To accuse my sister of theft?

[imsorrydarling]

My sister is 18 years of age. We have a 10 year age gap.

She is a compulsive liar and over something ‘miniscule’, hasn’t spoken to me in a few weeks. She lives with me.

Friday morning before I left for work, I had laid out my clothes for the evening, as I was meeting friends straight after. When I came home from work I noticed things had been moved about and my jacket was missing, alongside my lipstick and my LV pouch which I use as a clutch, wasn’t on my dresser which is its usual place. As I was running late I didn’t think much, just assumed I had misplaced the things and left.

Yesterday, I went into her room to ask her for something & on her bed I noticed some makeup palettes that I had ‘lost’ a few months ago. She admitted they were mine but had ‘borrowed’ them on Friday morning.

I questioned her about my jacket and she denied seeing it. I questioned her several times and she was adamant she had no idea what I was speaking about.

Later yesterday, I saw she had been tagged in a picture on Facebook, wearing my jacket. So she had lied to my face about it. I sent her the screenshot, she read my messages, but didn’t respond and ignored my calls. Later she text me saying she was sorry and was going to place the jacket back, didn’t think it was such a big deal because she wanted to borrow it.

It didn’t seem like a genuine or sincere apology, and when I asked her why she thought it was acceptable to lie to my face, to which I was ignored.

I didn’t get back home until late by the time she had gone to bed and my jacket was not hanging over the bannister.

Today I have searched the whole house and am unable to find my pouch / clutch which is missing. Of course I think she has it but she is denying it. I don’t believe her as she lies about everything, until she is caught out.

I know it’s only makeup, a jacket, a bag, but it’s the lying that has me so worked up. She lies about where she’s been, even when I’ve just genuinely asked. Hangs around with the wrong crowd, stays out until 3/4am and I don’t know where she’s been. My keys were missing for 2 weeks and surprise surprise she had them all this time. I found them yesterday and asked her where they had been, she responded she found them on the floor.

My bag is missing and it cost me a fair bit so I’m really annoyed.

[imsorrydarling]

Goosebumps - she is intending on going to Uni in Sept however if she passes her exams I’ll be surprised. She used to skip school and say she was unwell and I was coming to pick her up. School would call me 3 hours later and I would have no idea of this.

She doesn’t have a job and has an allowance from my Dad. Doesn’t contribute to the bills or anything. I give her money and buy her things etc etc

I’ve mentioned these problems to our Dad who says he’ll talk to her..

[lhastingsmua]

Also the clutch thing is weird. Was she using it in the Facebook photos? Were any of her mates? Has she used it before like this? Check on her social media for more evidence

Either she’s A. Given it to one of her mates, B. Hidden it very well in her room or C. Sold it?

Quite honestly I would turn her room upside down looking for your ‘lost’ stuff, and ask her to leave when you see her next. Her behaviour reminds me of shit flat mates back in uni halls! But luckily for me, those shit flat mates only had access to my stuff in our shared kitchen, let alone your entire house

[imsorrydarling]

She came home at 3am on Saturday morning and had a friend stay over. I was not informed of this and only knew this when I saw the girl in my kitchen in the morning. She didn’t leave until late afternoon.

I haven’t seen the clutch in any pictures. Now that I think about it I’ve always ‘lost’ small items like lipsticks and other makeup items but accusing her was the last thing on my mind.

My shoes have never been missing or misplaced because she can’t walk in heels.

[kateandme]

sit her down.
tell her she needs to fess up to everything your suspicious of.tell her to tell you how she is going to change and what her plans are to make it right.and if your not satisfied tell her you thinking she needs to leave.
I think its great you haven't chucked her out.families go through certain amounts of shit together and for you to have lasted this long is testament to you and shes one lucky sister.but there comes a time when it gets too much.and I don't believe that means you need to right now show her the door.but it does mean you need a sit down chat on how thing will HAVE to change as in right now to make it work.
even moving out for a while to her dads.to give her some perspective.?
I think you brilliant for sticking by her.what a lovlely sister.
if shes being an ass and has fallen in the wrong crowd.it can change a person.but many have changed there ways back.its whether you can see that happening and what she willing to do once confronted with the situation.

