To want my adult children to celebrate retirement with a holiday together?

[asswindandfire]

My husband retires in September and we wanted to take our two children (they are adults ( 24 & 27) on a 5 day holiday to celebrate with us and have a little time together, we are footing the bill.
My children both work full time, no kids yet and have enough spare holidays after their own commitments. They will need to use three holiday days each.

My daughter and her other half are fine with this arrangement but my sons girlfriend feels put out that partners are not invited and has given my son a very hard time about it.

Since they are really quite serious, been together for four years, and live together planning to marry in the future, I don't want to become one of "those" awful mother's in law I read about on here. (Incidentally they do have a holiday themselves booked in July.)

I also really miss my kids, we all live in different cities and would love a few days in their company and a holiday like the old days, enjoying ourselves together.
Am I being unreasonable?

I do think it’s a bit weird to not ask partners at that age. Can you not invite them and think of it as a nice way to get to know their partners better and build s relationship.

My MIL, I’m now 46, has never wanted to include her DILs in anything and actually we all have a really poor relationship with her, including her sons.

if I was the girl friend even if I thought it a bit odd I think i’d Respect what’s been suggested and not give him a hard time. Crossed fingers for you that she doesn’t marry him!

YABU, you should be inviting partners. They're adults so you can't really know that they have enough 'spare' holiday. Your sone most likely shares his girlfriends view.

I'd have invited their partners.

I think as much as you want to recapture that family time, things have moved on and they now come as a package. Would you want to go away without your husband?

I agree with PPs. Your days of family holidays with just you two and your children are done.

Also recall you’re setting the tone for future interactions here. If you’re very tight on nuclear family only and no partners now - with adult offspring, not even young children! - don’t expect any sympathy from those same offspring and their partners when they consider you on the outer of their families.

I have adult children. I'd always invite partners. Sorry OP, I do think YABU.

Spare holidays

Oh I do sympathise with you. I remember times when I wanted my siblings to myself without their spouses - but sadly (and of course not sadly at all really) that time is gone. I think you have to not ask this if your child’s serious partner is put out.

But I do sympathise with you. I find the way my MIL muscles in on all our family holidays very annoying and I realise that when my kids are grown I must let them be and do as they want and not insist on time with me.

I can't even imagine this scenario.

I think YABU

Son in law won't care he gets a few days to himself but future DIL will take it to heart that she isn't part of the family. I understand the sentiment but I just don't think it's feasible and you are purposely hurting another person which will cause a rift

Yabu and it really doesn’t matter if your daughter’s DH doesn’t mind. The old days are just that and you can’t turn back the clock, move with the times OP otherwise you risk alienating people.

I think YABU. How would you feel if one of your DC did the same but, only invited your DP

We have 3 children of a similar age range and I cant think of a scenario where we would ask them to come on holiday with us without inviting partners. The best thing you could do now is rejig your plans and make sure that partners can come along too.

Initially you might not have thought there was anything wrong with your plan, but now you know that your son's girlfriend isn't happy about it, surely you should re-consider.

YABU. You can’t expect to make decisions about 5 whole days of an adults life according to your own ideas and nostalgia. Move with the times, take the partners. That young woman may well be bringing you hot dinners and taking you to GP appointments in 20 years time.

How would you have felt at 27 yo if your PILs had excluded you?

You might as well have said “you’re not real family”.

In a few years they could be having kids. You’ll be upset if a poor relationship means that the grandchildren see her Mum more...

Sorry YABU.

YABU - why didn't you invite partners ? - genuine question

Yabu. Don't you like their partners? Honestly?

Would you have invited them if they were married?

Years ago my MIL decided she wanted a family dinner once a month. It was only after discussion how that would be nice that she clarified she meant her family, not me or SIL partner. I'd been with DH for 10 years, married for 3 at the time. Both DH and SIL refused and MIL threw a strop.Felt very hurtful and rude and made it quite clear where she felt we stood ie not her family.

I don't think OHs have to be there all the time at all, I spend a lot of time with my family without DH but he would never be excluded/not invited.

Thank you for the responses, it seems most think partners should be invited.
I don't want any rifts or unease about it, I just miss my kids and the whole retirement looming makes me feel like I've aged thirty years without knowing it.
It seems it's my issue trying to recapture a little bit of the past, our little family unit together.
I think I will modify plans. We were always footing the bill for ourselves and kids so will do so for partners too as that would be rude not to.

I’m your children’s age. I’ve been with DP 6 years, we’re getting married, we live together. I also love his parents and choose to spend time with them. I would feel very hurt if they did this, it’s like saying I’m not their family, when I absolutely see them as mine. If my DFIL was retiring I’d want to celebrate that as much as DP would.