To want my adult children to celebrate retirement with a holiday together?

[asswindandfire]

My husband retires in September and we wanted to take our two children (they are adults ( 24 & 27) on a 5 day holiday to celebrate with us and have a little time together, we are footing the bill.
My children both work full time, no kids yet and have enough spare holidays after their own commitments. They will need to use three holiday days each.

My daughter and her other half are fine with this arrangement but my sons girlfriend feels put out that partners are not invited and has given my son a very hard time about it.

Since they are really quite serious, been together for four years, and live together planning to marry in the future, I don't want to become one of "those" awful mother's in law I read about on here. (Incidentally they do have a holiday themselves booked in July.)

I also really miss my kids, we all live in different cities and would love a few days in their company and a holiday like the old days, enjoying ourselves together.
Am I being unreasonable?

I would have been really hurt if my MIL had done this to me at that time in our lives. If she had it is unlikely I would have supported her coming on holiday with us which she has since done a couple of times. Be careful with the dynamic you are setting up.

We are having a big family holiday to celebrate retirement this year. We are footing the bill for a villa for one week and all children, spouses and grand children are included.

This is because they are ALL family and our little family has grown and evolved into so much more.

Invite the partners and open your hearts and minds to embrace your future.

To be fair, the partners might have been cheesed off if they had been invited too, as it wouldn't be their ideal way to spend their hols. So you probably can't win but I agree you should have at least given them the option to come along if they wanted to.

Oh op I feel for you. My own DC's are still young enough to be at home and I'm not looking forward to 'losing ' them - I understand your wish to be just your little family again, especially as your son's OH is a girlfriend not a wife - it isn't too much to ask that he spend a few days with you surely?

YABU, I'm afraid. It's really quite mean to leave your son's partner on her own. We've taken our adult children away on holiday two or three times; since DS began living with his partner she's come along too, we wouldn't dream of leaving her out.

I like both their partners they are lovely people.
I come from a close knit family and have often gone on trips with my kids and parents when my husband couldn't make it due to work and vice versa. We are both from large families and it's important to show up for things, at least one of us if it can't be all of us.
I didn't think it was a big deal, I've been away just my daughter and I, with my mother and my husband has taken the kids to my parents who live overseas alone too when I had work commitments.
I just didn't see it as such a big deal.

If you want your future DIL (because it seems like that is what she is) to treat YOU like family, you need to start treating HER like family. Ditto your other child’s partner

I get where you're coming from but YABU. They've been together 4 years, not 4 weeks. If that was me I'd assume that I wasn't liked TBH. For all intents and purposes she's part of your family now!

Totally sympathise OP, but I can see how not including them on this special occasion might set a strange precedent.

In our family everyone would feel resentful but no one would say anything... maybe it's best you know now!

I think you have made a wise decision, OP.

I can see you mean well but YADBU. Also they will be happiest with partners and it's a great time to bond as the 6 of you.

Living together in your 20s today is yesteryear's married in your 20s (then divorced in your 30s/40s).

If you married young (or in your 20s) how would you have felt then about your PIL inviting your husband and their other children on a celebratory event holiday, leaving you at home? That's how it will feel to your DS's partner. The fact they aren't married doesn't mean they are any the less committed, especially after 4 years and living together.

It also sends a message that you see your family unit as being 4 when it really is 6 (obviously it's fine in your own head or behind closed doors but for the sake of future relations, it really doesn't bode well to take an action which proves you still think like that).

I think it sounds like a lovely idea. I have been away with my parents and sister a few times, leaving DH at home. We have also been away with my parents, grandma, sister, DH and DS as a large group, and even my parents' friends. It's no different to going away with your own friends without your DP - most people on here would say that couples don't have to spend every holiday together and it's fine to go away with your pals, so why not your folks? As long as your dc are also able to go away with their partners in the year I think its not a problem. It doesn't mean my parents don't think the world of DH, just that sometimes they want to see me on my own and I want to be with them without DH or even DS.

Oh and we have been together nearly 20 years...

candlewithhair sums it up nicely. Do you see her as part of your family?

Honestly though OP, you keep saying you and your husband have been away alone when the other has work commitments. The reason your children’s partners aren’t coming isn’t because of work commitments. It’s because you haven’t invited them. I can see why they’re a bit put out.

I find this thread really interesting. I read it out to my husband for his view, and he wisely pointed out I would have felt differently 10 years ago when we were pre children.
Then, I would have taken it personally as though In laws didn't want me around (immaturely, I see now). I would have been offended. Now, I have children and can 100% understand your perspective. I feel a little sad for you that your sons GF feels the way she does. My IL wouldn't have been concerned about my feelings though, they would have charged on. So in that respect you're already a step ahead in protecting future relationships. I hope you have a wonderful holiday together and still manage to get some quality time with your children.

It's not a big deal to have time away with just your kids and it will likely happen that way over the years. I've had many trips to my parents and gone on holiday with them without my DH and there's no problem woo that. It's just not okay to plan a holiday and specifically exclude the partners. If you do that then you'll set the tone that you don't really regard them as family.

When you talk about your previous trips OP, you are talking about small children. This is quite different. You've sent a very clear message to their partners and it's not a nice one

They're grown adults in long relationships, YABU. Bit weird.

aswindandfire You said "....when my husband couldn't make it due to work and vice versa." AH BUT - your husband not making it was his own choice, he was being invited but couldn't make it is different to not being invited at all!!

I do think you need to be a bit more... honest with how you see the "family unit". When serious live-in, long term partners are involved, they are the family unit and unless you want your DS to feel torn, then it's best to treat their partners just the same as you treat your own DCs. I think this is where some PILs really fail. You will reap what you sow in inclusion now. And if they don't stay together long term (some people I think are of the mindset of "what's the point, they might split up next week) then you'll have put in practice for the future, the effort/inclusion won't be wasted.

As adult children progress to serious relationships, they do come as a pair and getting on board with that fairly early on is no bad thing.

It seems it's my issue trying to recapture a little bit of the past, our little family unit together

I can relate to this and Yanbu to hanker after a few days just you and your children. I think a five day holiday is too much to ask though.
It is a bit of a snub to their partners.

My dds both live a fair distance away now, but come to visit without partners on the occasional weekend - and they also try to coincide with each other. So I get a weekend, just the 4 of us, like when they were little, and I haven't had to say a word, and also nobody's feelings are hurt.

Ive texted my son to say Im sorry I didn't see it from their perspective.
I've given them the three dates in September that are workable and they can choose and let me know.
I want to protect our relationship, I think my daughters boyfriend isn't going to come though, he was going to go away with his friends while my daughter was with us.

People who think OHs should always come, does that count if they're arseholes

I feel you OP, but BiL obviously gets invited on all holidays but as we all live a little far apart, it's the only time my sister and I get to spend with my parents. I hate it never being the 4 of us anymore and he always inserts himself into everything we do (and is moody, difficult and childish to boot) so it feels like our relationships suffer as a result.

Sucks but it's clear that popular opinion and social convention is that his inclusion comes above everyone else's enjoyment!

Good for you OP.

I'm guessing that your son had refused to go. I don't think that will change, sorry OP.