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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

24 year old son desperate to move back home

208 replies

GillGro · 02/08/2018 07:57

Please help - this is worrying me sooo much. My son was kicked out of home about 2 years ago as a result of stealing, aggression, cannabis smoking, mess, disrespect etc etc. Our home life was a nightmare and we were always walking on egg shells. His stepfather and I couldn't stand it any longer. He is now desperate to move back in - he still smokes cannabis, is depressed and not good with money, but swears it will be different. We are now used to a peaceful, clean and tidy home and don't want this to change. We are really torn - will he change his ways if he moves back in? I worry that he is at rock bottom and may try something stupid, so would being back in the family help him? Whereas his step dad is convinced it will all slip back into the old ways very quickly. Any advice as this is tearing us apart. I have unconditional love, his stepdad (who is incredibly patient in everything else) sees the bigger picture. The plan is to sit down and have a long talk with him this weekend, and then decide - but if anyone has experienced this before it would be a big help.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 02/08/2018 08:12

if he genuinely is at rock bottom and tries something stupid?

If - and it's a big if - that was to happen, it would not be your fault. Please clear that from your mind now. I know it's easy to think like that, but it would not be true. He is responsible for his own actions. He is 24.

It's usually when someone is at rock bottom that they seek help. In his case, that would be going to the GP and talking properly about his depression, going on medication if required, stopping smoking weed (which at the very least will be worsening his depression and may even be the cause if he's smoking it a lot).

Your husband is totally right on this, I'm sorry to say. It will not be any different. Living in a room in a shared house that isn't very nice ought to be sufficient motivation to change so as to get somewhere better. In his mind, he doesn't need to change to get somewhere better as soft touch mum will let him back in to her nice house again.

Timeforabiscuit · 02/08/2018 08:13

Oh and the manipulative behaviour and tears is a massive red flag that he has not changed and will slip back to how he was previously.

SillySallySingsSongs · 02/08/2018 08:15

I wouldn't let him back. I'd maybe give him the money for a deposit on a flat he could rent.

I agree.

Why does he want to move back in?

Original poster
GillGro · 02/08/2018 08:15

Your comments are REALLY useful - massively appreciated - making me tearful, though!
Yes - I think he wants to free up money and have an easy life (underneath it all) so I'm worried that free money will just mean more weed.

OP posts:
maxthemartian · 02/08/2018 08:15

Also, at 24 he is an adult man. Some are supporting their own families at that age.

I'm not a knee jerk anti cannabis person at all but I'd hazard a guess as to why he still has depression if he keeps smoking the stuff.

Has he said why exactly he wants to move back in?

amusedbush · 02/08/2018 08:16

He is manipulating you. I honestly wouldn’t let him back home if I were you, you’ll never get him out again. Nothing will change, he’ll just have more money to spend on drugs.

Saving money is the only reason he wants to come home. Tell him you’ll charge him the same as his current rent and watch him change his tune.

Gatehouse77 · 02/08/2018 08:17

I'd be inclined to maybe be a bit more formal about it and have a sit down with all the household and explain that there have to be rules to ensure things don't go the same way again.

Give him and yourselves time to prepare by stating what time, where and to come with ideas to help a smooth transition. And consequences if either party isn't happy with behaviour.

It's a difficult balance when the parent/child dynamic is with an adult. There is, however, a difference between being treated like a child and being respectful/considerate when living in a shared space. He needs to understand and accept that before he moves back. And that it might be difficult at first!

And if the rule is no smoking in or around the house, he has to abide by that.

Gottokondo · 02/08/2018 08:17

Your job as a mum is to parent your child towards an independant adult who preferably makes the decision to be a positive participant of society. Letting him back in at the age of 24 does not achieve this. Also if he is serious about quitting cannabis and getting help he will do that regardless of where he lives. By letting him move back home you will make him a child again. You will not be helping him in the long run.

Pippylou · 02/08/2018 08:17

If you let him back, make him pay rent. Otherwise it just frees up cash for his hobbies.

Sounds harsh but our family have been here, unconditional love leaves people open to unconditional pisstaking

ToothTrauma · 02/08/2018 08:18

No. He’s 24. He’s not seeking help for his mental health issues and he’s smoking weed which will be making them worse.

You can offer support/lifts/whatever to counselling and NA meetings but don’t let him back.

Sinkingswimmer · 02/08/2018 08:18

Don't let him back unless he has already made and sustained the changes you know he needs to make. You know moving back won't help him make his life better, otherwise he wouldn't have been kicked out in the first place would he? You're happy with your home life now, don't let him selfishly destroy it again

Singlenotsingle · 02/08/2018 08:20

He's an adult now, not a child. Adults have to look after themselves, not run back to mum where all the old home comforts are, dinners, mum doing his washing etc. How long would it be before all the old behaviours crept back? And how long would he expect to stay this time? Two years, five years, forever?

SaucyJack · 02/08/2018 08:20

Is he actually at rock bottom in the sense of his mental health- or is he having problems with his flat mates because they don’t put up with his drug use, messiness and poor money management? Or maybe they’re all as bad as each other?

If it’s just flat mates issues, then you won’t be doing him any favours if you let him move back in. He needs to learn to behave like an adult at some point, and 24 is as good a time as any.

