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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

24 year old son desperate to move back home

208 replies

GillGro · 02/08/2018 07:57

Please help - this is worrying me sooo much. My son was kicked out of home about 2 years ago as a result of stealing, aggression, cannabis smoking, mess, disrespect etc etc. Our home life was a nightmare and we were always walking on egg shells. His stepfather and I couldn't stand it any longer. He is now desperate to move back in - he still smokes cannabis, is depressed and not good with money, but swears it will be different. We are now used to a peaceful, clean and tidy home and don't want this to change. We are really torn - will he change his ways if he moves back in? I worry that he is at rock bottom and may try something stupid, so would being back in the family help him? Whereas his step dad is convinced it will all slip back into the old ways very quickly. Any advice as this is tearing us apart. I have unconditional love, his stepdad (who is incredibly patient in everything else) sees the bigger picture. The plan is to sit down and have a long talk with him this weekend, and then decide - but if anyone has experienced this before it would be a big help.

OP posts:
ShumpaLumpa · 02/08/2018 10:56

@AvoidingDM

You wouldn't forgive yourself if something awful happened and you hadn't.

This is such shitty, guilt-trippy advice.

I doubt you would do this yourself.

ForTheLoveOfCakes · 02/08/2018 10:58

I would let him back. With very strict ground rules. Making it very clear that he lives by these rules or he's out

HolyPieter · 02/08/2018 11:05

He got himself into the mess, it's up to him to get himself out of it.

Keep him well away.

MyAuntyBadger · 02/08/2018 11:11

You have a lot of leverage at the moment, I would use it to get him clean. A condition of him living at home would be no drugs, but I'd want him home even if for a trial period, you could review it every month. He's asking you for help, I wouldn't be able to say no, whatever his age.

Sunnyday1203 · 02/08/2018 11:45

Gill I feel your pain. My DS 27 has just moved back in and am sick of the mess, cannabis smoking, horrible outbursts, fighting with his younger brother. I love him and want to help him but this is horrible to live like this. However if you think you can put conditions in place and her adhere to them, maybe it could work.

Figlessfig · 02/08/2018 12:01

I’m amazed that everyone is so concerned about smoking weed, to the exclusion of the other issues mentioned by the OP i.e. stealing and aggression.

Lots of people smoke weed and have successful careers, relationships and families. You say your son has always held down a job. While smoking anything is obviously very bad for you, it’s not as if he’s a junkie, or an alcoholic, for heaven’s sake!

If you don’t approve of weed, you have a right to insist that it’s not smoked in your home or garden. But in your position, I’d be much more concerned about the stealing and aggression, and the mess he created in your house.

lightonthewater · 02/08/2018 12:03

Shumpa. Yes I would. I have a 27 year old son with MH issues living at home myself. You have no idea what i have been through.

Ihatemycar · 02/08/2018 12:15

At 24 he really shouldn't come back home. Love him, support him, encourage him and be there for him. Do as much as you can without living together.
My ex husband just managed to make my move away from his house. He help him get a flat. Our son is 33 years old. Very immature and blames us for everything he hasn't done in life.
If your son still smokes etc I'll say not a chance in hell.
Why does he wants to live with you?
I'll be helping him with a deposit for a nicer place and bits and bobs but that's it.
You'll regret it and your patient husband would say I told you so.

Rollerbird · 02/08/2018 12:17

I need to sit down with this thread thoroughly (on a break at work at the moment)
We have just got my 20 year old (nearly 21) to leave for a 2nd time because of the same sort of thing and he is also a chef!

It is so difficult with the lack of respect for us or the house, the cannabis, the mess etc.

It sounds trivial but really it isn’t.

I think I would want to let him back and he would I know say he would be better – and last time he was for a little bit, and then slid down again.

My own son has spoken to me a couple of times, then when he doesn’t get the answer he wants he puts the phone down – eg ‘what do you want’ ‘I was ringing to see how you are’ ‘ are you going to give me any money’ ‘ no I was just ringing to check….. ‘ phone down

Ihatemycar · 02/08/2018 12:19

@Sunnyday1203 clearly that isn't working for you.
It won't work for the OP either. 27 and fighting with younger sibling????
It doesn't help them to delay maturity.
My son it's leaving home for the first time age 33 totally immature. I gave him some money to move to his new flat that his father paid for and he bought an Xbox. Do I need to say anymore?

ShumpaLumpa · 02/08/2018 12:24

@lightonthewater

My post wasn't directed to you? It was clearly directed to AvoidingDM.

This thread is about OP so not sure why I would know what you have gone through.

lightonthewater · 02/08/2018 12:39

Okay, sorry.

BarbarianMum · 02/08/2018 12:45

Maybe because stealing and aggression are closely linked to drug use? Hmm

Lots of people say they do and maybe manage it for a few years - but their employers and colleagues and spouses and children begin to tell a different story after a while. I personally don't know a single regular user of cannabis who isn't negatively affected by it, although I know several who would claim that all's good and that they're doing fine usually at someone elses expense.

TatianaLarina · 02/08/2018 12:47

While smoking anything is obviously very bad for you, it’s not as if he’s a junkie, or an alcoholic, for heaven’s sake!

If he’s dependent on cannabis then he’s a junkie.

Drug use is linked to stealing for obvious reasons and studies have shown cannabis can increase aggression.

AnotherOriginalUsername · 02/08/2018 12:49

I'd have him back with conditions.

