To have told DH that I really don't care about his mother's opinion?

[LeaveMeBMan]

We're redecorating. I wanted rid of the dark red themed living room so stripped the wallpaper and told DH I was painting the main wall a pale green and the other walls white. I've got rid of the dark wooden flooring and replaced it with distressed white oak.

DH came back from his mother's at weekend saying "she doesn't like your ideas on the walls, she thinks it will make the room look cold". I said "oh right".

On Sunday I got the car keys and told DH I was off to buy the paint. He said "oh? Thought you were going to wallpaper?". I said "what made you think that? We've said all along we would immulsion to brighten it up". He said "yeah but then my mum said it would look really cold remember?" So I said "yeah she did, and I disagree".

So he said "what do you're still going to plow ahead with your plans no matter what anyone else thinks?" So I got irritated and said "I really don't care what anyone else thinks, why would I?".

DH is very much a people pleaser and likes to think other people like his house, clothes, choice in car etc whereas I really couldn't give a shit. I do have aspergers so not to drip feed which is maybe why I don't factor in other people's opinions but DH is now in a mood over it saying I'm pointlessly stubborn and antisocial.

Am I in the right not to care?!

I think he is a bit unreasonable if he's just assuming you'll go with his mother's opinion automatically but it doesn't sound like he has had much input into the decision either? Does he like the colour? You don't have to care about his mother's opinion but the decision should be one you and your DH are both happy with!

Yes you're right not to care.

Why is he telling you what his mum thinks instead of what he thinks? What's his own opinion?

She's not living there so has no say in what you do in your own house. Just ignore her.

Does he like it? Is he trying to tell you he doesn’t think it’s a good idea? Personally I think it sounds lovely - I would do it and if it doesn’t look good you can wallpaper over it, harder to do other way round.

Sounds like you make decisions without discussing it with him at all so hardly surprising he discusses it with his mum instead.

Yanbu..its your home and your 4 walls that you have to stare at day in day out. I would show a range of colours to your dp so he can have some what a say, having his opinion valued. But deffo not your mils!!

You are right not to care whether your MIL likes it as we all have different tastes and the older generation seems to be fixated on ‘warmth’ decoration in rooms YABU not to include your DH in decisions though and ripping off wallpaper before deciding WITH him, what you want to do.

You're perfectly in the right not to care what his mother thinks, but I'm afraid what's happening here is that HE disagrees with you and is hiding behind his mother. In your opening paragraph you say - I wanted, I was painting, and I got rid of. Sounds like your DH hasn't had a say and is trying to.
And it's emulsion, by the way, not immulsion.

You've got every right not to care about other people's opinions. If it doesn't bother you what anyone else thinks, that's fine.

BUT I'm assuming it's not just your house. So surely your dh has a say too! They way you've written your op make a it sound like 'I' decided, so that's that.(I told dh I was painting the main wall a pale green) So you just announced it - did you not even ask what he thinks?! I don't think redecorating a house you share with someone else can be a unilateral decision.

it doesn't sound like he has had much input into the decision either?

This is what I took from your post, forget what his mother thinks (although maybe he's using his mother to get over his own opinions). Your post is very much I think and I did, it doesn't sound like he ahd any input in it at all.

How amazingly odd that he expects you to just go with his mother's opinion! Why on earth would he think you give a shit what she thinks??

Does he have an opinion of his own? If he does then you should consider that, of course, seeing as it's his house. But his mother? She can go jump.

I did discuss it with DH before hand and he really liked the idea until he spoke to his mother.

If he didn't like it but pretended he did then it's his own fault, I'm not a fucking mind reader. People should just be straight, not pussy foot around saying things they don't mean.

That's very strange, why does he think you should decorate your house how his mother would like it? Is she going to be living there or something? If not it's none of her business, it's your home and your both adults.

Very odd.

It's not his mother's house, so although she is entitled to her opinion, you are perfectly entitled to completely ignore her opinion.

Although do make sure your husband has a say in the decorating though, as he too lives there

Yup. He married you, and at the most basic level that means his separation from his mother. Not giving a flying fuck what she thinks is one of the core attributes.
Mind you, DM and I had a bit of a "straightener" when I was 16. She would no longer express her opinion with her fists, and I wouldn't stick her with the carving knife. She did ask me just before the wedding if I was sure, probably because the butterflies showed. I raised my eyebrow and grinned in a sharklike manner.

People are picking me up on spelling? Really? How sad.

Anyway DH and I chose the flooring together, he laid it. We discussed colours, I showed him what I liked and he agreed saying it would look nice and bright.

It's nothing to do with MIL. You are right. That would really annoy me.

If he didn't like it but pretended he did then it's his own fault

Well if your this forthright in how you speak to him maybe he felt like he had no option but to go along with it, hence why he is using his mothers thoughts to back up his opinions. It is entirely possible that after agreeing with you initially he began to worry it wouldn't look good and be a cold room but he now feel railroaded into going along with it because your so certain on the idea.

Nothing sad about liking correct spelling.
He's a people pleaser. I suspect he feels you're bullying him. Ask him what he REALLY thinks.

I wasn't railroading anybody. He likes to take a back seat when it comes to colours so I say what I like and he either agrees or doesn't. If I left it to him to choose it would never have got done. I showed him colours and he said he liked my idea. What was I supposed to do? Force him to choose a different colour to me so I could be sure he'd had his say?

I don't understand how this is supposed to work. He agreed with me but apparently he probably secretly didn't agree? So how should I have proceeded?

YANBU that is mother's opinion is irrelevant but it sounds a bit like you're treating his opinion as irrelevant. Could he be using his mother's opinion as a way of expressing his own opinion?

So how should I have proceeded?

Maybe ask him again what he really thinks have an open and frank discussion? Just because he liked the idea initially doesn't mean he hasn't changed his mind since then.

So make sure you're own posts are spelled correctly and leave other people's alone? Maybe other people don't prioritise spelling, who are you to correct them? It's an Internet forum, not an English exam.

You do come across as rather forceful. If he wants to take on board is mother's opinion that's OK. Surely if he genuinely like your idea his mother's opinion wouldn't matter to him?