To accuse my sister of theft?

[imsorrydarling]

My sister is 18 years of age. We have a 10 year age gap.

She is a compulsive liar and over something ‘miniscule’, hasn’t spoken to me in a few weeks. She lives with me.

Friday morning before I left for work, I had laid out my clothes for the evening, as I was meeting friends straight after. When I came home from work I noticed things had been moved about and my jacket was missing, alongside my lipstick and my LV pouch which I use as a clutch, wasn’t on my dresser which is its usual place. As I was running late I didn’t think much, just assumed I had misplaced the things and left.

Yesterday, I went into her room to ask her for something & on her bed I noticed some makeup palettes that I had ‘lost’ a few months ago. She admitted they were mine but had ‘borrowed’ them on Friday morning.

I questioned her about my jacket and she denied seeing it. I questioned her several times and she was adamant she had no idea what I was speaking about.

Later yesterday, I saw she had been tagged in a picture on Facebook, wearing my jacket. So she had lied to my face about it. I sent her the screenshot, she read my messages, but didn’t respond and ignored my calls. Later she text me saying she was sorry and was going to place the jacket back, didn’t think it was such a big deal because she wanted to borrow it.

It didn’t seem like a genuine or sincere apology, and when I asked her why she thought it was acceptable to lie to my face, to which I was ignored.

I didn’t get back home until late by the time she had gone to bed and my jacket was not hanging over the bannister.

Today I have searched the whole house and am unable to find my pouch / clutch which is missing. Of course I think she has it but she is denying it. I don’t believe her as she lies about everything, until she is caught out.

I know it’s only makeup, a jacket, a bag, but it’s the lying that has me so worked up. She lies about where she’s been, even when I’ve just genuinely asked. Hangs around with the wrong crowd, stays out until 3/4am and I don’t know where she’s been. My keys were missing for 2 weeks and surprise surprise she had them all this time. I found them yesterday and asked her where they had been, she responded she found them on the floor.

My bag is missing and it cost me a fair bit so I’m really annoyed.

[Aridane]

Please don’t steal your sister’s stuff in return, as some posters have suggested!

[imsorrydarling]

FatBarry - In regards to ‘writing styles’, it is possible for people to have similar writing styles. I don’t have much time to conjure up stories for mumsnet. I don’t have any children so I am not a mum, I’m not married etc either. I’ve only signed up here as it’s a broad forum with people all of ages and walks of life. I’ve posted before when I’ve needed advice with a failing relationship and I’m posting again today.

As a 28 year old working woman, trying to live my best life, I don’t have the capacity to make up stories and post on a forum for attention.

[crispysausagerolls]

Definitely do not go into work tomorrow. Pull a sickie, whatever it takes - pretend to go and then go back to the house. You need to act quickly before she can get rid of evidence. You need to go through her things with a fine tooth comb; and you need to get a locksmith in for bedroom and front door.

[lhastingsmua]

It’s not stealing her sister’s stuff if OP is taking back her own belongings, ie her own clothes, perfume, ‘missing’ online deliveries etc.

In your position, I would take control of the MacBook though.

[imsorrydarling]

I won’t be able to take time off tomorrow as I have some meetings I won’t be able to cancel or reschedule.

Now that her exams are over she’ll be in the house more often. If only I had discovered this before I could have raided her room when she was at school.

I’ll just have to get through tomorrow and arrange for someone to come in on Tuesday.

I don’t know if she’s selling things because I have a room downstairs where I keep my shoes. All fancy designer shoes which are untouched. But I put this down to her not knowing what they are or not being able to walk in heels.

She didn’t take the LV box or dust bag, so I’m not sure if she’s sold the bag or just lost it.

Don’t think she’s smart enough to have an eBay or Depop to sell items.

[elephantscanring]

You bought her an iPhone X and a MacBook for her birthday?? How generous.

I’d take them back.

I’d find it very hard to live with someone I didn’t trust.

[imsorrydarling]

Elephants - as it was a big birthday & final year in college. After we lost mum I always wanted to be there for her and didn’t ever want her to feel left out amongst her friends etc. Always gave in to anything she wanted

[Rainbowqueeen]

Looking at the bigger picture here, your DD needs to act like a parent. He is letting both of you down terribly.

