To want my adult children to celebrate retirement with a holiday together?

[asswindandfire]

My husband retires in September and we wanted to take our two children (they are adults ( 24 & 27) on a 5 day holiday to celebrate with us and have a little time together, we are footing the bill.
My children both work full time, no kids yet and have enough spare holidays after their own commitments. They will need to use three holiday days each.

My daughter and her other half are fine with this arrangement but my sons girlfriend feels put out that partners are not invited and has given my son a very hard time about it.

Since they are really quite serious, been together for four years, and live together planning to marry in the future, I don't want to become one of "those" awful mother's in law I read about on here. (Incidentally they do have a holiday themselves booked in July.)

I also really miss my kids, we all live in different cities and would love a few days in their company and a holiday like the old days, enjoying ourselves together.
Am I being unreasonable?

Have a fabulous time OP! Hopefully by the end of the trip you’ll have all had such a wonderful time together you’ll be wondering why you ever thought about having it any other way 😊

Good call, OP. Hope you all have fun.

My own mum did this when I was in my late 20s, just before me and DP had children. DP was pretty insulted, and I found it oddly claustrophobic. We didn't go.

Sorry, I meant I didn't go! Obviously he wasn't invited!

Definitely did the right thing there op!

Have a super holiday.

Another vote for a good call. It sounds as if your son's partner WANTS to be involved. So that's good too. Hope you can agree dates and all have a lovely time.

I am glad you have had a good outcome . But I was a YANBU. I couldn't see the big deal. Some posters were talking as though your children had been married for years and you were excluding a long time husband and wife whereas in fact one was an OH and one a girlfriend.

I can understand why you would want a break with your grown up children, it was only five days for god's sake and you must know if you would all get on. I guess you can take it as a compliment that your future dil wanted to come on holiday with you!

I think you sound great and I wish i was invited too .

My son called me from work and is happy with the solution, he always wanted to come but didn't want to be stuck in the middle naturally. I honestly didn't realise at the time that I'd put him In that position and apologised, I was a bit swept up in the excitement of a trip away to celebrate husbands retirement and being with my kids for a bit.
They are coming to visit next month so hopefully things will have settled and we can get on and look forward to the break away.
My son says his partner understands it wasn't malicious and has offered to pay for her flights, I've refused it was always a treat for our kids, I don't want to get into another tangle and can see from some of the other posters how these things fester in families.
I may have another issue now though as relaying this situation to my sister she has asked to come and celebrate too with her husband. Luckily we all get on very well, but the four has turned into eight in a matter of hours. I'm at the point now of the more the merrier I suppose.

My mum ignored partners until we started cohabiting and then includes them for everything (whether she wants to or not). To be clear I have lived with 1 man and he is now my husband of 12 years. My sister has lived with 3 (the first we ALL hated and were proved correct on, the second she married and later divorced and the third is lovely and she has been with for years and has kids with). My mum organised less activities when DSiSs nightmare boyf was on the scene so we wouldn't have to put up with him!

If your kids are living with and planning on spending the rest of their lives with their partners then I think YABU for not inviting them. Your family is bigger - you now have 4 kids, rejoice!

Glad you’ve found the right answer.

Dh was invited on the annual family holiday when we hadn’t long been together and he declined the invite. Next time they invited me. I didn’t know about the first holiday until after they had flown out so it was 100% his call on if to go or not no moaning about it from me or anything not that I would of at that point no children etc.

I think it’s always best to issue the invite to both that way it’s completely upto the couple if one or both of them come or any of them. I know dh wouldn’t be happy being asked to use annual leave for a holiday he wasn’t picking regardless of if it was being paid for or not without any thought to his partner.

aswind you could always put your foot down with your sister but on the other hand, it means your dcs can socialise as a group and then just the 4 of them; maybe they’ll want to go to different bars etc at night and it’s a chance for them to spend time as a foursome, likewise you & your sister & husbands. I think it all sounds great & I’m really impressed you’ve taken advice on board and smoothed things over. If your son’s partner ends up being your DIL then you’ll be glad, long term. Also her offer to pay for her own flights is a nice gesture on her part.

