To accuse my sister of theft?

[imsorrydarling]

My sister is 18 years of age. We have a 10 year age gap.

She is a compulsive liar and over something ‘miniscule’, hasn’t spoken to me in a few weeks. She lives with me.

Friday morning before I left for work, I had laid out my clothes for the evening, as I was meeting friends straight after. When I came home from work I noticed things had been moved about and my jacket was missing, alongside my lipstick and my LV pouch which I use as a clutch, wasn’t on my dresser which is its usual place. As I was running late I didn’t think much, just assumed I had misplaced the things and left.

Yesterday, I went into her room to ask her for something & on her bed I noticed some makeup palettes that I had ‘lost’ a few months ago. She admitted they were mine but had ‘borrowed’ them on Friday morning.

I questioned her about my jacket and she denied seeing it. I questioned her several times and she was adamant she had no idea what I was speaking about.

Later yesterday, I saw she had been tagged in a picture on Facebook, wearing my jacket. So she had lied to my face about it. I sent her the screenshot, she read my messages, but didn’t respond and ignored my calls. Later she text me saying she was sorry and was going to place the jacket back, didn’t think it was such a big deal because she wanted to borrow it.

It didn’t seem like a genuine or sincere apology, and when I asked her why she thought it was acceptable to lie to my face, to which I was ignored.

I didn’t get back home until late by the time she had gone to bed and my jacket was not hanging over the bannister.

Today I have searched the whole house and am unable to find my pouch / clutch which is missing. Of course I think she has it but she is denying it. I don’t believe her as she lies about everything, until she is caught out.

I know it’s only makeup, a jacket, a bag, but it’s the lying that has me so worked up. She lies about where she’s been, even when I’ve just genuinely asked. Hangs around with the wrong crowd, stays out until 3/4am and I don’t know where she’s been. My keys were missing for 2 weeks and surprise surprise she had them all this time. I found them yesterday and asked her where they had been, she responded she found them on the floor.

My bag is missing and it cost me a fair bit so I’m really annoyed.

[steppingonIego]

Any news?

[proudbrows]

Do sorry that you are going through this OP. It sounds like it’s defin time for her to go, you need to prioritise your own mental health because she clearly doesn’t give a shit. Hugs 💐

[KarenW]

Hope that you are able to have a grown up talk to her. I agree that she seems very entitled and selfish. .what does she think the real world is like? She can't just help herself to others belongings.

[impossible]

I'd go for an up and under approach rather than get angry or threaten to throw her out. I have an 18 yr dd (who hasn't lost her mother...) and it is a difficult, stressful, uncertain age in the best of circumstances. Your sister has lost her mum in her teens and her dad too for the most part. She's probably scared about the future (my dd is and her home life is stable). She will certainly be feeling very insecure so don't make her feel more so. You are the closest person now she has to a mum.

There's no excuse for her helping herself to your stuff and lying but I really recommend you talk with her, try to get her onside and strengthen your relationship. Talk about how you are each coping - you are also having to deal with loosing your mum, and have had to take on a mothering role for a 18 yr old. You may be surprised at what comes out in a conversation - for instance, she may feel jealous of you having your mum and a more secure home life throughout your teens. She may also be surprised to know what you are coping with and how you feel. You both have a lot on your plates and the repercussions of your mum dying and your family's grief will be huge.

I'm sorry this is such a difficult time but do hang in there. She won't always be 18 and sisters can be a great support. Just try to establish a mutual respect now.

[WhiteWalkerWife]

Good luck. You need to focus on yourself and your mental health and currently she is adversely affecting it, and your relationship.

She needs to go and then you can focus on your health, her on herself and maybe if she matures your relationship can be repaired.

[steppingonIego]

In the short term - can you get a padlock style lock on the outside of your bedroom door?

I mean, is not ideal - but will save you a lot of worry whilst you're at work.

[Leapfrog44]

I think you have a sociopath living with you and there is nothing you can do about that except wait it out until she leaves or push her out. They don't respond to reason because underneath they don't actually care.

You can resort to subterfuge to find out what happened to your stuff if you want but don't expect her to come clean and don't expect her to change her spots.

She will probably continue to lie and steal until you lose patience. Then she'll find another host organism and continue this sort of behavior.

Good luck with that. I'd get her out as soon as you can.

[Lifeiscrazy]

OP she needs some counselling.. did the theft start after you lost your mum? There will be a reason for it. Talk to her or subtly leave some theft addiction therapy leaflets in her room. She may need an ultimatum- it may not be just you she is stealing from and will get herself into trouble. Good luck!! I

[Mix56]

She is most likely an entitled selfish spoilt little madam.
She has been given a lot of "stuff" as she lost her mother.
it seems money flows freely, she says well, "OP can buy another"
"I want" means "I get"
and She hasn't worked for her exams, no guarantee she gets into Uni, or will stick it out. then what? she rolls back home to her free life.

[hellsbellsmelons]

This sounds hard OP.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
Your plan sounds good.
She needs to learn about life and life lessons.
Time now for YOU!!!!

[crispysausagerolls]

It’s such a difficult situation because no one can really understand or know what her reasoning is. Perhaps she is malevolent, perhaps she is a grieving teenager, perhaps this is not related to grief and she is simply just a compulsive liar. Either way she IS a compulsive liar. And you have sacrificed a hell of a lot to raise her, whilst your father sits in another country and refuses to back up your discipline, like some kind of deadbeat dad. You’ve done more than enough for her. Compulsive liars never change - she will never admit to you that she had the bag. And even if she did admit it, it would not stop her from stealing something else. You don’t deserve or need this level of stress in your life.