  1. An initial fixed time period (12m maybe?)
  2. The agreement that he seeks help with the depression and cannabis use
  3. He contributes financially to the house somewhat but ultimately uses it as an opportunity to save and resolve his financial situation with a view to getting his own place.
  4. Agree a list of house rules with him and your partner and these are to be stuck to (by all parties, not just him)

It sounds as though he's reached a point where he knows he needs to get out of his current situation but isn't sure how

SarcasticFringehead · 02/08/2018 12:53

I went home at 26 for two years to help save for a deposit for my first home. It is SO much harder for people in their twenties these days to save and get a deposit for a house, it's all well and good saying you bought a house when you were 24. It's different now. And not the fault of the people in their twenties.

In your situation, I would tell him to keep his place he rents for now, but let him home for a week, on the condition that he gets counselling and gives up cannabis - one whiff of it, and he's back to his own place. Take it a week at a time. If after a month he is showing signs of improving or at least still trying with the counselling and not smoking, tell him he can move home for the time being but pays you what he was paying in rent. (If you don't need it, keep it for him so he can get a deposit saved up.).

SaucyJack · 02/08/2018 12:53

“Lots of people smoke weed and have successful careers, relationships and families.“

Yes- I’m sure the odd spliff on a Friday night hasn’t ruined anyone’s life yet. Much in the same way that the occasional glass of wine, or a pill once a year at Glasto has yet to kill anyone.

But this doesn’t seem to be the case here. Smoking the super-strong GM skunk that’s around at the moment all day, every day destroys people’s lives and personalities.

It’s only the users themselves that are too out of it to realise they’ve morphed into the walking dead. Everyone else can spot it from a mile off.

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 02/08/2018 12:57

His depression is likely linked to his dope habit and only he can change that habit, moving back home will not encourage him to give it up, quite the contrary, he will have more money & time for smoking weed. Also at 24 he is an adult and should not want to move home to mummy and daddy. You say yourself at his age you had a good job a mortgage. Can you imagine yourself at his age wanting to give up your independence and move back in with your parents, I certainly could not. I loved having my own place and making my own decisions and moving back home would have felt like going back to being a child. I find would find it odd that he would want to do this, except for the fact that he is a dopehead, which is the only reason - he wants an easy life where he is looked after like a baby. Just say no to him coming home or your home life will be destroyed just like before. You can still be a loving parent without him living with you. His life won't improve until he address his dope habit.

IJustHadToNameChange · 02/08/2018 13:01

If and only if he's getting help for whatever's wrong, should you consider letting him come back.

Any promise to seek help once you let him back is worthless.

BarbarianMum · 02/08/2018 13:04

Once he's receiving help he may not want to move back, or if he does it'll be for a specific purpose and time period (eg. two years to save for a mortgage). Right now it sounds more like "indefinitely and to free up more money and time for drugs whilst you baby me".

zenasfuck · 02/08/2018 13:08

Jesus he smokes weed and some of you are carrying on like he's got a smack habit 'get clean' and drug testing !

The reality is that a huge huge percentage of the younger population use cannabis - making him call drug helplines and get tested is just going to alienate him
Yes it could well be contributing to his depression (although that is debatable) he could be using it to medicate the symptoms of his mental health. Not everyone who uses cannabis has problems. SomeOne very close to me uses it daily and runs their own very successful business. I know other users who have very professional jobs.

The issue here is for whatever reason your son has lost his way, and this is compounded by mental health problems.

Regardless of his age, he is your son and right now he needs his mum. I wouldn't hesitate to take him back on the understanding that he allowed me to help him work through his problems

I work with people who have become estranged from their families for relatively minor issues. I've seen 4 of them buried in the last few mo the die to homelessness and serious drug use. I wouldn't want to risk my son becoming one of those sad statistics

TatianaLarina · 02/08/2018 13:13

Jesus he smokes weed and some of you are carrying on like he's got a smack habit 'get clean' and drug testing !

Cannabis dependency causes all kinds of significant problems. Particularly combined with mental health problems. The stronger the strain the bigger problems. I’ve seen this at first hand. Minimising it is just naive.

BarbarianMum · 02/08/2018 13:15

Your post makes no sense zena. OP's son is working so if his drug use is as minor and controllable as you claim he need neither become homeless or descend into serious drug use. Or if he needs to go home for some other reason then why is it unreasonable for him to give up toking first (given that he's not addicted and all)? And if you think you can prevent someone becoming a sad statistic by enabling them, shame on you.

Bahhhhhumbug · 02/08/2018 13:17

My stepson only moved out of mine and his dad's home at 24. Had he not gone when he had l doubt very much we would still be married and he still affects our relationship today as everytime his name even comes up we argue because as you say l haven't got that unconditional love that his dad has (l only knew him from being 18) and l just see a destructive devious narcissist and am just civil to him for Dh's sake. Yes lm projecting but l wouldn't let him back as lve been in your Dh's shoes. Also if he does play up again and you have to ask him to leave that's going to surely increase the risk of him hitting rock bottom ending up back where he is now and you would be even more worried about him then doing, 'something silly' as you say. At some point he will have to learn to be independent and him coming back home will just delay that.

zenasfuck · 02/08/2018 13:19

It makes perfect sense. Lots of the people I work with have held down jobs and homes. Until their mental health problems worsened to the point where it was no longer possible.

They lose their jobs, followed by their homes. It isn't hard to become homeless. So yes, op's son could well find himself facing that issue

And don't you dare 'shame on me' I've worked with these people for long enough to understand - it's not about enabling, it's about offering support even when it's really fucking hard

You cannot make people stop using drugs and by withdrawing support you offer them no incentive to do so

Supporting them throughout, offering love and a safe place is the only way they will ever attempt to get clean

But as op's son is simply smoking a bit of weed and not shooting up in park toilets this conversation seems moot

And fuck off with your 'shame on you'