To want my adult children to celebrate retirement with a holiday together?

[asswindandfire]

My husband retires in September and we wanted to take our two children (they are adults ( 24 & 27) on a 5 day holiday to celebrate with us and have a little time together, we are footing the bill.
My children both work full time, no kids yet and have enough spare holidays after their own commitments. They will need to use three holiday days each.

My daughter and her other half are fine with this arrangement but my sons girlfriend feels put out that partners are not invited and has given my son a very hard time about it.

Since they are really quite serious, been together for four years, and live together planning to marry in the future, I don't want to become one of "those" awful mother's in law I read about on here. (Incidentally they do have a holiday themselves booked in July.)

I also really miss my kids, we all live in different cities and would love a few days in their company and a holiday like the old days, enjoying ourselves together.
Am I being unreasonable?

I'm retiring this summer and have children the same age as yours, each of whom has a serious partner - lovely young men, both of them.
If I were planning a break like yours I'd invite the boyfriends too. I know my girls would enjoy the break more by having their partner with them. They have moved on in life, as have yours. This is the new reality. Enjoy their company, but in the context of their new set up. You can't turn back the clock.

Lovely outcome.
My parents have always invited my DH away, it really made him feel welcome.

I can also echo the point of the poster who said that when the grandkids come along they will bite your hand off to come away with you.

If I am invited somewhere without him, by principle I would decline. . This isn't romantic, it's disturbing! So you'd even see an old friend with your dh in tow?

I like dh plenty, but we often go out separately. I have no interest in having a load of pints with his mates or see loud bands, and he doesn't want to have a prix fixe lunch with one of my old friends. It is slightly creepy when some couples do everything together.

In some ways this thread should remind any parents with young children to really cherish the holidays/dinners/family occasions/ ordinary moments they do have together as just them

I don't get this. I have young children and I can't see the reason for all the drama about it being just them. My children will be my children forever, even when they have partners and when/ if they have children. What is the appeal in performing a pre-adult holiday set-up? Maybe I have a hole where my heart should be?

Surely, your luck is in when your children have a partner who is interested in a relationship with you too? Isn't it exciting to watch your adult children fall in love and be around that too?

Good work OP 👏👏👏👏

It's not really about the going or not going it's about being invited.

We spent lots of happy holidays with my pil's together. If dh couldn't get off work I would go without him and he would join later. From the minute we were a couple I was always included even if I didn't always go. As a result we had a great relationship for almost 35 years.

I definitely would have been upset if they had invited dh without me.

LeighaJ you won’t go on hol with your MIL because she sunbathes topless?????

The OPs idea is a one-off event, not something every year. Perfectly reasonable I think.

I don't get this. I have young children and I can't see the reason for all the drama about it being just them. My children will be my children forever, even when they have partners and when/ if they have children. What is the appeal in performing a pre-adult holiday set-up? Maybe I have a hole where my heart should be? grin

There isn't any drama and I was one of the many many posters who advised the OP that she should include her children's partners in this holiday.

But a large part of my adult life has been spent focused on creating a home and family for my 3 children. That part is now coming to an end and a new phase is coming. I won't expect my children to come on "pre-adult" holidays with us. I'll expect their friends and partners to join us for significant holidays and events if they want. I'll be thrilled that they have launched as independent adults. But I do feel a little bit nostalgic for the years when we and our home were at the center of their lives. Some people will feel like that, some won't.

I disagree with the general consensus. I think parents like 1:1 time with their DC occasionally.

DH and I have both spent some solo time with our parents. We also go on holiday with them as a whole family. Both are nice. Pre wedding I wouldn't have made the assumption that I'd automatically be invited to everything.

So you'd even see an old friend with your dh in tow?
we are not talking about having a drink, we are talking about going away on holiday.

You can't even compare organising something yourself, and someone decided that your partner is not included. Holidays, weddings, birthday parties, even diner parties are not something partners are generally excluded from. if they can't or don't want to come too is another subject.

My MIL was a challenging woman, but I never doubted that she considered me her daughter. She would never have invited my husband without me. Please do not do this.

Not even reading the thread, yabvvvvvvu. I would never go on holiday with my parents without my DH. It just would not happen. Full stop.

Just seen your updates.
Good to see. 👍🏻

You can have adult child parent time without booking a 5day holiday though. Brilliant if your adult children book that for you but to plan a holiday and invite them but not their partners comes across as if you don’t see them as family or long term.

Great update. I would happily go on a night out without my husband, but I wouldn’t holiday without him, especially if going away with family. Everyone is different, but where there is the potential for offence, I think best to play it safe and invite. When you are with a serious partner they do usually become your primary family over the original, which is natural as you grow and build your own life. Instead of looking backwards, see it as a celebration of the new additions to the family and the new experiences and memories to come

I think one will find fully welcome invited partners and wives will chose often not to go.. It's the not inviting. M

I'll be thrilled that they have launched as independent adults. But I do feel a little bit nostalgic for the years when we and our home were at the center of their lives. Some people will feel like that, some won't

I expect I'll feel the same as you pallisers

My grand-parents house still feel like the family "home", even if I've never actually lived there but it's the house where all siblings and cousins meet. I can't see why my house would be any different for my own kids! You are not the center, but you are there.

Other people can't wait to get rid of the kids bedrooms as soon as they go to uni or have their first job, that's not something I would do.

I expect I'll feel the same as you pallisers

But that’s about your feelings and sense of ‘loss’. You can’t put that onto your kids. They will not appreciate it.

You don’t get to decide who your child chooses and you don’t get to decide how they live their lives. If you do choose to imply that your child’s partner is ‘immature’ because your child chooses to opt out of a holiday where only they are invited then you are setting yourself up for a very difficult relationship.

At the end of the day, your child may simply not want to go away with you without their partner, regardless of your wishes.

YABU and unwelcoming. I totally see her point, sorry.

My mil wanted me to stay out of a family wedding photo as I wasn't "family" so definitely wouldn't have been invited on holiday! 25 years later we are non contact and she isn't part of our family. You reap what you sow.

I’d invite partners. My in laws paid for a holiday for DH and I to join them in Africa when we had only been together less than a year

The issue I think is about whether you invite/include partners, not whether they actually come. There must be a way of wording an invitation where you say 'we'd love you and partner to come, but if partner has to be elsewhere, we entirely understand'. That way you've been friendly and welcoming, while giving someone an 'out' if they prefer.

As a DIL, I'd be pleased to be invited - and given that 'out' I'd probably say no. And everyone would be happy. But if I was excluded from the invitation, I'd feel sad and like I wasn't wanted. Does that make sense?

You're treating your children like children, and they're not: they're actual, real adults, with jobs and partners and responsibilities.

While I appreciate you're trying to recreate family holidays, those days are gone, and you can't bring them back. I don't have children myself (although I am close to my mother and extended family), but I think a part of successful parenting is being able to look at your adult children, functioning successfully as adults, and give yourself a pat on the back for it.

I think you should, at the very least, extend the invitation to your children's partners. They may or may not choose to take you up on it, but I think it would be rude not to.