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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want my adult children to celebrate retirement with a holiday together?

218 replies

asswindandfire · 27/06/2018 22:21

My husband retires in September and we wanted to take our two children (they are adults ( 24 & 27) on a 5 day holiday to celebrate with us and have a little time together, we are footing the bill.
My children both work full time, no kids yet and have enough spare holidays after their own commitments. They will need to use three holiday days each.

My daughter and her other half are fine with this arrangement but my sons girlfriend feels put out that partners are not invited and has given my son a very hard time about it.

Since they are really quite serious, been together for four years, and live together planning to marry in the future, I don't want to become one of "those" awful mother's in law I read about on here. (Incidentally they do have a holiday themselves booked in July.)

I also really miss my kids, we all live in different cities and would love a few days in their company and a holiday like the old days, enjoying ourselves together.
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
pinkhorse · 27/06/2018 22:25

I would have invited partners as your 'children' are adults. Why didn't you invite partners?

agedknees · 27/06/2018 22:26

In the nicest possible way yabu. My dd has a partner. They come as a couple now. We invite both to things. If dds dh can’t make it, it’s fine, but we always invite both of them.

By the way, retirement is great!!!

Reallylosingitthistime · 27/06/2018 22:26

Yes I think you are.

squirrelnutkins1 · 27/06/2018 22:27

I'd be annoyed for not being invited if I was the other half....

Dermymc · 27/06/2018 22:28

Why would you not invite them?

WineGummyBear · 27/06/2018 22:28

Want your kids to come YANBU

Not inviting their long-term partner YABU

Astrid2 · 27/06/2018 22:28

I would assume my OH was invited on a family holiday. Wouldn't expect him to be paid for but definitely wouldn't think I would go without him!

NewYearNewMe18 · 27/06/2018 22:29

I can see both sides on this one … but you are excluding partners and that sends a message out (to future DIL) that they aren't important, where as SonIL is probably quite relieved !

TBH it's a bit, well, you know cant-cut-the-apron-stringsy to only invite your children.

Fridakahlofan · 27/06/2018 22:30

Yabu I think. I get 28 days holiday and so it is precious, my priority is my partner as holidays are so important in a relationship. I'd love to go on a break with both him and my parents though!

Brunsdon1 · 27/06/2018 22:30

Yabvu your D.C. partners are their partners...this may not be but certainly will come across as a smack in the teeth

It really isn't wise at all to push for this and I would question why you want this

EmiliaAirheart · 27/06/2018 22:30

Agreed, you see it as them having enough holidays to do what they like as well - but I doubt they would consider themselves as having too much annual leave!

Also, you are all adults now. The nuclear family you made is not necessarily their foremost family now. You want a nice holiday with your partner and adult offspring, but those adult offspring might also want their partners around too. It shouldn’t be your call.

Do the right thing and let each adult decide for themselves (contributing financially if that’s an issue). You may well get lucky, as many a daughter- or son-in-law will be perfectly happy for their partner to spend a longer break with their parents without them.

Newtothis2017 · 27/06/2018 22:30

I have to disagree. I don't think yabu. It is different with partners so can understand just wanting your dc. I hope your ds's girlfriend become one of those dil😉

HemanOrSheRa · 27/06/2018 22:31

I really don't think you can do this sort of thing without inviting your child's partner. My Dad did similar for his 70th and partners were invited. DP comes from a HUGE family. Partners are ALWAYS invited. Whether they choose to run the gauntlet of of massive get together is up to them Grin. But always invited.

KurriKurri · 27/06/2018 22:31

I wouldn't dream of asking my DS to come on holiday with me without my DDIL, his wife. Why don't you want their partners to come ? - I think it is actually quite rude to exclude them.

You saying that you want a holiday like the old days, in their company, enjoying yourselves together, suggests that you feel the fact they have partners has rather spoilt your relationship with them, and it doesn't really sound as if you see thier partners as part of the family. Which is very hurtful for the partners.

The fact they have a holiday booked is irrelevant - this isn't about having or not having a holiday, it's about you not wanting them around so that you can enjoy yourself like in the old days when your children were all yours and you didn;t have to share them.

Children grow up, they move on they get other significant people in their lives, and it's important to treat those new people with love and respect and make them feel welcome (not tolerated), if you want to maintain a good relationship.

Brunsdon1 · 27/06/2018 22:31

At the risk of being harsh this is sort of a classic nightmare MIL move (although you don't sound like you really are )

TroubledLichen · 27/06/2018 22:32

I agree with the others that have said you should have invited the partners.

everybodylovescake · 27/06/2018 22:32

Yes you are.

IlikemyTeahot · 27/06/2018 22:33

but they are footing the bill?

postcardsfrom · 27/06/2018 22:34

Surprised at these answers!I don’t think YABU actually, and that it’s fine to do this as a little family unit as it will be the last time probably before they get married, start having kids. Do it now while you still can.

MissVanjie · 27/06/2018 22:34

I’d have invited partners tbh

I have had many holidays with my folks and sister as adults but our partners were always invited, then dc when they came along, so it’s a nice tradition to start imo

Of course it’s up to you but don’t be put out in the future if your ds and dil have their own dc and don’t see you as part of that family unit....

AmazingPostVoices · 27/06/2018 22:34

At 24yo I was married. I’d have thought it deeply odd if my parents invited me on holiday (or anywhere really) without my DH.

I do think it strange that you wouldn’t invite their partners.

Babysharkstuckinmyhead · 27/06/2018 22:34

I think I’m going against the flow here, but I’d be quite happy for my dh to go off with his parents for a few days. I go for a girlie weekend with my mum every year and he doesn’t bother his shirt. We love spending time together, but we are not attached at the hip.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/06/2018 22:35

YABU I’m afraid. Are you sure your daughter is okay with it?

I adore my parents and have had a weekend away with just my mum but my husband is my priority and I’d enjoy a holiday far more with him as well!

pasturesgreen · 27/06/2018 22:35

I can promise it won't be 'like the old days', it never is. I see where you're coming from, but a family holiday with your adult children in the circumstances sounds like a recipe for disaster.

pallisers · 27/06/2018 22:36

I'd have invited partners too OP.

I can see how you wanted just the 4 of you for old time's sake but that works for a dinner maybe (although I can't see my in laws not inviting me to dinner tbh) but not for a 5 day holiday. If I were you I'd go back to your kids and say "look I didn't think this through completely - we'd love your partners to come too if they want - but understand if they don't"

I think you need to understand that the days of the 4 of you are gone - you now have other people in your family. That is a good thing.

You may still find your son and future dil think 5 days away with you might be too much.

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