24 year old son desperate to move back home

[GillGro]

Please help - this is worrying me sooo much. My son was kicked out of home about 2 years ago as a result of stealing, aggression, cannabis smoking, mess, disrespect etc etc. Our home life was a nightmare and we were always walking on egg shells. His stepfather and I couldn't stand it any longer. He is now desperate to move back in - he still smokes cannabis, is depressed and not good with money, but swears it will be different. We are now used to a peaceful, clean and tidy home and don't want this to change. We are really torn - will he change his ways if he moves back in? I worry that he is at rock bottom and may try something stupid, so would being back in the family help him? Whereas his step dad is convinced it will all slip back into the old ways very quickly. Any advice as this is tearing us apart. I have unconditional love, his stepdad (who is incredibly patient in everything else) sees the bigger picture. The plan is to sit down and have a long talk with him this weekend, and then decide - but if anyone has experienced this before it would be a big help.

I love him and how would I live with myself if he genuinely is at rock bottom and tries something stupid?

PP have already covered this, I thought it might be helpful for you to have a look at another active thread, the one asking whether an adult should make another adult do things 'for their own good'. It might be helpful to remind yourself that you can help and support, but can not make him do things. He is not a child, you are more likely to be able to support from afar, rather than sharing the same home, which can so easily be fraught.

It's great that he is working, but being a chef is the most antisocial of jobs if he is in the restaurant /hotel side. Split shifts, long hours, late finishes, working when your friends are free, free when they are working etc. It's a notorious profession for drink and drugs , neither of which are good for his depression. If he is in the hotel /restaurant side I would try to encourage him to get into a more corporate environment, either cooking for a large school or college, or a company where the emphasis is on lunch and he will have more time to socialise,and do stuff for himself not sit in his room smoking.

I think him moving back would be a disaster, you can't cure all his problems with mother love unfortunately, he has to learn to overcome his demons by his own efforts. I've no doubt he will, but living back at home won't do it. You and your oh would be on edge,waiting for the inevitable shoes to drop, he would feel that tension and it wouldn't help, it would all blow up eventually and he would lose all the ground he has gained in the last two years.

By all means support him, help him to find a better house share, have him round for meals etc etc, but living back with you would offer too much of a risk of him slipping back into his old ways and habits.

I'm assuming he wants to move back to save money on lodgings? Opens up a couple of hundred quid a month

My thoughts too. More money to spend on drugs.

However, easy for those are not this boy's parents to say don't let him back. Must be a hard decision for any parent.

He's your son. Give him a second chance. With conditions attached. You wouldn't forgive yourself if something awful happened and you hadn't .

Why is 24 young for a man????!!!!! That is ridiculous. He is wasting his life on drugs and has no motivation and your solution is to enable him to be a lazy scounger off his mum? I’m sorry I totally disagree. He needs to grow up and having the normal hardships of young adult life which will not kill him. I was living alone at 16, went to work and then put myself through Uni from 23 onwards but as I was a young woman I guess it was expected that I actually take responsibility for myself! Shrewth, I’ve heard it all.

My counsellor told me that sometimes our help for someone can go from supporting the person to supporting the problem. I do think that if you let your son home you will be supporting the problem i.e. freeing him up from normal adult responsibilities - if he can't cope then he needs to seek help for his depression and remove other obstacles in his life such as smoking weed. Then if he still needs your help you can reassess the situation from there.

As an aside my brother is 45yo and has never left home despite having the financial means to do so many times over. He just prefers living rent free with my mum and having the disposable income to live a lifestyle that would otherwise be beyond his means. I don't honestly see what letting your son move back in would do other than give him even less motivation to be independent (and free up more weed money). JulianOfNorwich is spot-on when they say "If he can sort himself out, he probably won't want to move back in anyway."

For me I do not know if I would or not. I think it would depend on if I felt he needed that on hand support or if I could support him without it (which tbh would be my preference)

If I did it I think the rules would be: no weed, must be seeking (and taking) help for the mental health issues and he pays you rent (which if you can afford to you could save some of so once he's sorted he has something that can be used for a deposit on a rental)

I'd also set a time limit for how long he can stay and stress that rule breaking would mean kicking him out. I think if you've kicked him out before then he will realise you are serious.

I don’t think you can call this one without actually know you all and knowing the 8ns and outs of your history etc but I think I’d let him move in.

I’d want an agreed list of rules and I’d want a good chunk of rent. I’d use some of the rent for his upkeep and I’d save as much as I could for him so that he will be able to afford somewhere to live later on.

I would set some rules and let him move in but under the condition that he pays you the same as he pays for his current rent. And tell him you will use half for board and the other half you will put away for a deposit for him (or whatever suits your figures), and make it clear that when enough is saved for a deposit he will be moving out and renting his own flat.

The thing is that if you throw him out again (which seems inevitable, really) then it could create a much bigger problem. Your husband will be furious - and don't forget it's his home, too - and your son will likely be further down than he is already.

I would say that if he stays off weed for a year (with tests to prove that's the case) then he could come back. He wouldn't want to, then, because he'd feel more motivated to find a flat with friends, purely as a result of not smoking weed.

Weed is such a bad drug for making people lose motivation and become lazy and selfish. You know that if you cave in now and let him return he'll keep smoking. Once he's in your home it'll be far more difficult to reason with him and you will have lost your safe haven.