[Mix56]

I think locking her out is going to get you into difficult times with your family. You will become the mean sister.
Certainly lock your room, & then go to her with the bag, & her text & say that she has X time to move out.
If she was a simple lodger you would have called the police
If she was in certain countries they would cut off her hands.
You are not her parent, you are her sister & had hoped, friend, Friends do not steal & lie to each other.
You are not responsible for where she goes, & who she steals from in the future.
There will be major antics, hysterics, she will call your Dad.
Be ready for a major clash you father who will order you to let her stay, & emotionally blackmail you, it seems he believes you are older dutiful subservient daughter there to carry HIS burden & say nothing..
Be prepared, keep calm, you say what you have said here,
Beware he may cut off financial aid of course. If you depend on this then choose your words & actions wisely.

[Teacher22]

Your sister lost the influence of a mother, who would have told her in no uncertain terms that it is wrong to steal, at a very early age. I think for your sake, you should throw her out but for her sake you might consider taking the precautions of putting a lock on your door and reading the riot act and keeping her under your wing. She sounds as if, should you push her away, she will lose the only decent person in her life.

What prospects are there for her in the outside world if she lies and thieves? She will end up with a police conviction or succumb to drugs. She needs some very tough love. What is your father like? Could he exert some control and give good advice?

I feel for you in your situation as, if your sister cannot change, you will have to evict her to protect yourself.

[PigEyedHorseFrightener]

Please do stick to your guns and kick her out. She won’t change. She’s a nasty person.

[Rainbowqueeen]

So sorry Op.

You must be feeling huge amounts of grief and loss. Not for your stuff but for the relationships you thought you had .

I think your plan is a good one. It doesn't sound like there is any reason why your sister can't go and stay with your dad.

I really hope that you will consider counselling for yourself. It does sound limk your sister could do with it too but she is not your responsibility. It is up to your father to sort that out.

Go away. Walk in the sun, grieve and then move forward with your life. You are clearly a lovely lovely person and I wish you nothing but good things in your future.

[HettySunshine]

This is horrible, I'm so sorry you're going through it. You need her gone op. She's not a nice person.

[dundermiflin]

Send her to her dad to live, she can go to the middle east to live. It's time he stepped up and looked after his own child. Stop putting your life on hold for her. It's only going to make you more and more resentful.

[springydaff]

I'd get this moved to Relationships iiwy op

[Timefortea99]

She has no respect for you at all. If she does get into uni she is going to be a delight to live with. Better warn her fellow students.

[springydaff]

If we have lost the thing/person who is most precious to us, we can feel that we have had that person taken from us. We then feel entitled to acquire things which we love, and keep them for ourselves, either by buying them and hoarding them, or by acquiring lovely things from elsewhere.

I can relate to this. Something similar happened to me when I lost a crucial relationship in ghastly circumstances. It, the aquiring/hoarding (though not stealing), lasted a long time and I'm only just coming out of it.

Whether or not it is grief that is driving her, what she is doing isn't acceptable. As you know.

However, I think you're making a mistake to take it personally. You have been put in the role of a parent - and she is definitely offloading her shit onto you as her parent! But you aren't a parent, had hoped to be her friend, and now it looks like she is shitting all over you. So far, so teenager...

It's all her stuff, dont' take it personally. She definitely needs boundaries - you both do, both of you appear to have poor boundaries (hers non-existent!). Your dad has let you both down I think.

Can you look for orgs that specifically offer family support/counselling to people from your cultural background? Most counselling/therapy orgs would address the kind of family difficulties you are facing but I think it helps to speak to people who have a deep understanding of the nuances of your culture.

I'm sorry you're going through this. So painful and disheartening

[PeachesPlumsPears]

OP I'm sorry you are going through this

[Maggie24715]

My little sister acted in a similar way when she was that age. We lost our father young & our mother became a useless, absent mess. My older sister & I really tried to give our little sister everything. But it didn't work - she has no respect for people or objects. She lies so easily it still scares me that she seems to have no conscience. I've thought about it for years and it has to be grief related. She is cold and uncaring of others feelings when pulled up on lying etc.
There is no firm parent around in your case too. Your sister is taking things from you because she wants them. To her it's as simple as that - she's no stealing she just takes n has no sense of consequence.
I don't think she means to hurt you by stealing. I think she genuinely doesn't care how you feel she's too wrapped up in herself. She needs grief counselling to try to express how she feels and learn empathy.

[lhastingsmua]

I’m am so sorry that you’re dealing with this btw - it seems very frustrating and like she’s throwing all the help you’ve given her back in your face. Horrible

Will you be changing the front door locks?

[lhastingsmua]

😂your sister is fucking ridiculous! You slept in your bed just last night, but now you’re supposed to believe that your bag has been IN you bed this entire time? Wouldn’t you have noticed it before? Her plan is beyond a joke.

Your sister is either very immature or she’s literally trying to make you look like you’re going insane. It’s either stupid or sinister

Quite frankly I’d be informing your dad that she’s finally given you your stuff back after being adamant that she didn’t take it. And let him know about her ridiculous attempt to make it seem like you lost your stuff all this time.

[CaptainNelson]

OP, I really feel for you. Follow up on your decision just now - change the locks, go away, give yourself some time to grieve for everything. This doesn't have to mean the end of your relationship with your sister, but it can't carry on like this and it seems obvious that only a shock to her system will make her see what she's doing. I know you will have to deal with a lot of fallout from your family, but you can't look after anyone until you've sorted things out for yourself.
You have cared for your sister in a way that many wouldn't and you should be proud of that. She will see it that way eventually. Right now, take care of yourself.