24 year old son desperate to move back home

[GillGro]

Please help - this is worrying me sooo much. My son was kicked out of home about 2 years ago as a result of stealing, aggression, cannabis smoking, mess, disrespect etc etc. Our home life was a nightmare and we were always walking on egg shells. His stepfather and I couldn't stand it any longer. He is now desperate to move back in - he still smokes cannabis, is depressed and not good with money, but swears it will be different. We are now used to a peaceful, clean and tidy home and don't want this to change. We are really torn - will he change his ways if he moves back in? I worry that he is at rock bottom and may try something stupid, so would being back in the family help him? Whereas his step dad is convinced it will all slip back into the old ways very quickly. Any advice as this is tearing us apart. I have unconditional love, his stepdad (who is incredibly patient in everything else) sees the bigger picture. The plan is to sit down and have a long talk with him this weekend, and then decide - but if anyone has experienced this before it would be a big help.

For all I have advised you not to let him move back in, I do know it's much easier to give this advice from a safe emotional distance! I have my own boundaries with family (a brother many years older than your son) so I know how hard it is when you love them so sending you sympathy!

I'd say he needs to have stopped drugs, attending counselling, getting treatment for depression first.
I'd also say you'd be charging him rent, put it to one side for a house deposit if you like.
But coming home shouldn't be an easy ride, it should be a way to sort him out.

It's very hard to say no to this. Been there and had to be quite determined. But, for us, it all worked out right and was the best thing I did.

No, I would not let him move home. My sister has gone though a terrible time recently and my parents let her move temporarily back home. In some ways it was the worst thing they could have done. I was against it, I suggested that we all pull together and support her in her home.
The result was she gave up completely. Any desire to maintain any independence completely collapsed, sending her into a spiral. Getting her back on her feet and functioning as an adult was very hard, harder than it would have been. When she moved back home she saw no need to seek help from professionals because she was being looked after. But that isn’t sustainable in life! And my parents are not professionals! I’m still struggling to get her to seek professional help but she is doing much better now she is back home and sorting bits for herself. Even doing her own food shop/cooking her own meals is doing good her good.
Over reliance on other people doesn’t help in my experience.

I would refuse to have him back. He needs to stick at counselling, go to the doctors etc etc. Don’t let him give up the independence that he has. Perhaps support him more in his own home.

people saying nothing will change.
ok.what about someoene with a stroke in permanent state
cancer patients ill health not quite in remission
why is it different for mental illness.you would still take care of someone with other illness so why "no don't have him nothing will change" so what if it doesn't.you don't know this for starter.who knows what some care could do to him.it will plant those seeds of goodness.and even if he cant change right now.someone still deserve to be looked after.if it cant be his mum ok.she feels she cant.but punishing him and saying no way because hes ill.thats cruel.

How heart wrenching for you OP. I'd want to understand the desperation to move back.....has anything happened at the shared house? Just check he's not owing cash to someone who's after him or he'll just bring that to your house. Moving back can't Surely be a long term plan anyway just a stop-gap. I think you need a lot more info and commitment from him.

Kateandme I don't see how you can say OP can't stipulate that he be in some sort of treatment for his mental health, but can stipulate he be clean of drugs. Addiction is an illness too you know, just as serious as depression, and the two are interlinked rather than one being a consequence of the other.

Personally I think the OP can lay down any conditions she wants if she is allowing someone into her home. And i think in a lot of ways she will be able to be a lot more supportive and helpful to her son if she has somewhere safe to retreat to to refill her own cup, rather than her homelife being taken over by his depression, drug abuse, violence and stealing. You can love someone and still hate what they do, and if she has to live with that every day she will not have any resources of her own to draw on to help him, she will just be in survival mode.

I wonder if there is a third way. Chefs are in very high demand across the U.K. Could he move away and get a live in job somewhere?
In a similar vein a friend of mine in the navy says there is a massive shortage of chefs and they are struggling to recruit.

And how is it cruel to ask someone to engage in therapy?

I will be forever grateful to my parents lettingd go back at 24. We have a strained relationship but i would honestly be homeless now if they hadn’t.
Admittedly I didn’t do drugs but it can’t have been easy for them.

ennirem yes it is an addiction but you don't need to allow that into your home.you can support him and love him but not allow the drugs. im sorry its very different to being there for someone with an addiction and letting them do it in the home.there are ways of maybe being put on some medication.or oin to a safe space for clean needles etc.but you don't need to say its ok to hae in the home that should always be the clean safe no drug place if you can.

@kateandme I've suffered from severe depression on and off for 30 years. You're being totally disingenuous to suggest similarities with someone who has suffered a stroke and is unable to look after themselves properly. The OPs son is holding down a job as a chef - which is a stressful full-on job, so if he is not looking after himself properly it's going to be more as a result of choice than mental health. You can HELP someone with mental illness but that HELP does not have to be taking them back into your own home and mothering them. Totally different things and you know it. I suspect his depression would greatly improve - along with his aggression, stealing, disrespect and mess - if he stopped smoking weed.

