To have told DH that I really don't care about his mother's opinion?

[LeaveMeBMan]

We're redecorating. I wanted rid of the dark red themed living room so stripped the wallpaper and told DH I was painting the main wall a pale green and the other walls white. I've got rid of the dark wooden flooring and replaced it with distressed white oak.

DH came back from his mother's at weekend saying "she doesn't like your ideas on the walls, she thinks it will make the room look cold". I said "oh right".

On Sunday I got the car keys and told DH I was off to buy the paint. He said "oh? Thought you were going to wallpaper?". I said "what made you think that? We've said all along we would immulsion to brighten it up". He said "yeah but then my mum said it would look really cold remember?" So I said "yeah she did, and I disagree".

So he said "what do you're still going to plow ahead with your plans no matter what anyone else thinks?" So I got irritated and said "I really don't care what anyone else thinks, why would I?".

DH is very much a people pleaser and likes to think other people like his house, clothes, choice in car etc whereas I really couldn't give a shit. I do have aspergers so not to drip feed which is maybe why I don't factor in other people's opinions but DH is now in a mood over it saying I'm pointlessly stubborn and antisocial.

Am I in the right not to care?!

He sounds overly sensitive to other people's opinions. You're not being unreasonable in not taking his mothers opinions into account; she doesn't live there! If he objected off his own bat, then maybe you should think again, but he doesn't seem able to form opinions of his own.

Thanks Luisa.

My IL tend to have strong ideas about our house and what we shouldn't do - however we've noticed the pattern it only tends to happens when they perceive the idea to be mine .

DH usually happily ignores but every so often he doesn't.

Current ongoing example had a plan to replace an item that really needed doing - he ran it past FIL who didn't like our plan - two months later and lots of humming FIl comes up with our original plan. In mean time he’d convinced DH is could be difficult so now he wants to do it with FIL – fine accept that ‘not looking possible till end of summer and it wouldn’t surprise me if we buy everything and it suddenly can’t be done till Spring – in mean time it causes inconveniences about once week.

I'd go ahead remind your DH it's easy to paint over if he hates it once done.

Have you never changed your mind?

If he's changed his mind, regardless of why he has changed his mind, about the colour scheme you need to discuss and come to a new agreement.

Would it bother you as much if he had thought it was too cold looking after seeing in a magazine, or one of his friends said something instead of his mum, or after the paint was on the wall?

You sound as if you are sticking out your bottom lip in a sulk because he's changed his mind and you aren't getting it your way anymore and going for the cliché blame the MIL. It is his home as well as yours and he is allowed an opinion and for that opinion to change.

Whatthe - 😂
The feeling is entirely mutual

YANBU. It's not his mother's home and she's not contributing to the cost or work of it, so her opinion is irrelevant. Especially if she has a history of criticising their choices.

Couples take different approaches to DIY. As long as they are happy with the outcome, it doesn't particularly matter if it is led more strongly by the other or if it is more compromised.

I was fed up with a very tatty hallway in the job lot colour that had been used in various rooms of the house with no consideration of how it suited rooms. I was also fed up of holes in the walls. DH was happy for me to do a patch-up job to smarten it up tide it over for a few years while other jobs take place that risk undoing some of my work. I chose the testers. We discussed the chosen colours. I did the work. There's a lot of I's in there, but we're both happy at the outcome. As it happens, the particular shade of green warms it up

Colours have warmer and cooler tones within them anyway which make a big difference in decorating. Some people seem to have a better eye for subtlties of colour anyway.

Luisa27
The husband liked her choice until the mother in law gave her opinion have you read the thread

Your MIL sounds just like my sister. If DH isn't going to tell you his actual opinion he can't really complain. He says he liked the ideas to begin with 🤷🏼‍♀️.

“If he didn't like it but pretended he did then it's his own fault, I'm not a fucking mind reader. People should just be straight, not pussy foot around saying things they don't mean.”

• I like the cut of your jib! If he hadn’t liked your ideas then YWBU, but the opinions of people who aren’t required to live in the house can be disregarded.

