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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

24 year old son desperate to move back home

208 replies

GillGro · 02/08/2018 07:57

Please help - this is worrying me sooo much. My son was kicked out of home about 2 years ago as a result of stealing, aggression, cannabis smoking, mess, disrespect etc etc. Our home life was a nightmare and we were always walking on egg shells. His stepfather and I couldn't stand it any longer. He is now desperate to move back in - he still smokes cannabis, is depressed and not good with money, but swears it will be different. We are now used to a peaceful, clean and tidy home and don't want this to change. We are really torn - will he change his ways if he moves back in? I worry that he is at rock bottom and may try something stupid, so would being back in the family help him? Whereas his step dad is convinced it will all slip back into the old ways very quickly. Any advice as this is tearing us apart. I have unconditional love, his stepdad (who is incredibly patient in everything else) sees the bigger picture. The plan is to sit down and have a long talk with him this weekend, and then decide - but if anyone has experienced this before it would be a big help.

OP posts:
Melliegrantfirstlady · 02/08/2018 09:17

As a compromise why not let him stay over one night a week or something?

JulianOfNorwich · 02/08/2018 09:18

I think he needs to make changes BEFORE you think about him moving back in- not as a condition of moving back in. Given his past behaviour, you need to see him demonstrate his commitment to change, rather than just paying lip service so he can come home.

You can support him while he gives up the drugs, help him to move somewhere else if his flat mates are also doing the drugs, and he needs to give the counselling a proper go, only then you should consider his request.
If he can sort himself out, he probably won't want to move back in anyway.

chicazteca · 02/08/2018 09:18

Though love is what he needs. Like many have suggested before, I'd set as a condition that he went to counselling if you were to welcome him back home, but ideally he should find his own path in life. Myimaginarycathasfleas has the right idea, but the rules should be very clear (on paper, if necessary) or you'll end up paying his bills before you know it! And that's not good either. All the best, OP; I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. Flowers

Lalliella · 02/08/2018 09:18

This mirrors a situation years ago with my brother. My parents let him move back in and it didn’t work out. He moved out / was thrown out again and was lucky enough to eventually get a council flat, where he’s lived now for years. That suited everyone a lot more and still does. My mum felt really guilty that she couldn’t help him more, but you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves.

kateandme · 02/08/2018 09:21

cardinalcat I think that's some really good advice.

Harken53rig · 02/08/2018 09:21

Agree with Julian. I would be saying on medication for depression and not smoking for 8 weeks (and willing to submit to hair tests) and 10 sessions of counselling attended BEFORE moving back in.

If he did all that, he probably wouldn't want to move back in.

purlandvick · 02/08/2018 09:22

It's a difficult decision as he's your son . It's not only u who has to agree it's also his stepdad . This may put ur relationship under great strain. His stepdad is making the decision without all the mum guilt. This needs help from other places , doctors , therapist. Have u contacted any drug support charities ?, they deal with all issues surrounding addicts .

Original poster
GillGro · 02/08/2018 09:22

You've all really helped massively, helped take some of the emotion out of it and properly see how we can actually help him. I feel relieved now and know where I'm going (I hope). I will offer love and support (what a Mum can do), but let him make the move to professionals - I've got the Talk to Frank number already. Once he's taken that step, I'll just be there for him - but not back under our roof for now. The fact that his rent has just been put up confirms he is looking for an easy life.
You are all great - thank you x

OP posts:
Harken53rig · 02/08/2018 09:23

If these things are 'agreed' for after moving in they just wont happen. Words are cheap.

ManeNachger · 02/08/2018 09:25

Just a note. I would not let what my partner wants overide my own feelings about my DS. I am assuming your love for him goes deeper than his step dad so if that is incorrwct than my advice is invalid. This is if it was happening to me. No offence intented at all. Good luck OP. Sorry for you and your family. Hope it gets better and he gets help.

TatianaLarina · 02/08/2018 09:28

Really good post from JulianofNorwich.

I was going to say the same thing.

LoveInTokyo · 02/08/2018 09:29

Could you let him move in for a defined period, say six months, on the condition that he (1) stops doing drugs, (2) gets treatment for his mental health issues, and (3) pays rent?

If necessary you can save the rent in an account for him and then in six months' time you can use it to help him pay a deposit on a new place to live.

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 02/08/2018 09:30

Another here saying not to let him move back in.

Even if his intention is to save for a flat/house deposit, the temptation will still be there, and he'll know he'll get more chances/tolerance from you than he would a "proper" landlord - if you were to charge him the going rent.

That's not to say he should feel he's out on his own.
You need to be clear that you'll help him any other way you can (driving him to counselling/gp appointments, deposit for a flat etc), but that he's an adult and needs to start thinking like one.

He needs to recognise that the weed is probably the key to all this.
It'll be keeping him short of money, and the energy to address the other things.

Maybe try and help him focus on longer term goals that appeal to him (getting a flash car, football season ticket, lads holidays to Ibiza) whatever those might be. And support him in reaching them.

