To want my adult children to celebrate retirement with a holiday together?

[asswindandfire]

My husband retires in September and we wanted to take our two children (they are adults ( 24 & 27) on a 5 day holiday to celebrate with us and have a little time together, we are footing the bill.
My children both work full time, no kids yet and have enough spare holidays after their own commitments. They will need to use three holiday days each.

My daughter and her other half are fine with this arrangement but my sons girlfriend feels put out that partners are not invited and has given my son a very hard time about it.

Since they are really quite serious, been together for four years, and live together planning to marry in the future, I don't want to become one of "those" awful mother's in law I read about on here. (Incidentally they do have a holiday themselves booked in July.)

I also really miss my kids, we all live in different cities and would love a few days in their company and a holiday like the old days, enjoying ourselves together.
Am I being unreasonable?

If I try to cast my mind back to when I was living with my now DH, 4 years in, and if he had been invited on a 5 day trip to celebrate my FIL-to-be retiring, his sister and mum were going.

I'd feel a bit like I was being excluded from it.

Do you feel by her being there he is less available to talk to you? That you can't relax in her company? What if they were married, would you still just invite your children?

At the same time I wouldn't give anyone a hard time about it.

I think the original proposal was a bit weird and almost seems like you’re paying your kids to get them on their own.
I fear the damage is already done now as well as dil knows she wasn’t originally invited.
So long as you won’t complain when you have gc and dil only considers her parents to be part of the family when arranging things like holidays.

YABU! Partners come as a couple, you can't expect your children's life partners, to take kindly to being left out of a family holiday!

Aw, nice to see an AIBU with a nice poster who takes on board others opinions and doesn't just flounce
Just seen your update, I can see where you're coming from just wanting your kids, I'll probably be the same when mine are adult age!
Thing is though that they're adults and it's kind of a different chapter and next stage and all that.

It seems it's my issue trying to recapture a little bit of the past, our little family unit together.

I can relate to this too - especially as my children are now 16-22 and it seems like their childhood which was such an important part of my adult life, is gone. But my parents and my in laws never excluded any of us once we were "the partner". In the end, it made for a much warmer nicer atmosphere for everyone.

Also, OP, I loved my parents dearly and had a lot of fun with them growing up and and as an adult but I would not be looking forward to a 5 day holiday with them and my sister without partners. And I know for a fact dh - who also loves his parents very much and has a great time with them and his sibs - would not want to go for that long. Even before we had children. We've each spent time on our own with our parents though - for weekends and short visits.

Times change but it can be for the better. That said, it is normal to feel nostalgic for the times past.

I don't think YABU. Why should couples have to do everything together? I think it's a lovely idea.

Pieandpumpkin I agree with your perspective re pre and post children however personally I think this is less down to "understanding PILs as now we are parents ourselves" and more about being in an established position of regardless of how we are treated. Also if they take the kids with them, all the better - a bit of peace and quiet! - and if they leave the kids then fine, you'll be so busy you won't be dwelling on it. Also with kids it's not just "you" personally who's been "left out" whereas it is in OP's children's partners situation.

Once children are born, it pushes the PILs up a generation and the focus is on the present (new parents) and future (children). The PILs should best (IMHO) gracefully accept the fact the active family reins (for want of a better description?!) have been handed over to the next generation and stop trying to keep the original family unit running like their own adult kids are still youngsters who they are in charge of.

Well done OP .

I just didn't see it from her point of view as being excluded. I see it now, I've always felt not good enough for my parents in law who are now both dead. I don't want that for my kids and partners.

Well done for being so reasonable OP. Wish my mil was 🙈

Also agree with pp who said that now I am old and married and have DCs I would feel less excluded, I would be happy for DH to go on a trip with his parents, in fact I have been trying for a while to get him to take FIL to see grand canyon. Now we have a good relationship, and no question I am part of my MIL and FIL's family!

