To accuse my sister of theft?

[imsorrydarling]

My sister is 18 years of age. We have a 10 year age gap.

She is a compulsive liar and over something ‘miniscule’, hasn’t spoken to me in a few weeks. She lives with me.

Friday morning before I left for work, I had laid out my clothes for the evening, as I was meeting friends straight after. When I came home from work I noticed things had been moved about and my jacket was missing, alongside my lipstick and my LV pouch which I use as a clutch, wasn’t on my dresser which is its usual place. As I was running late I didn’t think much, just assumed I had misplaced the things and left.

Yesterday, I went into her room to ask her for something & on her bed I noticed some makeup palettes that I had ‘lost’ a few months ago. She admitted they were mine but had ‘borrowed’ them on Friday morning.

I questioned her about my jacket and she denied seeing it. I questioned her several times and she was adamant she had no idea what I was speaking about.

Later yesterday, I saw she had been tagged in a picture on Facebook, wearing my jacket. So she had lied to my face about it. I sent her the screenshot, she read my messages, but didn’t respond and ignored my calls. Later she text me saying she was sorry and was going to place the jacket back, didn’t think it was such a big deal because she wanted to borrow it.

It didn’t seem like a genuine or sincere apology, and when I asked her why she thought it was acceptable to lie to my face, to which I was ignored.

I didn’t get back home until late by the time she had gone to bed and my jacket was not hanging over the bannister.

Today I have searched the whole house and am unable to find my pouch / clutch which is missing. Of course I think she has it but she is denying it. I don’t believe her as she lies about everything, until she is caught out.

I know it’s only makeup, a jacket, a bag, but it’s the lying that has me so worked up. She lies about where she’s been, even when I’ve just genuinely asked. Hangs around with the wrong crowd, stays out until 3/4am and I don’t know where she’s been. My keys were missing for 2 weeks and surprise surprise she had them all this time. I found them yesterday and asked her where they had been, she responded she found them on the floor.

My bag is missing and it cost me a fair bit so I’m really annoyed.

[imsorrydarling]

I don’t understand how losing a mother means to treat me like dirt. What has lying have to do with losing our mum? I’ve sacrificed so many opportunities in my life for her sake. There was immense pressure on me from a cultural aspect to ‘be there for her.’ I’ve done so much for her, but than some mothers out there! Our dad has always worked away and it was me attending the school meetings and parent evenings after mum died. I didn’t enjoy much of a social life because of her. Laundry done, dinner cooked. Everything. Yes she was 14 then but I was 24. I placed my life on hold to give her a life until she went off to Uni.

[AtreidesFreeWoman]

Send her to her father in the ME if she's finished her exams.

She's his responsibility not yours.

He can pay for the ticket.

She sounds like she needs a kick up the arse and a life lesson tbh and you need some time away from her.

If she's off to uni then her term accommodation is presumably sorted. Outside of that your dad can address the issue - living abroad with him if necessary.

See how passive he feels when she's raiding his belongs.

Tough love is the answer here along with the recognition you are not her parent and shouldn't have to deal with the crap without any empowerment to address it (worse being undermined by your father).

[eddielizzard]

She's gone too far. I can't fault you, she has a home at her dad's.

[imsorrydarling]

Roses - I think she left it downstairs to make me look stupid. As if I had left it there and forgotten. She’s a liar and has no respect for me. Maybe this is common in her friendship circle but I wasn’t raised like this and nor was she.

[RabbitsAreTasty]

Pack her bag for her so she knows you are serious and so you know what's in it.

[MrsClutterworth]

She is 18. Sister or not you don't need to deal with someone lying to your face and taking your stuff! Tell her to start being honest and she can find somewhere else to live if she lies to you again. And stick to it! Just put her out if she does it one more time.

[DeadGood]

It sounds like there is a lot of money in your family OP. I can’t understand why none of it was funnelled into caring for your sister when you was a minor. A housekeeper? Meals brought in? You mention cultural pressure but it sounds very strange to me for an older sister to be expected to be everything to a younger one. Why wasn’t an alternative “mother figure” found - an aunt, hired help, grandmother? You are not in such a traditional setup if you are living as a single working woman.
Your father is getting far too easy a time here, and is blaming it on your culture, from the sounds of it.

[DeadGood]

• caring for your sister when she was a minor. Sorry!

[chattykathyblue100]

I really feel this is a mental health issue. She doesn't really care if you find the missing items, hence the perfume in the bag on the sofa. I know someone who is a compulsive liar and it's affected her relationships with so many people for years. I would urge your sister to have some counselling sessions while she's still young otherwise it will plague her life. By the way I think you're a fab sister!