But not by bringing him home

Argeles · 02/08/2018 09:33

I would definitely allow him to come and live back in the family home.

He may be 24, but he is still your son, and he may really need you.

I’m sure living with non-family members has made him realise just how unreasonable his behaviour towards you and his partner was.

Perhaps you could say that you will try your best to support him and help him to stop taking drugs and to access support groups or counselling if necessary.

I would write up some ground rules, like a contract, and if he breaks any of these, you could throw him out again.

NewUserNameTime · 02/08/2018 09:38

Good advice from Discontinued

TheFoodtheFadandtheFugly · 02/08/2018 09:39

I think if he is able to hold a job down long-term then he is not truly at rock bottom yet.

There are ways you can very much be there for him without him moving in. You can help with washing, meals, you could discuss self-care with him - what is it he is struggling with that has changed? The fact he is depressed obviously a main concern. But you have to care for yourself to care for others. It sounds like his moving house would not be good for you at the moment - and he has shown you what that can be like.

Skittlesandbeer · 02/08/2018 09:41

Sorry- it’s a no from me too.

I’d probably hear him out and offer him a 1-year plan. You will only consider (not guarantee) that level kind of high-level help for him in a year’s time, if he does A,B&C. With monthly updates on progress, initiated by him. Be clear that you won’t be following up or brooking excuses. It’s all on him, if he’s keen enough to try and earn his way back home. He needs to get the message that while his needs are in the forefront of his mind, it’s YOUR needs that count now.

Outline what assistance (short of accomodation) you two are willing to offer him in this 1-year plan. Very practical stuff, based on him hitting his goals.

I feel for you, it’s a difficult situation. Doesn’t change the Parent Prime Directive which is- raise them not to need you, and be contributing citizens.

CesiraAndEnrico · 02/08/2018 09:41

but I would be phoning a service like Frank to talk to and get advice about what is the best approach re his cannabis use.

That sounds like very good advice. But, and again this is a personal perspective rather than a one size fits all gospel truth, my experience was that while dealing with symptoms had an important place, rooting about for the cause of the symtoms was a vital, and missing component.

Nothing was going to stick resolving symptoms wise until the cause was identified, recognised, and rectified as far as it could be.

It was easier and less uncomfortable to focus on the symtoms, require a one sided accountability, asking of me that which they were not prepared to ask of themselves.

Just want to underline, I am not saying that is the OP's reality. There is more than one road to family hell and wholly blameless parents end up there too. But even the blameless parents can use a hand in understanding the potentially unknown (to them) causes of behaviours and being guided by somebody who has the information and experience to tie together the strands of details and bigger picture in order to create a road map for them.

People will spend hundreds on a mechanic to keep their car on the road rather than optimistically take various tools to the engine themselves. Because they know the stakes are high and they don't have the expertise to fix the problem themselves. But when it comes to kids, especially those who may have had some trauma or deeply unwanted, painful changes in their lives... lay person, on the fly fixes are more common than not. Even though we know now that our children can pay a life long price when things go wrong in their formative years. Which is at least as high stakes as a car that could break down at a time when you absolutely need it to keep going.

BunnyCarr · 02/08/2018 09:44

Nope. Don't let him back in.

Movablefeast · 02/08/2018 09:44

He really is too old to move back to hide from the world and have a cushy life. If he has problems he needs to learn to deal with them as an independent adult. As he was such a nightmare before and hasn’t really changed I would not let him move back in. Put your peace of mind and marriage first.

AnnabelleLecter · 02/08/2018 09:45

I wouldn't unless he's saving for a deposit and then it would be for a set time.
He's 24 he needs to start making more mature choices and stand on his own two feet. I would give him a lot of advice, support him and have him round or arrange to meet up a couple of times a week etc.
Lots of young people manage in houseshares/ bedsits.

hellsbellsmelons · 02/08/2018 09:50

I'm glad you have a plan OP.
He's an grown up and needs to take responsibility for himself.
I'm with all the others who say 'no way'
Be there for him but you cannot save him.
He has to save himself.

Jog22 · 02/08/2018 09:50

Kitchens are notorious for high drug use so don't believe him if he says he'll give up. Don't have him move back in. Help him in other ways.

lightonthewater · 02/08/2018 09:52

It's all very well to talk about a 24 year old being an adult and how they need to learn to stand on their own two feet, but life for young people is very difficult to navigate these days. 24 is still really quite young, especially for a man. Many people in their twenties still live at home because they can't afford to rent or just can't cope due to MH issues or because they are vulnerable. Life is not black and white.

Clairetree1 · 02/08/2018 09:53

cannabis has to stop, and he has to prove it by agreeing to regular drugs tests.

I would let him move in if he was clean from cannabis, proven to be clean and committed to staying clean.

That would be my condition.

Otherwise you are not actually inviting your son back to live with you, are you, you are inviting cannabis in, morphed into a human shape