To have told DH that I really don't care about his mother's opinion?

[LeaveMeBMan]

We're redecorating. I wanted rid of the dark red themed living room so stripped the wallpaper and told DH I was painting the main wall a pale green and the other walls white. I've got rid of the dark wooden flooring and replaced it with distressed white oak.

DH came back from his mother's at weekend saying "she doesn't like your ideas on the walls, she thinks it will make the room look cold". I said "oh right".

On Sunday I got the car keys and told DH I was off to buy the paint. He said "oh? Thought you were going to wallpaper?". I said "what made you think that? We've said all along we would immulsion to brighten it up". He said "yeah but then my mum said it would look really cold remember?" So I said "yeah she did, and I disagree".

So he said "what do you're still going to plow ahead with your plans no matter what anyone else thinks?" So I got irritated and said "I really don't care what anyone else thinks, why would I?".

DH is very much a people pleaser and likes to think other people like his house, clothes, choice in car etc whereas I really couldn't give a shit. I do have aspergers so not to drip feed which is maybe why I don't factor in other people's opinions but DH is now in a mood over it saying I'm pointlessly stubborn and antisocial.

Am I in the right not to care?!

Sounds like this goes much deeper than the colour scheme.

He needs to grow up and address why he (a) has to please others (b) doesn't know how he feels. That means learning to disagree with both his mother and you as well, if he has a different opinion. Perhaps his parents were too domineering and he's become overly compliant. He needs to learn it's ok to be different.

I agree you could not have done this differently.

I'm guessing it's very hard not to be the decision-maker in the family because he doesn't know what he thinks until he hears other people's opinions about your decision (which he went along with happily). Don't fall into the trap of enabling him to be passive. He will only end up feeling like a victim.

As long as you and husband like it, fuck anyone else's opinion.

Also recently changed a room from hot pink to a lightish green with quite a lot of yellow in it and it is so much better and looks bigger and warmer.

My FIL got into a HUGE strop with MIL and I after he'd 'arranged' the kitchen appliances they'd been helping to move in, and we rearranged them together. (lots of 'ooh, shall I put the mugs near the kettle' type stuff).

Me and MIL honestly thought he'd just plonked them down anyhow .

Does your DH generally have his own strong opinions on things? Or does he usually have to wait until someone tells him what his opinion should be? If he is often like this, you might need to encourage him to form his own opinions. It sounds as if he may not have been allowed to do this in the past.

Gosh - this situation sounds depressingly like Brexshit - gulp.

*No matter if doubts or fears are raised - WE WILL DO THIS

danci very eloquently put

Fuck. That. Right. There.

You have to look at it every day. Fuck his mother's opinion. Cheeky bitch.

I feel very strongly about this because I've made some poor decisions in this area myself and actually ended up depressed from looking at decor I hated all the time. Your surroundings affect your mood IMO so you have to go with what you like and not let someone else's tastes dictate.

I think your choice of colours sounds lovely, I've no idea why your getting such a hard time from others here and pointing out someones spelling mistakes is just sad. You asked and he agreed until he spoke with his mother so your of course right. How can you be expected to read his mind.

....you mean like her husband? The other adult living in the house? 😐

Is It his mums opinion or his opinion?

Frankly, I don't give a flying f* what anyone else thinks about my house. But I would obviously consider DH's point of view. And then probably ignore it anyway because he has terrible taste

Honestly don't worry what she thinks if your husband said it without anyone else's influence I'd maybe re consider. But for the fact he is only saying that because of his mothers opinion I'd go ahead and stick to the plan of changing the room around

Haha, what a mummy's boy!

My first fiancé was like that. We bought a house, I chose the colours (he was colour blind) but he didn't live there full time, only at weekends and mid week - so we would discuss one weekend and then he'd come back after seeing her with "oh do you think those colours will go?"
Yes, you arse, of course they will, that's why I chose them in the first place.

I always knew it was his mother's influence and ideas.
I told him that I was the one living there (with him sometimes) and therefore my Ideas of what would look nice where the only ones that mattered (so long as he didn't hate them himself ) and his mother could keep her ideas to herself.

Since her idea of "decorating" was to paint everything in shades of vanilla and magnolia, it didn't make me at all worried that other people would hate my colours either. And they didn't - but again, since I was the one living there full time, I didn't give a rat's arse what anyone NOT living there thought!

Your Dh is a people pleaser? The first person he should be pleasing is you, his wife. End of.

You decorate how you decide. Mil knew this would be the outcome if she raised doubt with your dh. I have some fab ideas but DH won’t give me free reign and I have to take that on board as we both own the house (my ideas are fab as well humph). Mil tried to tell us ‘you must do x and you must do y’ we ignore her. She did decide she wanted to ‘come round to see our nice new things’ this consisted of three pieces of art we had bought and put up 🤷🏻‍♀️Then started telling us how to decorate and that she didn’t like our idea for the kitchen. Tough it’s our kitchen. She had the audacity to say she had more day than me as her ‘son owns this house!’ Put her straight there we both work full time and pay the mortgage jointly and both names are in the mortgage m. She was shocked as thought the house only belonged to him for done weird reason.

"Your mother doesn't live her. Your mother didn't pay for the house. Your mother doesn't own the house. Your mother doesn't pay the bills. So, no, your mother doesn't get a vote. Get a grip and cut the strings."

What a weenie.

I believe his mum’s opinion probably mirrored his own true feelings
And yet I believe the opposite. So obviously stating your opinion as if it's fact doesn't make it true after all. Who'd have thought it!
I'm not a fan of pale green (don't mind dark green) ever since I painted my lounge in a green that made it look like an operating theatre and I had to repaint it! But I like the sound of the floors & the other walls being white. Should look good (even with MIL shivering in the corner!)

Luisa, what on earth are you talking about? She asked him if he liked it and he said yes.

phorus

If you truly think I believe my opinion to be fact, then you’re wrong - but I suspect it’s a weak attempt at sarcasm on your behalf?

Let me clarify for you in an easy to understand sentence...my opinion...no mention of fact. smile]

I’m talking about nuance...as in all things aren’t black/white

If he didn't like it but pretended he did then it's his own fault, I'm not a fucking mind reader. People should just be straight, not pussy foot around saying things they don't mean.

Well pretty much that.

Well if your this forthright in how you speak to him maybe he felt like he had no option but to go along with it

Quick a forthright women! Get the pitchforks.

But it is interesting to read others’ points of view - good thread OP

Gosh - this situation sounds depressingly like Brexshit - gulp.

This is the second compltely unrelated brexit comment I've seen in an hour on MN.

Ah...but to me ( IN MY OPINION) it’s not unrelated. To you maybe...but not to me.

Luisa Was that a weak attempt at patronising on your behalf? And actually your sentence wasn't as easy to understand as it should have been; you'd have been better off using a semi-colon or something instead of all those dots. And you missed a [ off your smile - I know how important you consider correctness to be, and I'd hate you to be embarrassed at a later stage if it wasn't pointed out to you now.