To have told DH that I really don't care about his mother's opinion?

[LeaveMeBMan]

We're redecorating. I wanted rid of the dark red themed living room so stripped the wallpaper and told DH I was painting the main wall a pale green and the other walls white. I've got rid of the dark wooden flooring and replaced it with distressed white oak.

DH came back from his mother's at weekend saying "she doesn't like your ideas on the walls, she thinks it will make the room look cold". I said "oh right".

On Sunday I got the car keys and told DH I was off to buy the paint. He said "oh? Thought you were going to wallpaper?". I said "what made you think that? We've said all along we would immulsion to brighten it up". He said "yeah but then my mum said it would look really cold remember?" So I said "yeah she did, and I disagree".

So he said "what do you're still going to plow ahead with your plans no matter what anyone else thinks?" So I got irritated and said "I really don't care what anyone else thinks, why would I?".

DH is very much a people pleaser and likes to think other people like his house, clothes, choice in car etc whereas I really couldn't give a shit. I do have aspergers so not to drip feed which is maybe why I don't factor in other people's opinions but DH is now in a mood over it saying I'm pointlessly stubborn and antisocial.

Am I in the right not to care?!

ODFO grumpy no one cares

We're redecorating. I wanted rid of the dark red themed living room so stripped the wallpaper and told DH I was painting the main wall a pale green and the other walls white. I've got rid of the dark wooden flooring and replaced it with distressed white oak.

Can you see a pattern here two Is and an Ive. decorating should be a mutual decision between the folk who live in the home.

It must be wonderful to be perfect GrumpyOlderBloke’. You know very little of OP’s life, or circumstances, or country of origin, so please grab this learning opportunity to learn not to wade in without all the facts.

to point out errors for their benefit

Also known as being condescending.

knitted

Yes Grumpy - absolutely!!!
Very, very well said...

I’m Italian and English is not my first language.
We do care - thank you

why are people giving the OP a hard time here? How many of you have husbands who get incredibly involved with and like to give opinions about home decor?
My husband is quite into design and makes sculptures for fun and even he would not really get that involved if I said I wanted to redecorate the living room.... unless he really hated something I was doing obv... Id run it all by him of course as he lives there too but I think its pretty normal for guys to just say 'oh thats nice' to whatever you show them unless they hate it rather than actively participate. So why are people acting like the OP is being controlling?

OP I dont think YABU. If it was an actual opinion he had expressed from the start himself then that is something to consider.... but if hes literally just wanting you to do what his mother wants then he can jog on.

You are right. Her opinion is irrelevant. His is not but, it sounds as though you discussed things and he agreed.

My inference is that he doesn't have a strong opinion himself, so blows in the wind with whoever spoke to him last, or he considers highest up his pecking order of influencers.

That is the obvious problem, that he still views his mother's opinion on details of his - and your - domestic set-up more important than yours.

He needs to form, state and stand by his own opinions and lack of them and, recognise that he has chosen to live with you now, not his mother.

Sounds great to me OP!

Your DH sounds like he’s pretty insecure, maybe he needs a bit of reassurance from you that when it comes to YOUR house the only opinions that matter are his and yours

Yanbu and it sounds lovely to me.

I suggest just finish the lounge off how you both originally decided on and then see what you both think. Sounds nice to me haha!
I do agree your husband is coming across as a wet lettuce.

I also get annoyed when my other half seems to take someone elses opinion to heart and lets it overshadow his own opinion/mine. It's fine to have suggestions from others, but ultimately it is up to you two to decide. You sound like me, not easily persuaded by others haha and stuff social niceties when they became silly like this - lounge colours and exotic holiday destinations!

Decorate how you /him agree.
Have a plaque made :
'Welcome to our home
If it's too cold for you -
Fuck off home.'

Just go ahead with your choice - listen to the opinions of strangers rather than your own husband - perfect

The OP says 'I did discuss it with DH before hand and he really liked the idea until he spoke to his mother.'

'He likes to take a back seat when it comes to colours so I say what I like and he either agrees or doesn't... I showed him colours and he said he liked my idea'

'I have asked him again, he's still saying he likes it but is worried that other people might think it looks cold.'

Where here is the OP not soliciting or listening to her DH's opinion, please?

Turns out his family had been asking him why we travel to weird places and so he felt embarrassed as we were doing stuff other people didn't approve of.

Goodness, what a staid bunch of conformists they must be!

" lottiegarbanzo - My inference is that he doesn't have a strong opinion himself, so blows in the wind with whoever spoke to him last, or he considers highest up his pecking order of influencers.

That is the obvious problem, that he still views his mother's opinion on details of his - and your - domestic set-up more important than yours. "

I agree with the above. Mummy needs to take a back seat me thinks!

I feel a bit sorry for your husband. It sounds like he’s being bullied by his family. How ridiculous that they think they should have any influence over his holidays and his living room paint!

It sounds like he was happy to go along with your choices, although next time, to be certain, why not ask him what he wants when there’s a choice to be made before stating your opinion. It would be lovely if he could start gaining confidence in his own choices and judgement.

luisa

YANBU. Love your ideas, sounds like you and DH were on the same page. If you both like the idea it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

Regarding the hiding of holiday photos his family sound like crabs trying to drag your poor DH back down into their bucket!! I think he needs a bit more self-confidence in his decisions and the way he lives his life and to stop caring so much what they think.

welshmist read all the OP's posts, not just the first one.

OP, your new colour scheme sounds lovely. it also sounds as though you have talked it through with your h and he agrees - but is now being swayed. Sounds like he's quite indecisive and unsure of his choices (eg holidays) in general? Is his mum overbearing?

Anyway, it's none of your MIL's business. Why not check again with your h that he likes the colours, then paint? If you don't like it, you can always repaint. No big deal.

Which way does the room face? Big or small window? Green can look 'cold' but there are greens in the 'warm' part of the spectrum too. You could always try a few and see which works best with the light in the room.

Grumpyoldman - what an apposite username.

It is important to point out errors for their benefit. - it's really not important to do that at all. Just shows you're a bit of a tit. There are loads worse posts than OP's, and you can't police the entire internet for typos.

(BTW, 'forum' should be lower-case and there you should have used a semi-colon, not a comma, in 'Grab them enthusiastically; do not reject them'.)

Your OP actually made me laugh. Why on earth would you GAF what his mother thought? To the point where you'd actually change your ideas. I find it fascinating that someone would expect that,

Hi Leavemebman, I would crack on too, it's only paint. You sound like a doer, your DH sounds a bit dithery and MIL's opinion is irrelevant.

Decorate how you /him agree.
Have a plaque made :
'Welcome to our home
If it's too cold for you -
Fuck off home.'

Proper lol 😂 at that.

OP your colour choices sound lovely. Not cold at all! Nice and fresh and relaxing.

I don't know why your DH assumed that because he'd told you his mother's opinion, that means you were going to change your mind. If he's having second thoughts on the decor now, maybe just say something like "well we're over half way through now after doing the floor, lets just finish it off and see what WE think then eh?"

That way you're validating any concerns he has and making sure that he knows that its down to you two to make the decision, not his mother. If he still persists even before seeing what the room will look like then explain that you both live there, not MiL and you've thought about her concerns and don't see where she's coming from. Show him some mood boards on pinterest so he can visualise it better if needs be.

My DH is terrible at visualising what a room will look like from just the description I give. He needs to look at something to see exactly what I mean and then he gets the idea and can give a better opinion. Until he sees it, he thinks I'm off my head!

Grass what a lovely post