To accuse my sister of theft?

[imsorrydarling]

My sister is 18 years of age. We have a 10 year age gap.

She is a compulsive liar and over something ‘miniscule’, hasn’t spoken to me in a few weeks. She lives with me.

Friday morning before I left for work, I had laid out my clothes for the evening, as I was meeting friends straight after. When I came home from work I noticed things had been moved about and my jacket was missing, alongside my lipstick and my LV pouch which I use as a clutch, wasn’t on my dresser which is its usual place. As I was running late I didn’t think much, just assumed I had misplaced the things and left.

Yesterday, I went into her room to ask her for something & on her bed I noticed some makeup palettes that I had ‘lost’ a few months ago. She admitted they were mine but had ‘borrowed’ them on Friday morning.

I questioned her about my jacket and she denied seeing it. I questioned her several times and she was adamant she had no idea what I was speaking about.

Later yesterday, I saw she had been tagged in a picture on Facebook, wearing my jacket. So she had lied to my face about it. I sent her the screenshot, she read my messages, but didn’t respond and ignored my calls. Later she text me saying she was sorry and was going to place the jacket back, didn’t think it was such a big deal because she wanted to borrow it.

It didn’t seem like a genuine or sincere apology, and when I asked her why she thought it was acceptable to lie to my face, to which I was ignored.

I didn’t get back home until late by the time she had gone to bed and my jacket was not hanging over the bannister.

Today I have searched the whole house and am unable to find my pouch / clutch which is missing. Of course I think she has it but she is denying it. I don’t believe her as she lies about everything, until she is caught out.

I know it’s only makeup, a jacket, a bag, but it’s the lying that has me so worked up. She lies about where she’s been, even when I’ve just genuinely asked. Hangs around with the wrong crowd, stays out until 3/4am and I don’t know where she’s been. My keys were missing for 2 weeks and surprise surprise she had them all this time. I found them yesterday and asked her where they had been, she responded she found them on the floor.

My bag is missing and it cost me a fair bit so I’m really annoyed.

Family relationships are more important to me than clothes and bags

Everything you say sounds reasonable, if it wasn't for the fact that the OP has a right to a life as well. She's spent most of her twenties being a parent to a bratty teenager. Bratty teenagers' own parents often find them too much, and the OP is a young woman who should be having some freedom, not dealing with this kind of shit.

Why is it accepted that women have to put up with anything, suffer on, even when it's other women putting the boot in? Her sister is an adult now, she needs to be responsible for herself.

If we have lost the thing/person who is most precious to us, we can feel that we have had that person taken from us. We then feel entitled to acquire things which we love, and keep them for ourselves, either by buying them and hoarding them, or by acquiring lovely things from elsewhere.

So why is the OP not allowed to feel bereaved and deal with it by having nice things that she's worked to buy?

I didn't say that she isn't allowed to feel bereaved and deal with it by having nice things. Of course she is. But she might like to bear in mind that things aren't always simple. Her sister's behaviour sounds awful. Maybe that it because she is a "bratty" entitled teenager or maybe it's a little more complex than that and understanding something of the dynamics, might help them to move forward effectively, probably with the support of counsellors.

I bought her the iPhone X and MacBook as her early uni present for her birthday a few months ago and right now she is not deserving of it all.

You mean the Uni that you don’t think she will get into. FFS OP! What are you doing? She’s a thief and a liar and you reward this by buying her expensive tech. You’ve obviously got more money than sense and until that changes, your sister will continue to see you as the soft touch you are.

The balls in your court not hers.

What a horrible situation for you. You've looked after her for all this time and then you get this behaviour. She needs a very stern talking to. Awful you should have to do this after all you have done for her. Shame on her.

Juells I think putting a lock on her door and having a discussion with her dad and sister is the best way to put her boundaries in place.

Enforcing boundaries doesn't need to mean big dramatic actions. imo clearly and calmly stating a boundary and enforcing it is much more empowering. It also means OP (who will still be grieving too) doesn't need to choose between enforcing a boundary and throwing away a family relationship. She can have boundaries and have a good relationship with her family.

@BookABooSue

I know you're right, I just get so annoyed on behalf of posters on here (and a friend in RL) who don't know how to protect their boundaries - they don't even know they should have them :(

You’ve both been spoiling her. Take the laptop and phone away, and threaten to take other stuff away to sell to be able to buy your LV. Don’t sell anything of hers from your Mother, that’s definitely a step too far. Kick your sister out, as respectfully as possible, in the hopes that in the future when she’s grown up a bit you can continue to have some form of decent sibling relationship.

She’s had more than enough chances and has absolutely no respect for you, your things or your home. The biggest thing you can do to help both of you is to ask her to leave now, she needs a bit of a shock and you need some comfort in your life and your home.

Juells there is a good book called Boundaries which your friends might like. It definitely helped me. I was rubbish with boundaries.

I think society encourages women to have poor boundaries and suppress their anger - and neither is healthy. The media/film industry, etc is full of stories where women flounce and shout and scream and cry. But imo it would be much better if they just firmly stated their case, enforced their boundaries and went on with their day

I do think it's a three-stage process: realising you are entitled to have boundaries; being comfortable expressing them and, then, the real challenge, enforcing them.

@BookABooSue

Is this it?

www.amazon.co.uk/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control-ebook/dp/B06XFKNB2Y/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&keywords=boundaries&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1529932386&sr=1-1

Boundaries are so difficult for people to understand, if they're not put in place in childhood. My best friend simultaneously lets others walk all over her, and doesn't recognise when people tell her No. She's determined to help everyone and advise them even when they've told her they don't want her help. Her mother was an alcoholic, nothing my friend did was ever good enough for her, and the brother was the Golden Child. Toxic.

