To find my children's friend's 'accidents' really irritating

[Thingiebob]

My children have a friend who lives directly opposite. They are the same age, same school but in different classes. They play together all the time at school and in the evenings and seem to enjoy it. She's 8 and I really want to like her but I am starting to find her quite annoying. She does stuff that drives me up the wall and actively affects my two. I'm close with her mum and I really don't want to fall out as we will be living opposite her for a long time, but she is starting to drive me nuts...

She's not REALLY naughty but has a tendency to just do stuff for no real reason. When I talk to her about it she always claims it was an 'accident'. For example, she chucked my youngest's shoes into a neighbour's garden and made him promise not to tell me. He did tell me the following day in tears after I had searched high and low for them. (He is quite young) When I gently talk to her about it, she runs off home and then I have to deal with her mum who always comes over to inform me it was an 'accident'.

She often damages or breaks my daughter's toys so now I've asked DD to not take anything expensive or dear to her out to play.

She can be quite rough - pushing and grabbing my two quite roughly. I've seen it with my own eyes. It's not an accident but again she always insists it is when I ask her to be more gentle. They'll be playing a game together then out of the blue she'll just yank DDs hair. The other day she hit her between her legs. To make things awkward she is currently being assessed for ASD and Sensory Integration Disorder so I know we all need to be patient with her but some days I want to keep her away from my children.

Other times they play happily together for hours. Her mum has told me that playing with my two has made a real difference to her dd's social skills and confidence and I have seen her behaviour improve over time. I can see the child is benefiting, and I am very proud of my two for how patient and kind they are with her. They are also very fond of her and enjoy hanging out with her, but sometimes they want a break and want to play together and practice their shared hobby. On these occasions she cries, goes home and tells her mum my two are being mean because they won't play with her despite my two always suggesting she joins them. She hates their hobby and refuses to do it. I then get her mum knocking on the door telling me my two are ignoring her DD and could I have a word with them. This has happened twice now and I fear I am going to snap soon as I feel she is not entitled to my kids spare time all the time. Her mum ignores her behaviour.

I HATE that she irritates me so much. It makes me feel horrid as she's not a bad kid and she's had a tough time lately. She can be sweet, fun and good-natured and then she'll do something like deliberately draw all over DD's book or throw her food around. The other day she poured DS's entire juice carton down the drain... accident apparently.

Any advice on how to manage this sensitively?

This is a more compassionate response than 'ghosting' and will model appropriate tolerance whilst maintaining personal boundaries

Toatally disagree - the mother in this situation has no boundaries - coming over to tell OP her daughter is sad and all these things are 'accidents'
Most parents would say to their own kids - OPs children are allowed to play different games. OPs children don't want to play when you're rough - OP is allowed to send you home when you don't play nice. Of coarse X is sad because you broke her toy - Yes you must apologize for throwing the shoes in the next garden.

These are typical responses when children misbehave but the Mother isn't doing any of that - she's making it OPs problem by telling her that her daughters upset and agrees it wasn't intentional

It's not for OP to put into practice additional boundaries for the child - but for the mother to respect those boundaries

Ds6 has been diagnosed with dcd/dyspraxia already and meets all his targets with help from technology as his gross and fine motor as well as balance is affected. In terms of maths and reading he is really ahead and that causes his own issues.
He also has some stimming issues and his speech although good is repetitive with some ‘tone issues’ as his voice is unusually high.
Anything out of the ordinary can make him shut down and he also has some sensory issues as he is both a sensory seeker and an avoider.
Loud noise and too many people close can lead to shut downs. There’s also a long list of other issues and that is why we are heading for assessment but as he is already diagnosed with dcd and sensory issues and is thought to be HLP it could just be those issues causing the issues. In lots of cases with ASD it becomes an alphabet soup diagnosis situation.

She doesn’t seem to have concerns about your friendship when she advocates for her daughter, coming to tell you she is sad etc. You shouldn’t have any inhibitions in doing the same for your children. If you don’t, who will? And if she really values your friendship, your speaking up for your kids won’t affect it

Well we've had more issues tonight but I kept in mind all the advice I've received and think I managed it in a more effective manner. It resulted in a huge epic meltdown outside my house and her house, with her Mum standing by not doing much. It was rather bizarre as normally I know her Mum would have hurried her indoors so I can't help feel Mum let it play out deliberately. I had to sit on my hands indoors as normally I would go out and ask if everything was ok, but I realised quite quickly that I think her Mum wants me to do that, so she could start the whole 'oh she just wants to play with your children', sob story again.

It happened because my DD was riding on her scooter and the child came out and quickly got pissed off that DD wasn't playing with her. She insisted that my DD HAD to play with her then started trying to grab her and stop her riding. My DD put the scooter down, came in and told me immediately. Child ran off as soon as I appeared and next thing I know she is screaming and crying so loudly the whole street could hear. Weirdly her Mum opened the front door and came out with her crying and screaming. I fully expected her to knock on my door but she didn't, she just stood outside with her DD as she sobbed and sobbed.

My poor kids didn't know what to do. My DD came in and was very worried that this was her fault in some way. I assured her she had done nothing wrong and was not responsible for her friend's tears. I steadfastly ignored the whole spectacle.