He will probably agree to anything you say op and once he is home it will revert to how it was before.sounds harsh but I'd say no.If he really wants to change help him come off and stay off the drugs and get a job.say once he has SHOWN you he HAS changed then fair to reconsider.you won't be helping him at all by allowing him back now.be firm.say no.

This could end up with you losing your relationship with your husband, too. Have a look at the Step-parenting board and read the stories of step-mothers who want to leave home because their partners' adult children have returned home.

It’s great that he’s holding down a job, but unless he’s completely willing and desperate to quit the weed I think you’ll end up in the same cycle as before. Never experienced it as a parent, but have seen it happen multiple times as a sibling with my parents!

He has a job so why does he want to move home apart from expectation of living rent free (or very cheaply).

I lived at home to save for a deposit but I paid mum board and cleaned the house and did all the shopping/dishes. And did save most of my earnings and now have a house very near mum to support her as she grows older.

I think you're right OP and he is just looking for an easy option.

I would let him move back. With a caveat - you haven’t said much about the aggression. Depending on the nature/extent of this previously and whether there is any sign this has improved that might change my view. None of the other issues you list would be an impediment, in my household, to a child coming back to live at home.

I speak as a mother of a 17 year old with a very serious mental illness. I could not envisage a time when I would refuse her a home with us.

The people who speak of “enabling” in this scenario have got it wrong. If you don’t allow him back he will likely continue as he is (or get worse). You will not be “enabling” his cannabis use or his depression by letting him return. I do not think this is a “cruel to be kind” situation at all.

Given he is in decently paid work and living in a relatively low cost housing set up (shared housing being one of the cheaper options) I hazard that his desire to come home is not motivated by financial considerations.

Work as a chef is stressful and tiring. Drug use is endemic in the hospitality trade. He will struggle to abstain entirely from cannabis. Making that a condition of his returning is pointless. You might as well just say no. I’d make it a condition he does not smoke on your property. And that he engages in therapeutic work. I am not condoning the drug use. Just being realistic.

I believe that this is is a fairly straight trade between your well-being and his. I have almost no doubt from what you say of him that he would be hugely better off living back with you. Depression is crippling and even living in a shared house and with regular work he may be extremely lonely and socially isolated. But I also have no doubt that his return to the family home will cause you stress and will strain your relationship with your husband (however good and patient a stepfather he is, your son is not his son and I do believe this would be an added strain - I also believe it is probably the larger part of why you might be inclined to say no to your son).

If your son were younger I’d say that the choice between his welfare and yours would be clearly weighted in his favour. With your son aged 24 you would not be wrong to decide to put the needs of you and your husband first. But since you have asked the question my answer is that in your position I would let him move back.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Dealing with the mental illness of our children is hugely stressful.

From personal experience, you are helping him best by not having him back, he will only learn to live as an independent adult by living on his own. You would be enabling him to continue with drugs etc by letting him move back. I know it's heart breaking, but as other posters have said, have him round for meals, meet for coffee, be upbeat and encouraging with him, let him be a man and learn to care for himself, you wont always be around

Can you support him to move to a better shared house (help with actually moving / finding a place, not necessarily financial help) instead?
Grotty flatshares are a pretty normal part of young adulthood - DP and I shared with a friend for several years in order to save for a deposit.

While he is still using cannabis no I would not let him move back in.
Long-term use can have a depressant effect and reduce motivation, things are unlikely to improve.

I wouldn't, he's a grown adult with a track record for abusing his living situation when living with you.

I would offer to help in other ways, but he wouldn't be moving back

I’d give it a ‘last chance’ go if your dh I should willing. Put a time limit on it and help him to find a place of his own.

Agree with AvoidingDM
Everyone deserves a second chance.

A 24-year-old should not be looking to move home to mum - however much you both love each other. You've done your bit - you've prepared him for life and now he needs to get out there and live it. If you keep providing a home for him well into adulthood (and I would argue that 24 is well into adulthood, since the law says you're an adult at 18 and that was six years ago), then he will never learn to cope with life for himself. You really would be doing him no favours by allowing him back, and you would quite possible irreparably damage your own marriage, since your DH, one step removed, sees this situation for what it is - i.e. a manipulative piss-take. Your DS needs to grow the hell up, give up the drugs, go and see his GP about his depression and start acting like an adult. If he doesn't like his grotty room in a shared house then he should get a better job that pays him more so he can live somewhere better, not go running home to mummy. If he wasn't wasting so much money on weed maybe he'd be able to afford something better now! Time for some tough love for this big baby who needs a kick up the arse, quite frankly.

You are his mother, not his keeper, he's a grown man now.
My advice is, don't have him back.
I have made this mistake, with one of mine, wheedling his way back in, but nothing changed, Infact it got worse. I now blame myself for not being stronger, and forcing him to make changes to his life, in order to move forwards.
Support him, advise him, be there for him, listen, and love him unconditionally, but not under your roof.

Help him but remember that simply giving him what he wants isn't always doing the best thing for him. YOu are still a parent and still aiming to help him become the independent person he can be. The advice on here is about what is good for him as well as what is good for you.

If he lives in your home then he escapes rent and responsibility. This is probably not good for him long-term.

If he lives with you - as an adult- this could erode your good relationship. You will irritate him with the restrictions you put on his freedom and he will irritate you with the liberties he takes with yours.