To have told DH that I really don't care about his mother's opinion?

[LeaveMeBMan]

We're redecorating. I wanted rid of the dark red themed living room so stripped the wallpaper and told DH I was painting the main wall a pale green and the other walls white. I've got rid of the dark wooden flooring and replaced it with distressed white oak.

DH came back from his mother's at weekend saying "she doesn't like your ideas on the walls, she thinks it will make the room look cold". I said "oh right".

On Sunday I got the car keys and told DH I was off to buy the paint. He said "oh? Thought you were going to wallpaper?". I said "what made you think that? We've said all along we would immulsion to brighten it up". He said "yeah but then my mum said it would look really cold remember?" So I said "yeah she did, and I disagree".

So he said "what do you're still going to plow ahead with your plans no matter what anyone else thinks?" So I got irritated and said "I really don't care what anyone else thinks, why would I?".

DH is very much a people pleaser and likes to think other people like his house, clothes, choice in car etc whereas I really couldn't give a shit. I do have aspergers so not to drip feed which is maybe why I don't factor in other people's opinions but DH is now in a mood over it saying I'm pointlessly stubborn and antisocial.

Am I in the right not to care?!

YANBU.

If you want to exercise an abundance of caution (and appease the people who apparently think that you're somehow bullying your poor, put-upon husband), you could have one more discussion with him-- but it sounds like you already did that (and he said he still likes the colors you'd settled on, but is now second-guessing himself because of what his mother said).

Obviously your opinion matters more than his mother's, in this matter, and he should understand that! Different people have different taste. It doesn't matter if 98 people out of a hundred think green and white look "cold", so long as the two people who will be living with it think it's nice. To say that it's anti-social to go with your own taste in decorating is just plain silly.

If he wants to make personal choices (clothes, what to share online) based on what his family think, that's his business, but the home decor affects you both.

(At the risk of sounding like I just stepped out of the 1950's, it's still the norm, where I live, for the woman in a relationship to have a bigger say in decorating decisions-- often because the man either recognizes that she has better taste or simply doesn't care as much as she does. Obviously that's not always the case, but DH did get the second opinion not from his father but from his mother...)

Those of you who can tell what OP's thoughts and feelings are from this thread alone really should be making better use of your psychic powers.

*OP's husband's thoughts and feelings

Wait he called you anti social. He wanted you to change agreed plans for your house based on his mothers taste and because you disagreed he used an trait of aspergers in a derogatory way. Does he often do this to get his own way?

I'm surprised at all the people here who think men are interested in decor on a 50/50 basis with a female partner.

Do you know what happens in my home if I start talking paint colours? DH looks at the colours with me for about one minute and 35 seconds before saying, "you usually get it right anyway" and buggers of to check the football results/match reports/club gossip/tennis/cricket/
snooker/put the darts on. He doesn't give one single shit in reality so long as he doesn't have to fetch the supplies or hold a paint brush for too long.

There are men don't care at all, those who pretend to care so they can score brownie points and a few who do care. The latter is a rarity IME.

If you and DH/DP decided on a school for your DC, both parents agreed - but then at a dinner/ lunch whatever - you heard from some other parents that the school wasn’t as good as you believed - would it be ok to say “oh hang on - I think we should reconsider” Or would you say “no - you said ‘yes’ earlier so we’re sticking with this school. End of discussion” And then hurry off to buy uniforms?

That's a ridiculous comparison. There certainly are good schools and bad schools but there aren't good colours and bad colours, just colours that you like and colours you don't. The OP can crack on and paint the room in mustard and magenta stripes as long as the people who live in the house like it. What anyone else feels about that combination is completely irrelevant.

The great thing about paint, especially light coloured paint, is that of you don’t like it it is easy to change.
Not so much wallpaper.

Phorus - English isn’t my first language -as I already said upthread - so apologies if my original post wasn’t clear enough for you 🤭
But I hope you’re able to finally grasp the concept that what I wrote is MY opinion - not fact? Surely we’re all simply giving our opinions?

I wanted rid of the dark red themed living room so stripped the wallpaper and told DH I was painting the main wall a pale green and the other walls white.

Erm. You told DH? Maybe that is where the issue is? Perhaps he told his Mum that he felt left out of the decision? Then that was her response. You should both have decided on a colour scheme. You're married?!

Also, I think you may regret white!

Some schools may suit some children more than others - I guess that’s what i meant - same with decor/ home surroundings.
And her husband does live in the house.

I agree Sickof PeterRabbit

Some schools may suit some children more than others

So those other parents who don't like the school, their opinion means nothing then, in your comparison, because their children are not your children.

If he's changed his mind, regardless of why he has changed his mind, about the colour scheme you need to discuss and come to a new agreement.

"But Mummy said..." is not changing his mind. It's having no mind of his own.

....not at all, we like to take on all views and opinions and decide together as a couple. As I said most things are more nuanced and involve different complexities

OP it sounds lovely, fresh and Spring-like.

Your MIL may not have put it so bluntly, bear that in mind. Doesn’t matter though, she gets to decorate her house and you yours.

FWIW, my DH doesn’t get a say in decorating choices, in fact he panics a bit if I ask for his opinion!

Crack on with your green and white...

" DH is now in a mood over it saying I'm pointlessly stubborn and antisocial. "

That's quite a reaction over his mum saying that the house will look cold & you saying that you don't care.

If his mum had suggested a colour scheme that he also thought might be good, that would be a different thing imo.

I have no ideas about decorating so would probably think that anything suggested sounded OK.

So I'd let my husband make the decision!

....for me the best bit about this thread is that it’s so interesting to hear how other couples function

I think that your room sounds lovely, and its good that you can make your own choices for things. Some people do worry about what others will think about all things, but your choices matter most.

I know lots of households where the lady of the house makes all the decisions about decorating etc, simply because the man is not bothered at all. And of course,women usually make the best decisions !!

I would not have cared what my MIL thought either as we had totally different tastes. White and pale green sounds nice to me.

If your DH agreed before your MIL stuck her oar in I would go ahead too. It is only paint so can easily be painted over. If he is a people pleaser he will never make a decision anyway. I always find my DH leaves decorating choices to me.

I'd be tempted to list all the things you don't like about you mil's house and then threaten to take them up with her to your dh.

WHat's good for the goose.

Farrow and Ball have a lovely restful green "vert de terre"

Tell him to cut the apron stringe before they end up strangeling you both the bloody idiot!

What you want to do to the room sounds lovely OP.

YANBU. Colours sound fab and fresh.

DH sounds like a gobshite.

MIL can paint her house what she likes.