[Dodie66]

I would put a lock on my bedroom door if I were you so that she can’t take anything. Keep all your own personal stuff in that room.

[kateandme]

phone your dad maybe and don't ask him to talk to her.tell him he needs to her or come and collect her for how shes been acting in her sisters home,that it wont be allowed to continue and it will then be on him.he needs to parent here.

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

That's definitely cause for a long, protracted chat about boundaries, respect and growing up.


She may well be finding it difficult, but you don't have to enable it. You either put up with it or sort it out, as you are the adult. If she doesn't like it you can just keep asking her how she thinks the two of you should go forward. "I dunno" type answers not acceptable.

[kateandme]

f your willing to let her stay.put locks on everything.make it clear she will now very much have to work for things and to get your trust back.and until then nothing of yours will be open to her and yo uwill decide what she is allowed.chidlren take things.adults do not so she needs to work with you now on how to make it better and show you shes an adult who can have ownership of thing in your home.

[kateandme]

curiousaboutsamphire agreed

[Handsfull13]

Unfortunately I think your going to need to get harsh and strict with her.
She lives in your house so it should be your rules. And she needs to know you mean it.
Your dad should be giving you money to go towards her keep.
You might need a lock on your bedroom door from now on and call her out completely on stealing things.

Either she returns the items straight away, gives you the money to replace it or you go to your father to pay for the replacement.

If you doubt she'll be attending uni you need to have a plan of how you are going to continue. Will she stay with you or move back to your father. She will need a job to contribute to the household and she'll be even more accountable for her actions.

[Stroller15]

I can imagine you must be upset! It sounds like she has no respect for your or your stuff and are taking advantage of you.

Perhaps you can sit down with her and have a serious conversation about what the repercussions will be if she continues to take your stuff and lie to your face. Sounds tough, but maybe what's needed. Perhaps have your dad there too?

I hope you get your bag back asap!

[imsorrydarling]

I’ve asked her nicely to hand over my bag and we can both move forward. She’s denied it.

I’ve looked everywhere in my room and all over the house. I can’t find it anywhere.

I feel like removing her iPhone and MacBook from her. Until I find my bag.

I bought her the iPhone X and MacBook as her early uni present for her birthday a few months ago and right now she is not deserving of it all.

[LuMarie]

It sounds like you are in the parenting role in a difficult situation for you both.

Maybe it's ok for you to assert some parent style authority? It is your home and possible she would benefit from some rules and authority, especially if her world has been turned upside down already.

So sit her down and say here are the rules. She can borrow things, but she has to ask first. She can have friends stay over but she has to ask first. Give her some home responsibilities like chores if she doesn't have them already. If she goes out, she has a curfew. School is non-negotiable and no school means all privileges are taken away. For privileges, borrowing your things seems popular so that's one, maybe some kind of grown up activity that you do together that she likes (I'm old so I'm thinking coffee shop brunch, I don't know, whatever teenage things she likes with a grown up theme that she can't afford to do by herself yet), driving car if she's allowed to borrow yours.

If you get a grumpy teenage response, sits in bedroom in stop but does what you ask, complaining, you're on the right path.

It's a lot to ask you to be a mother figure to a teenager in this situation and age, but it sounds like she really needs the sense of where she is.

[crispysausagerolls]

Absolutely remove the phone and the MacBook. Get a lock for you door ASAP. Explain to her that she has lied repeatedly (which she cannot deny due to evidence) and therefore you don’t trust her and she will be treated accordingly. If she doesn’t like it she can move in with your father or a friend.

This is bullshit OP, she is taking the piss and she is far too old to be lying like this.