[AtreidesFreeWoman]

Since when was theft and lying a MH issue

[SoftBallSophie]

I couldn't live with someone I couldn't trust.

Get locks on all your wardrobes etc and your bedroom door, hide a camera to see if she's going through your stuff.

It is amazing to me that perfumes, lipsticks & makeup palettes go missing and you only vaguely wonder where they are. It sounds like you have a lot of designer stuff and she has no respect for you.

Send her back to your Dad, no way you should be housing a thief.

She isn't going to be able to live with uni flatmates if she carries on like this, they will have her arrested if she steals their stuff.

[Sasstal67]

Is there any chance it could be a substance misuse issue? Addicts can be extremely crafty at covering their habits and finding ways to finance it.

[Juells]

As I've said already, you're in an abusive relationship and need to get her out of your home. You can't be an emotional punch-bag for her.

[BlackWatchBelle]

I think its time you handed the parenting back the parent. Your Dad needs to step up, he has let you both down really. Your sister is 18 now and no longer a child. She very much needs to move out, get your Dad to pay to house her till Uni. Time to rip the plaster off, things won't improve until you 2 have distance. You've done enough, don't feel guilty for wanting your life back

[Strawberry2017]

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP.

[imsorrydarling]

Deadgood - It was expected because my mum died. In our culture the women are the ones that keep families together blah blah blah. We don’t have a grandmother or an aunt. As soon as my mum died it was all about when my dad would re marry and bring a woman home. Responsibility was thrown on me externally too because I’m female. Even when households themselves aren’t wearing traditional, it’s always about ‘what will people say.’ I got away with living alone because my mum had died and dad works away. Of course this was frowned upon because like you say it’s not traditional.

[imsorrydarling]

Sophie - I have a large collection of certain items. A lot I have worked hard for and collected over the years. Some have been gifts. If I have 10 red lipsticks I’m not going to notice 1 missing until I’m looking for a precise one.

It’s easy to misplace small items. Either in a weekend bag or a handbag etc. And not finding it until you’re next using that bag.

I’ve never had a reason to doubt her before so when something went missing I just used something else, assuming I’d misplaced it somewhere and I’d find it.

[EZA15]

If it’s the culture, I wonder if this is what she is relying on and thinks it’s why she can get away from it?

[imsorrydarling]

EZA - possibly but I’m sick of it now. Wherever I go, whoever I see, always ask how she is and reminders to look after her. The sympathetic looks because her mum died. There are children younger than her who are orphans! Or who don’t have a comfortable lifestyle or privileges.

[EZA15]

Sorry, imsorrydarling I’m not justifying her behaviour, not by any means, just wondering if that’s how she thinks it’s ok? Does your dad have a ‘base’ whilst he’s here? Could she go there?

[imsorrydarling]

Our family home has tenants in. That’s my Dads home. When he comes back he stays with me. He doesn’t stay for long, two weeks maximum. My sister has always gone and stayed with him in the Middle East during holidays from school etc. Except for this year.

[imsorrydarling]

Once I know where my bag is, she has to leave. If I make her leave now, I’ll never know. I know I haven’t lost it or misplaced it.

[Libbie001]

Both you and your sister must have gone through hell these last few years.

My father died when I was 27 and I found it very hard to deal with, so I have tremendous respect for you not only dealing with with your own loss at such a young age but also raising your sister, withough full support from your father.

You have done the best you could have done. At your age, I would not have been mature enough to look after a 14 year old who has also lost her mother, and I'm guessing neither were you.

That being said, she's taking the piss, and it needs to stop. You need to also get your life back.

I agree with others that your sister probably needs councilling. She probably has a lot of anger and abandonment issues about your dad, however, you probably do too, but due to the situation you were put in, you had to stamp on it until its hidden.

I would send her to your dads house and start looking after yourself for a change. Shes not your responsibility.

Good luck.

[Jimmers]

it sounds like it’s time to look after you, OP. And for your dad to provide a home that he can stay in while he’s here, and your sister can live in.

Sister or not, and whatever the back story, this is an abusive relationship.

Be strong & think of you for a change. It’s not selfish, it’s self-preservation. No relationship can survive when there’s no trust left.

[chocorabbit]

Tell your father that he is definitely having her.

1. He will soon realise what she is like as she will still his belongings, maybe not LV or lipsticks but anything else.
   
2. Even if his opinion doesn't change after keeping her you will still have got rid of her.
   
   I know, she is not my sister so it must hurt you to see me talking like that about her but you have to be harsh with her OP. Sorry As other have pointed out, if she goes to university and goes to another city and ends up living with other people she will do the same thing to them.
   
   Your dad might favour and indulge her and use your mother's death as an excuse as some posters have done but she was YOUR mother too, you have done very well AND supported your DS!!