He needs to find a job locally and take responsibility for your sister. And this is what he should have done 4 years ago. His behaviour is not that of a parent and you have every right to be furious with him

Yes get the lock but give your dad a deadline 1 month to sort his life out so that he is acting like a parent or finds your sister somewhere else to live but she cannot stay with you anymore.

You have the right to feel safe and comfortable in your own home and his actions are stopping that. He is not acting like a loving father to you and is not providing your sister with the parental guidance and stability that she needs.

He needs to get his shit together. Otherwise he is going to end up with non existent relationship with both of you

[CaledonianQueen]

I think that you need to sit your sister down and have it out with her! As someone above mentioned take tomorrow off if possible and strip her room, take a photo of anything that belongs to you, where it was found and put it aside to confront her with. Tell her how disappointed you are with her behaviour! That stealing from you is not an option at all!

If you don’t find the bag then tell her she has 24 hours to find it and return it to you, if she doesn’t and continues to lie then she will no longer be welcome in your house. Alternatively, you tell her that you will be holding onto her MacBook and iPhone (give her an old smartphone) and will be changing the WiFi password. She can earn the WiFi code by

You will also be getting a locksmith in to put locks on your bedroom and any other area of your home that you don’t want her to have access to. Stop any money you are giving her, tell her if she wants money she needs to find a job to pay for her things. No buying her any new clothes/ technology/ any necessities she will need for Uni.

Tell her that if she wants to earn her iPhone and iMac back then she needs to return anything that she has stolen! Then she needs to apologise and genuinely mean it! Tell her that if she asks to borrow something you will consider it, but only if she shows respect for your item and takes care of it! And absolutely NO LIES! If the lies continue then tell her you refuse to live with a thief and tell her she has to leave and move in with her Dad.

I would tell your father that he can give his opinion on parenting when he actually acts like a bloody parent, instead of leaving his young daughter to parent her teenage sister. He sounds like an absolute waste of bloody space!

As devils advocate could it be your sisters friend who stole your purse or was that before your purse went missing?

[Maelstrop]

I empathise as to why she has been spoiled, but time for the real world. How will she finance herself at uni? I’m hoping you’re not subsidising her, it’s not your job. I would honestly send her to a mate’s til you’re sorted and have gone through her room. Then she can stay at your dad’s. She’s 18, not a baby. Your dad can send her more money if needed, or she can take her share of the gold and sell it to finance herself.

[Rainbowqueeen]

Bloody hell I mean Dad not DD!!

[lhastingsmua]

I can imagine her pilfering through her flatmates things if she moves out too.

In fact @Rainbowqueeen’s entire post could be used as a template to text to your dad. You’re not her parent, he is. At some point the lines have been blurred; you need to remind him of reality and regain control of this situation.

[TryingToForgeAnewLife]

Are you going to make her leave?

[TwentySmackeroos]

I honestly suspect she is selling the stuff. For cash, low key. Probably just for going out money, clubbing, taxis, etc. Does she have friends who are wealthier than her?

I'd a flatmate years ago who was a chronic thief; items including cash would disappear then show up mysteriously after pay-day and she would claim they were always there. Gas lighting me. Denying bare-faced but arriving home from shopping trips laden with bags in a taxi 🤔 on an intern's wage while the rest of us were a few years longer working and a few £s better off.

The lies are just awful. Eventually I rang her parents, she moved out, and her dad gave me a cheque to cover everything that never showed up. She was 23 but I felt SHE left me with no choice.

[Andylion]

I’ve spoken to my Dad. He’s working in the Middle East and won’t be back until the 28th of July.

Tell your dad and you sister that on July 29, she is moving in with him. And mean it. It's time for your dad to step up.

Until then, put a lock on your bedroom door, but only once you've gone over every inch of her room. As another poster has said, I bet you come across many of your things you didn't even know were missing.

I

[cooldarkroom]

I get the impression that your father her ample money, in that case, she's not selling stuff, she may give things away to become popular, or just lose them as they are not hers & she doesn't give a damn.
Lock your room, she can have access to her room, the kitchen & the bathroom alone, no wifi, you could also tell her to get a job as she can't be in the house while you are out earning a living, paying bills & paying thousands of pound on expensive gifts, free lodging, free food, free hot water etc.
Entitled, spoilt little madam, she lost her mum, enough excuses, as you say, so did you.