Freed up money DOES mean more money for weed. I have to be honest, the hospitality industry is rife with drug abuse. (Partly because of the hours and the pressure, but also because it simply attracts people who are attracted to drugs.) Do you have other kids or stepkids? Whether or not they live with you full time, allowing him to return will affect them negatively. They will resent the attention, the money and the excuses you will inevitably make for him while you enable his habits and his behaviour. I am the older sister of someone who is now in and out of mental hospitals because instead of being allowed to deal with the consequences for his behaviour, my parents denied and hushed it up. He has totally fried his brain and is unable to hold down work, relationships or friendships. I am now his closest relative as my parents are dead and I am too frightened of him to let him near me or my children. (With very good reason.) My parents threw money at him for decades to avoid admitting the severity of his problems. They believed that he was sincere every time he promised that this time would be different. It never was. They tried to make me feel guilty for not believing him or trusting him and I was physically hurt, robbed many times and their blind loyalty to his cause was at the detriment of any relationship with their only other child and their only grandchildren. Please allow him to get the help he needs even if you need to be really tough.

“would still take care of someone with other illness“

Protecting an adult from the consequences of their drug addiction isn’t taking care of them. It really is that simple.

ennirem because sometimes at certain points of metnal illness and addiction they cannot just cannot think of going to therapy.

I like the live-in chef option - he has even been offered one, but doesn't seem to be motivated at all to get out of his rut - but I think that's the weed - no get up and go at all

I let my 25 year old back home, it was a disaster, we lasted a week. After a few days it was simply a case of "What the hell have I done?"

If you really think about it OP, he hasn't changed at all, because if he had he wouldn't want to come back. He would be proving to himself and you that he's coping well on his own. He wants an easy life, he wants you to provide it...…..for as long as possible.

shatnerswig ok sorry.having a job means up to a point he is able.but also with the depressin and mental ill health the op has said hes at rock bottom.so that meaning to me in many ways he isn't able to hold down a job.ive seen people at such such devasating ill health still going to their jobs and pushing themselves to levels to do so

It's all very crystal ball, but I think you have to be cruel to be kind here.

I do think that things may slip back to where they were, it sounds like, essentially, aside from where he lives, things haven't really changed for him - he is still smoking weed, went to, but didn't commit to counselling.

I also think that, no matter what your wishes are for someone, unless they are willing to seek help, and get better themselves, it's a lost cause (I'm not saying he is a lost cause, I hasten to add, but just saying try not to rose tint it all)

I daresay, his weed smoking is him 'self-medicating' and masking an underlying condition - his behaviour is becoming 'self-fulfilling' - it may be depression, it may be something else, whatever it is, nobody will know until HE wants to go and seek help, and I wouldn't envisage his behaviour altering much until this point.

Kudos to your Son, he has a job, so he has responsibility, he has accomodation, this is responsibility, if he comes back to living with you, it takes some of his responsibility away, both in financial terms, and practically. It also lessens the responsibility of his job in a way, from a psychological perspective at least, because right now, he needs his job to pay for his accomodation, the onus, and responsibility is on him. If he moves back in with you, then this responsibility may not sit so heavily on his shoulders because, regardless of work, he will always have a roof over his head.

I am a Mum myself, to two very little DS, but I am speaking from the perspective of a sibling.

My sibling 'ping-ponged' back and forth to my parents house for YEARS, self-medicated, manipulated, worried them sick - it was only after years of such behaviour, and him hitting absolute rock bottom, and saying HE needed to go and get help (after, literally, years of us all saying the same thing) that he was finally diagnosed as having bi-polar - he is in a completely and utterly different place now, a very positive one, we still never hedge our bets, but the change in him is amazing, and I've gone from a place where I was almost 'done' with him and his behaviour, to being able to say I'm proud of him.

I know it's different for you as a Mum, and whilst I'd like to think that due to my experience as a sibling, I would do things differently if it were my children, I know it's a very different perspective - but just giving you some insight and another perspective on things.

Stay strong, and also, like I admire how my parents have been there for my sibling, I just want to say how lucky he is that you continue to be there for him. (And you ARE still being there for him, and NOT letting him down in an way, even if you don't let him move back in.)

Don't let him move in. You'll never get rid of him. Offer support from a distance, do washing, offer meals and encourage him to seek therapy and give up cannabis

Could your DS look for a Chef job with tied accommodation? That could be another answer for the living situation.

Otherwise I would consider allowing him back home but there would be conditions!
1, he would pay a decent amount of rent 2, it would be a temporary stop gap and he would need to be making plans to get his life back on track and move out again 3, counselling! 4, no more drugs 5, taking his fair share of housework.

If he was to move back for a bit do you have a room big enough that he could use it as a whole living by space and just use the kitchen/bathroom in the ‘main’ house?

kateandme The cannabis will be at least contributing to the mental health issues, if not causing it. It is rarely helpful to allow someone struggling mentally to become less independent, unless it is a clear temporary respite. Generally becoming less independent can contribute to worsening mental health. And staying at home will free up more money for weed. That is not helpful.

Could you insist that he makes an effort to help himself before moving back in? Fir example he has to attend the counselling group, cut back on his cannabis? Etc. I would let him spend increasing amounts of time at home while he's doing this but not let him move back in until he's proved he's changed.

And remember depression is an illness, but that does not excuse his behaviour. If he is still using drugs and not seeking or engaging with help available to him then he clearly has no intention of helping himself at this time.
You know this though.

if he isn't prepared to live in some sort of socially acceptable way in your home and is going to turn it over once again then you know if you can or cant handle the way he is op.
you can be very very poorly with depression and still be within the realms to be looked after and living with family.as hard as it can still be and as ill as you can be you have to be within some reasoning.