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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

24 year old son desperate to move back home

208 replies

GillGro · 02/08/2018 07:57

Please help - this is worrying me sooo much. My son was kicked out of home about 2 years ago as a result of stealing, aggression, cannabis smoking, mess, disrespect etc etc. Our home life was a nightmare and we were always walking on egg shells. His stepfather and I couldn't stand it any longer. He is now desperate to move back in - he still smokes cannabis, is depressed and not good with money, but swears it will be different. We are now used to a peaceful, clean and tidy home and don't want this to change. We are really torn - will he change his ways if he moves back in? I worry that he is at rock bottom and may try something stupid, so would being back in the family help him? Whereas his step dad is convinced it will all slip back into the old ways very quickly. Any advice as this is tearing us apart. I have unconditional love, his stepdad (who is incredibly patient in everything else) sees the bigger picture. The plan is to sit down and have a long talk with him this weekend, and then decide - but if anyone has experienced this before it would be a big help.

OP posts:
ShumpaLumpa · 02/08/2018 13:28

Zenasfuck

OP's son wants to live at his mum's because his rent's going up.

If he's mentally well enough to hold down a job as a chef then he's well enough to figure out whether to stay in his current house share or move to a cheaper place.

He has also been aggressive to OP.

I've seen a few threads where OP has despaired at their adult DC taking over the house and being aggressive to their mum.

My sympathy is always with the mum in this situation.

ShumpaLumpa · 02/08/2018 13:30

Ans zena If you encouraged parents to take in their aggressive, cannabis using children then you werent very good at your job.

Sunnyday1203 · 02/08/2018 13:42

I speak from experience that when my sons smoke heavily ( which tends to be most days) they can become aggressive, violent, lazy, paranoid. We are not talking about a couple of spliffs here, I would be ok with that. But the stuff people smoke these days is so strong and mind bending. Why should OP have to live with that. No one is suggesting she disown him, you can offer love and support with living with someone.

Sunnyday1203 · 02/08/2018 13:43

without

TatianaLarina · 02/08/2018 13:46

Supporting them throughout, offering love and a safe place is the only way they will ever attempt to get clean

Support and love, sure. Allowing them to move in - generally just enables and makes them complacent.

I didn’t work last time, don’t know why you think it’s magically going to work this time.

TatianaLarina · 02/08/2018 13:46

*It

SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/08/2018 13:49

He won't change. I'd support him as much as possible but not let him move back.

This What Mavis says.

He may think he wants to change,; he may truly believe he will change, but he won't. He is still smiling cannabis - things won't change.

If he could stop doing that, and could have a few months clean, you could perhaps re-vist the situation, but ATM he will go back to his old, old ways, and destroy your home, your heart, and possibly your marriage.

Support him emotionally, but don't let him back into your home.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/08/2018 13:51

God no.

At 24, he should be enjoying his independence, not wanting to move back in with Mummy so she can cook and clean for him.

Support him emotionally, get him to the P for depression AND kicking the weed. but do not let him back into your house. You'll never get him out again.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/08/2018 13:54

BTW - I am good at giving advice, but if this were my child I would be just as torn as you are. He is 24, but he is still your "baby" and you love him. That is why you need to ask people who have no emotional involvement what is the right thing (for you ALL) to do.

Just say no.

BarbarianMum · 02/08/2018 14:06

zena you can't make people give up drugs, period. Not by supporting them, not by shunning them, not by begging them to get help, arranging help, giving them 'one more chance', not by throwing them onto the streets. Certainly not by loving them (if only it were that bloody easy). You've "worked with these people for years". Yes, great. And then you get to go home at night and shut the door. Try living with an aggressive drug user who promises lots, blames everyone else for their shortcomings, destroys the lives of all those around them and steals. Try it for a good long time - say 20 years - then give advice.

StillSmallVoice · 02/08/2018 14:36

You could be talking about my 28 year old. He has moved in and out of home six times in the last ten years. Every time things are going to be different, and every time I can I can't stand the mess in his room and say never again. He's currently been home for six months and it has started to affect my relationship with DH (who is not DS father). Shared accommodation in our town is insecure, expensive and scarce, which is how he keeps ending up at home again.

We are now taking fairly drastic steps and are taking equity out of our house to buy a small flat for him to live in. It will be my flat and he will pay rent, though not market rates, which he can't afford. We think this is a win for all of us. He has housing security, I don't need to see the mess, we get our home back and he won't come back. I can go back to meeting him for lunch every couple of weeks, which suits very well.

FWIW he seems to have got the cannabis habit under control (the poster up-thread who pointed out how bloody obvious it is is quite right) and has ditched some of the more unsavoury friends. I don't believe he is seeking the right help for the mental health issues, but I am coming to terms with the idea that it's his life, I can't fix him and I can't control him, and while I want to support him I need to leave it up to him.