IKnowItsTIMHONKSTIMHONKS · 02/08/2018 08:21

I'd be saying he could come back if he gave up the weed. One tiny little whiff that he's at it again and he's out.

Mmer · 02/08/2018 08:21

I would agree, only if he met your conditions.

EvaHarknessRose · 02/08/2018 08:21

I am not sure sitting down to talk about it will work for anyone - unless you already intend to say yes. He will get false hopes dashed and you will feel more awful.

Say you have thought about it, you love him, you will help him access support, but its a no to living together until he can evidence being clean, and then it would be short term time limited.

If you think he is a risk to himself, speak to GP, hospital or services, or get him to. Its really not fair on yourself to feel responsible for his feelings and actions towards himself for perpetuity.

Fatted · 02/08/2018 08:23

I think that fact that you've come on here to ask means you already know deep down it's not the right thing to do.

How will moving back in help him to get back on his feet? You will be doing everything for him. As harsh as it sounds, he needs to learn how to make his own way in the world. If you take him back, he will never learn how to do it himself.

Juells · 02/08/2018 08:25

Why not suggest that he rents somewhere closer to you, so he can drop in whenever he wants? If he wants the security of home that would help, without freeing up money for weed.

I wouldn't allow him back home under any circumstances.

Fruitbatdancer · 02/08/2018 08:25

Is he prepared to pay you the same as he’s paying currently for shared house? That would be an indicator to me! Is it so awful he’d rather be (paying) to be home, or is it just extra pot money he wants? I suspect the latter.

Original poster
GillGro · 02/08/2018 08:25

I think you're right - all so wise! I guess I could easily advise the parent of a 2 year old! So grateful I came on here - the overwhelming majority say "no", and you're right at 24, I was married, with a mortgage and a very good job - he does need to grow up.

OP posts:
Ennirem · 02/08/2018 08:26

I think it's worth asking him what he would expect to be able to do to improve his situation at home that he can't do in his shared flat. Ask him what he wants to be able to do with the money he would save, how he plans to invest it in his betterment.

If he has no idea, or you think he's bullshitting you, then do not let him move back in. He is not asking because he wants help, he is asking because it would make it easier for him to buy drugs. It is that simple.

Continue to offer him as much help as you feel able, go with him to the GP etc... but unless there is a concrete plan for change it is tough for him to wriggle out of, don't let him back in your home. He may not like living in the shared house, but at least the rent is taking up some of his disposable income to prevent it all going on weed, and if he leaves it, goes back to his old ways and you chuck him out again (as you should) he may struggle to find anything as good.

I can't imagine how hard this is for you though, I can't imagine that one day my 18 month old might seem like such a stranger to me, and that I wouldn't be doing the right thing just to do whatever she wanted to make her happy. Flowers to you x

theveryhighlife · 02/08/2018 08:26

It can't be easy to have asked to come home.
I'd let him home. Boundaries need to be set. He needs to get some support for his problems.
Re going to counselling. It's important to find a therapist who works for him.
I saw a TERRIBLE therapist when I was about 22. She said some very hurtful and damaging things. Years later I can see how awful she was. I wish I'd had the courage at the time to report her.

Mumminmum · 02/08/2018 08:27

Do not let him move back in. You have a life too and it does not sound as if he is planning for it to be a temporary solution. Even if he didn't use drugs it would not be a good idea. He just wants to use you. He wants to live in shared accommodation with a housekeeper who will take his crap and not hold him accountable.

If you let him move back in you risk the break down of your marriage, financial problems and getting a lot more chores.

Starlight345 · 02/08/2018 08:27

I wouldn’t my ex h smoked cannabis . I kicked him out once came back . Same thing . Obviously different to Ds but no clean , see’s go before allowed home.

kateandme · 02/08/2018 08:29

sort out things you can control.so he will give you rationaly rationed part of his wages.
maybe there are a few chores he has to do for you all.
certain things like cooking a meal a week or getting the shopping in.
but if you agree to take him in you need to be a mum who is aware that depression is in an illness.so you cant force him to take thrapy before he comes home.just like you cant force a patient with cancer to be rid of 10% of their tumour before they see you.its an illness like any other so wont be gone with force or pushing.you will need to knows he is poorly so will be coming in all his bad and good days.
you could definitely tell him you wont give up on tyring to get help.that you need to look at the options together.be helpful,supportive.but you cant force him.you can make that a threat that if hes not well enough for your home he cant come.it will add more pain and pressure to the situation.he will fail then for sure.
you can of course say you need to be clean.no drugs.
that he needs to be bringing his plates down everyday or giving you washing.
then its about supporting.so suggesting works.suggesting thing to do as a family.asking him to help out at home.get him to do an online ou course or some mindfulness.but that need to be in a supporting role not in threat to whether he will be kicked out if he doesn't.
asking someone with depression to get 5 sessions of therapy et as pp have suggested is rather cruel.sometimes its just not possible.and ok then its up to yo uwhther you want him in his current state to be with you.but putting this on him.oh that would be such a thing to ask of someone in a whole.
always help.always push to a point.but this being whether he can come hom on how well enough he is.no.you cant do that.
being clean of drugs saying none in your house is definitely something you can say though.