Have a lovely hol

asswindandfire

"I like "fluid plans" as my husband calls them, so we can all do as we please, be it get up late, breakfast, no breakfast, sightseeing, pool day etc."

I so wish my MIL liked fluid plans! Her attitude is plan everything in advance and also I know she'll get her tits out if we go on a beach holiday together. She recently proposed a holiday together and it's just not on for the reasons listed above.

I hope you all have a lovely trip together.

@asswindandfire do you want your sister there, or more to the point does your dh?

I always like doing stuff with family, but dh prefers smaller things. What would your dh like.

I didn’t think you were being unreasonable.

I think it’s a lovely thing to do. Both (my now ex) and I spent time alone with our parents. I think you’d need to feel insecure to feel excluded.

AIBU at its best

AIBU?
Yeah, a bit
Cool, thanks for your advice, I've taken it on board

Your fluid plans sound excellent. My MIL loves to have family time and spouses + children are always invited, it's just that she turns into mum-mode and wants us to be children, so totally over plans just like you might do with small children. I'm nearly at a landmark birthday, been married 16 years and have two children, DH and I do like to have some input in what we're doing, where we're going and what we're eating!!! She's lovely but just a bit full on for family holidays.

Well done OP, sounds like you'll have a relaxing time. As mentioned above, your sister and DH could give you and DH another couple to socialise with if your kids + partners are out together as a foursome.

My parents have done the same...except partners are invited. If they weren’t, I would’ve declined. I have limited holiday and funnily enough I like to spend it with my partner.

asswindandfire

You have made a wise decision. If MIL had considered DH’s feelings rather than concentrating on her own ‘wants’ we would maybe all have a better and less fraught relationship today. You are sowing the seeds for a better relationship with DS/DIL in future.

MN is a weird place sometimes and I wonder how accurately it reflects RL.

i didn't think you were being at all unreasonable, OP. DD is only 13 but I hope we sometimes get to spend time with her without her future partner/s. And I hope she finds someone mature enough not to take offence where none is intended.

I can't imagine telling one of my adult child that their partner is not included. Once they move in together, they are a couple.

But they're not superglued together!

I think it also alters the dynamic a bit (not in the OP's case, though) if one dc has a bf/gf but the other not. I have a friend who has two dcs and she said that on this occasion the ds's gf could not come with them on holiday as it would his younger brother feeling alone and awkward. (Younger dc too young to have a gf!) If a gf becomes a dw or if children come along, then obviously things change.

AHaa you're right it is strange sometimes, but in this case I think it has it right.

When you're an adult in a proper job and a LTR, time with your partner can be hard to find. Expecting your grown up relative to spend several of their precious A/L days seeing you without their partner invited basically forces your child to choose between you and their partner. It's not very nice, and seems like a battle you'd tend to lose, quite frankly. As a PP said, they had the choice of christmas at one side where the partner wasn't invited, or the other where they were both welcome. Damn right they chose the option where they could also see each other.

If my child works M-F and barely sees her partner all week, why on earth would I demand that she spend the weekend away from them too just to please me? No harm in you trying I suppose, but if you want her to be happy why wouldn't you just extend the invitation?

I think as “kids” get older, they mature and realise they don’t have to be joined to their partners hip. Some people in their 20s though still have some maturing to do, can be a bit dramatic, and feel their partner is their life. They’re new to living a Grown Up life and the novelty hasn’t warn off yet

I think as “kids” get older, they mature and realise they don’t have to be joined to their partners hip.

what a strange comment. I have been married for many years, have kids, and I really do not have any interest in spending weekends away or worst holidays away from DH!
I barely see him during the week as it is. If I am invited somewhere without him, by principle I would decline. I am perfectly able to go somewhere without him, I just don't want to.