To find my children's friend's 'accidents' really irritating

[Thingiebob]

My children have a friend who lives directly opposite. They are the same age, same school but in different classes. They play together all the time at school and in the evenings and seem to enjoy it. She's 8 and I really want to like her but I am starting to find her quite annoying. She does stuff that drives me up the wall and actively affects my two. I'm close with her mum and I really don't want to fall out as we will be living opposite her for a long time, but she is starting to drive me nuts...

She's not REALLY naughty but has a tendency to just do stuff for no real reason. When I talk to her about it she always claims it was an 'accident'. For example, she chucked my youngest's shoes into a neighbour's garden and made him promise not to tell me. He did tell me the following day in tears after I had searched high and low for them. (He is quite young) When I gently talk to her about it, she runs off home and then I have to deal with her mum who always comes over to inform me it was an 'accident'.

She often damages or breaks my daughter's toys so now I've asked DD to not take anything expensive or dear to her out to play.

She can be quite rough - pushing and grabbing my two quite roughly. I've seen it with my own eyes. It's not an accident but again she always insists it is when I ask her to be more gentle. They'll be playing a game together then out of the blue she'll just yank DDs hair. The other day she hit her between her legs. To make things awkward she is currently being assessed for ASD and Sensory Integration Disorder so I know we all need to be patient with her but some days I want to keep her away from my children.

Other times they play happily together for hours. Her mum has told me that playing with my two has made a real difference to her dd's social skills and confidence and I have seen her behaviour improve over time. I can see the child is benefiting, and I am very proud of my two for how patient and kind they are with her. They are also very fond of her and enjoy hanging out with her, but sometimes they want a break and want to play together and practice their shared hobby. On these occasions she cries, goes home and tells her mum my two are being mean because they won't play with her despite my two always suggesting she joins them. She hates their hobby and refuses to do it. I then get her mum knocking on the door telling me my two are ignoring her DD and could I have a word with them. This has happened twice now and I fear I am going to snap soon as I feel she is not entitled to my kids spare time all the time. Her mum ignores her behaviour.

I HATE that she irritates me so much. It makes me feel horrid as she's not a bad kid and she's had a tough time lately. She can be sweet, fun and good-natured and then she'll do something like deliberately draw all over DD's book or throw her food around. The other day she poured DS's entire juice carton down the drain... accident apparently.

Any advice on how to manage this sensitively?

It sounds like she has never been taught consequences, and any broken toy etc is written off as an accident. When she is at your house, I think you need to set boundaries and abide by them.

Also, set boundaries with the mum also, and stick,to,you guns.

Boundaries. For mum and child.
In your circumstances I would send her home after every accident. Speak to mum first maybe and say how hurting your dc is not on.

I'd be tempted to let them play but remove your DDs from the situation when these 'accidents' happen. It's good for her to play with your DDs but they need to be protected from being mistreated and have some time for hobbies too. There needs to be a balance.

Tell her mum that your children need some space, it is not their job to socialise her dd. I would send her straight home if anymore "accidents"happen. Bring her home and tell her mum you can't have that kind of behaviour in your house. It is hurting your children on purpose, this whole accident claim is giving her dd a go ahead to do it again. Send her home next time and be firm with the mom as to why.

Could you sit down with the mum and explain this over a cup of tea, just you two?

Explain in really gentle terms what you’ve seen her DD do and whilst you sympathise with the situation (re the assessment) that it’s impacting the children unfairly at times.

Really lay it on thick that the children would perhaps value quality play times over quantity as they have a few things now they’d like to concentrate on in the hols...

When the Mum knocks just say, my two are tired now, they need some alone time. And that’s all - that is enough.

As for accidents I’ve no idea. A boy in my sons class does the same and my DS has totally lost patience and says openly that he doesn’t want him to come near him any more. Also listening for suggestions.

Perhaps “if you can’t play carefully and learn how to look out for and stop accidents happening, perhaps you won’t be able to play with the barbie/bike/chainsaw”

It isn't your responsibility to parent this child, neither should your children feel obliged to play with her.

The mother is completely unreasonable and I would discourage the friendship and slowly withdraw. It isn't healthy for your children.

Time for straight talking.

I'd perhaps prewarn the mum when your DC's want hobby time/time without friend - just text 'X will have to come home at 4.30/in 5 minutes as A & B will be cooking/crafting' so she knows your kids aren't being horrible, just doing something different.

My DS3 age 7 is ?ASD and he always feels people are 'being mean' if they don't want to do exactly what he wants - it's a struggle to see things from different perspectives

Thank you. I'm usually quite assertive but for some reason I'm really struggling with this situation. I think it is because I know the mum well and I can't bear any bad feeling between us. She's lovely and is going through a really tough divorce at the moment. I know she is struggling with her daughter.

Readyfortheschoolholidays - she's not what I would describe as a yobbish brat. She's an only child who I think is quite spoiled.

I do think and agree that taking her home each and every time she does it is a good option. It'll teach the child that despite her mother allowing this with no consequences, there is one anyway.

