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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do you ever regret having had children?

216 replies

Snomade · 06/08/2018 22:05

Apologies for the thread title. I'm not sure how to say this.
I am late thirties so, if I am going to have children, it would be soon I suppose.
However, I have a horrible anxiety that I would not enjoy it and that I would regret it. So I haven't, but I do worry that I may regret it if I don't.
No one really admits to this in real life so its difficult to talk about, but from the outside, some parents that I know, do seem very unhappy.
It is such a monumental decision. I admire people that just know that they want to be parents. I kind of wish I feel like that.

OP posts:
littlemisscomper · 06/08/2018 23:07

Sharon, not wanting to sound like a toxic bitch, but why keep having them if you feel like that? Or were you loving motherhood until you had your last? I know it's none of my business, it just seems awfully sad to regret 11 children.

PlatypusPie · 06/08/2018 23:08

No regret, not for one moment. Had them in my mid and then late thirties - I had reached a very successful level in my job, had some great experiences and was ready. The baby/young years are fairly relentless but also full of pleasure - every time I thought ‘ remember this, these are the golden years’ another, different aspect revealed itself. They are the joy of my life.

snowgirl1 · 06/08/2018 23:08

I wasn't sure I wanted children. It was DH who nudged us into trying because he thought we might regret not trying. Fortunately, despite not being sure, I've never regretted having DD for a moment - she's brought such joy to our lives. I do think it helps that we had really lived our lives before we had her.

I went through a period of wanting another, but now I think having just one works for us - now she's more independent we definitely have more of our lives back. Friends who are have three children are still dealing with nappies and sleepless nights

RedPanda2 · 06/08/2018 23:08

In my opinion you shouldn't have children unless you KNOW you want them. That means being prepared to have a child with special needs, which I personally know I couldn't. Children deserve to be wanted wholeheartedly.

MenaMecca · 06/08/2018 23:12

I'm in that age when it's now or probably never and the main reason I think of having a child is still I might regret it if I don't. Not that I want one, I am yearning for one, but just that - the window is closing.

Peakypush · 06/08/2018 23:13

Yes I have regretted it at times. It's so so much harder than you can ever imagine. Although I do think (hope) that it's the early years of sleep deprivation and having a child follow you every second of the day that makes it so hard, I'm hopeful that I'll find it easier as they get older. I should say I feel this way even though I always really really wanted children and I'm in a good position financially etc. so if I were you op I would think long and hard about doing it if you're not sure!

bourbonbiccy · 06/08/2018 23:15

No I most definitely do not regret it. I was not maternal, we tried for a bit and simply didn't think we could, so planned out our child free life then Bam..I was pregnant..turns out I was maternal but only with my own child, who I love fiercely with every fibre of my being, and when he smiles at me I just melt.

I feel immense pressure to do my best for him, the constant fear of "is he ok because of......" The trepidation of the future, the excitement of the future.

@Tistheseason17, I think the below is one if the most beautiful ways of describing a parent and child. It made me quite emotional...it should be the mantra for parents lol

They give unconditional love and I have a deep responsibility to prove I deserve it

BillywigSting · 06/08/2018 23:17

Not at all and I was dead set against having children (to the point where I had an abortion in my early 20s) but having ds, while exhausting at times, is the most fulfilling thing I've ever done.

It catches me off guard sometimes, that I who has not one maternal bone in her body and still doesn't really like other people's children, love ds quite as much as I do.

He gets better the older he gets too.

But it is like a bomb going off in your life and takes some major adjustment. I found the very sudden and very real lack of freedom incredibly difficult to cope with in the baby and toddler years to the point that it has put me off having more. I am slowly regaining some of that freedom and I don't think my mental health would survive loosing it again. But everyone is different, some people take to having children like a duck to water.

All I can say is don't have a child you don't really want.

Unicornmammy · 06/08/2018 23:19

Hmm not the kids so much but the father...100%

Thursdaydreaming · 06/08/2018 23:26

If you think no one talks about it, search your thread title and you'll find plenty of other threads discussing it. One went on for years and is many pages long.

Sorry not trying to say "why did you start this thread" cause I hate when people say that, it's a discussion board after all. More just saying that yes, many people do and far from being taboo they talk about it constantly.

Not me though (yet).

Amanduh · 06/08/2018 23:27

Never ever.

Thursdaydreaming · 06/08/2018 23:36

I think Sharon's post above sums up the contradiction a lot of people feel about parenting.

She hates it, yet she has chosen to do it 11 times!

Celestia26 · 06/08/2018 23:38

If I could do my life over, I wouldn't have had children. It's incredibly hard, and you basically have to give up most of yourself to give to them. It's tough, gruelling and most of the time a thankless slog.
I feel like I should be adding "But they are worth it." But honestly no. Maybe I'm just at the stage with them now (both toddlers) where you feel like you get nothing back, and things will change in the future.
However right now, no I would not have had them.

pinkchampagne1 · 06/08/2018 23:51

I love my boys to bits but nothing prepares you for how stressful it is to raise children, especially when one of them has autism, is prone to depression plus frequent anger outbursts and you can't escape your (now alcoholic) ex who can still be a right arsehole because he happens to be the father of your children. So yes, if I had had a crystal ball and could see exactly how it was going to be then I am pretty sure I wouldn't have chosen to have children. I obviously wouldn't be without them now though.