[FadedRed]

I feel very sorry for both of you. You lost your mother at a very young age, but you are ten years older, much more mature than your little sister.
Yes, at eighteen, she is 'an adult', but only just and a very young lass, who lost her a mum at fourteen. And, it would, appear, she didn't get to be parented by your dad, for whatever reason.
You deserve a medal, for 'taking on' a bereaved teenager when you had some a momentous loss yourself.
It must be very difficult for you to see her taking and disrespecting your belongings and your home, but it would be it could be a manifestation of her insecurities.
Please try to grit your teeth and try to find a way (with you father hopefully) that is a kind and supportive way to go. She's so vulnerable to go looking for love and attention from the wrong people.
Maybe some family counselling would help? A calm sit down with you, sis and dad, and maybe a 'neutral person' who could help you all understand what the dynamics are here and help you all come to a way to go on the future.

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

Stop asking nicely. Tell her you have decided that being nice is doing neither of you any favours and that you will no longer tolerate being stolen from and lied to. She knows she has taken from you, you know hse has taken from you. She is relying on you being polite and backing down in the face of her tears and/or anger.


Let her be angry, let her cry. Just repeat yourself over and over again... she stops being deceitful, she starts to grow up or she will be choosing to make her own life miserable.


You know she probably feels hard done by, but she is 18... she really does need to start realising that she is in control of her life. The only person making her a victim is herself. And that she has no right to make you her victim. Sheneeds to hand back what she took, acnowledge that she was wrong and THEN the two of you can work out how you want your living arrangements to continue

[YearOfYouRemember]

Take her phone etc. See how she likes it. She either gives you everything back and you give her hers or she carries on lying and you sell the phone etc to replace the bag etc and she moves back to her dad's.

[LuMarie]

Oh yes, confiscating the devices, how to end a teenagers world! Definitely you have leverage there.

You could tell her ok, they are being confiscated for two weeks due to lying and taking things, which you both know to be true. They were university presents, she is not in university yet so does not need them yet and are a privilege.

If your missing bag magically reappears, there will be an amnesty i.e. no further punishment or discussion of it, devices will be returned early in recognition for this act. Any more missing items in future are not covered by this rule, it's a one off to start a better system!

That way you are reasonable in giving consequences for other actions, if she has the bag you will get it back, if she somehow didn't take it you aren't accidentally accusing her of something she hasn't done (which we all know she probably has). Consequences!

[Handsfull13]

Remove the MacBook, possibly the phone but I'd probably want her to have it so she's contactable.
Search her room for your bag. She is comfortable going through and stealing your things so you should be able to go through hers to find your stuff.
Make it clear every time something goes missing you will go through all her belongings until you find it.

[HeebieJeebies456]

she's an adult-time for her to move out if she can't respect you, your stuff or house rules.

[Teapot13]

Has she had any kind of grief counseling since your mother's death? I agree of course that the stealing is intolerable, but she is a teenager who lost her mother at a very tender age, and not that long ago. I think it's entirely understandable that she needs support. You sound like you are offering support, particularly financially, but she may need more than you can give. Kicking her out would solve the stealing problem but might not be the best for her future.

[DianaPrincessOfThemyscira]

You’ve spent the best part of £2.5k on her as a gift and she still steals from you?! Absolutely take the Apple products away.

You should be able to trust the people you live with, especially when you’re related.

[NewYearNewMe18]

I feel sorry for the girl, but you shouldn't be putting up with this. Clearly it's a legacy from your DMs death, attention seeking behaviour, a cry for help.

Why doesn't she want to live with your father?

[Amelia499]

She's invaded your space, so you invade hers. Turn her room upside down and find all of the things she's taken without asking, there's probably things you've not even realised are missing! I agree with telling her she's moving back in with your dad if the LV clutch isn't back in your possession in 24 hours. If she denies it, then I'm sorry you can't trust her anyway and you will just have to ask her to leave after school is finish. Family sometimes are the worst for these things as they think they have every right to "take" or "borrow" just because they're family. I've experienced it before and the stealing will get worse with time

[Mountainsoutofmolehills]

18 year olds all nick clothes of their sisters, especially older ones. So I am afraid you will have to lock your cupboards. Or put CCTV in your room... like one of those nanny cameras. Do not lead people into temptation. She needs a job to buy her own stuff.