To want my adult children to celebrate retirement with a holiday together?

[asswindandfire]

My husband retires in September and we wanted to take our two children (they are adults ( 24 & 27) on a 5 day holiday to celebrate with us and have a little time together, we are footing the bill.
My children both work full time, no kids yet and have enough spare holidays after their own commitments. They will need to use three holiday days each.

My daughter and her other half are fine with this arrangement but my sons girlfriend feels put out that partners are not invited and has given my son a very hard time about it.

Since they are really quite serious, been together for four years, and live together planning to marry in the future, I don't want to become one of "those" awful mother's in law I read about on here. (Incidentally they do have a holiday themselves booked in July.)

I also really miss my kids, we all live in different cities and would love a few days in their company and a holiday like the old days, enjoying ourselves together.
Am I being unreasonable?

Great to see you take action Ass - I think you will find the wise MN crowd steered you well on this one.

It does take a conscious effort to switch your mindset from 'family of 4' to 'family of 6' or whatever. Then the grand kids come along and most of us would do anything to get a few days with them, so happy to include everyone then. Best to start the way you would like it to go on.

Have a wonderful holiday!

Just to add op you often find wen grandchildren
Come along they defiantly want you on holiday with them to have another pair of hands and the odd babysit.

I think whatever happens now, the damage has already been done and i think it will have changed your dil's attitude towards you significantly.
If you send a message that she is excluded from your family, you cannot be surprised if she then doesn't feel comfortable with you in her family (your ds and their future dcs).
There is no reward for bringing up children. It seems that quite often there is a strange expectation that a DIL should somehow be grateful to you. If you foster a good relationship, you will come to realise it is the other way round.

OP I think the new plan sounds good and hopefully you have a brilliant time.

I think you did the right thing.

When I was in my 20s I remember being incensed about Christmas plans with my my and DP’s parents assuming we’d go back separately and spend Christmasses apart in our own families. I think there was a similar sort of thing going on - both sides probably feeling like they missed the core family unit. But to me it felt like my (serious) relationship was being ignored but more importantly like I was being treated as a child. As much as my / his parents may have wanted to rewind time, this wasn’t possible and we were both adults and at the same point in their lives they were spending Christmasses and holidays with their spouses so I just wanted the same treatment.
I don’t feel like anyone ever really acknowledged the other side and because of that’s there’s still resentment and I think it’s great that you did that OP.

I love a happy ending thread.

I love the rare occasions that I have my two adult dc without partners (including mine) . It hasn’t happened for longer than a few hours in the last 20 years though.

My dh would be overjoyed to not be invited. My sisters much more recent dh would be gutted.
I go away without dh regularly for 2 to 10+ days. Dsis 5 yrs in is about to go away without hers this year.
I don’t find your original suggestion Weird but that’s due to dh being a reluctant traveller lol

Flights and hotel rooms all booked and paid for, confirmations emailed to everyone.
Ive organised a wine tasting and one dinner for us all on the Saturday night as the "retirement celebration dinner" and messaged kids and partners that they can do whatever they want the rest of the time we are there. Be with us don't be with us whatever.
I like "fluid plans" as my husband calls them, so we can all do as we please, be it get up late, breakfast, no breakfast, sightseeing, pool day etc.
Hopefully it will all work out well. Thanks for the constructive replies.

I don't understand "joined at the hip" people. And I hate the word "unit". Ugh.

There was a thread a while ago where a poster objected to her dh wanting to go out to dinner with just his siblings on the evening of his mother's funeral. Most people of course told her to back off but there was still a hardcore who were telling her to LTB as they came as a "unit".

Good luck with your holiday, asswindandfare; you sound a very decent future mil.

that sounds fab asswind ..this is something dh and I are hoping to do in a couple of years!

the fluid plans also are the best idea, no one likes to be corralled round the whole time!

This is a perfect opportunity to celebrate your life’s achievements and that includes you raising children and them in stable relationships.

Why didn't you invite partners? I would be put out too, and my DH wouldn't want to go if I wasn't invited.

OP, I think you have made a very wise decision to include partners.

I echo this:

But to me it felt like my (serious) relationship was being ignored but more importantly like I was being treated as a child.

Something quite similar happened in my 20s when DH and I were engaged and living together. His parents invited DH and his sister to join them in another country they were working in for Xmas. BIL and I were not invited. That same year, my parents invited both DH and I for Xmas with them. Guess where we spent Xmas?

MIL wanted to have her ‘family unit’ around her at Xmas. Rightly or wrongly it sent out a message that DH was her ‘child’ rather than her adult son. Regardless of my feelings, DH didn’t really want to revert to the child status in the relationship. He wanted to spend Xmas with me, not his parents and sister exclusively. It wasn’t just about spending time away from me.

Both of us are happy to visit our family without the other being there. We do it all the time.

my DH wouldn't want to go if I wasn't invited

You see, and here we have the unreasonable dil, speaking for her dh without even asking him. You see how it is often a case of six of one and half a dozen of the other in the case of mils vs. dils.

I think people who have fixed notions about who is or isn't family tend to reap what they sow.

MIL always had the attitude that I should somehow be grateful that she was allowing me to be part of her family. I didn't need her permission I was DH's family end of. Not surprisingly she is not part of our family anymore. Meh some people just don't have enough love to go round.

@beefcake - read the effing thread!

have a lovely holiday, OP.

here we have the unreasonable dil, speaking for her dh without even asking him

What makes you think the DIL doesn’t know what her husband would think to going away with his parents without his wife?

I know my DH would not like to go on holiday with his parents without me and/or our DC. I’m not being unreasonable or mean to PIL - it’s just how it is. The relationship DH with his parents is very different from the perception that MIL has of it.

Wow, I would be embarrassed to i sist on being invited somewhere knowing that someone else will have to significantly more for my flights, dinner, etc.

It sounds like a lovely visit. Hope it will go well.

Ignore the nasty comments because you sound amazingly kind and considerate.

It's very different, IMHO, excluding a girlfriend/boyfriend/partner/spouse from Christmas (or a wedding, funeral, baptism, etc) but it's not the same for any event the people want to go to.

Well done op, I think you've made the right decision.
FWIW we took out DC and their partners away for a week recently and it was a great success, we all enjoyed the extra dimension that the partners brought.

I understand why you changed your mind.

Hopefully the partner is paying her way.

I hope you have a lovely holiday OP, it sounds like it will be great fun for you all.

I expect in a few years when your DC have children of their own, they will be longing for you to come on holiday with them to help out!

You sound lovely OP

I hope you and your family have the best holiday together. It's nice to see a happy ending on AIBU

I can totally understand how you feel. My partner is retiring this year also, and I would like to do the same thing. We made the mistake of inviting my son's gf on a holiday a couple of years ago, and the holiday was ruined. She didn't want to do the things we usually do as a family, and my son was split, trying to keep her and us happy. In the end they retreated to their room as she was feeling overhwhelmed She is a lovely girl, but has a very different sort of family, and she struggled. I was really regretted having invited her, as I think we would all have had a better time if she hadn't come.

I also invited my daughter's boyfriend for Xmas , as his family don't celebrate it and my daughter specifically asked. It changed the dynamic completely. They spent most of the holiday huddled upstairs and he kept trying to change the tv channels to what he wanted to watch. It ruined Xmas.

Unfortunately, as others have said, it is not really on to invite just your children without their partners, unless its a cost issue. You could say that the hired car won't fit everyone or that the costs will escalate out of control.

It's really difficult,. but we have to accept that days as a family are over really. At least in the way they were. I wonder what your son wants?

Ah, I see you went for it after all. Hope you all have a lovely time.