To accuse my sister of theft?

[imsorrydarling]

My sister is 18 years of age. We have a 10 year age gap.

She is a compulsive liar and over something ‘miniscule’, hasn’t spoken to me in a few weeks. She lives with me.

Friday morning before I left for work, I had laid out my clothes for the evening, as I was meeting friends straight after. When I came home from work I noticed things had been moved about and my jacket was missing, alongside my lipstick and my LV pouch which I use as a clutch, wasn’t on my dresser which is its usual place. As I was running late I didn’t think much, just assumed I had misplaced the things and left.

Yesterday, I went into her room to ask her for something & on her bed I noticed some makeup palettes that I had ‘lost’ a few months ago. She admitted they were mine but had ‘borrowed’ them on Friday morning.

I questioned her about my jacket and she denied seeing it. I questioned her several times and she was adamant she had no idea what I was speaking about.

Later yesterday, I saw she had been tagged in a picture on Facebook, wearing my jacket. So she had lied to my face about it. I sent her the screenshot, she read my messages, but didn’t respond and ignored my calls. Later she text me saying she was sorry and was going to place the jacket back, didn’t think it was such a big deal because she wanted to borrow it.

It didn’t seem like a genuine or sincere apology, and when I asked her why she thought it was acceptable to lie to my face, to which I was ignored.

I didn’t get back home until late by the time she had gone to bed and my jacket was not hanging over the bannister.

Today I have searched the whole house and am unable to find my pouch / clutch which is missing. Of course I think she has it but she is denying it. I don’t believe her as she lies about everything, until she is caught out.

I know it’s only makeup, a jacket, a bag, but it’s the lying that has me so worked up. She lies about where she’s been, even when I’ve just genuinely asked. Hangs around with the wrong crowd, stays out until 3/4am and I don’t know where she’s been. My keys were missing for 2 weeks and surprise surprise she had them all this time. I found them yesterday and asked her where they had been, she responded she found them on the floor.

My bag is missing and it cost me a fair bit so I’m really annoyed.

[Rainbowqueeen]

So sorry Op.

You must be feeling huge amounts of grief and loss. Not for your stuff but for the relationships you thought you had .

I think your plan is a good one. It doesn't sound like there is any reason why your sister can't go and stay with your dad.

I really hope that you will consider counselling for yourself. It does sound limk your sister could do with it too but she is not your responsibility. It is up to your father to sort that out.

Go away. Walk in the sun, grieve and then move forward with your life. You are clearly a lovely lovely person and I wish you nothing but good things in your future.

[PigEyedHorseFrightener]

Please do stick to your guns and kick her out. She won’t change. She’s a nasty person.

[Teacher22]

Your sister lost the influence of a mother, who would have told her in no uncertain terms that it is wrong to steal, at a very early age. I think for your sake, you should throw her out but for her sake you might consider taking the precautions of putting a lock on your door and reading the riot act and keeping her under your wing. She sounds as if, should you push her away, she will lose the only decent person in her life.

What prospects are there for her in the outside world if she lies and thieves? She will end up with a police conviction or succumb to drugs. She needs some very tough love. What is your father like? Could he exert some control and give good advice?

I feel for you in your situation as, if your sister cannot change, you will have to evict her to protect yourself.

[Mix56]

I think locking her out is going to get you into difficult times with your family. You will become the mean sister.
Certainly lock your room, & then go to her with the bag, & her text & say that she has X time to move out.
If she was a simple lodger you would have called the police
If she was in certain countries they would cut off her hands.
You are not her parent, you are her sister & had hoped, friend, Friends do not steal & lie to each other.
You are not responsible for where she goes, & who she steals from in the future.
There will be major antics, hysterics, she will call your Dad.
Be ready for a major clash you father who will order you to let her stay, & emotionally blackmail you, it seems he believes you are older dutiful subservient daughter there to carry HIS burden & say nothing..
Be prepared, keep calm, you say what you have said here,
Beware he may cut off financial aid of course. If you depend on this then choose your words & actions wisely.

[crispysausagerolls]

It’s such a difficult situation because no one can really understand or know what her reasoning is. Perhaps she is malevolent, perhaps she is a grieving teenager, perhaps this is not related to grief and she is simply just a compulsive liar. Either way she IS a compulsive liar. And you have sacrificed a hell of a lot to raise her, whilst your father sits in another country and refuses to back up your discipline, like some kind of deadbeat dad. You’ve done more than enough for her. Compulsive liars never change - she will never admit to you that she had the bag. And even if she did admit it, it would not stop her from stealing something else. You don’t deserve or need this level of stress in your life.

[hellsbellsmelons]

This sounds hard OP.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
Your plan sounds good.
She needs to learn about life and life lessons.
Time now for YOU!!!!

[Mix56]

She is most likely an entitled selfish spoilt little madam.
She has been given a lot of "stuff" as she lost her mother.
it seems money flows freely, she says well, "OP can buy another"
"I want" means "I get"
and She hasn't worked for her exams, no guarantee she gets into Uni, or will stick it out. then what? she rolls back home to her free life.

[Lifeiscrazy]

OP she needs some counselling.. did the theft start after you lost your mum? There will be a reason for it. Talk to her or subtly leave some theft addiction therapy leaflets in her room. She may need an ultimatum- it may not be just you she is stealing from and will get herself into trouble. Good luck!! I

[Leapfrog44]

I think you have a sociopath living with you and there is nothing you can do about that except wait it out until she leaves or push her out. They don't respond to reason because underneath they don't actually care.

You can resort to subterfuge to find out what happened to your stuff if you want but don't expect her to come clean and don't expect her to change her spots.

She will probably continue to lie and steal until you lose patience. Then she'll find another host organism and continue this sort of behavior.

Good luck with that. I'd get her out as soon as you can.

[steppingonIego]

In the short term - can you get a padlock style lock on the outside of your bedroom door?

I mean, is not ideal - but will save you a lot of worry whilst you're at work.

[WhiteWalkerWife]

Good luck. You need to focus on yourself and your mental health and currently she is adversely affecting it, and your relationship.

She needs to go and then you can focus on your health, her on herself and maybe if she matures your relationship can be repaired.

[impossible]

I'd go for an up and under approach rather than get angry or threaten to throw her out. I have an 18 yr dd (who hasn't lost her mother...) and it is a difficult, stressful, uncertain age in the best of circumstances. Your sister has lost her mum in her teens and her dad too for the most part. She's probably scared about the future (my dd is and her home life is stable). She will certainly be feeling very insecure so don't make her feel more so. You are the closest person now she has to a mum.

There's no excuse for her helping herself to your stuff and lying but I really recommend you talk with her, try to get her onside and strengthen your relationship. Talk about how you are each coping - you are also having to deal with loosing your mum, and have had to take on a mothering role for a 18 yr old. You may be surprised at what comes out in a conversation - for instance, she may feel jealous of you having your mum and a more secure home life throughout your teens. She may also be surprised to know what you are coping with and how you feel. You both have a lot on your plates and the repercussions of your mum dying and your family's grief will be huge.

I'm sorry this is such a difficult time but do hang in there. She won't always be 18 and sisters can be a great support. Just try to establish a mutual respect now.

[KarenW]

Hope that you are able to have a grown up talk to her. I agree that she seems very entitled and selfish. .what does she think the real world is like? She can't just help herself to others belongings.

[proudbrows]

Do sorry that you are going through this OP. It sounds like it’s defin time for her to go, you need to prioritise your own mental health because she clearly doesn’t give a shit. Hugs 💐

[steppingonIego]

Any news?