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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

24 year old son desperate to move back home

208 replies

GillGro · 02/08/2018 07:57

Please help - this is worrying me sooo much. My son was kicked out of home about 2 years ago as a result of stealing, aggression, cannabis smoking, mess, disrespect etc etc. Our home life was a nightmare and we were always walking on egg shells. His stepfather and I couldn't stand it any longer. He is now desperate to move back in - he still smokes cannabis, is depressed and not good with money, but swears it will be different. We are now used to a peaceful, clean and tidy home and don't want this to change. We are really torn - will he change his ways if he moves back in? I worry that he is at rock bottom and may try something stupid, so would being back in the family help him? Whereas his step dad is convinced it will all slip back into the old ways very quickly. Any advice as this is tearing us apart. I have unconditional love, his stepdad (who is incredibly patient in everything else) sees the bigger picture. The plan is to sit down and have a long talk with him this weekend, and then decide - but if anyone has experienced this before it would be a big help.

OP posts:
OhDearMavis · 02/08/2018 07:58

He won't change. I'd support him as much as possible but not let him move back.

immortalmarble · 02/08/2018 07:59

That’s tricky. Where is he living now?

adaline · 02/08/2018 08:00

Where is he living now? Could you perhaps pay the deposit for him on a new place?

I wouldn't agree to being any kind of guarantor for him though!

Original poster
GillGro · 02/08/2018 08:00

He's in a room in a shared house - not particularly nice

OP posts:
JiltedJohnsJulie · 02/08/2018 08:01

Is he actively seeking help for his depression OP?

maxthemartian · 02/08/2018 08:03

It's hard as he's your son and you love him, but he will make your life a nightmare again. You'll be enabling him.

Original poster
GillGro · 02/08/2018 08:03

Not seeking help at the moment - that would be one of our conditions, I've found a local group. Counselling he has tried before - he simply gave up after 1/2 sessions - but that was a while ago. I just want/hope he can motivate himself and get out of this rut and wonder if being at home will help - but not sure if I'm just being too soft?

OP posts:
boringbertha · 02/08/2018 08:03

I don't think I'd let him move back in; yes by all means support him as much as you can but if he hasn't changed his habits especially the drugs then it's bound to end up like last time. Very difficult situation for you but maybe a case of being cruel to be kind.

Coolcool · 02/08/2018 08:04

Is he working?

Original poster
GillGro · 02/08/2018 08:04

That's the trouble - I love him and how would I live with myself if he genuinely is at rock bottom and tries something stupid?

OP posts:
immortalmarble · 02/08/2018 08:05

I’d let him back.

Original poster
GillGro · 02/08/2018 08:05

Yes - that's the one positive he has always held down a job - as a chef - can't knock him on that front

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 02/08/2018 08:06

I would not let him back to stay while still smoking cannabis. He would need to be clean. Could he come for dinner a few evenings a week and maybe you meet up with him for coffee at weekends. So tell him he has your full support but no smoking in the house.
Its a very tough one. Does he work/ study?

Original poster
GillGro · 02/08/2018 08:07

Yes - that's the one positive he has always held down a job - as a chef - can't knock him on that front.
He does pop in regularly for meals at the moment - especially Mum's roast!

OP posts:
heavandhell · 02/08/2018 08:07

No do not let him move back in it would be the same or if not worse then the last time. He is 24 not a child! Encourage him to book an appointment with this gp to start getting some help.

HRTpatch · 02/08/2018 08:08

I wouldn't let him back. I agree with pp about enabling.
If he was willing to give up cannabis and have counselling I would be more inclined to help.
Dont let him guilt trip you.

Beaverhausen · 02/08/2018 08:09

Tell him he has to quit smoking and have gone to at least 5 counselling sessions before moving back and if he does not have a job be in one before moving back. He is a grown man no matter how much we love them here is only so much we can do before hey need to start helping themselves.

But you know he is not going to change and things might even get worse.

Good luck OP. Xx

Original poster
GillGro · 02/08/2018 08:10

Good point about the guilt trip - he has done that before. We've had tears when it suits. Still makes me feel sick when I think about it. Guess that's all part of being a Mum - you can't forget the past 24 years you've put in

OP posts:
Timeforabiscuit · 02/08/2018 08:11

So why does he really want to move back in? Moving back home might feel like the easiest solution for him rather than the right one.

If you dont want to, be very clear that its a firm no - Hes living independently (and has capacity to do so), he needs to branch out not retreat back home, it wont be good for him.

Happygoldfinch · 02/08/2018 08:11

I wouldn't let him back. I'd maybe give him the money for a deposit on a flat he could rent.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 02/08/2018 08:11

No, and I say this from personal experience. Make him a welcome visitor in your home, but he really needs to be able to cope with living away from you. Be prepared to offer financial support with rent if that’s what it takes, feed him, do his washing for him, anything you think will make his life easier while he gets control of his life, but don’t let him move back. I know how hard this is for you. Flowers

AnyFucker · 02/08/2018 08:11

I wouldn't be able to say no

I would agree some ground rules and set a time limit to stick to. Then give it a go. Young people can mature a lot in 2 years.

pilates · 02/08/2018 08:11

Op, has he got a job and will he be paying his way? Also, he would need to be actively looking to stop smoking the cannabis before I would consider letting him move back. If he can knock the cannabis on the head, I’m sure the depression would improve. If your son, can do these two things, I would consider letting him move back in.

BeefyCakes · 02/08/2018 08:11

I'm assuming he wants to move back to save money on lodgings? Opens up a couple of hundred quid a month...

Don't do it. Nothing will change.

zippey · 02/08/2018 08:12

I’d let him move back in. He is still your son. However I’d make sure he was clean and wasn’t doing drugs any more.