Allthewaves · 02/08/2018 14:38

If he's working he could afford a nicer room in a nicer house. I wouldn't let him move back in

Ellie56 · 02/08/2018 15:03

I wouldn't let him back in having got rid of him once. I have a 24 year old who drives me mad with his mess and inconsiderate behaviour although thankfully he does not have a drug habit.

His room is a complete tip and has not been cleaned properly for over a year. Every time he is asked to clean up he does a bit and it looks a bit tidier then two days later it is all back to being a tip again.

We are going to have to take drastic action to get our home back, but I do understand that the emotional ties do make you feel guilty.

Original poster
GillGro · 02/08/2018 15:27

I am staggered at the response and support, and take some consolation that I am not alone, although that's hard for those in the same situation. Thank you again, so much, for taking the time out to help, it's really appreciated. I also spoke to Frank - excellent advice and they can do similar for DS if he wants it. They offer a supported plan of action for him to follow - but that will have to be his choice. I feel I have a lot more ammo and facts now without just having the heart-wrenching emotion to face the "chat". Really big thanks to everyone.
The "terrible twos" seem a walk-in-the-park now, if anyone wants any advice on that!! x

OP posts:
AfternoonTeaIsLovely · 02/08/2018 16:21

I'd make conditions and help him get his life on track and have some goals to work towards. I'd never turn my children away if they needed to come back home. I do hope I don't have to deal with what you have though x

LisaDav · 02/08/2018 16:27

This will be a hard decision because he is your son at the end of the day. However, things may or may not change.

I think before he moves back in, demand that he gets a job and sticks to it. Charge him rent, and for money towards bills.

You won't know if he has changed until you take that chance, but are you prepared to take that risk?

I know he's your son, but by the sounds of it, you and your partner get on better when he doesn't live at home, you have to think this might ruin things.

I wouldn't take the risk until he is prepared to pay his way and learn about responsibilities

Iwantaunicorn · 02/08/2018 16:32

GillGro if you’ve got any advice on teething and weaning I’m all ears, I’m currently pulling my hair out 🤪 good luck with your DS, take care 💐

OftenHangry · 02/08/2018 16:38

Stay strong.
Don't let him move back in. Do support him like you said. Letting him move back in would most likely be 10 steps back rather than forward.
He will either do something with his life with all your support, and I believe he will have a lot, or he won't. As hard as it is, it is his life and he has to want to better himself.
Fingers crossed for you x.
Just don't let him back in. He would never leave and he would never move on

fieryginger · 02/08/2018 17:05

Op, I'm where you were with your son. My DS is 21 and uses weed every day. He hasn't got a job and I'm sick to the back teeth of the situation. You could be describing my son, only he can't keep a job down.

Our situation is very complicated, we have another child with severe learning difficulties, my heart sinks when my DS comes in stoned. I don't know what to do.

Concerning your son, talking about walking on eggshells, the house being messed up - it brings you down. Unless you're in it, it's hard to fathom how lowering it is. I wish you all the best. Thanks for this thread, it has been very useful. 💐

Those saying weed is harmless are wrong. I've seen my DS change in front of my eyes over the past couple of years. 😞

S0fasurferz · 02/08/2018 18:14

I would be asking why with a job someone wants to move back to parents house. I know a few chefs who have had jobs with live in accommodation or live out in shared accommodation. None of my chef friends would be looking to move back home, so I guess the reason is the key.

TantricTwist · 02/08/2018 18:19

Just say no.

He's 24 and has a job. I wouldn't be letting him move back in.

I would help him find somewhere else to live if he isn't happy where he is now.

Ellie56 · 02/08/2018 19:26

Why is your son so desperate to move back home?

recklessruby · 02/08/2018 20:10

My son is back home since December. He is 30. He wanted to come back as he suffers severe depression and was having a breakdown and drinking too much due to stress of his job.
It was the best thing for all of us. He has a new job doesn't drink unless socially and helps me out with bills.
He can stay as long as he likes.
He was living a good bit away from home and was lonely even living with his totally unsupportive girlfriend.

lightonthewater · 02/08/2018 22:28

I totally get it Ruby.

lightonthewater · 02/08/2018 22:39

StillSmallVoice - you sound like you have done what i have contemplated many times. My son is 27 and has had severe mental health issues and long term unemployment. He finally found a job after literally years of being at home getting more and more unwell. It is part time and he can't live on his earning.s. We now have to move away, so he will be jobless again. I just have no idea what to do. We have considered buying him a small flat too, just so we don't have to put up with his mess and his mood swings. However, I don't think he would cope emotionally. He has no friends at all, and we are literally all he has. I think there are many people in this situation. It's easy to say 'just kick him out' but he has nowhere to go and no money and can't earn enough to support himself. He doesn't drink or do drugs, but his room is a tip and I feel like a maid. It makes me so angry and has exhausted me to the point of breakdown. It doesn't matter how many times I ask him to clean it, his idea of clean and mine just don't match up and I can't live in a house where one room is a pigsty.