To want my adult children to celebrate retirement with a holiday together?

[asswindandfire]

My husband retires in September and we wanted to take our two children (they are adults ( 24 & 27) on a 5 day holiday to celebrate with us and have a little time together, we are footing the bill.
My children both work full time, no kids yet and have enough spare holidays after their own commitments. They will need to use three holiday days each.

My daughter and her other half are fine with this arrangement but my sons girlfriend feels put out that partners are not invited and has given my son a very hard time about it.

Since they are really quite serious, been together for four years, and live together planning to marry in the future, I don't want to become one of "those" awful mother's in law I read about on here. (Incidentally they do have a holiday themselves booked in July.)

I also really miss my kids, we all live in different cities and would love a few days in their company and a holiday like the old days, enjoying ourselves together.
Am I being unreasonable?

I think you should invite partners. Why not think of this as an extension of your celebration?

Your original family is now three smaller families and now one bigger family. With love luck and wanting maybe there will be grandchildren soon. Don't start excluding anyone - you might end up being excluded next - that's the way dysfunction starts.

I definitely would invite them. Obviously it wouldn't be compulsory though :)

FFS just RTFT

OP - I think you should cancel the cheque.

But that’s about your feelings and sense of ‘loss’. You can’t put that onto your kids. They will not appreciate it.

where on earth did I say I would put it on my kids? You are arguing about something that wasn't said. I agree that partners should be invited and then moved onto talking about the slight sense of nostalgia/loss you might feel when you realise your kids are all grown and life has shifted into a different shape. It is actually possible to feel an emotion and not burden anyone else with it.

@pallisers

My comment was not aimed at you in any way.

I'm not joined at the hip to OH so I'd happily spend a 5 day holiday with the parents as above catch up time where we can talk openly about certain matters, reminisce, chill freely. I've just returned from the Caribbean having done just that (10 days tho not 5) and OH hadn't melted into a puddle at my absence for a few days.

I love OH we don't really have secrets, bit there's still stuff I chat to my parents about, that isn't about or concerns him. It's just family stuff

You are footing the bill; I wondered if you'd be expected to foot partners' bill too?

It's up to your adult DCs if they want to come with you or not. Great if they do, but if not just accept that they don't, for whatever reason it may be. Don't make having a nice time on holiday dependent upon them being there.

Your children aren’t actually children anymore my dear, they are grown adults. You can’t expect them to want to go on a similar family holiday that they would have gone on when they were 10 years old. Are your children actually close siblings to spend the majority of their time together? They’ll probably be bored and have better things to do with their time then have a shot holiday.

Dinner would be understandable but not a holiday. It will never be like the ‘old days’

I don't think you're being unreasonable, it's a one off and in a few years they'll probably have other commitments.

I've just returned from the Caribbean having done just that (10 days tho not 5) and OH hadn't melted into a puddle at my absence for a few days.

10 days in the Caribbean and no sex! I can't think of anything worst, I love my DH but not only for his wit and conversation! What a waste of a holiday that would be for me

ikeepaforkinmypurse I’m with you all the way on this. 10 days in the Caribbean would not make up for no sex and having to spend that much time in very close company with my parents. I love them to bits but it would do my head in.

I asked DH last night about this AIBU. His answer was a very firm “I can’t imagine anything worse than going on holiday with my parents and sister”. I guess that answers that one.

To quote Emilio Estevez - “Everhone’s home lives are unsatisfying. If it wasn’t, people would live with their parents forever.”

I have nothing useful to add but you sound like a lovely MIL and I hope you have a really lovely holiday. My PIL have passed away but that’s exactly the relationship I would like with them.

I hope partners are now invited and paid for by you and you have apologised for excluding them and explained why you did it. Hopefully they understand and don’t hold it against you through I would struggle not to x

What a lovely woman you are! your kids (and son/daughter in laws to be) are lucky to have you :)

Some people do live with theor parents forever, and go for 10 days without sex. It's interesting we all think our experience to be the norm.

But other experiences are perfectly valid too.

OP sounds very kind and generous. I'd very shocked if anyone held it against her for wanting to spend time with her adult kids!

What a mixture of views! Obviously it depends how much you love your family, what the relationships and history are like, and whether you can survive without sex for 10 days.

Not everyone loathes being with their families, I find it rather sad that so many people seem to dread it.
I hope my children enjoy being on holiday with us and enjoy family events like Christmas, not dread them. Also, I think most people could manage 10 days without sex for God's sake!

Glad it's sorted now and think OP did right thing in her situation.

However fwiw I don't think there was anything unreasonable about the original idea. Would not have a problem with my other half going on a family holiday without me. Get on just fine with my Mil and wouldn't see it as being excluded. For those who said they would find it hard to forgive the OP for excluding them..... seriously!?

FWIW, OP, I don’t think you’re being particularly U. Personally, I wouldn’t give a tinker’s toss if I were one of the ‘other halves’ - I’d think it was a nice thing for the four of you to do. It’s a few days somewhere, not a fortnight’s all-inclusive in the Med.

I’m glad you’ve taken on board what people have said here. You sound like a considerate mil. As a dil who isn’t quite good enough and is excluded from things it is hard. My mil actually had me photoshopped out of some of my wedding photos as she wanted ones of just ‘her family’

Good work OP, glad it's all worked out well & everyone happy-a great foundation to future happy families.

I hated when my ex's parents didn't seem to take our relationship seriously so am sure she's pleased that you haven't dismissed her. Absolutely the more the merrier-party atmosphere!