24 year old son desperate to move back home

[GillGro]

Please help - this is worrying me sooo much. My son was kicked out of home about 2 years ago as a result of stealing, aggression, cannabis smoking, mess, disrespect etc etc. Our home life was a nightmare and we were always walking on egg shells. His stepfather and I couldn't stand it any longer. He is now desperate to move back in - he still smokes cannabis, is depressed and not good with money, but swears it will be different. We are now used to a peaceful, clean and tidy home and don't want this to change. We are really torn - will he change his ways if he moves back in? I worry that he is at rock bottom and may try something stupid, so would being back in the family help him? Whereas his step dad is convinced it will all slip back into the old ways very quickly. Any advice as this is tearing us apart. I have unconditional love, his stepdad (who is incredibly patient in everything else) sees the bigger picture. The plan is to sit down and have a long talk with him this weekend, and then decide - but if anyone has experienced this before it would be a big help.

It's nice to be able to settle down for the night knowing he's ok and not get a load of texts from her because he s walked out/completely drunk and unconscious after yet another of their rows.

I would let him come back if he's still smoking the stuff. In fact, I'm not sure I'd let him come back even if he wasn't. He will be trouble.

Not seeking help at the moment - that would be one of our conditions, I've found a local group. Counselling he has tried before - he simply gave up after 1/2 sessions - but that was a while ago. I just want/hope he can motivate himself and get out of this rut and wonder if being at home will help - but not sure if I'm just being too soft?.

It’s a tough one isn’t it? I don’t think this it upto you to seek out things that may work to help to improve his mental health. In my experience, you have to help yourself but unfortunately, that’s usually the last thing that you want to do if you are depressed.

The other thing I’d worry about is fracturing your relationship with him if you don’t let him back.

I think if he were mine, I’d say he coukd come back but he must see the GP and be honest about his mental health and try to improve it because you love him and want to see him more content than he is now.

Obviously you can help this in some ways like providing healthy meals but if he’s not going to Counselling, not eating correctly and not exercising his mental health is unlikely to improve. Could you put a time limit on coming back, say a year for him to actively sort himself out and seek better accommodation ready to move out next August?

I’ve had a bit of a tough start to the year OP and I’ve had to be really careful about my own mental health. Spending time with the non-toxic members of my family, long walks, yoga, eating well, counselling and guided meditation have all helped. I think if I hadn’t looked after myself and made such a huge effort to do it, I would have been a non-functioning wreck by now and I’ve had to actively seek out things that wold help me as different things work for different people.

At 24 my DH married me, we had a baby and a mortgage. He's a grown man and needs to start acting like it. If you allow him back I'd be putting very strict conditions on it and making him pay a significant amount of board so it's not seen as an easy option to live with you. Whether you use that money or save it to help him with a deposit on his own place in a year or so is up to you.

I would let him.back but tell him it's his last chance and lay down some rules. Tell.him if he fucks it up this time he will be gone and u won't let him return.
Maybe he's seen the reality of how hard it is when he moved out and will make thibgs different when he moves back. Only time will tell. Good luck

I’ve just been catching up on the thread, although I haven’t read it all yet. So glad you’ve spoken to FRANK OP.

Having seen your message about their plan I think I’d make it a condition that he does that before you let him back. That’s going to be tough though because he’s going to actually have to do something himselfcand not rely on promises and your goodwill.

Having said that though, please feel free to ignore my advice, I don’t really have any experience

Lightsonthewater - that's really tough. Mine has mental health problems, which have been severe at times (not helped by the cannabis), but he's in a better place now and has a job which he likes, so things are looking up. Hopefully having a job will make a big difference to your DS - unemployment just makes everything worse.

But honestly, when you open the front door and can smell his room, things aren't OK. I don't know how they can live like that. It sounds from this thread that we are not alone.

If you do then it’s on a 3 month trial basis and he pays you the same he did for his flat share as well as doing monthly home drug test kits.