Touchmybum · 07/08/2018 00:23

I was never that interested in children in my 20s. Come my 30s, settled in a good job in the area I wanted to work in, we thought I should come off the pill. Nothing happened. A couple of years later we found ourselves going through the infertility thing. One blocked, one partially blocked Fallopian tube. The harder it became, the more desperately I wanted a baby.

I got lucky and had DD (21) at 34, followed by DD2 (19) just short of 36, and DS at 40 (after 2 miscarriages). Yes, in some ways I know life would be easier without children, but knowing what I know now, it would also be very empty.

It's a hell of a responsibility to bring up decent human beings, and I don't think we realise how much until the children are already here. Then there's the worry, from them being ill when they are very little, whether they are walking, talking etc when they should, right through to learning to drive, going out socialising in their teens, leaving home....

They drive me mad, there's no denying but they are my favourite people in the whole world to spend time with. They have grown up bright, witty, fun, loving and great company.

We didn't have holidays for years when they were little. I didn't care. We had very little money to spare, so much of our income went on childcare. My parents helped financially where they could, and spoilt our kids so much, but they both passed away when DS was 2. We never had any practical help as they were too far away.

I was totally absorbed by my babies, but I still worked fulltime, and began a Masters when DS was 10 months, successfully, and subsequently a diploma in leadership and management.

I would never suggest to anyone that you can't have a happy, productive and fulfilling life without having a child. What I can say is, my life has been so enriched by having my children in it. I am still not that 'into' children as a species but I love my own dearly. I am so proud of them, the loving, thoughtful, intelligent and caring young people they have grown into. Every achievement fills my heart with happiness; every slight makes me feel murderous on their behalf!!

To the OP I'd say, you won't know whether being a mum is for you until you have a baby, and then it's too late to send baby back! My mum, who had 4 children, used to say that you never know you have a child until you have 2. So, if you are unsure, I'd say that one child couldn't be that much of an encumbrance on your life. Only then will you know whether or not you want any more. And if you don't have a child, well then you will never know either way.

Anyone who tells you that being a mum is easy isn't telling the truth; it's hard work. It involves sacrifice. It's only been in the last few years that I have felt that I have got 'me' back. We've been going on regular holidays the last few years, and I've been away with DD1 on her own and with both DDs and we had an absolute ball!

@Sharon, I really don't understand how you can regret having 11 children, and didn't stop having them long ago? IMHO 11 is ridiculous and there's no way I could deal with that! 11 kids would wear anyone down x

Katedotness1963 · 07/08/2018 02:16

Never. I wish we'd had them sooner, I was 36/38 when they were born. But if I'd had them sooner maybe they wouldn't be the people they are today, and they're pretty fucking great people today! We have a great pride in them.

Bloodylovepotatoes · 07/08/2018 06:08

In my opinion you shouldn't have children unless you KNOW you want them

I did want them. I had no idea what parenting was like until he was born. You can never ever know until you're a parent.

I love him so much that it scares me, the weight of it.

Bloodylovepotatoes · 07/08/2018 06:08

I'd say that one child couldn't be that much of an encumbrance on your life

I beg to differ!

JuneFromBethesda · 07/08/2018 06:21

Absolutely no regret. I love my girls so much and nothing makes me happier than seeing them happy.

BoomBoomsCousin · 07/08/2018 06:34

I love my kids, but if I had my time over I wouldn't have any.

SlimmingMumOf1 · 07/08/2018 06:37

I do sometimes. I love my DS so much but when he has one of them bad days and vicious tantrums, He is like a completely different boy. Not my sweet, content little boy that I used to know. I almost say I wish we hadn't had him but then I stop and think about what I am about to say. I feel disgusted with myself for even thinking it Sad

RoadToRivendell · 07/08/2018 06:41

I bitterly regretted having my first for quite some time, perhaps a year, with hindsight I think I had pretty severe PND. I can remember pushing him around NYC with tears streaming down my face, I'm sure people must have though I was a complete loon, it makes me nearly cry just typing that.

I adored my second from the outset, cue mucho guilt about the first.

I love the bones of them and wouldn't change a thing, but it can be extraordinarily difficult dealing with teenagers and their utter self-absorbtion, but they come out the other side I'm told.

Cath2907 · 07/08/2018 06:43

I love DD. DH would never have had kids, I think she is worth it. We didn’t have more. It is tough being a parent - I find the loss of freedom hard.

QueenofmyPrinces · 07/08/2018 06:47

I have two boys, both very much wanted and both very loved.

I don’t regret having them as this is my life now but I do miss my childfree days very much. I often fantasise about how life could be for me and my DH if we didn’t have children and I do think that if we had our time again, knowing what we do now, that we would choose not to have children.

Marley45 · 07/08/2018 06:48

No never. Having DS is the best thing I’ve ever done.
We waited a long time for him though, had a lot of fertility treatment and I was 35 when he was born. We’d had the opportunity (albeit not through choice time wise) to have a lot of years of ‘living’ - holidays, nights out, lie ins etc before having him.