To want my adult children to celebrate retirement with a holiday together?

[asswindandfire]

My husband retires in September and we wanted to take our two children (they are adults ( 24 & 27) on a 5 day holiday to celebrate with us and have a little time together, we are footing the bill.
My children both work full time, no kids yet and have enough spare holidays after their own commitments. They will need to use three holiday days each.

My daughter and her other half are fine with this arrangement but my sons girlfriend feels put out that partners are not invited and has given my son a very hard time about it.

Since they are really quite serious, been together for four years, and live together planning to marry in the future, I don't want to become one of "those" awful mother's in law I read about on here. (Incidentally they do have a holiday themselves booked in July.)

I also really miss my kids, we all live in different cities and would love a few days in their company and a holiday like the old days, enjoying ourselves together.
Am I being unreasonable?

Well daughter is coming for the full 5 days, her other half just the weekend.
Son and his partner are coming for four of the five days.
I need to rejig some plans but think this will work out well.
I shall book all their flights tomorrow.
Thanks for the input, I didn't set about to exclude the partners just honestly thought they'd not be bothered about a holiday with their other half's parents.

Sounds like you made a good decision based on the situation you're in.

For what it's worth that would have not been a big deal in my family at all. In my 20s I went away a couple of times with just my parents, brother and sister, even when they had been with their partners for years. It changed when they were married, but only because by then we knew them better and now they feel like family so it would be odd not to invite them.

We were faced with similar once.
Family tradgey
.
.. In laws said or rather presumed we would bugger off with them and we were told to pay x towards our acxmd they would pay our flight.

Or.. Go with my family member and no strict division of payments.. Far poorer family member pay what he could and we pay what we could. We went with the more casual and happier easier payment option.

Ahh nice conclusion

Have a brilliant holiday op

For 🎄 that was supposed to say

@pallisers

"I think this is very unfair. And not helpful to the OP who likes the girlfriend and presumably has many years ahead of her with this woman in her immediate family."

Yeah you are probably right, sorry OP.

"Also, it is entirely possible her son didn't fancy taking 5 days holiday to go off with his mum dad and sister - just as much as his girlfriend didn't fancy it either."

Yeah that may be true too! But that isn't very kind as he might have liked it. I guess as a mum I'd like to feel my kids would love to go away on holiday with us, even as adults. But as young 20s I might not have been keen, in my 40s and 50s I am delighted to go on holiday with anyone.

I just didn't like the idea an adult with a partner cannot do things without their partner. It just seems a bit unfair. But yeah maybe my comments were unfair, @asswindandfire ignore me!

Hands up haven’t read the whole thread but what were you thinking!

We have 6 adult kids youngest 19,

If you want a ‘family holidsy’ You include your kids partners.

End of. You have bridges to repair op I suggest you start soon.

Good update, I think that is great.

Just read the update. Good on you op.

Thier other half's parents will be their child's school grandparents at some point and with some body. Their partners are who they expected to spend exiting time with and for thier parents to approve.

It's saying.. We don't like your company's and we don't approve by choosing to exclude partners esp those of four years.

Even the royal family with strict public protocols etc has relaxed the rules!!

OP you sound absolutely lovely.
It is hurtful for a partner to be told they are not part of the "family", but you have organised everything well.

Of course, people can do things on their own, but sometimes they don't want to and enjoy spending time off with their partners too, and excluding partners is not very kind!

That's a really nice outcome OP. For what it is worth I really like my MIL, no FIL and she spends a few weeks with us a year and vice versa. She did a great job of including me in the early years and 25 years on I try and return the favour.

I love it when the op sees that they were bu and changes their mind. Well done op for taking advice and inviting the partners.

Great outcome!

When dh met me as said we had opportunity to spend Xmas with them or my relaxed easy relative x dh chose my relative. He did not want a holiday with his sister and parents he wanted something new. It was glam location.. I would have been happy to go I didn't loathe his iparents like I do now... But the barriers they put up and the rules.

Is it any surprise.. People don't want to be around barriers and rules

Hope you have a wonderful trip!

I guess as a mum I'd like to feel my kids would love to go away on holiday with us, even as adults.

me too, Italian, me too. But as I gaze at my 21 year old I realise that he may have a different viewpoint.

In some ways this thread should remind any parents with young children to really cherish the holidays/dinners/family occasions/ ordinary moments they do have together as just them

Wow, so many people dont go away without partners.

OP I dont think this is strange at all, we have done this with our young adult kids. We also been away and included their partners. You dont stop being part of the family unit you brought up in just because you are an adult.

I still go away with my mum without my DH.

It isn't the going away without partners - I have visited both my own family and DH's on my own or with just the kids. It is about extending the invitation to partners to what is planned as a celebration.

I'm like the mozzy up thread. My MIL included me from the start. We are dear friends now and have been through a lot together and I would never exclude her now.

Aw excellent OP.

It's still a family holiday, it's just that your family is growing! You can't turn your DC back into teenagers and I don't think the idea of recreating the past is a good one. But have a fantastic break celebrating the start of a new chapter.

I think that sounds just perfect OP. And you've shown you've rethought and that they are all included, which will be appreciated (and reciprocated) longer term in ways you can't yet see.

H'm, on the one hand it's your treat and you can do what you like, but on the other, your son's girlfriend probably sees it as a snub. Tbh I think it'd be sensible to invite partners. If they do get married and stay together you'll want to get on with her.

Well done ass!

pink It’s not about going away without partners per se. DH and I both go away with friends separately. I’ve even done trips with my parents without him when work didn’t allow, but he was invited which is the key difference.

Going away with both D.C. and not inviting long term partners says “you aren’t our family” which isn’t a great start to long term PIL/DCIL relationships.

I think the OP has made a very sensible decision.

Have a super holiday!

Well done, OP, and have a wonderful holiday!

I get it, I really do. My DC are a bit younger than yours but still young adults. The youngest is 18 and despite her young age has been with boyfriend for 4 years now. He always comes on holiday with us. Older DC would like it as it always used to be and I miss that too. But I know I need to treat the boyfriend as a family member. He may or may not stay with DD, but I know either way I'm laying good foundations for the future.

I have moments of nostalgia for the past and I know what you mean that one day you're this young adult with tiny children and the next you're suddenly retired and they've all grown up. But we can't go back to the old, so make the best of the new. Hopefully you'll have some amazing memories from this to look back on.

Op every year we book accommodation big enough to house our 6 kids partners and grandkids. Just Incase and most years we have 50%take up

Dh and I escape 7 days just us.

If you can afford it book and invite and see what happens but they do have their own lives and if you don’t make it like they are expected to come and be casual they often do.

Especially if you have paid