ASD is NO excuse for allowing this, my kid has ASD and I'm right on his behaviour at all times more than with my other 2 ever needed. You have to be consistent so there's no room for doubt. Her mother needs to get on the beam or she's going to know pain through the teens.

I don’t have any suggestions but just wanted to say what a difficult situation this must be.
Ultimately you have to look out for your own children. I would maybe talk to the mom

I think you need to put some clear boundaries in place. She can only play at certain times and if «accidents» happen, it’s time for her to go home as you all need a break. Her Mother will just have to deal with it. It might be a good thing if you snapped.

My kids are not horrible. I know every parent thinks that, but I have put a lot of time and effort into teaching them to share, be respectful to others and be kind. I am often only a few feet away when they are all playing in the garden so I hear and see what happens. It's ALWAYS the girl who has done something. I've taught my daughter to say 'no' firmly and if the behaviour doesn't stop then to come in. She has done it a few times and bizarrely the mum comes and taps on my door and gives me a sob story about how her daughter is now crying and sad etc...

She's an intelligent woman, I don't understand how she can be so wilfully blind to her daughters behaviour! Thank you for letting me vent!

It’s tough one but your kids don’t need to be thrown under the bus for the development of another child.

If you genuinely want to salvage the relationship with your friend I’d sit down with a coffee away from the kids and gently explain the situation.

Tell her you care about them both but it’s getting unfair on your dc

Hope you get it sorted

It does sound like there are a few asd or adhd traits which makes managing the behaviour tricky.
However, you can manage her mum. When her mum comes over saying your children are ignoring her DD simply say they aren't ignoring her they are doing their hobby or that they have simply had enough of playing out for now. They might be out later.
Also, going out for the day with your children reduces the available time for contact.

I think you need to start being a bit more honest and less nice! Her SEN will make things more difficult and you and your dds are doing your best to include her. But that doesn’t mean tolerating anything and anything

It was an accident (from child) - We don’t pull hair, accident or not, do not do it again
It was an accident (from parent) - but if she hadn’t been being rough/silly it wouldn’t have happened. Everyone has a responsibility to prevent accidents
Your kids are ignoring her - no, they’re doing their hobby, she is welcome to join them

It would appear she struggles with impulse control which is not your job to fix but I do think you need to stick up for your girls a bit.

Sod the bad feeling ... this kid is running amok over your little ones possessions and feelings... you need to tell the Mother it's not appropriate my lovely... you know this..

alternatively... every time she breaks something.. her Mum should be told so she can pay for the accidental breakage.. actions and consequences Mum

you need to enforce boundaries.

your children are not there to provide therapy or development opportunities for this girl.

your children are relying on you setting and enforcing acceptable boundaries.

your children will take their cue from you. it's worrying that in your post you seem to feel it's not ok to enforce boundaries with the mum because she's going through a divorce etc.

so what if she is? i understand you wanting to be fair/reasonable/a good friend, but this shouldn't come at the cost of anyone crossing acceptable boundaries that you're not comfortable with.

you're setting a really, really bad example of learned behaviour for your children if you continue down this path.

everyone has the right to protect themselves emotionally first, just because someone may be going through something distressing or difficult or may have variables influencing the situation (like the medical diagnoses you're mentioning)... but not at the cost to yourself or your children.

please don't show them that others' needs come first at a cost to you any more.

Indulging her child is probably how she makes it through the day. It must be horrible for her to witness her dd having difficulties socialising.

I think having agreements with your children as to which toys are hidden away and times/days to do their own hobby is a good idea.

I also think you should spell it out to her mother that they’re not being mean. They’re taking it in turns to play games and do things the other children enjoy but her dd doesn’t want to do the same so rather than causing upset you’re scheduling time for them to participate in their hobby together.

As for hurting your children or misbehaving. Yes, tell her it’s not acceptable and you are now taking her home. Her mother can say what she likes to the girl behind closed doors but your children must be protected.

How old are they?

I actually tell them off for accidents if it was a stupid one and they’ve been warned before. Especially at 8. I’d be firmer on that, “if you hurt my DC’s one more time, you can go home till you can learn to be more careful.”

Lack of boundaries is the issue here. Many children have additoonal needs and don't act like that.
Call me cynical, but it sounds like Mum overindulges and has no boundaries and now is desperate for a diagnosis to allow her to 'blame' something else.

By the time this child is in school I can almost guarantee that it'll be 'my child was just.. my child wasn't bullying because they have... you can't give a detention to them because... it was a misunderstanding...'

I doubt the mother is blind to her child's behavior, it is just more convenient for her to have them over at yours. So she pretends there is no problem, which leaves you with the problem.

Send the child home consistently immediately upon an "accident". If her mother comes over to tell you it was just an "accident", you need to tell her that you can't allow so many accidents to happen to your children and their possessions.

I suspect that the prospect of losing such convenient friends (especially since the child seems to spend a lot of time at your house) will propel the mother into addressing the issues.

Do your children go to play at her house? If so, how does that go?