He sounds a bit needy.

While you're at the shop buying your paint pick up lots of wallpaper samples.
Drive to his mother's house and tell her that this wallpaper suits her rooms far better than what she's got at the moment.
Wield a stripping knife and offer to start decorating for her right now!

I think your mil is a very powerful woman, who your dh still finds overbearing. I think he also married a similarly powerful woman, who doesn’t mince her words. If you want your dh to act differently from the way he’s acting now, I think you should consider finding the means to be a bit softer and a little less abrasive. Would you be willing to do that? I’ve had to learn these skills btw being a pretty strong willed woman myself and I speak from experience.

My DH gets very worried about what other people think of things and particularly about how things look, and tbh it's the kind of thing he'd probably get stressed about too, if his mum said it wasn't a good idea.

And he also doesn't put certain things on social media for fear of upsetting people.

Hmmm. I think we are married to the same man.

He isn't a wet lettuce holistically. He just lacks confidence in his own choices, cares too much about what other people think and HATES upsetting people.

All that said, YANBU. It is infuriating living with a people pleaser at times, especially when they are self-conscious too.

Just go with the ideas that you and your Dh picked, it's none of MIL's business.
I have a question, do you think GrumpyOldBloke is actually a man? If so he's doing all us weak minded women a favour/favor Mansplanning everything so we get it right his way What a douche.

And if you didn’t like my last post because people should be straight and not pussyfoot around. Tone it the fuck down so that your dh at least has a fighting chance.

I would do exactly the same. I’d have asked dp if he had secret plans to move his mum in and transfer her part ownership that he thinks she gets a say.

OP a lot of posters on here pick holes in something so much that it eventually resembles a sponge.

I think your DH is a gutless idiot, no offence, if he is hiding behind his mother's opinion to tell u he doesn't like the new colour scheme. You're right to do as you please.

Yes I have read the thread - I feel (in my opinion - crucial point here) the husband lacks confidence and often ‘goes along’ with what OP decides or what his family thinks.

I believe his mum’s opinion probably mirrored his own true feelings - and he subsequently felt more emboldened to bring up his diubts re: new colour scheme.
I think the problem is, as others have written, he’s not a forceful character - he’s more sensitive and as OP stated “a people pleaser”. The people surrounding him seem less sensitive and more dogmatic.

YANBU.

Mummyoflittledragon
Very wise words

Strange he still needs his Mother’s approval and validation so much . Does he need it for other things too, the clothes he wears for example? He is being ridiculous, YANBU.

“If he didn't like it but pretended he did then it's his own fault, I'm not a fucking mind reader. People should just be straight, not pussy foot around saying things they don't mean.”

Agree completely. I would have done exactly the same as you. Who cares what other people think of your decor? If you and your husband like it, you're the ones who are going to be living with it. I guess MIL is entitled to an opinion, but you're equally entitled not to listen to it.

Yanbu especially as your h has already approved of the colour scheme. He's a grown adult so shouldn't need his mum's approval.

My old house had that colour scheme and I loved it. I'm also an Aspie but I have the opposite problem of not being able to decide on a colour. I know what I don't like but can't pick what I do

I don't know why your DH assumed that because he'd told you his mother's opinion, that means you were going to change your mind. If he's having second thoughts on the decor now, maybe just say something like "well we're over half way through now after doing the floor, lets just finish it off and see what WE think then eh?"

This :)

YANBU.

I tell DH on a regular basis that I don’t care about his DM’s opinion on our business!

Hmmm. OP, I’m wondering if it’s maybe that he feels you will react very strongly if he disagrees with you so is trying to mask his disagreement by presenting it to you as someone else’s disagreement.

Because you do seem a little...forthright. And you might be a very difficult person to disagree with. I notice you think that he is quite weak with regards to other people and wonder if this also might be an issue in your own relationship? Because I’m thinking if you are in a relationship with someone who isn’t assertive they might have difficulty getting you to listen to their opinions.