To accuse my sister of theft?

[imsorrydarling]

My sister is 18 years of age. We have a 10 year age gap.

She is a compulsive liar and over something ‘miniscule’, hasn’t spoken to me in a few weeks. She lives with me.

Friday morning before I left for work, I had laid out my clothes for the evening, as I was meeting friends straight after. When I came home from work I noticed things had been moved about and my jacket was missing, alongside my lipstick and my LV pouch which I use as a clutch, wasn’t on my dresser which is its usual place. As I was running late I didn’t think much, just assumed I had misplaced the things and left.

Yesterday, I went into her room to ask her for something & on her bed I noticed some makeup palettes that I had ‘lost’ a few months ago. She admitted they were mine but had ‘borrowed’ them on Friday morning.

I questioned her about my jacket and she denied seeing it. I questioned her several times and she was adamant she had no idea what I was speaking about.

Later yesterday, I saw she had been tagged in a picture on Facebook, wearing my jacket. So she had lied to my face about it. I sent her the screenshot, she read my messages, but didn’t respond and ignored my calls. Later she text me saying she was sorry and was going to place the jacket back, didn’t think it was such a big deal because she wanted to borrow it.

It didn’t seem like a genuine or sincere apology, and when I asked her why she thought it was acceptable to lie to my face, to which I was ignored.

I didn’t get back home until late by the time she had gone to bed and my jacket was not hanging over the bannister.

Today I have searched the whole house and am unable to find my pouch / clutch which is missing. Of course I think she has it but she is denying it. I don’t believe her as she lies about everything, until she is caught out.

I know it’s only makeup, a jacket, a bag, but it’s the lying that has me so worked up. She lies about where she’s been, even when I’ve just genuinely asked. Hangs around with the wrong crowd, stays out until 3/4am and I don’t know where she’s been. My keys were missing for 2 weeks and surprise surprise she had them all this time. I found them yesterday and asked her where they had been, she responded she found them on the floor.

My bag is missing and it cost me a fair bit so I’m really annoyed.

[SharronNeedles]

Can't you tell her she has until Friday to return your belongings and after that she cannot live with you any longer. Either move back with dad or in with friends.

[chocorabbit]

And of course put a lock on your bedroom door.

[crispysausagerolls]

You will never find your back if you don’t ask her to leave! She has 0 incentive to give it you.

[imsorrydarling]

I’ve just sat on my bed and had a little cry, feeling sorry for myself. First I was in a ‘relationship’ where he lied about comittment and marriage and now this.

I’ve wasted the best part of my 20s trying to put others first. Yes I have a nice home, a nice car, money, nice possessions but what’s the point. It doesn’t mean anything when people around me are crap.

I’m 29 end of the year. Single, no kids. I a good circle of friends but people have their own lives and they’ve all started to settle down.

And I’m here crying over a LV bag.

[SteveMcGarrettsBudgieSmugglers]

you are not crying over the bag itself though are you? you are crying about the way in which you have been treated or mistreated by those who should be there for you, should be supporting you.

Hopefully you will be able to live your own life now, without the responsibility that should never have been yours

[DeadGood]

“In our culture the women are the ones that keep families together blah blah blah. We don’t have a grandmother or an aunt. As soon as my mum died it was all about when my dad would re marry and bring a woman home.”

Well, yes, then he should have brought a woman home. A woman around his age, who understood what her role would be. He is the parent. Completely unacceptable for him to disappear and leave all parenting to you.
I hear what you are saying about outside pressure and there’s not a lot you can do about that. But I’m just trying to point out that your father really does have a responsibility here that he is shirking.
I don’t know how much pressure if any you can put on him, but if the answer is supposed to be him finding a new partner, then maybe he should crack on with that, or find another solution. Not just leave you in this shit situation.

[rhianfitz]

Just wanted to say you sound like a lovely caring person and I'm sorry you are going through this

[Downtroddenandrough]

I just had to google who DS Hathaway is. 😄😄😂😂 #fannygallops

[Downtroddenandrough]

When I was 29 I used to sit alone in my lovely flat and cry about being single as well. It felt old. Now I’m 39 with four kids and a husband and I sit and cry about the fact I’m so tired and I have no time to be alone

[lhastingsmua]

Sorry but I think the bag is the least of your problems now. I’m sure it’s stunning and has sentimental value, but she is treating you like absolute trash. I’d rather lose the bag if it means she’s gone.

I think that leaving the perfume downstairs in an attempt to make it seem like you lost/forgot it is disgusting. Like that’s so awful from a psychological point of view (psychology undergraduate here) - she’s trying to make you look crazy. That’s not an innocent action, you saw the perfume in her room yesterday. You know she took it - yet here she is trying to convince you that it’s all in your head! Vile

Please tell me that you’ve booked a locksmith for tomorrow?