Husband came home and says that he thinks friend is really struggling and was hoping I would intervene and tell my DD to play with her, but was too embarrassed to ask.

Dear God, she’s a piece of work.
It’s definately time to step back. You have to set an example to your own children that their needs are important too. They can be kind but don’t need to be self sacrificing.

She really isn't helping her daughter at all, no matter what diagnosis is given.
Keep empowering your children.

Wonder if friend has read this thread?

I think what’s happened here is that the child genuinely feels that she is harddone by when your DDs don’t want to play. The mum is indulgent because she’s having a hard time and probably doesn’t fully understand how annoying it can be for other kids constantly having to pay someone else attention when they want to play alone. Some children don’t like playing alone, she sounds like one of them. Which is fine - but the mum needs to see that it’s tiresome and give the kid some resilience. Not stand on the doorstep guilt tripping you and your kids in to playing with her. That is very strange.

Yes I feel it was guilt tripping.

Petalflowers Your point?

Surely if she hurts your children, accident or not (I’m thinking not) then there can still be a sanction. Maybe send her home if it happens. Don’t need to tell her off just say that’s not nice, home time. Etc etc every time and I’ll bet these ‘accidents’ soon stop

on the positive side, it sounds like your DD did just the right thing.

I would be much more worried if she'd ended up having to play with her after being hurt, to keep the peace. It would be superficially less uncomfortable but that wouldn't make it right.

If the mum and/or daughter comes round tomorrow, it would be worth mentioning the grabbing specifically. You do need to state the behaviours explicitly, otherwise the narrative on their side will be all woe is me, next door children are picking on her.

Yes I just need to be more firm. My kids like playing with her when she behaves and they get along fine. My oldest daughter is quite independent though and often wants to just ride around on her scooter or her bike. There is a green area near us and often she and her sibling want to practice their gymnastics. It's tricky. Anyway now I am worrying that I given too much detail and this will be read by her Mum. I have no idea if she is a MNer!

Urk! Should I get this thread removed?

I think this situation comes up quite often - I wouldn’t think this would be all that identifying.

My goodness, that was deliberate in the mums part, you did well not playing into it and reassuring g you did it was not her fault.gbe mum is doing her Dr no favours behaving like this.shd sounds dislike aright cf.she might be struggling but that is not you or your kids problem. She needs to find out what support she can access.

Only that the mums behaviour has changed, and she didn’t knock on the door as normal.

There is one woman who calls to the door like this, I just say ‘ I’m not getting involved with children’s arguments’

And I shut my mouth. That’s hard!!

Another woman I know, she point blank refuses to get her daughter assessed, her daughter does all the things you described, (even pinching other children’s faces) it’s clear to everyone, teachers and family that the little one has profound special needs but the mother just looks the other way and let’s everyone else sort it out. The results are that the child is on the verge of getting expelled and has no friends.

Slightly different that your neighbour IS getting her child assessed and hopefully things will improve then if she gets the right support.

If the girl tried to physically stop your DD playing on her scooter that is quite a worry. When words didn't get what she wanted she tried getting physical with your DD. I don't think this little girl's social abilities are coming on as fast as you or her mother think. She needs those assessments and she really needs structure and supervision in social situations.

Husband came home and says that he thinks friend is really struggling

Well that's not very suppprtive and he's guilt tripping you as well!

You need to be clear with DH that this child is hurting yours, is round too much, and is causing you problems

It’s not your job to fix that poor child, it’s her wet lettuce of a mother that needs to do that. And it does sound like the girl needs help and support. She could have hurt your DD. Enough is enough.

Wet lettuce!

No my DH thinks I should stop my two from playing with the other girl or at least me more firm. He wasn’t intentionally trying to guilt trip me.

In that case you did stand firm today by not running out and dealing with the fallout

Mum is probably cross that you didn't! it that's good!

Keep doing the same

Good for you: explain your planned handling to DH and get him on board.

If she does try to initiate a conversation about it you need to say that your dd wanted to play on her scooter and her dd wanted her to stop and play with her and resorted to physically trying to stop her. You aren’t going to force your child to stop doing something she enjoys just to suit another person particularly if they can’t accept no for an answer and resort to physically stopping her. In your opinion your daughter did nothing wrong. If they both mutually agree to play together doing an activity they both agree to that’s fine but you’re not going to force her to stop another activity against her will just because her daughter wants her to.

Well done, OP, don't be guilt tripped.

I agree with what Berthatydfil said.

Her mother may not be aware that she was grabbing your DD on her scooter in which case her mother does need to be told. You could add that you are sure friend didn't mean any harm but if she doesn't understand it's unsafe then she or your DD could get really hurt, you are responsible for the DD's safety, and if friend can't play out safely you wont be able to let your DDs play out with her any more. I am sure it is part of the girl's disability and it is very hard for a parent to hear that their child's disability makes them unsafe around other children but sometimes that's just how it is. There doesn't have to be any blame or accusation.

I would not expect the little girl to change in the short term. So it would probably be helpful if you decide what amount of play (if any) and supervision are acceptable to you and to your DDs, and just go and tell her mother what that is. You set the conditions.