was scarier than having them.

I was still worried I'd be a useless Mum on the day dd1 was born but it was the best decision ever and I'm so glad I changed my mind.
I've now got 2 dd's aged 3 and 5 and am 43 myself and I wouldn't change a thing.

Yes they drive me up the wall at times and my life is much less spontaneous but nothing beats the feeling of 2 little arms around your neck and the total unconditional love they give you.

PlaydoughBarbershop · 06/08/2018 22:48

pterodactyl that is a perfect way to describe how I feel about my children! Thank you for making me feel a little less shit as parent

castasp · 06/08/2018 22:56

No, I don't regret it at all. All through my twenties I vaguely thought I'd like to have kids but 'in a few years time'. I hit 30 and realised that I couldn't keep waiting 'a few years', so even though I didn't really want to have children then, I decided to just get on and do it, before I lost my fertility and regretted it.

It's probably the best life decision I've ever made - I love having kids, and sometimes wished I'd had more, or started earlier. We have 2 DDs and for various reasons (ill all the way through pregnancy, wanted big age gaps, DH not really wanting more etc) stopped at that, but occasionally get broody pangs for more, although it is good having 2. Going on holiday would be a lot more difficult with 3, I think. I do like having a career as well, and I'm pretty sure that would have gone out the window if I'd had more.

Gojira · 06/08/2018 22:56

Yes, I frequently feel regret.

He is amazing, but my god, it's hard. I do everything for him at the expense of my own mental wellbeing. I am exhausted.

I still suffer with depression and anxiety, 4 years on. I hide it well, but it's always there, bubbling away under the surface.

I was never maternal and thought I would regret not doing it. That was pretty much my sole reason for having a child. Really not the best laid plan.

sharongemmacurley · 06/08/2018 23:01

I regret it everyday. I have 11 kids, 7 under 10, and together they're a bleeding nightmare! It's definitely not a decision you should take lightly. I had my first child when I was 14 and haven't really stopped since. Since you're a bit older you might be okay.

missmouse101 · 06/08/2018 23:01

Yes. I can't bear the almighty responsibility and the fact I'm very likely to be buggering 2 lives up. I wish I knew then what I know now. I would stay free as a bird.

gandalf456 · 06/08/2018 23:05

On the whole, no, but I've had my moments and the tiny years were bloody hard. I had zero support, though, and a ot of additional problems - redundancy, family illness, bereavement, possible sn

Chocolate1984 · 06/08/2018 23:06

I don't regret having children but life would be easier without sometimes.

AJPTaylor · 06/08/2018 23:07

Yep. When dds 1 and 2 were 13 and 16 and dd3 was 3.
1 and 2 were in a misery competition. I remember a friday night waiting to pick up dd2 from a party after me working full time all week. At 2.30 she announced she was staying over. Dd3 got up at 5.