You need a very serious chat with her soon.

[InternalGangsta]

Please listen to pp who have said that her behaviour is very likely to be linked with unresolved grief. You might not understand it but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It’s understandable that you’re angry and upset but coming down hard won’t help either of you. Please talk to your sister about your grief and hers and tell her your concerns for her. Encourage her to have some bereavement counselling- it will be money well spent.

[imsorrydarling]

I’ve gone to get into bed, pulled the covered and there is the bag. Under my sheets. All squashed and not like it’s usual shape.

So once again, she’s lied to me. In one of her texts on Saturday, she promised she wouldn’t do something like that.

‘Ok I will admit I took the shirt I was going to put it back as soon as I had used it and when u went out I was gonna put it away, I am telling you now I don’t know where ur bag is I would not take ur expensive things without ur permission I’m sorry.’

‘Look I’ve jusr admitted to you about the jacket I have no reason to lie about a perfume’

Again, yesterday, she lied to me so many times. There I was, ripping my room apart, looking for something she knew wasn’t there.

I’m done. Changing the locks tomorrow and going away for a few days to clear my head.

[HollowTalk]

I really don't blame you.

On a practical basis, where will she go to?

[CaptainNelson]

OP, I really feel for you. Follow up on your decision just now - change the locks, go away, give yourself some time to grieve for everything. This doesn't have to mean the end of your relationship with your sister, but it can't carry on like this and it seems obvious that only a shock to her system will make her see what she's doing. I know you will have to deal with a lot of fallout from your family, but you can't look after anyone until you've sorted things out for yourself.
You have cared for your sister in a way that many wouldn't and you should be proud of that. She will see it that way eventually. Right now, take care of yourself.

[lhastingsmua]

😂your sister is fucking ridiculous! You slept in your bed just last night, but now you’re supposed to believe that your bag has been IN you bed this entire time? Wouldn’t you have noticed it before? Her plan is beyond a joke.

Your sister is either very immature or she’s literally trying to make you look like you’re going insane. It’s either stupid or sinister

Quite frankly I’d be informing your dad that she’s finally given you your stuff back after being adamant that she didn’t take it. And let him know about her ridiculous attempt to make it seem like you lost your stuff all this time.

[lhastingsmua]

I’m am so sorry that you’re dealing with this btw - it seems very frustrating and like she’s throwing all the help you’ve given her back in your face. Horrible

Will you be changing the front door locks?

[Maggie24715]

My little sister acted in a similar way when she was that age. We lost our father young & our mother became a useless, absent mess. My older sister & I really tried to give our little sister everything. But it didn't work - she has no respect for people or objects. She lies so easily it still scares me that she seems to have no conscience. I've thought about it for years and it has to be grief related. She is cold and uncaring of others feelings when pulled up on lying etc.
There is no firm parent around in your case too. Your sister is taking things from you because she wants them. To her it's as simple as that - she's no stealing she just takes n has no sense of consequence.
I don't think she means to hurt you by stealing. I think she genuinely doesn't care how you feel she's too wrapped up in herself. She needs grief counselling to try to express how she feels and learn empathy.

[PeachesPlumsPears]

OP I'm sorry you are going through this

[springydaff]

If we have lost the thing/person who is most precious to us, we can feel that we have had that person taken from us. We then feel entitled to acquire things which we love, and keep them for ourselves, either by buying them and hoarding them, or by acquiring lovely things from elsewhere.

I can relate to this. Something similar happened to me when I lost a crucial relationship in ghastly circumstances. It, the aquiring/hoarding (though not stealing), lasted a long time and I'm only just coming out of it.

Whether or not it is grief that is driving her, what she is doing isn't acceptable. As you know.

However, I think you're making a mistake to take it personally. You have been put in the role of a parent - and she is definitely offloading her shit onto you as her parent! But you aren't a parent, had hoped to be her friend, and now it looks like she is shitting all over you. So far, so teenager...

It's all her stuff, dont' take it personally. She definitely needs boundaries - you both do, both of you appear to have poor boundaries (hers non-existent!). Your dad has let you both down I think.

Can you look for orgs that specifically offer family support/counselling to people from your cultural background? Most counselling/therapy orgs would address the kind of family difficulties you are facing but I think it helps to speak to people who have a deep understanding of the nuances of your culture.

I'm sorry you're going through this. So painful and disheartening

[Timefortea99]

She has no respect for you at all. If she does get into uni she is going to be a delight to live with. Better warn her fellow students.

[springydaff]

I'd get this moved to Relationships iiwy op

[dundermiflin]

Send her to her dad to live, she can go to the middle east to live. It's time he stepped up and looked after his own child. Stop putting your life on hold for her. It's only going to make you more and more resentful.

[HettySunshine]

This is horrible, I'm so sorry you're going through it. You need her gone op. She's not a nice person.