Of course you are not being unreasonable, @asswindandfire

If my dh wanted to go somewhere with just his parents it would be fine and we have been married 17 years. To be honest it would be unlikely but if they all wanted to do it, I would be fine. I know my place in his life and I am resentful of his relationship with his parents.

Both my parents are dead now and I would probably not have appreciated a holiday with them in my 20s, but I think it's a lovely idea.

I do not think you are being unreasonable. I think your son's girlfriend sounds miserable and entitled.

It's your choice I guess, invite partners too if you wish to but I think it was a nice idea to go away with just your kids for a few days.

Good decision OP, you're doing the right thing.

Aw I like a happy AIBU ending

YABU as you have accepted but I can see where you're coming from OP and, recently, when I had a day with my parents and DBro without my DH, DC or SIL I did think how nice it was to be like when we were young ... except DBro and I soon reverted to being grumpy teenagers (actually in our 40s) and I realised we were all much more civilised if DH and SIL were there! It also made me realise that, whilst I ensure both sets of grandparents are treated equally in that I will alternate taking the DC by myself for a long weekend to my parents & to PIL, it will always be different for PIL as I am an outsider however well we get on whereas I just know how my family works so it is a different set up. I've tried to arrange it so DH has some trips to his parents by himself (well, otherwise than the DC) but his work schedule means it is easier for me to take them.

What a lovely thread. Good call OP, I hope it's a good outcome for all of you.

Aswindandfire just saw your update that you texted your son. That's great.

What I would think likely to happen is that your son and daughter will communicate between themselves as to which partner is going, are they both going, is one going etc (how do the partners get on with each other?) and they will figure it out between themselves.

You have done the right thing by extending the invitation in my humble opinion, you really have. Even if the partners don't end up coming, they were invited and that really is meaningful. There might be a time in the future where you'd love to go on holiday with them and your grandchildren, so the boot might be on the other foot... it's good to set up a feeling of inclusion now. Long term it's better.

I don’t think YABU at all! DH and I have both gone away by ourselves with our own families. It’s completely normal.

If the partners can’t be separated for five days then that’s the problem.

Also, you’re footing the bill!

PS OP if you had said that you wanted your dil and sil to be there there may be people saying that they might not want to come and feel they could not get out of it!

My BIL doesn't do much with the family and a 5 day holiday with family would be very hard for him!

Don't think you're being U in the slightest! Why can't people do things on their own on rare occasions? I'd have no problem with this and neither would my H. Family only isn't an insult to the dp, it's just a one off by the sounds of it, family only few days. Then again I keep hearing about things that annoy others and just don't get it so I'm sure I've inadvertently annoyed people many times by going by my own rarely get bothered standards!

I think your son's girlfriend sounds miserable and entitled.

I think this is very unfair. And not helpful to the OP who likes the girlfriend and presumably has many years ahead of her with this woman in her immediate family.

Also, it is entirely possible her son didn't fancy taking 5 days holiday to go off with his mum dad and sister - just as much as his girlfriend didn't fancy it either.

Well done OP for reaching out to your children again. And good luck with the retirement. My parents had a blast in retirement.

Aww you sound really nice actually op

From my perspective of our family holidays with my folks when i’ve been an adult, we’ve often gone to a particular place we used to holiday when i was a child that has a lot of memories, and i enjoyed sharing that with my partner and later my children - i know my mum and dad have too, it’s very sweet and bonding

I hope your dil is pleased and joins the holiday or lets her partner go without complaining, can you update us.

Hope the holiday is fab.

I think it is a lovely idea, whether partners come or not.

We have taken adult DCs on holiday with partners who (happily) didn't become life partners - because we thought our DCs would have a more enjoyable holiday by bringing their partner than by recreating the adult/child family unit.

Bless op on the the surface it seems innocently enough. I think Sunday girl hit nail on head.

You could have invited all and perhaps secretly hoped one turned you down but not to invite.... Well... Perhaps your future dil will remember this.... When she doesn't want to you there for 'her' child's big events!!