[cooldarkroom]

gives her ample money

[Tartsamazeballs]

I'd give her two options, whether she would like to be dealt with as an adult or a child.

Invariably I imagine she will say adult, so I would tell her that if any theft of any sort occurs from here on in she will be given 30 days notice and evicted, and depending on the value of the theft the police will be called.

If she starts raging I'd give her the option of being dealt with as a child. This will lead to the confiscation of her iPhone and MacBook for 2 weeks, that she needs to seek and engage with counselling for any (understandable) unresolved issues that she might have, and that she needs to make an attempt to find a summer job or work as a volunteer for the summer.

Say the option is hers, that you love her and want to do what is best for her etc etc.

She sounds like she's reacting like a young child with attachment disorder, everyone else has left her so she's being a dick until you do too.

[SnappyFartyKarate]

If you want to be "sneaky" about it, get a cheap door stop, go in her room when she's not there, shut the door and put the doorstop down so she can't get in. The go through the place with a fine toothed comb and take pictures of everything of yours she's taken.

[Juells]

I wouldn't accept being a victim in my own home. I'm sure you have yourself tied in knots because she's your little sister and she lost her mum and boohoohoo.

She's an adult now, and the more you enable her dreadful behaviour the more she'll think it's OK. How can she ever have an adult relationship with anyone if she thinks her nearest and dearest can be fleeced?

You need to push her out of the nest. You've done your best for her, but it sounds as if she actually resents you, thinks you have 'stuff' that should be hers. What she's doing is quite spiteful, as she's seen you searching and searching for things, and she's been sniggering to herself because she knows you're wasting your time, as she's stolen them.

As far as I can see, you're the vulnerable one in this relationship, not her. What has happened in your life that makes you think you're worth so little? :(

[BookABooSue]

I think you are being a bit melodramatic. You need to have a family meeting. Use Skype to include your DF. You all need to establish boundaries. You seem to feel you are acting in loca parentis. Your DF and DSIS think you are two sisters sharing a flat.
I have 5 sisters. One of them always used to 'borrow' clothes and items. Another always overreacted in response. It doesn't need to be a big drama. Put a lock on your room. Ask DF and DSIS who will pay to replace the bag if you are sure that you haven't lost it elsewhere.
Now she's getting ready to go to university, you need to act like a sister not a parent.

[Juells]

Oh FFS she's a brat. Why should the OP have to put up with that? It isn't 'borrowing', that's minimising. She's watched her sister, who's looked after her all through her own twenties, searching and searching for things. That takes a very special kind of passive aggression.

The OP can choose to be a victim, or she can show her sister there are consequences to stealing.

[BookABooSue]

OP can call her a thief, phone her dad, steal gold from a vault throw her DSIS out or she can relinquish the parenting role, put a lock on her door, choose to spend less on presents and try to re-establish a loving, sisterly relationship.
Family relationships are more important to me than clothes and bags especially in the context of a teen who lost her mum and whose dad chose to continue working overseas without her.
It's a family drowning in possessions but short on love, time and respect.

[FuckPants]

I'd be kicking her the fuck out, the fact that she's lying to your face repeatedly and being so brazen about is pissing even me off and I don't know you or her.

[FreshStartToday]

Be calm. Be sad rather than angry. Your stuff has been taken - your jacket, your make up, your perfume. Explain that you no longer feel safe in your own home. You don't feel as if your things are safe.

However, be aware that this is a classic sign of bereavement. If we have lost the thing/person who is most precious to us, we can feel that we have had that person taken from us. We then feel entitled to acquire things which we love, and keep them for ourselves, either by buying them and hoarding them, or by acquiring lovely things from elsewhere.

Has your sister had bereavement counselling? There's never a good time to lose a parent, but 14 is a rotten age - just when your hormones are turning your understanding of yourself upside down, you lose one of the pillars, who should be a constant in your life.

It is wonderful that your dsis has had you there for her, but as another poster said above, you have assumed a parenting role, she might just see you as two sisters sharing a flat.

See if you can calmly sit down with a mediator/3rd party, so that she hears/understands your point of view, but really listen too, when she gives her side: not because of what she is saying, but listen to what she does not say.

Best of luck