Plan A : give her a proper chat about this and why you won’t stand for it
Plan B : if this fails, put a lock on your bedroom door and put all precious items in there. Do this at the same time as giving her a proper, final, warning
Plan C : if she persists then kick her out

It’s not just a jacket, make up or bag it’s the principle. She’s living in your house so she should be respecting your rules and property. To steal and then bare face lie to your face multiple times would be enough for me. She’s 18 not 8. Time to live on your own in the real world. Kick her out. Tough love

Give her 1 free pass to fess up to everything. Tell her you'd rather know a hurtful truth than a good lie. If you know she's still lying, she needs consequences, she can't steal from people in RL and there be no consequences for it.

If she tells you the truth, tell her to give you your stuff back and make your dad have stern words with her.

If she's still lying, she's got to go.

Explain the premise of how this is going to work.

Good luck op. So sorry about your mother 💐

Juells yy that's the book. It does have a Christian slant. Mainly because some religious seem to imply women's long-suffering acquiescence is a path to God and the book challenges that view and explains how boundaries are healthy. iirc it isn't so religous that it clouds the messages/exercises.

Don’t give her any more chances. It will end up the same. Put some distance between you and her, depending on your circumstances. Either move out or see to it that she moves out. She’s abused your trust.

Its a horrible position to be in but she has to go.

She is of age now. Tell her to leave. No infact pack her stuff, change the locks and put her stuff on the doorstep texting her to say so, so she can't steal anything else, which she will if you give her a date to go by.

She needs to grow up. I know you lost your Mom and you are probably allowing her to get away with more because of that. Your doing her no favours.

She can go back to your Dad's so she can't say she has no where to go

Well, these are my thoughts:

I dont understand why she can't move back in your dads place even if he is away. She's 18 years old therefore does not need to live with an adult. I moved out when I was 18. If your dad doesn't want her living there when he's not there, that would indicate that he doesnt trust her to act her age, but that's not your problem.

Your father is the parent, not you. You are a grown woman and should not be living your life at the convenience of your father. It's his choice to work abroad. If he augues, tell him to "suck it up" as you've had enough.

I would pack her bags, leave them outside and change the locks.

However if you are not ready to do this I would tell your sister and your dad that if she does this again you will be packing her bags, taking back the house keys and she will be moving to her dads, regardless if he's there. I can tell that you love her, but at the end of the day, she's not your responsibility, she's your dads and it seems that they are both taking the piss.

If your dad and sister give you a guilt trip about how moving to her dads affects her travel to school / uni, well you have already told her that if she does it again she is out, therefore that is the concequence and she only has herself to blame.

It's your home so you should not be reduced to putting a lock on the door.

Oh, and if you do kick her out, change the locks.

Well, that's my 2 pennies worth.

This is worse than a bad marriage. What do you want? What are you willing to do today? This will always be your problem until decisions are made.

If she's a compulsive liar, is it possible that she borrowed the stuff - like sisters do - and then when questioned automatically - or, well, compulsively - lied about it?

If so perhaps she needs to seek some professional help if she isn't already.

It sounds like you're not best equipped to really deal with her behaviour, and it's not fair on yourself to put yourself through it. It won't help either of you.

Can she go back to her dad's? I don't get the idea that she'd really be capable of looking after herself.

This is quite a difficult situation. She is 18, but has lost her mother during a difficult time in her life. Have you spoken to your/her father? Get some feedback from him. I would not hesitate to go through her room to locate your items. You may need to set up some rules in the house. Some have suggested a lock to your room. This may be the option,, but I would think a convo with the father, rules for the sister and strict boundaries if broken then she will be asked to leave. Within all this is the loss of her mother. She was only 14 and I am not excusing her actions. however, they need to be explored perhaps regarding within the realm of this loss and at a time of huge change in her life.

Again, it is not an excuse but may help build a picture and perhaps lead to a solution. There are charities out there that help with bereavement and may give you some guidance.

This must be extremely difficult for you. I am sorry for your loss and well done for your care for your sister. It must be so difficult.

I don't envy you this situation but be careful how you handle it. My sister, who is 15 years younger then me, took a bracelet off my wrist to try on (an incredibly sentimentally precious bracelet) and I forgot to ask her to give it back as I dropped her off....I was giving her a lift somewhere at the time. I asked for it back a few days later and she lied to my face about it, she has never owned up and never given it back and never apologised. Sadly our relationship has never been the same. I never under how she could lie to me and she seems to have used this as a reason to distance herself from me and tell our dad lies about why!

*understood

So I’ve come home from work, and she’s not in.

On the sofa was a white carrier bag, with my missing perfume in it. The same perfume I suspected missing on Friday. She denied it all weekend. Even yesterday after the makeup, clothes etc saga, I asked for my perfume back too. Denied knowing what I was talking about and surprise surprise it’s on the sofa.

Now I’m even more convinced she knows where the bag is.

I spoke to our dad who said he’s had words with her and she won’t do it again. Apparently, she’s sworn she doesn’t know about the bag (same thing she’s said about everything else but then I found them).

I have no problems with borrowing things but lying is hurtful. To lie over and over and over again to me. Despite being caught out she’s lying to me.

I’ve searching everywhere again. Checked her room, in the obvious places. Can’t find it.

I’m going to ask her to leave when she’s back.

On the sofa was a white carrier bag, with my missing perfume in it. The same perfume I suspected missing on Friday.

OP, I think there must be more to this than she is letting on. She's taken your stuff - and has gone from making no effort to hide it to blatantly leaving stolen things around like a weird Treasure Hunt.

I think you need to talk to her. This is a very overused phrase but is this a cry for help?